One for the married/engaged guys...

[chryssy83]

How did you know that you wanted to get married? Did you ever really stop being scared?

 

I am in a relationship now and I really feel like it's time we make a decision on that front. He generally agrees, and will say that he's pretty certain that we will get married someday. We talk a lot about the future, we make plans, he always includes me when he discusses his future. He refers to his mom as my "future mother-in-law" (although not to her face). BUT...sometimes he still just acts uncertain. What gives?

 

I know it's hard for a guy to commit, but what was it that made you finally go look for rings? I'm not wanting to manipulate this because I want him to be completely into it and not have regrets or feel like he was pushed. However, I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong or if he just needs more time.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[norajane]

Have you tried asking him what he needs in order to be certain? Or what his fears are?

 

It could also be that he wants to get his ducks in a row before making the commitment...things like, finishing school, getting a job, having a certain amount of savings or income to support a family.

[superconductor]

I am in a relationship now and I really feel like it's time we make a decision on that front. He generally agrees, and will say that he's pretty certain that we will get married someday.

Why? What's the big deal about getting married?

 

I don't say that lightly; so many people - usually women - want to live out their fantasy wedding, but don't give much of a second thought to the actual marriage.

 

So ask yourself, are you looking forward to a wedding, or looking forward to being married?

 

We talk a lot about the future, we make plans, he always includes me when he discusses his future. He refers to his mom as my "future mother-in-law" (although not to her face). BUT...sometimes he still just acts uncertain. What gives?

Not knowing the dude, it's awfully hard to say. What sort of plans are you talking about? Buying property? Having kids? Going on trips?

 

I know it's hard for a guy to commit, but what was it that made you finally go look for rings?

God's honest truth, it was the expectations of family and friends. If it were up to me, I would never have gotten married because we were pretty happy as we were without the whole wedding schmear.

 

However, I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong or if he just needs more time.

Probably not anything wrong, he just wants to be sure. It's supposed to be a lifelong commitment, so you don't want to go into it with any hesitation whatsoever (a vain hope, I know, because people change).

[chryssy83]

I have asked him what his concerns are, but it always goes back to marriage being a huge deal. He never talks about a specific issue or concern. The "ducks in a row" thing makes perfect sense, except in this case he's already working, owns a home and a vacation home, a new car, and has plenty of cash on hand besides. We don't need money for a ring or for a wedding.

 

As for why I want to get married--it's not about the wedding. I am willing to have one because I think that outsiders expect it, but I would prefer to just fly to an island somewhere and exchange vows so we can start our life as a married couple. I want to be married because 1) I love this guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him 2) I would like for us to be able to live together and have sex (things I believe are only for marriage) and 3) I want to have kids with him (not immediately but in the next five years or so).

 

We discuss plans for the property he currently owns, property we will someday own together, future trips, having kids, our jobs, savings plans, cars, pets, insurance, etc. Basically everything. There isn't a huge communication issue here, he just says that he's not ready yet and I want to know why...he says there isn't a specific reason, but that he loves me and he really thinks we'll get married someday.

 

I am confused...

[norajane]

How long have you been together?

 

And have you tried asking how far away he thinks 'someday' is? A year? 5 years?

[superconductor]

...he's already working, owns a home and a vacation home, a new car, and has plenty of cash on hand besides. We don't need money for a ring or for a wedding.

There you have it.

 

Sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. With that comes the realization that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that means splitting assets, plus child support, plus alimony, etc. etc.

 

He's probably trying to find a way to bring up a prenup without getting his head bit off. So beat him to the punch. Mention it yourself.

[chryssy83]

Four years together. He refers to us as a married couple like next year.

 

We have already had the prenup talk. He never got to specific terms because I said I'm against signing one, but I offered to talk about concerns he has and he declined. We first talked about it maybe 3 years ago, but it comes up every now and again. I think he would prefer that I signed one, but has never confirmed that it was a deal-breaker. Do you think that is the hold-up? Maybe his family is pressuring him to get something in writing...

[superconductor]

Looks like the prenup is the holdup (hey, that rhymes!). Whether or not it's a deal-breaker isn't clear, but it wouldn't be surprising.

 

Since you already made it clear to him that you won't sign one, then there's not really much point in discussing it, is there? That's likely why it only comes up on occasion, because the reality of this difference can't be denied.

 

I don't know what your personal financial situation is, but remember that a prenup protects both parties. And if agreeing to a prenup is the only thing that's holding him back, then have one drawn up by a competent legal professional.

 

After all, you want him, not his money, therefore you can put his mind at ease by getting a prenup. Then start making wedding plans.

[chryssy83]

I completely understand what a prenup is designed to do--we both happen to be "competent legal professionals"!!!

 

I disagree with them and I won't sign one. Should I ask him if that's his concern? If he says yes, do we just break up over it. I don't really see how you compromise on something like that. My concern isn't over the terms of such an agreement, but the fact that one exists in the first place.

 

Another question--I know I can say I'm not in it for money until I'm blue in the face...but does it still make me look like a gold-digger to refuse to sign?

[superconductor]

I completely understand what a prenup is designed to do--we both happen to be "competent legal professionals"!!!

OK, fair enough. I didn't know that you were both lawyers (or paralegals, or had such knowledge).

 

I disagree with them and I won't sign one. Should I ask him if that's his concern? If he says yes, do we just break up over it. I don't really see how you compromise on something like that. My concern isn't over the terms of such an agreement, but the fact that one exists in the first place.

By all means, ask if that's his concern. Whether you break up over it or not is an open question, but given the fundamental disagreement on this very basic question, you may.

 

Another question--I know I can say I'm not in it for money until I'm blue in the face...but does it still make me look like a gold-digger to refuse to sign?

Words are just words. The only words that have meaning have some action behind them.

 

If the tables were turned and you were the one flush with assets and wanted a prenup, but he refused, what would that say to you about his intentions?

 

For me personally, no prenup = no wedding. End of story. But I won't get married again so it's really not an issue for me.

[chryssy83]

We are both attorneys. Neither of us practices family law, though.

 

As far as who has what assets...he has more because he's older. Even though we have dealt with this issue in the past, it hadn't occurred to me that it might be holding him back. I guess I will ask him about it tonight.

 

Superconductor, do you have AIM?

[superconductor]

Alas, I don't have AIM.

 

Bear in mind that I'm absolutely willing to be wrong here. His reticence may have nothing whatsoever to do with a prenup. But talking with him about it will be the only way, as far as I see, of getting to the bottom of this.

[norajane]

Four years together. He refers to us as a married couple like next year.

 

Well, is next year really too far away for you? What's the problem with waiting a year?

 

I'm not sure what to think about the prenup. You probably should ask him if that's why he's not sure about getting married.

 

Based on your other thread about his jealousy, maybe he has insecurities that you're going to cheat or leave him...which kinda feeds into the whole prenup thing...

[chryssy83]

I'm looking over our state's law on antenuptial agreements right now and I just don't see what he would stand to gain!! I think his primary concern was that some woman would leave him for another guy someday and demand "alimony" (which doesn't exist in this state anymore).

 

I couldn't get anything from him unless I had been out of the workforce like 15 years and probably wouldn't get anything even then if I had cheated on him. Our state allows the judge to consider the behavior of the parties when making a determination. SO...then even if I got anything it would only be rehabilitative. I don't think that maintenance laws are designed to "protect" women with professional degrees!

 

Grrr...I will ask him about it. I just don't want to be missing something. I feel like there comes a time when "I don't know" begins to sound like a "no." I don't want to stick around here forever and then have him say that he didn't ever want this but couldn't bear to admit it, you know? I wish there were a set formula for how these things progressed!!

[HokeyReligions]

 

I know it's hard for a guy to commit, but what was it that made you finally go look for rings?

 

We were out. I stopped and looked in a window at rings. Several times.

 

What made him finally agree to a date was when I said "My mother is moving out of the state in June. I want her at my wedding." We got married a few weeks before she left. Well, before 'we' left. Hubby stayed home and mom and I drove to California by way of the Grand Canyon, and I stayed on in CA for a vacation for several days before I flew back to Houston. My vacation was four times longer than our honeymoon! I think we celebrated our 1 month anniversary when I was in Modesto and Hubby was in Houston!

 

He had cold feet all the way. We were sitting in the waiting room at the country court house waiting for our turn (we were last) - me, mom, my SIL, hubby-to-be and his best friend. HTB stood up to go get a newspaper and everyone but me jumped up and pressed him back down on the bench and said "NO YOUR'E NOT". That was back in the 80's and we're still married. I think his feet started thawing out around our 15th wedding anniversary!

[chryssy83]

Some guys are funny that way...I don't think that mine responds so well to suggestion!! Dang it, when I start thinking about all this it just takes over my brain! Why is love so consuming?

[chicagocathryn]

I hope that you have since then been able to get to the answer to the prenup question. I feel for you as I am in the same predicament but not w/the prenup thing. we are a loving couple and can see a future together but the talk of getting married is always a "stuck"topic w/him. meaning, he just can't expand on when he wants or what is preventing him from popping the question. i too, don't want to manipulate the situation nor make ultimatum's as I am not from that breed, rather i want him to want to get married to me and get excited about our future life together. i know this man loves me but his resistance or ambivalence seems to me like a " i am not sure you're the one" kinda thing. so, hang in there girl and hopefully things will unfold as they are meant to!

[chryssy83]

We talked and he said it's not the prenup thing...he said it's not a deal breaker for him and I shouldn't worry about it.

 

Mostly, I think he's just tired of talking about it. I guess we just won't then...I'll just leave it alone and whatever happens happens. I just really wish that I knew what holds him back.