simplejp Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2]Hi, this is my first post. This is a little complicated, but what better way to work through this then with a bunch of unbiased wonderful people willing to give the advice!! So here goes, I have been married for seven years. About six years ago I met someone that works in another office for the same company I work for. We have become great friends through working on inter-office projects etc. We had the chance to meet in person at a corporate function and there were definitely sparks, but being a married woman nothing happened except the fact that both of us tucked away in the back of our minds the "what if..." and the "there is definitely something special about this one" feelings. Well to speed up the story a bit, my husband and I have been rocky for the last year or so, and the icing on the cake was when he announced he was going to rejoin the military in the reserves and go serve his country. This I can't understand as he has served his time, we have a two year old daughter, and I just can't justify military pride at this point over leaving his family for god knows how long and especially his daughter (this part of the story should probably be discussed in another post!) At any rate, I basically feel that we are parting ways the minute he gets on the plane to leave for training. With that said, my friend (who knows everything going on) and I revealed that we have true feelings for each other about two months ago and that we want to explore the possibility and see what happens. I have never been so happy in my life, I really know there is something about this guy that I have never felt before. It is so exciting to know that those feelings I'm feeling he is feeling too. That is until about 2 weeks ago he sent me an email stating that our situations were too complicated and that he wanted to go back to being friends and see what happens. I'm fine with that except now for these past two weeks he has refused to communicate with me. I'm crushed b/c I really don't want to lose our friendship and I'm hurt b/c I basically have bared my soul to this man and he has shut off his feelings so suddenly without explanation. I guess what I need advice on is here my marriage is falling apart, and I'm having sleepless nights thinking about why my friend has taken this position and is acting this way. I need a way to find peace in this whole situation and just let what will be will be. [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 This is my first post as well so were both newbies here =) My first thought is why did this man all of a sudden realize the situation was complicated or too complicated for him? He knew what your situation was, you have been 'friends' for quite a while and you said you bared your soul to him so he knew what he was getting himself into. Thats the first thing that bothers me regarding his sudden dis-interest. Im just playin devil's advocate here because I don't know this man and I dont know you so I have no idea what your relationship was or is, now how you are or he is. But MAYBE the idea that he couldnt have you was more appealing to him then actually having you? I am going through a rough situation myself and I will post it in another blog and Im just as lost as you must be right now. I know how hurt you must feel and scared because so much is going on for you. I would suggest talking to him. Ask him specifically what felt too complicated for him? What did he feel he couldnt handle? The second thing that bothers me is that he said lets go back to bein friends and see what happens?! Sounds a bit like hes stringing you along or he just cant bring himself to say to you that he doesnt want to continue the relationship. Which makes him a huge coward if thats the case! But see what happens? WHY? Is he just keeping you there just in case he decides he wants to be with you? You already took that step to see what happens, why would you want to go backwards? Again I would reccomend talking to him. It is definately possible as well he just got scared. Was he dating anyone else? Are you still married? Is your husband or ex husband still around? Did he leave already for the military? Maybe some of that got him scared??? I say talk to him and try to get him to open up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplejp Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Wow Brokenspirit, you have put a few questions in my head I didn't even think of. Probably blinded by the possibility of this feeling of love.... That is exactly my frustration, that he wont talk to me PERIOD all of a sudden. I'd love for him to openly communicate with me but he has put up a stone wall between us and I'm completely flabergasted and confused. NOT who I thought he was at all, and for someone to tell me two months ago that he has been wanting to tell me for so many years about his feelings it has driven me mad as to why he has taken this attitude. All I really want are answers so I can calm my wandering brain down is that too much to ask!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplejp Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 I pressed send to quickly!!! Wanted to wish you the best of luck with your situation as well. I am thankful that I found a place to vent my frustrations. I'm just hoping for a silver lining in all of this grief. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 You have EVERY RIGHT to have those questions answered and hes bein cruel to not even answer you! My GOD! Has he ever showed any inkling that he would be this way? Im sure the answer is no because this is what men do. Ive had it done to be from LEFT FIELD! LEFT ME BEWILDERED! I mean for someone to just turn like that, like a light switch maybe its another woman? I know for a man to change so suddenly and then to have no contact, I would question if hes with someone else... Im sorry for what your goin through its very painful... I know how heart break feels I am goin through a very rough situation myself and Im totally lost... And nothing eases the pain and all you can is focus do is think about him... I would suggest try to focus on you as hard as that is when your mind starts to spin and think of him only... Try to focus on doin something that will make you feel better... Focus on your child =)) Theres a huge source of happiness for you Im sure and you have tried to call him and contact him correct? And what do you get VM and answering machines. Email contact? no reply? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Thank you thats what Im here too... Its comforting to know there are others out there going through a similar situation and I dont feel so lonely in this world... Cause I totally do at times or feel no one knows what I feel cause I get those people that are like O GET OVER IT... ACCEPT IT! Its like have you ever gotten you heart broken and dreams crushed, then tell me to just accept it and move on as if its that easy... But vent away were all here =)) I know I am =)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplejp Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Exactly. I have tried to contact him via phone, I have emailed him (I return receipt the email and I have seen that he has read them) but all with no reply. The part that stings the most is that he WILL reply only to work related issues only by email never has returned my messages when I've been used to for six years him being so excited to talk to me It all just really sucks and it is crazy and I'm so hurt. I wish I could undo the hands of time and go back to just being happy being his friend. Knowing the possibility of more could have existed is enough to drive me batty. Why do we obsess so much over things we can't control? How have you found peace? I literally tell myself ok no more no more yet here I am posting about it. I'm going to definitely focus on my daughter and try to get past this feeling of utter rejection!! Thanks for your kind words. Maybe together this is how we are going to figure out how to deal with both of our situations!! Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I mean no disrespect here but, well, I have to state my opinion... You're complaining about losing a man, a man you're cheating on your husband with? How about ending one marriage before jumping into any other relationships? I mean, it's great that you've found someone that you think is better for you, but for the family and your own sake an dyour husbands sake, wouldn't it be better to be moved on from one relationship before being upset over losing another? Some of us here would kill for the shot at being in a marriage, and here you are throwing it away and acting like you've lost the love of your life, with someone youre cheating with. Again, i really mean no disrespect, but please, think about the consequences of cheating on your family and whatnot and deal with that first, before worrying about a second chance with this man. Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I just wanted to add that i'm not in any way belittling how the loss of this relationship is making you feel. Trust me, I understand feeling that deep sense of loss. That sense of what if. That sense of want you have for the person. I'm experiencing it currently for my ex boyfriend and would kill for a second chance at things (he left because he didn't feel like we'd make it in the long run due to some inner conflict he had - he said i did absolutely nothing wrong and that I was amazing - ugh). Anyway. However, again, I think you should focus on yourself, getting yourself to a place where you are happy, before inviting another relationship into your life. Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplejp Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Aria: Thank you for you opinion. In a way though you are cheapening it. Over the past year or so my husband and I have completely drifted apart and now with him chosing the military over his family, he literally makes my skin crawl. We now are two ships passing in the night. No cheating has taken place with my friend except for admitting the fact that we have been attracted to each other and love each other's personalities. I agree I have to tie up other ends in my life before jumping head first into another relationship, but at this point I'd rather have my friendship back then lose talking to my friend completely. He too agreed that he wasn't about to lose what we had just to throttle back on trying out a relationship but that our friendship was too valuable to him and it took us a long time to get to where we are today. After saying that, not even 2 weeks later he turned around on me and started the silent "get out of my life" treatment. I'm more confused then anything right now and that's why I'm hurting so much. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Well of course the worst part of the pain is not knowing why... What happened? Your only human we would all feel that way if we were in your shoes... I know I would... I know why my relationship wasnt working and I still wonder why it couldnt have been different... But I definately think you have to try to shift your focus again as hard as that is I KNOW! Trust me when I say I KNOW! I suffer from anxiety so I have panic attacks and all I can do is focus on him... But TRY to take all that energy and use it productivly... Use it to your advantage... Straighten out what you have to in your life and make yourself happy again... I never take my own advice hehe but its the best thing to do for yourself... I wish you the best of luck with your situation and let us know what happens =)) Link to post Share on other sites
jmars Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Sorry to play the meanie here, but you have a husband who is wiling to risk his LIFE, or even worse, his physical wholeness, for the security of your way of life and to place food on the table. If your marriage with him is suffering, there is this thing called work and commitment. Relationships take both, and are not all cream and peaches in the long term. In the long term some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others, some months are better than others, and yes, some years are better than others. Responsiblity and commitment carry mature adults through the dry spells. You think that you are "in love" with this new guy? Ever notice how new things seem so novel and exciting? But, like a child's new toy, in no time at all, time and familiarity turns it into just another just another toy.....not so new anymore, not so novel, not so exciting, and discarded in the corner with the rest of the old, boring toys. As for what this other man's problem is; well, I'd say he has no probem. Maybe he is just a good man that has realized the situation he was entering and doesn't want, 1) to come between a man and wife and their child, and 2) realizes that if you are willing to cheat on the father of your children, he himself could be brushed aside with alot more ease. As the saying goes, "practice makes perfect". Sorry, for the lack of sympathy. Maybe there are elements to your situation that I'm simply not aware of and you are not telling. Link to post Share on other sites
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