I think I found the right forum....

[TheWrongOne]

I posted this over in General Relationship Discussion coz I didn't see this place all hidden away.... no-one responded over there, PLEEEEEEEEEASE somebody respond here.... I know it's long but I need advice so bad.... please.... thank you.

 

I started going out with a girl back at the end of April, a girl who's in my school but who I'd never really spoken to until we started chatting on Bebo. We met up and went to the city and got stoned and had fun. A few days later she told me she really liked me, so I asked her out. I was happy to be in a relationship for the first time in a while, but I didn't see it lasting long because I always tend to **** things up. We were texting each other a whoooooole lot, it was all going soooooo well, she wrote poems about me that made me feel like I was making her soooooo happy and that made me feel even better. She said I was the guy she always wanted before she even knew I existed. She said she was mine forever, and I said I was hers forever. We exchanged notes in school several times a day, every day (she was only in one of my classes), we were so open with our feelings for one another. I told her I loved her in a text. She told me I didn't love her, said no-one could love her. I told her I did, I phoned her and told her I did. She hung up and called me back and told me she loved me. I was sooooo ****ing happy, it was the best feeling in the world. The next day I looked her in the eye and told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too. That feeling was even better, like nothing I've ever felt before. Every moment we spent together was absolutely amazing, the best days of my life, we skipped school together, just sat in the park for hours and hours together while everyone else was in school, we sat huddled to one another coz we were freezing cold and we talked and listened to music and fed the ducks.... I'd give anything to live those days again, nothing I've ever experienced has come close to those days. Then came summer, and I was going to Belarus for aid work. Just for a week. We talked on the phone for hours most days while I was away (I thought I was able to call her for free because my credit balance stayed the same for days.... then one day it said minus €500!!). She kept talking about how she missed me sooo much, she said she couldn't believe how much she missed me, and I missed her too. But it was weird, I had doubts about whether I loved her, I don't know why.... I think it was just coz I missed her, I got over the doubts pretty quickly, but I couldn't get over how bad I felt for having had the doubts in the first place. When I got back things were weird.... I kept beating myself up for having had doubts, I didn't tell her about it but she could tell there was something wrong. I was set to go to South Africa (for a month) the next week. Those few days before I went were so bad, I felt so useless, I couldn't be myself around her because.... I don't know why. Our last day together before I went, I gave her a note about how crap I felt, how I felt like I wasn't good enough, how sorry I was for being such a crap boyfriend.... she took it so badly, thought it was her fault, it was all wrong.... we talked for ages to sort things out, I thought it went okay, she told me she loved me sooooo much and was gonna miss me when I went. I thought everything was okay, or as okay as it could be after my ****-up. A week after I got to South Africa, she sent me a message, asked me to ring her. I knew it was bad. I knew what she was gonna tell me before I even called her. Hell, I knew what was wrong before I even knew anything was wrong.... if that makes sense. I just knew it, dunno why. So I rang her and she told me what I already knew, she'd cheated on me a few days earlier, 3 days after I left. I wasn't mad at her.... I felt like ****, I felt completely worthless but I so wasn't mad at her. I was mad at me for giving her a reason to cheat. I was so ****ing mad at myself.... I know if I had been the guy she wanted, like she always said I was, then it never would have happened. People don't just cheat for fun, they cheat because they don't care about the person they're cheating on, and because they know that person isn't who they want. They might not be thinking that at the time but it's what they truly feel. And I knew I wasn't good enough for her, I knew this was proof, I told her how sorry I was for making her cheat.... at least I think I did, I can't really remember.... I should have anyway. We talked a lot before I came back, she said how she loved me and how sorry she was and it had meant nothing and she'd never do it again and all she wants is me and I'd done nothing wrong though she wishes I'd be more confident in myself.... I keep telling her I can never be that confident guy she wants, it's just not in me, I have no ****ing right to be confident, any confidence would be a lie and I can't lie.... I got back and we met and talked and we decided to go on a break, I knew i wasn't over the fact that she cheated on me, I don't know if I ever will be.... but I love her so much and she says she loves me too and says we'll get back together when the time is right and we'll be together forever. Just her and I both know that now isn't the right time for us, she's got a lot going on in her life, a lot in her past that she has to deal with and things in her everyday life that make her be someone she doesn't want to be and make her do things she doesn't want to do.... she's got so many problems I wish she'd talk to me about, coz I wanna help her and be the one she can rely on, apart from herself. And that's why I can understand why she cheated.... I really can, I know she wouldn't have done it if I had been a good enough person for her but I can still understand why she did it. We said we'd still talk all the time and meet up as much as possible. Last night we were meant to go to a party together, we were invited together, she never reminded me, she just went and I stayed at home lonely like I've never been.... she didn't want me there, she wanted to have fun and be able to do what she wanted without having me around burdening her. We said all week we'd meet up today, Saturday.... she's in town all day and hasn't tried to contact me, she's having fun with her friends and doesn't want me around. I feel so ****ing ****, I was depressed before I met her and on medication, but even then I never felt this bad.... this unwanted, no-one wants me.... I'm just gonna shut up now coz this is way too long and it makes no sense. I just wanted to talk.... if anyone has anything to say, if anyone has actually read this far.... please help.

[evilsponge]

Jesus man, grow some forking balls and quit being a wimp! I'm sorry to sound so harsh but someone needs to kick you out of this slump. She cheated on you and you apologized?! I don't care how depressed you were acting around her, she didn't have the right to cheat on you, and no less than 3 DAYS after you left! hmmmm.....so she cheats on you, breaks up with you because she needs "space", and blows you off to go have fun with her friends and party. Yep, that sure sounds like love to me

 

It sounds like you guys are young, really young. First, break up with this girl. She not ready for a serious relationship, and if she is maybe you formally breaking up with her will be the jolt she needs to realize what she's lost. Second, stop blaming yourself for every little problem. The more you say you don't deserve any respect, the less anyone is going to respect you. Third, you said you're on meds for depression. Keep taking them and make sure you see a therapist if you arn't already, depression is a slippery slope that only gets worse if you let it.

[TheWrongOne]

Hehe.... thanks for being harsh! Just thought I'd start by saying I'm not on anti-depressants anymore, I gave them up when I met her, she's better than any drug.

 

Yanno, the most annoying thing is, she says I did nothing wrong to make her cheat. I wish she'd just ****ing tell me what I did. I mean, it's pretty reasonable to think that if I had been the right guy for her, she wouldn't have cheated on me.... right? And she says I am.... she says it soooo often, and it makes me happier than I've ever been, and then something always happens that just makes me feel like she doesn't give a **** about me. I just wish she's be honest with me and tell me if I'm not what she wants instead of making me feel on top of the world one moment, and then ripping my heart out the next.

 

And she didn't break up with me! We came to an agreement, she didn't want to even go on a break but she knew I'm not over the whole thing so we decided on a break.... just so we can mature and prepare for committment coz neither of us have been in a proper relationship before.

 

Thanks for reading all that crap, it must have taken a lot of effort!

[superconductor]

Actions speak louder than words, my friend, and her actions are a megaphone blasting in your ear at the decibels of a Who concert. They're saying, "Grow a shiny new pair of balls and get out while you still can!"

 

Will it hurt? Yup.

 

Will you be sad for a while? Yup.

 

Will you get over it? Yup.

 

Will you become a better man because of it? Yup.

[TheWrongOne]

I don't wanna get out though.... you have no idea how much I DON'T wanna get out! It sucks! I know I should get out, I know I HAVE TO get out, but I won't.... I keep thinking about how right now things between us are kinda ****ed up, but I keep looking to that future and what we'd always talked about, being together outside of this ****ed up town, a real future together, and that's all I want.... I don't wanna let that go, I wanna try everything I can to make this work out.... I know it's gonna make for a lot more hurt in the long run, but I'm used to it. Or I will be by the time she's finished with me.

[superconductor]

Well, if you've already decided that your life is not worthy of respect, and somehow you've convinced yourself that it's ok that she treats you like dirt, then why bother coming here asking for opinions?

[TheWrongOne]

I came here asking for opinions, like you said. Do you really expect me to automatically decide "ooh, they say I should do this, wow, maybe I should go against every instinct in my body just so I can do what they think is right?" Ehh.... not likely. I'm sorry for coming here in the first place, I wanted to talk about what was on my mind, I wanted to get it out, and I wanted to hear people tell me how wrong I am, so maybe it would make me change my mind. I suspected that no-one would see my side of the coin, but I still kinda hoped that maybe someone would see where I'm coming from with my thinking. I ****ing love her and I wanna be with her forever. Surely someone can understand that it's not just a matter of flicking a switch and putting her out of my life. I don't want her out of my life, because I love her.

[superconductor]

Do you really expect me to automatically decide "ooh, they say I should do this, wow, maybe I should go against every instinct in my body just so I can do what they think is right?"

No, of course not.

 

The point here is to get you thinking with something other than your heart. Your head has to be in the equation too.

 

Deny either of them at your peril.

[Shyguy86]

Just out of curiosity. How old are you?

I'm going to agree with the other people on this one. She cheated on you! Stop blaming yourself for everything, because it's not your fault. Just because she says she wants to be together for ever and you're the only one doesn't make it so! People lie through their teeth more than they tell the truth. Look at me I'm the president of the united states........ Am I? Hell no, I'm from canada! Just because I said it doesn't make it true. Even though it's the hardest thing you could probably do, end it and don't look back. Find someone else.

[TheWrongOne]

I'm 17 (cue a whole load of people saying I'm too young, blah blah, don't know what love is etc....). I know she either lied when she said I'm the one for her, or else she's fooling herself. I can't see why the hell anyone would lie about something like that though.

 

And yeah, I gotta get thinking with something else other than my heart. I dunno.... I know it's not that big a deal to anyone else but it means a lot to me. She means a lot to me, I can't imagine my life without her even though I've only known her a while. She understands me better than anyone.... I could go on all day. Better not. Sorry for being stubborn and stuff.

 

Somebody please answer me this.... is it completely ****ed up to be thinking this.... the way I see it, she says I'm the one for her. Yet she cheated on me. I'm thinking, what am I doing wrong? Why am I not the one for her? What do I have to do to be the one for her? It's really not helping.... hell I answered my own question, I know it's ****ed up to be thinking like that, but I can't help it! I'm an idiot....

[superconductor]

I'm 17 (cue a whole load of people saying I'm too young, blah blah, don't know what love is etc....).

Yes, 17 is young, but that doesn't make your feelings any less relevant.

 

I know she either lied when she said I'm the one for her, or else she's fooling herself. I can't see why the hell anyone would lie about something like that though.

It's not a lie in the sense that she knows better and is trying to hide something. But she's young too, and she's (like you) is mistaking the fluttering of emotions for something like love. It's not, of course, but it feels like it.

 

Why am I not the one for her? What do I have to do to be the one for her?

"The one" is a fiction dreamed up by Hollywood and sellers of pulp novels. There's no such thing as "the one" or "soulmates" or anything of the sort.

 

I know it's ****ed up to be thinking like that, but I can't help it! I'm an idiot....

No, it's not farked up, and no, you're not an idiot. You're just experiencing the rush of infatuation and mistaking it for love. But that's normal and is to be expected.

 

For the record, I went through exactly - and I do mean exactly - the same thing when I was 17/18. And I felt exactly - and I do mean exactly - the same thing.

 

Like a fool, I stuck it out. The end result was disaster, but I knew it was coming. I repeatedly put off the inevitable break-up because, well, I was scared of never finding love again.

 

So what you're going through is nothing new under the sun. But take it from one who knows: gather your stones up and leave.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Not to ruud to you,but the only thing does come to mind i

 

RUN forrster RUN

[TheWrongOne]

Hehe.... I'm kinda (very) drunk so don't take what I'm saying as the God's honest truth, but I was out with another girl tonight and all I can say is.... YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D right now.... all I'm thinking is, I hope my ex is feeling right now what I felt when she told me she cheated on me.... when I was out with that other girl tonight, I saw my ex's best friend, and she saw me, so she probably told my ex.... I hope she knows. And I hope she feels nothing but regret. I know she won't because she doesn't give a **** about me. And I know this other girl won't last for long because she's not from around here and she's going home in 4 weeks.... but still.... I'm on top of the ****ing world right now!!!! I can't believe the hottest girl I've ever seen actually likes me!! Hehe!!!! I still wanna be with my ex.... I really do.... but it's not gonna happen, is it? So.... I dunno.... maybe it's just the Jack Daniel's talking but yeah.... I want someone who cares about me not only to my face, but who cares about me when I'm not around too. My ex was all "I love you" and stuff when I was there, but the minute I left I didn't matter to her one bit.... anyway.... I'm rambling like a crazy person.... goodnight! Thank you for the advice to everyone by the way. Sorry for being such a stubborn *******. And ehh.... I dunno how I'll be feeling in the morning so.... I'm not finished with needing advice yet!

[evilsponge]

Good for you man.