What is most important in marriage?

[lovecrazed22]

What would you consider the most important traits or qualities to have in a mate?? I know some people say you should have the same educaitional level, same religion, same type of family background. Plus the person shoudl be trust worthy, responsible etc? What about money is that important?

 

I ask because my SO of 1.5 years proposed to me recently. I told him yes but now am having doubts. We get along well (he has some insecurity about cheating because a few of his x's cheated on him) but we pretty much have a good relationship. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he lives with him. She is 6 years old. I get along well wtih the daughter. Since we have been dating I we dont' live together, I have never even spent the night at his house (because I felt it wasn't appropriate because his daughter is there. I have my own house, have great credit, work a decent (but low paying) job and manage to get by. I don't own anything fancy or expensive but I pay my bills on time and have never ever had a late payment on anything.

 

While my SO and I and his daughter have a great time togehter and I love them both dearly, my SO is not very responsible. He lives with his sister next door to their parents. He comes from a family of seven kids and all of the sibblings are married except for him and his sister. (he is the 2nd youngest). He was planning to marry his daughter's mom before daughter was born (she was a pleasant suprise) but daughter's mom decided to move back to her home state (1200 miles away and gave him full custody of daughter after daughter was born. ) however he lives with his sister and their place is always a wreck, he hardly ever cleans or anything. So mainly we hang out at my house. He makes $11.00 hr at his job (which is ok because he usually gets overtime.) but his only bills are his car payment and insurance and money for fuel and ciggs. He will also spend money fixing up a car he is working on. But he doesn't pay rent (their parents own the place), and his sister pays for the utilities and all groceries and cable and stuff. He rarely contributes and it is a sore spot for his sister who makes less money than he does.

 

His credit is horrible- he will never be able to repair it the way he pays his bills. He will skip his car insurance because he wants to buy something to fix his other car up or to buy his daughter a toy. His x sent $500 for their daughter one year and did he buy groceries or school clothes for her or put it in the bank? No he went out and bought her a trampoline that cost $600. Last year he had no money to buy her new school clothes and I felt bad so I took her shopping and spent about $200 of my own. This year he had no money to buy her christmas presents (he can't save money to save his own life) so his mom took him shopping and let him pick out presents for her adn told him to pay her back (he never did). His parents also did this for his daughters birthday last month- they bought a gift for her and let him put his name on it.

 

When we go out we do take turns paying or we will pay for our own. Money has never been an issue while we were dating because I am very indepent and dont really care if my SO has money, I have my own and take care of myself. I have enough saved that I could live on for a year or so if I lost my job. I also try to pay off my credit cards each month. My SO lives from paycheck to paycheck. It doesn't matter if he gets an extra $200 one week- he will spend it and by wed or thursday (Friday is payday) he will be broke. I have suggested he sell his cars and buy a less expensive one to insure (his cars are in his sisters name as his credit is too bad for a loan.) but he says he can't because his car will be paid off next year and his sister won't apply for another loan. He also has many accounts in collections and when the collection agents call him he just gives them his bank account number and they will say they will only take x amount out each month and he trusts them. (They have already taken out more than they said they would.) so he has all these NSF fees as well.

 

I guess my dilema is while none of this bothers me now, I mean I wish he was much more responsible but its not MY money so what can I do. But if we got married I just think that he would expect me to be like his sister and just pay for everything while he sponges off of me and lives rent free. I think in a marriage bills should be split 50/50 or at least according to how much each person makes. (I only make about $2 hr more than he does) But basically he is almost 30 and living like a high school kid where mom and dad (sister in this case) are taking care of him and his daughter) and he will get mad at his sister when she tells him to clean the house or do dishes or make dinner) and he will refuse to do it or rebel and do what she asked three days later or something.

 

I know I am probably making my SO sound like an ass. But he really is a good guy in other ways. He stepped in to take care of his daughter when her mom moved away (and never sees her- his x is now married with two other kids, still lives 1200 miles away and doesn't have anything to do with their daughter). He is also one of my best friends and we can talk about anything. We have a lot of fun togther and I really care for his daughter. Right now he doesn't expect me to pay for things but I have the feeling that if we moved in with eachother I would be paying for everythign (groceries, utilities) for both him and his daughter. So I guess I am wondering how big a deal is this. I always thought we might get married some day but to me its still early so I wasn't thinking about marriage and what is would mean so soon. (1.5 years) so I guess I let his irresponsible behavior slide. I know it is difficult if not impossible to change people but is there any hope? Any advice?

[lil_angel]

well, im not gonna say he's a jerk or anything or that you should dump him, but yes, finances WILL come into play if you marry him. Some people simply have no clue how to manage money, even if in other ways they're great people. I wouldnt marry him w/o having a serious talk about money issues. will his spending habits bring your credit down, put you in debt, force you to basically support him with no help? I think he needs to be serious about his financial obligations before you can agree to live with him, share bank accounts, credit cards, bills, etc., all the things that come with getting married. not saying you have to break up with him, but id hold of on the "i do" until you kno what this will mean for your future. sure, money isnt everythign, but that doesnt make it a non-issue

[norajane]

But if we got married I just think that he would expect me to be like his sister and just pay for everything while he sponges off of me and lives rent free.

 

Yes, this is exactly what will happen. He will also ruin your credit because his debts will become yours after marriage, and he isn't likely to change his spending habits, and will likely rack up even more debt. He already has creditors after him...marry him and they will be after you and your house.

 

Sit him down and talk to him about debt consolidation, and offer to help him create a budget and stick to it. If he can't stick to a budget for the next year and a half, you might want to reconsider marrying him. Not making much money is one thing; being financially irresponsible creates a lifetime of problems.

[Mary3]

Yes, this is exactly what will happen. He will also ruin your credit because his debts will become yours after marriage, and he isn't likely to change his spending habits, and will likely rack up even more debt. He already has creditors after him...marry him and they will be after you and your house.

 

Sit him down and talk to him about debt consolidation, and offer to help him create a budget and stick to it. If he can't stick to a budget for the next year and a half, you might want to reconsider marrying him. Not making much money is one thing; being financially irresponsible creates a lifetime of problems.

 

I don't think any amount of help will save this man. He has learned that he can mooch and somebody will cover his back for lack of money skills and debt.

 

If this were my boyfriend I would NOT marry him. His debt will become YOUR debt the minute you say : I do " His driving record will become yours. Everything you do will be BOTH of yours.

 

Thats what the technical term of marraige means. To merge together legally and financially.

 

You should keep things EXACTLY as they are so you do not become liable for any of his debt boo boo's...