Underestimating the importance of sex?

[Nur]

It can go both ways for both genders. The most common scenario, I think, is the man not being thoughtful/emotional enough for the woman, possibly because males are trained from the time they are little to be "tough" and "not show emotion" (a guy who cries is weak, etc.) They still feel emotions, of course, but sometimes they fail to express them enough, and forget that the spark must be continuously rekindled. The woman, in return, does not particularly want to please him in bed, for she feels he is being distant or uncaring. After all, resentment is a killer to desire.

 

But the opposite can happen as well. The guy can work hard to be emotionally there, but perhaps isn't a sexual person. Like an above poster said, sometimes sex drives are simply mismatched. The woman, then, believes that he finds her undesireable (after all, doesn't every possible resource about guys tell us again and again that all men want sex all the time? So she must be pretty unattractive for the man not to want her, right?)

 

Sex can be a way of sharing emotional intimacy for men and women, but by the same token both men and women can separate the act from the emotional bonds, to a less satisfying result. I think a man might well feel less desirous of a woman if she is never emotionally there as well, always giving him the feeling that she is being uncaring or distant -- it is just a less common occurance than the other way around because women don't feel the need to repress their emotions to the same extent.

 

It's true that women express intimacy by MORE than sex. We have multiple ways that we like to be fulfilled: both emotionally and physcially. Some men might be fine with going about normal life and then going for sex when they are in the mood to express love, but I don't think they'll find the woman in agreement. Sex alone is not enough to express love to a woman -- many of us need also signs of thoughtfullness and love in every aspect of the day. To be treated like a friend until the guy wants to hop in bed will make us feel used. To be treated consistently with love, with words of affirmation or thoughtful acts during the day and with sex in the bedroom, is fulfilling.

 

I think the man's ability to make sex the sole form of showing love has to do with men's compartimentalization of their lives. It's often the way they naturally store information -- go to work, take care of the car, watch the game, make dinner, make love to the wife, etc. But women don't like to feel compartmentalized. We like to be a constant part of that person's life, and if we don't feel that way, it's hard not to feel used. We can't help thinking, "So, now that YOU'RE in the mood, you can just jump on me and everything will be peachy, even though you've barely showed me a sign of love or affection all day?" They think the man is making up the part about showing love, and all he wants is sex. It's hard to feel eager to be in bed with someone who you feel only takes you out of your compartment when he gets around to you.

 

The faster men learn to uncompartmentalize his wife or girlfriend, the happier all will be. Perhaps it'd be good for men to teach themselves to kindle the relationship at all times of the day -- I think the strong, all-over connection you will achieve is quite worth it.

[norajane]

Great post, Nur. Thanks!

[alwaysthere]

Good one but there is no definite answer to your question Nora.

 

women are soo complex at times and behave differenty at different stages. Significance of sex in a relationship primarily depends on how the girl behaves during and after sex. If she is very happy and adds another dimention to the relationship after sex..its sends a strong signal to the guy. Girls gotta be wise at this stage, Strong signal can scare him off if hes a jerk kind or establishes a lasting bond if he is looking for commitment.

 

Sex also acts like abond between couple who are feeling insecure about their relationship.

 

Having sex in the very beginning of the relationship mite kill the relationship.. c'se thats exactly what many guys look for and they get it easy then they dont look for love ( or look elsewhere for love!)

 

When the relationship is matured enuf to understand the significance of sex and when the girl explains why she is willing to have it .. it indirectly tells him she is responsible and a good future mother.

 

Commitment has nothing to do with sex, for a guy whos commited even a kiss is good enuf . Man n women have different perceptions bout sex, thats evolutionary. For men its a way to destress, forget troubles and be himself. Sex for men has a completely different meaning when the girl hurts his ego and later patches up and agrees to have sex.. it tells him hes in control and a man dosent wanna lose something he is in control of.

 

For men the most memorable moments are woven around the time of intercourse and that explains why men connect sex with other subtle emotions.

 

Women are much much more complex .. and i dont have a supercomputer with me now!

[alwaysthere]

Good one NUR.. made me WISER.