chryssy83 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 My boyfriend seems to think that there is some sort of attraction between me and one of my co-workers. There isn't, we're just friends. What factors might play into his insecurities, and what can I do to eliminate this problem?? I'm tired of talking about it with him because he just says I don't understand what is going on... Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Has he been jealous before? Is this a pattern for him? Is he generally an insecure person? If not, then ask him exactly what is making him so uncomfortable about this particular guy that is making him react this way? Also ask yourself, are you acting any differently with this guy then you have with any other men you are friends with or have encountered in the past? Is this other guy attractive? Have a better job? Have certain qualities that your BF knows you think are admirable? Or even have certain qualities where your BF feels he himself is lacking? Do you talk A LOT about this guy? Tell your BF how funny he is or constantly sound like your always complimenting him? That may feel to your BF like your putting him down and putting this guy on a pedestool... Is there anything in your behavior that would make your BF feel suspicious? Such as being sneaky with your cell phone... Not wanting to answer it when your BF is around and this guy calls. OR do you ONLY talk to this guy when your BF is not around. Are you hiding the calls from him? Keepin the phone on vibrate or always in your pocket. Things that may appear as suspicious to anyone. I guess all Im trying to say is just make sure your behavior isnt any different then take it up with him. I would then say ask your BF what you can do to make him more comfortable with the situation. Has he met him? Invite this guy to a dinner or for drinks with you and your BF. Maybe even try to hook this guy up with a friend of yours... Try to show your BF that hes a nice guy and its completely innocent. After all this if your BF still has an issue, then hes being insecure and theres nothing you can do. Your BF could just be jealous PERIOD. Just let him know he cant keep this type of behavior up because its going to end up pushing you away. The more he pushs this, the more aggravated you become and your just gonna stop talking to him completely about it and you dont want it to come to that. Make sure he knows through your actions and not just words that you love him and are compeltely happy and have no reason to stray. Hope that helps... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 It could be that your bf is thinking like a guy..."all guys wants sex, so if there's a guy at work hanging around my girl, he obviously wants sex even if she thinks they're just friends." He may or may not be right. In any case, as long as YOU are trustworthy, it really doesn't matter what your work friend's intentions are, because YOU have no interest in him or in cheating or anything else. Your boyfriend must feel a little threatened because he's not necessarily sure that you can't be convinced to stray by some other guy...especially if the other guy is 'better' than him in some way (younger, richer, better looking, funnier, more hair, whatever). I don't know what you can do to make him feel more comfortable. You obviously can't stop seeing the guy if he's a work colleague, and you shouldn't have to give up all your friends. Maybe if you can include your bf in any post-work activities, like happy hour or something, then your bf will see that you're not into the other guy, plus he can "mark his territory" in front of the work colleague. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 He does get insecure about guys sometimes...so I guess it's happened before. I don't know how he picks which guys to be insecure about. When I try to get him to talk about it, he won't. Just says he's not going to tell me what to do. BUT he makes mean comments about this guy any time he comes up in conversation. I guess I talk about him some, and I think a lot of him so what I say is usually positive. I have tried to stop since all this came about. I am never secretive about anything. My phone is on silent when we are together, but that's because we don't answer our phones when we are spending time together out of courtesy. When I am on the phone I don't hide it. I don't even have this guy's phone number, and he doesn't have mine. Our "hanging out" consists only of group lunches during the workday. I have tried to get them to hang out but my bf refuses. Would rather I just go alone (ha, that's a trap, too--no thanks!)... When I tell my boyfriend I love him, he has started asking "how come?". This isn't the first time in our relationship he has done this, but it seems to be more frequent right now. If he's that insecure, and I have searched and searched my own behaviors but can find no justification for him feeling that way, what does it mean? Why did he pick THAT guy to worry about, and is is possible that this insecurity is what keeps him from being able to fully commit? If so, is that fatal to the relationship?? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenSpirit Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 It could be fatal because you have to ask yourself if this is something you can constantly put up with? It sounds to me like he is an insecure person and it doesnt sound like it has anything to do with your behavior. I dont know why he singeled this particular man out, maybe some of the guys on this board might know the answer to that one. Maybe your BF thinks this other guy would be someone you would be interested in if your BF wasnt in the picture so it makes him crazy. Maybe this other guy has something that your BF thinks he doesnt have. Your BF is making this fatal not you. You have to think about you right now not him. Is this something you can deal with? If it starts with one guy friend, whose to say it wont be the next and the next... Your BF does sound very insecure and I dont know if it has anything to do with fully commit... That might be something else completely... Have you tried talking to your BF about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 It could be fatal because you have to ask yourself if this is something you can constantly put up with? It sounds to me like he is an insecure person and it doesnt sound like it has anything to do with your behavior. I dont know why he singeled this particular man out, maybe some of the guys on this board might know the answer to that one. Maybe your BF thinks this other guy would be someone you would be interested in if your BF wasnt in the picture so it makes him crazy. Maybe this other guy has something that your BF thinks he doesnt have. Your BF is making this fatal not you. You have to think about you right now not him. Is this something you can deal with? If it starts with one guy friend, whose to say it wont be the next and the next... Your BF does sound very insecure and I dont know if it has anything to do with fully commit... That might be something else completely... Have you tried talking to your BF about this? Excellent Advice ! I could not have typed it better. You can NOT cure him . He will get WORSE. He OWNS his insecurities . Not YOU. He can get help.... This is HIS problem projecting on to YOU. Remember that.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 I have stopped talking about the guy so much and it seems to have helped. I told him that I wasn't doing anything wrong, but if there was anything I could change that might make him feel more comfortable with this friendship I would do it...but I'm not going to ditch the friendship. This particular friend isn't that close to me and I seriously doubt we will be lifelong friends or anything, but I am not setting that kind of precident. I guess I will see where this leads.... Link to post Share on other sites
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