broken

[guest]

for the past year my marriage has been up and down one minute my husband tells me how much he loves me the next minute he is searching my purse cell phone and questining my every movement in my day. he hates every person i ever try to be friends with even people i have been friend since elem. school we have been married 11 yrs have to children . i have never cheated on him at never thought about it he has cheated on me several times early in our marriage one with a very close family members wife and some one i could not stand my best friend and met various people on line he constantly talks to women on line and consoles them about their bad relationships . i am not saying i am perfect because i have lied to him to keep im from freaking out over nothing like forgetting to pay the phone bill ill say yeah i paid that and run pay it the nly major lie i have told him was i borowed money on my car once for my sister and once for myself. i don't know what to do in order to make him believe that i have not and will not cheat on him. as far as i know it has been well over five years since he cheated on me. but when he did and we split up he seemed to fine with it . i was the ne crying and tring to figure out what i was going to d ofor my children then i decided that my marriage vows meeant something to me and i was not going to let him walk away with out tring at all i fought like hell to get him to work things out and he acted like he had no intentions on tring when i gave up and was ready to move on is when he decided he was wrong and wanted to come home. i let him and for several years i threw his affair in his face then one day i heard someone say that the day that you can talk about and you don't want to kick the crap out them is the day you can forgive and about 2 years ago that day came . i try like crazy when he claims his knowledge that i m doing something wrong not to remind him he was the one who broke my heart but sometimes he want shut up till i do .

i just can't help but wonder if he is tring to get me to leave him so he want feel bad about leaving me.

i have no passwords to any of his computer whatevers but he knows all of mine i never go into his email but he checks mine often i never chek his wallet but hi goes threw mine daily i never check his milage mine everyday almost cell phone calls checked daily he wants to know every move i make daily and tonigt he pulled my children aside and ask them today when i was at a friends house how many times i left them there and how long i was gone i(my daughter just walked up to me and told me) i did not want to upset her and pry any info from her so i do not know if he ask anything else. i have never seen him like this i am a very independent person and have never been told i could or could not do any thing i am feeling like he wants me to be his prisonor i have told him this and all he can say is he has his feelings for a reasson and he knows something is going on or that i would not care if we were not together than sometimes u te end of th night sometime it takes a few days of evil looks and he is all like i am sorry i love so much and never want to loose you .

i love my husband dearly and when we argue over this kind of stuff i have to think constanly don't do anything stupid you have two wonderful kids who love you and they need you.

( i think this becasue when i was youger i was in a simi abusive home , was molested by a family memeber , almost raped by a friend of my brothers and was a alcholic by the time i was in 7th grade waas sent to conseling which changed the major drinkin gto drugs in turn used drugs until the day i met the man the i married at the age of 17 . he tld me to be with him i had to not use drugs bam i quit married had fairy tale life till he cheated on me amost sprirraled down brought myself back up still a little insacure about who i am but always make my self aware i am a good deserving person i have never take orders or been controlled i don't like feeling overpowered but i am feeling like he either wants to contrll me or is wanting me out of his life

help advice greatly appricaited.

[JadeStar]

There are several reasons that it could be for why he is acting the way he is. Either he is still cheating himself, thinking about it, or he feels that since he did it, then you might too. IMO, you need to put your foot down and tell him to stop being so paranoid and going through your things. Tell him if he wants the marriage to work he has to have some kind of trust. I would also suggest marriage counseling for you both. If he is not willing to work on things and get his paranoia in check then maybe its time to go a different route.

 

 

 

Jade

[nbf4life2]

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that first and foremost you need to find out deep down inside who you really are my dear. I am a person who can definitly relate to being child molested and how it effects the mind and the spirit. I can even remember how and when but, it has made me to become this strong individual that no one or nothing can harm me. This is a feeling that if you think about one the ones who have experienced this can understand.

 

Now in having this ability, some fall short the usage of it and become unfortunelatly, young alcoholics and smokers and so forth. (I do congradulate you for quitting) My point is, your marriage kinda helped with the transition of a new change in your life. You finally said that hey there is more to life that this and maybe I can be saved! Right? You feel love that you have never felt before and really dont want to loose it. But my sista have you ever loved you first or learned how to before he came along. (Not to sound harm harsh and please dont take offense.) I just thought I would ask. You only put up with certain things for certian reasons. What are you afraid of?

 

Your husband has given you a plenty of signs to show you that he has insecurities because he is guilty and has been for some time now. I know that you love him and want to save the marriage. However the children are also affected by this not just you and him. Anytime you husband starts asking the babies about your whereabouts, that is a serious problem at hand.

 

Something is not being said and besides that the reason why he is looking for a reason is because he is so afraid of you doing it to him. You see with men they dont want another man in there playground but, they feel that they can play else where. Isnt that somethings else, but its real talk. The only way your point is going to get across is one........you do some soul searching first. Realize what you will and wont tolerate from yourself, your husband, children, family menbers, friends, foes and anyone else for that matter.

 

What makes you happy and what make you sad. What is you love and your passion. What gives you strength. What commits you to stand by your independency and why? How prayerful have you been and how much of gods time have you given?

 

Then after you have done these things you can deal with your marriage to your husband because you got you together first. Talk to yor husband. Have one of those moments that you are like really out of character on a very calm note. Have some soft music or what ever you prefer.Maybe even a little wine. Play in his hair. Tell him you had a real bad dream and you are still trying to wake up from it. Then skip the conversation. Start a new one like 'Do you remember the first time me met'?

 

Reminisce a little only on the good times, then after everything is done ask him what happen? Ask why do he like hurting you and the children? Why is he looking for something that doesnt exist? What is really or what has been the problem. Calmly go back to the comment you made about the bad dream.........hopefully things will come clear to him. If all else fails give it to god.....for he can do all things and if it so than shall it be done. I hope that I was a help to you for and may god bless you.