What is WITH my ex?

[Ishtar]

My exboyfriend, Mike, and I were high school sweethearts.We started going out senior year in high school. He and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years. The last 6 months were trying on us. I had trust issues and he had "together" issues (he seemed to like to hang out with others more than me). Anyways, we broke up, almost exasperatingly. We decided that we should still be friends since even though we grew apart. We were still best friends and we knew that out of everyone we knew, we would be there for each other the most in a time like this.

 

It's been 2 months since we've broken up. So we talked to each other and all that. I see other people and he has been talking to other girls. I have to say that I am jealous of these girls, even though I am dating myself. We sleep with each other now and then. I know it's not healthy for both of us. I do it because it makes me feel good, it's easy and when the moment is there, in my heart, it feels right. It's wrong I know. You may comment on that situation, but that's not why I wrote.

 

My problem is that Mike seems to be a better ex-boyfriend than he was a boyfriend. I used to complain about him not trying to make me happy. And he used to complain that I put so much pressure on him. Now he goes out of his way to make me smile. For my birthday he took me out to Sushi and when he and I were bf and gf, he refused! He even wants to go on a trip to London with me because I've always wanted to go and I've had the worst year of my life. He wants to pay for everything because he's getting a HUGE bonus for Christmas.

 

I called him on his behavior and he said that he does not know what made him change he said, "I just want to see you happy. You deserve to be happy." I asked him why he didn't want that when we were going out. He said because the committment thing may have been too much. We kept talking and we both agree that we still care about each other so much and we still feel like we are still dating in a way (we kiss and hug probably even more now than ever). He's in Hawaii on vacation right now (he called me yesterday saying that he misses me and wishes that it would be better if I were there with him) and when he gets back, we'll talk more about this whole thing over sushi.

 

I don't know. As you can probably see, I still have feelings for him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me to stop seeing him!!!! LIE to me if you have to. I really want to be friends with him.

 

Thanks,

 

Ishtar

[Lilly]

I think you've answered your own question: "I used to

 

complain about him not trying to make me happy. And he used to complain that I put so much pressure on him."

 

When someone's pressured to do ANYTHING by anyone (especially a partner) their natural inclination is to go against them, it's human nature. Now that the pressures off (your complaining about him not trying to make you happy) he does the things you always wanted because he doesn't feel he's constantly being judged on his actions by you. He has his freedom of choice back, he's doing things because HE wants to not because he's expected to.

 

Your boyfriend is not obligated to make you happy... no person is, your happiness if your own responsibility. As you have discovered demanding someone make you happy doesn't work anyways.

[Ed]

People generally feel a lot better about giving when they feel they are giving of their own free will as opposed to feeling like they are expected to give. When you were "a couple" he may have felt like he was expected to do certain things for you. If he felt that way, it was not your fault.

 

Now that you are no longer an exclusive couple he feels free to go and do as he chooses without worrying about others expectations, especially yours. What he, and maybe you, didn't realize is that both of you always had this freedom, even when you were together. Maybe you just didn't realize it. Relationships work a lot better when each individual knows and feels they are free to do whatever they choose.

 

No one is ever bound by someone else. Ever! Both the needy and the needed have to understand this. I am not suggesting that a committed relationship is or should be totally free of any expectations. There are certain things that have to be in place for a committed relationship to exist, such as love, trust and respect. But with each of those expectations there should be an underlying freedom.

 

If you can face the fact that he is free to go and do and be with whomever he chooses and if you can face the fact that you are free to go and do and be with whomever you choose, then there is a chance that something more can develop from the relationship. If you can face the fact that there is just as good a chance of you not getting back together as there is of you getting back together, then continue to see him, with no strings attached. Enjoy the time you spend together, but understand that the relationship could end tomorrow, if either party chooses to do so.

 

You cannot get commitment, love, trust or respect by demanding it or expecting it. You get it when you or someone else freely chooses to give it. You loose it when you or someone else freely chooses to stop giving it.

[?]

i agree with lilly.

 

doing something cuz its expected is no fun

 

doing it on yr own initiative is cooool!!!

 

so always give the guy total freedom

 

if he loves u, he'll be good to u, naturally

 

if he doesn't - thank god u gave him the freedom to get away!

 

i know it's harder done than said, and i am also currently trying to learn to do that ... and every lil step gives rewards guys really appreciate freedom.

 

best of luck

My exboyfriend, Mike, and I were high school sweethearts.We started going out senior year in high school. He and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years. The last 6 months were trying on us. I had trust issues and he had "together" issues (he seemed to like to hang out with others more than me). Anyways, we broke up, almost exasperatingly. We decided that we should still be friends since even though we grew apart. We were still best friends and we knew that out of everyone we knew, we would be there for each other the most in a time like this. It's been 2 months since we've broken up. So we talked to each other and all that. I see other people and he has been talking to other girls. I have to say that I am jealous of these girls, even though I am dating myself. We sleep with each other now and then. I know it's not healthy for both of us. I do it because it makes me feel good, it's easy and when the moment is there, in my heart, it feels right. It's wrong I know. You may comment on that situation, but that's not why I wrote. My problem is that Mike seems to be a better ex-boyfriend than he was a boyfriend. I used to complain about him not trying to make me happy. And he used to complain that I put so much pressure on him. Now he goes out of his way to make me smile. For my birthday he took me out to Sushi and when he and I were bf and gf, he refused! He even wants to go on a trip to London with me because I've always wanted to go and I've had the worst year of my life. He wants to pay for everything because he's getting a HUGE bonus for Christmas. I called him on his behavior and he said that he does not know what made him change he said, "I just want to see you happy. You deserve to be happy." I asked him why he didn't want that when we were going out. He said because the committment thing may have been too much. We kept talking and we both agree that we still care about each other so much and we still feel like we are still dating in a way (we kiss and hug probably even more now than ever). He's in Hawaii on vacation right now (he called me yesterday saying that he misses me and wishes that it would be better if I were there with him) and when he gets back, we'll talk more about this whole thing over sushi. I don't know. As you can probably see, I still have feelings for him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me to stop seeing him!!!! LIE to me if you have to. I really want to be friends with him. Thanks, Ishtar

[Ishtar]

Maybe I was not clear. For 2 and a half years, he used to do the nicest things. He bought flowers and called me in the middle of the day. He would randomly tell me how beautiful he thought I looked... Things like that. The last six months, all of that stopped. What happened was that I asked him a couple times why it is not the same anymore. I asked him why he was not the same any more. I even asked him if it was me who was not the same anymore.

 

I think, if you have a certain personality, you generally do not change. When you do change, especially if you change in romantic energy, your partner has a right to understand why things have changed. He never had a reason. That is why I had trust issues with him.

 

It's not like, I FORCED him to buy me flowers or anything. It was more like, the spark was not there even though we were still a couple. I understand that. But now he's putting the spark back and we're not even a couple.

 

I just want to thank you for the advice, even though I feel kind of insulted by Lily. I didn't know that I was some kind of prison warden, holding back freedom from my boyfriend and beating him to make him do things to make me smile. It was never like that.

[Ed]

In my opinion, there is only one thing in this world that will never change...THINGS WILL CHANGE!...you can count on it. Certain parts of some people's personalities will remain with them for long periods of time, possibly their whole life, but you can't count on it.

 

People will physically change, their feelings will change, their thoughts will change, their philosophy and outlook on life, people and the world will change over time. It's a result of learning and growth. If they don't change, then for all practical purposes they are emotionally, spiritually and physically dead.

 

People don't need a reason or an excuse to change. They don't have to have anyone's permission and they don't owe anyone an explanation. It pretty much all goes back to what I said before about freedom. In personal relationships, particularly love relationships, the more expectations and demands you place on your partner, the more disappointed you will be.

 

Change is a part of life. You have to learn to roll with it or it will roll over you. My suggestion is for you to expect things to change. Be prepared for it. Embrace it. It is inevitable.