In The Waiting Line....

[BrokenSpirit]

Well I am a newbie here, but Ive been reading through all the situations and posted some replies, but I guess I feel I want to share my story as well and get some feedback...

 

I was with someone for almost 2 years. We broke up about 4 months ago. I broke up with him, but I think he wanted it to end as well. We both let things snowball and we just didnt know how to stop it. In the 2 years we were together there was some great times together, 2 vacations to Florida (which Ive never went on vacation with a man before), weekends

at his family's 2nd home, baseball games, football games, family functions, his friends parties and so on. In those 2 years there were also some terrible times that hurt me something awful, possible cheating, his disgusting ugly temper, never physical but his words cut through me like glass (cursing, calling me names, kickin me out of his apartment, hangin up on me) and there were times he NEVER took my feelings into consideration. He didnt include me much in his life and he was afraid of taking our relationship to the next level such as moving in. He kinda kept me at arms length always AFRAID to get too close to me. Big issue he has. His father hurt him something AWFUL I know that much... Hes a double edged sword. He can lift me up so high or he can cut me down to where I felt invisable... Also we had broken up along the way a few times but only for like a few days or a week... Always after a fight where I started cursin and screamin at him too...

 

Anyway towards the end of our relationship for at least a month we were fighting all the time. At least once a week and not small arguments, HUGE blowouts that left him screaming and carrying on while I was hysterical crying and begging him to please just stop, which he rarely did. I came to feel like a caged animal and he was a minefield that could erupt at any moment. Everything I did he yelled at me for. I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to feel so helpless and victimized by him and told him we needed to talk because we cant go on like this anymore its not healthy. We dont understand each other and why we react the way we do.

 

He explained that I always made these nasty sarcastic comments that are always putting him down and they make him feel like s*** and he just gets angry and lashes out. Im also too emotional. And I did do that, Im not proud of it but Im not perfect either. I know I did it out of frustration because I felt I couldnt talk to him at times. I felt trapped in my situation. I felt angry. How could the man I love more than life treat me so terribly and cruel at times?

 

I ended it. At first I know he was trying to stop it but they were some more of his empty promises. I felt relieved actually. I didnt have this constant stress in my life. Constant anxiety. Constantly worrying about how someone else is feeling so I know how I can expect my day to be. I still missed him and would cry sometimes at night but I still felt like I made the right decision.

 

But after about 2 months I started to wonder if we really gave it everything we had. I realized my responsibility in the downfall of this relationship. I blamed him for everything when it takes 2 to tango sometimes. I dont dismiss his role and the terrible things hes done but I understand some of my wrong doing as well. And I started to miss him something terribly. I started to think about him all the time and cry all the time. I became depressed. Then I heard he went on a date and I wanted to just crawl in a hole. Then he calls me to see how I am. I felt nothing from him when we spoke. I broke down I started to cry but I didnt ask for him back. He said he realizes we are 2 different people and he accepts the fact that we broke up. Hes focused on the bad part right now and it just wasnt healthy for either one of us how bad things had gotten. I was a total mess after that... He called me again the next day to make sure I was ok. I started to cry all over again... Then he called me again 2 weeks later again to see how I am. Again I broke down and this time I asked him to work things out with me... I told him I know we both had personal issues to work on and Im working on mine but is he willing to work on his so we can be together? I dont want him to change who he is I just want a better way to cope with our differences. He said he no he wasnt ready for that... I was a mess but I appreciated his honesty... Then I called him a few days later and a lot more rational and a lot less upset and said I wanted to thank him for his honesty and that I wish him well in everything he does. So he wished me a good summer. A week later I sent him an email to wish his cousin luck at his wedding. Then he emailed me that Mon to see how my weekend went. Then he emailed me a week later again to see how my weekend was.

 

Then 2 weeks ago he calls me to tell me that since I asked him to get back hes been seriously considering it. He is really confused though. He doesnt know if we are crying over spilled milk or if we have something to save here. He can still see me in his future and he still has feelings for me hes just not ready right now for a relationshio or to face the challenge of facing his issues. Well we ended up seeing each other that night. We spoke the next day again but just reg convo nothing deep. We spoke a few times that week but again nothin deep. All he would say is one day at a time lets see what happens. Im not ready right now. Then he asked to see me again and I told him that are we talking about working things out like discussing our issues and finding a compromise that works for us both. And he said he was def willing to do that he just wasnt ready to be back together right now. And of course I went to see him and we had another discussion. And through this convo he said he loves me and he cares so much about me and hes just scared that if it doesnt work if he cant handle that again. Since our break up was so emotionally draining and he knows he has so much to work on. Hes not sayin he doesnt want to be with me hes just not ready right now.

MY QUESTION after this long story which Im very sorry to everyone but appreciate you all reading... WHAT DO I DO NOW? I want to be with him so badly if we can make our own personal changes and growths, I know I have things Im working on as well... Im just so scared right now and I want to fight for us but am I wasting my time? I know he would NEVER string me along but theres no guarantee that he is absolutely going to get back together with me. What if after all this talking he decides Im not up for it!? I know no one can answer that but him and moreso TIME... Im willing to take the chance and fight for him... but does anyone have suggesstions as to what to do in the meantime to help me get through this? Im so lonely at times and miss him so desperately that its all I think about... Im just very scared that the same way he changed his mind to the positive, hes giong to change it back to the negative... Just fear and insecurity leading me right now....

[AriaIncognito]

First of all, I'm sorry you're hurting. It really sucks to want to be with someone so badly, and not be able to. I'm currently in that state, and have been for 3 weeks now. All that being said...

 

You have stated that you're willing to work on your issues within the relationship, and that's great. However, this will take both of you to work, and you've clearly stated that he's clearly stated he's not ready for that right now. So you really need to try to do your best to move forward right now, without him.

 

If you go back to him, or are with him right now as is, and you're working on yourself, and he's not working on himself, well, the relationship will be better for HIM but won't be any better for YOU. You're the only person in this scenario that will be looking out for your own best interest, so you need to really try to do just that. He might not mean to be stringing you along, but by telling you he has feelings, but he's not willing to work just yet, he's doing that just that.

 

Please, for your own sanity right now, do all you can to not contact this person. It hurts like hell, and you'll go insane for a while, but it's for the best. If he has you in his life, he'll see no need to speed up the idea of the changing process. If he doesn't have you, well maybe, just maybe, he'll see what he's lost, and be willing to work at winning the relationship back. You deserve that. You don't deserve to put yourself out there, and not be rewarded...

 

Good luck,

Jennifer

[BrokenSpirit]

Were not back together just talking about whether we've got a real shot here... And I have told him that its not fair because I know what I want and you dont... My goal in this is to get back together...

 

And there is the part of me that believes you are correct, but I feel like I just want to try to see if I can live my life, focus on me yet keep this contact with him to try to show him that we can find common ground together. My downfall in the relationship was I depended too much on him to be my only source of happiness... I def put too much pressure on him and pushed him away, I know that... Im working on that with a professional just as a side note...

 

But I want to show him that by talking openly and honestly our differences dont have to be our downfall... Because communication was what we were truly lacking in the past... I guess I just want him to remember how we had fun together and we really do get along... Which I know he remembers the good times too... But that our relationship of 2 years cant be summed up to that last month or so when it got out of control... I mean we've talked about it and he knows that he just says it just became so emotionally draining that he doesnt know that he can handle that again... And Im scared too that this wont work again, but Im one of those people that just doesnt lose hope... And I believe that I have to fight for what I want and if it doesnt work out in my favor then at least I know I fought hard for it and didnt give up... I dont have to wonder what could I have done... I know I will be crushed and destroyed all over again if he decides he doesnt want to work things out Im just hoping like I said above through talking he will see that we can find a common ground and it can be good...

But your def right I need to know hes fighting too... I know hes been working through some of his anger issues and it was something that came up in our last discussion and we found a compromise that worked for us both... I know hes trying Im just afraid that he will change his mind again... And its just something Im going to have to take a chance with...