cranium Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I need to vent a little. How long would one sane (subjective) person tirelessly address emotional needs for their significant other with limited reciprocation? Sure, both partners rock when it comes to teaming up in the domestic support, family commitment arenas. But, what if the exchange ends there? At least for one of them. How long does a marriage truly remain a marriage absent of emotional/physical affection and sexual fulfillment? Realizing if one has no expectations of the other, one wouldn’t be let down or upset when needs aren’t met or even considered. Also fully accounting for the differences between the genders when it comes to these issues. Tough to go day after day after day and not have any occasional expectation. Frustration is bound to set in at some point. 6 months? One year? Longer? So, does one pick a date by which things need to change and stick to it, or is the time frame determined by not being able to endure the process any longer; determined by how adversely the treatment influences one’s interactions at work, with one’s children or quality of life in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Hey sweetie- Things are not much better than when we last talked huh? For me, it was a period of about 4 years- in which I met his needs when he didn't meet mine. It was probably longer than that when I think about it- but during that earlier period of time he may have made a half hearted attempt at times. I think it's a different period of time for everyone. I did it until I couldn't tolerate it anymore. It wasn't like I said "At the four year mark if he's not better, I'm outta here". For me, it was the case of that I always talked to him about why I was unhappy and he would promise to change or make an attempt, then as soon as I started meeting his needs again wholeheartedly (which was sex for him) then that would be it- he would stop trying to meet mine altogether. I'd rock on for a period of time until I would get angry then it would come up again. Lots of crying and asking for counseling in which I would be told that we didn't have any problems, it was just me. It took a life changing event to rock me to the core that made me say "Whoa, what am I doing here?" Then, of course eventually I had the fling which really scared me and woke me up. I knew without a doubt if I stayed married to him I'd continue to cheat- even if it was only emotionally- because he was never going to change. I didn't want to be that person who did that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cranium Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Things are better in that we are still together and all conversations regarding separation have ended. We're getting along well and she seems happier. We had a great family holiday a few weeks ago. She is working on things; I can't say she isn't. I will get a little peck or hug now or then, but the physical affection stops there. For me, it was the case of that I always talked to him about why I was unhappy and he would promise to change or make an attempt, then as soon as I started meeting his needs again wholeheartedly (which was sex for him) then that would be it- he would stop trying to meet mine altogether. I'd rock on for a period of time until I would get angry then it would come up again. Lots of crying and asking for counseling in which I would be told that we didn't have any problems, it was just me. It took a life changing event to rock me to the core that made me say "Whoa, what am I doing here?" Then, of course eventually I had the fling which really scared me and woke me up. I knew without a doubt if I stayed married to him I'd continue to cheat- even if it was only emotionally- because he was never going to change. I didn't want to be that person who did that anymore I'm not waiting for her to meet my needs so I can stop meeting hers. I'm still working on getting her back to counseling. Somedays I have to stop and wonder if she is ever going to wholeheartedly attempt to meet my needs. Like I said, just needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Oh, I'm not saying you're doing that. It's far from it where you're concerned C. I know. I'm just saying that's how he "rolled". Are you guys sleeping in the same bed? Will she allow you to give her any affection? Deeper kisses or cuddles? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 It takes time, Cranium. You two have quite a bit of water under the bridge. It's going to take awhile for both of you to rebuild emotional trust. You know, my husband and I went on for something like ten years.... each of us not fully supporting the other. And yet, here we are today, better than ever. It can happen. I do think the key is making a conscious CHOICE to love your partner demonstratively. And even if your wife isn't ready to make that choice.... there's nothing stopping YOU from taking the initiative and setting the example. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cranium Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 I do think the key is making a conscious CHOICE to love your partner demonstratively. And even if your wife isn't ready to make that choice.... there's nothing stopping YOU from taking the initiative and setting the example. CHOICE - exactly! I chose to stand for our marriage and I have taken the initiative. I really work at staying present to NOW and not allow some internal pre-existing conversation intervere with how she shows up for me. I do my best to demonstratively love her and set examples while keeping my expectations in check. I intellectually understand I have no control over her actions/reactions. I can't be 'let down' unless I had an expectation. At the same time, I wonder 'What's a guy gotta do?' It takes time, Cranium. You two have quite a bit of water under the bridge. It's going to take awhile for both of you to rebuild emotional trust. CHOICE comes in here, also. Yes, it takes time, and NOW is all we have. We can chose to trust each other, NOW. Any missing trust is based on past experiences that neither of us can do anything about. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 I chose to stand for our marriage and I have taken the initiative. I really work at staying present to NOW and not allow some internal pre-existing conversation intervere with how she shows up for me. I do my best to demonstratively love her and set examples while keeping my expectations in check. It's kind of empowering really. It puts YOU in the driver's seat when you're making conscious choices, doesn't it? The other guy's choices are beyond you're control, true enough. But life is no longer just happening to you. It's a good feeling. I like these things that JamesM said on another thread. He explains it better than I do. It comes down to commitment...not love, nor any other feelings. Commitment says that when I do not feel that I love you, then I will act like I love you, because I know that this will help make the feeling of love return. Commitment says that I will wake up every morning and try to do things to make you happy. If both partners have that thought then the marriage will keep going. No, this will not happen everday, but if when the time comes (and it will) that the feelings of love and respect are not there, then commitment takes over and says I will do what I can do to rekindle those feelings and remember why I married you..... ...commitment says that I will keep working at this marriage even when I don't feel like it, and even when she doesn't do her part, because I know that if I do, she will also...hope springs eternal.... It sounds to me like maybe your wife isn't fully invested in her committment to the marriage yet. That suggests maybe the emotional trust between you two isn't all it could be. I do think it takes a significant amount of time to rebuild emotional trust, but it CAN be helped along by making a conscious choice to 'trust' actively. This, I think, is the conversation that you might want to develop with her. She needs to know that she can share her emotions with you and that it's ALWAYS safe for her to do that. Optimally, it would work both ways. Once you are completely trusting of each other again with your feelings, it shouldn't be too difficult to shore up your committment to the marriage. Through active committment, fullfillment of ENs (including SF) should be on the menu again. How are you looking in the forgiveness department, btw? Anybody holding a grudge? Link to post Share on other sites
stoopid_guy Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Everyone's different, so an "arbitrary deadline" is impossible to define. One or the other party will get to the point where they just quit trying though and frustration wins out. For me, it was after about a year of sleeping in the same bed after about two years of sleeping in seperate beds. That's with no sexual interaction and only one-way cuddling during the entire period. (Especially frustrating since I still loved her, I still found her sexy, and she wears little or nothing to bed.) That was seven or eight years ago. We're still legally married, we're even friends, but I have no more interest in her romantically or sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
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