He's reversed his views on children - and now it's too late

[Guest]

My husband and I married in our mid-twenties. At that time, he was adamant that he did not want children. I was a little more equivocal on the issue, but I knew that I wanted him more than I wanted a family, so I married him anyway. We have had fifteen years of solid, largely happy, marriage. The only problem is that, now that we're in our early forties, my husband has decided that he wants children. Had this change of heart occurred five years ago, I would have been delighted. But now? Why now, when there are too many complications?

 

Accordingly to my doctor, my chances of getting pregnant naturally are extremely low. I could try IVF, but I don't want to take the drugs, which are bound to affect my work performance, and which are dangerous with my family history of cancer anyway. Even if I get pregnany naturally, the chance of genetic abnormalities is high, and I simply could not cope with a disabled child. Besides – and this is by no means a small consideration – I have spent most of my life focusing on my career. I'm at the top of my game, a valued and cherished member of the team, and I neither can nor want to take mat leave. I've grown into the idea of a childfree existence, and I'm too old to change.

 

Still, I can not deny my husband's intense and burning desire to procreate. Yes, I feel a little anger and bitterness that it is still a choice for him, and not for me. But fact is, even knowing what I do now, I would still make the same decision to marry him again.

 

I have thought long and hard about this, and I can see only two options. I can hang onto my husband, and deny him what he really wants. He'd stay – he's the type of man who takes his vows seriously - but he would be miserable. Or I can let him go, tell him to find a woman who can give him children. I don't know how he'd react to that, but given how much he wants children, I suspect that if he thought I was genuine and he knew I'd be okay (and I would be), he would take me up on the offer.

 

We have always tried to be honest, practical people. But I just don't know what to do...

[silentcharon]

My husband and I married in our mid-twenties. At that time, he was adamant that he did not want children. I was a little more equivocal on the issue, but I knew that I wanted him more than I wanted a family, so I married him anyway. We have had fifteen years of solid, largely happy, marriage. The only problem is that, now that we're in our early forties, my husband has decided that he wants children. Had this change of heart occurred five years ago, I would have been delighted. But now? Why now, when there are too many complications?

 

Accordingly to my doctor, my chances of getting pregnant naturally are extremely low. I could try IVF, but I don't want to take the drugs, which are bound to affect my work performance, and which are dangerous with my family history of cancer anyway. Even if I get pregnany naturally, the chance of genetic abnormalities is high, and I simply could not cope with a disabled child. Besides – and this is by no means a small consideration – I have spent most of my life focusing on my career. I'm at the top of my game, a valued and cherished member of the team, and I neither can nor want to take mat leave. I've grown into the idea of a childfree existence, and I'm too old to change.

 

Still, I can not deny my husband's intense and burning desire to procreate. Yes, I feel a little anger and bitterness that it is still a choice for him, and not for me. But fact is, even knowing what I do now, I would still make the same decision to marry him again.

 

I have thought long and hard about this, and I can see only two options. I can hang onto my husband, and deny him what he really wants. He'd stay – he's the type of man who takes his vows seriously - but he would be miserable. Or I can let him go, tell him to find a woman who can give him children. I don't know how he'd react to that, but given how much he wants children, I suspect that if he thought I was genuine and he knew I'd be okay (and I would be), he would take me up on the offer.

 

We have always tried to be honest, practical people. But I just don't know what to do...

 

There are a lot of other things you could do.

 

For starters, you might suggest that your husband look into volunteer work with children. I know this may sound bad, but it may change his mind- or help both of you understand better why he wants children.

 

Don't let him go- consider adoption instead. This may be better for you as a career woman, the child can be old enough to be put in day care while you two go to work, and so on. You won't even have to take maternity leave, and you get to keep your husband.

 

What do you think?

[justagirliegirl]

Have you actually tried getting pregnant?

 

There are women in my family who had babies in their early 40s. The only complication was needing a c section but that might not have been age related.

 

There are donor eggs and surrogates too. Lots more options than there used to be.

[silentcharon]

Have you actually tried getting pregnant?

 

There are women in my family who had babies in their early 40s. The only complication was needing a c section but that might not have been age related.

 

There are donor eggs and surrogates too. Lots more options than there used to be.

 

Nevertheless, she pointed out her medical info/age, it sounds like she doesn't want to try and she said herself she can't deal with a disabled child. Maternity leave will be needed, and she also said she didn't want that, so that's out too.

 

Donor eggs and surrogate mothers are good ideas though.

[magichands]

and she said herself she can't deal with a disabled child.

 

Whether you want to think about it or not, older mothers don't have a monopoly on genetic problems and birth abnormalities.

[silentcharon]

Whether you want to think about it or not, older mothers don't have a monopoly on genetic problems and birth abnormalities.

 

I don't know if this was directed to me or not, I was simply pointing out that after considering her genetic factors, there is a good chance she will end up with a disabled child which she said she cannot cope with.

[magichands]

I don't know if this was directed to me or not, I was simply pointing out that after considering her genetic factors, there is a good chance she will end up with a disabled child which she said she cannot cope with.

 

Do you have any statistics to back that up? Take down syndrome - less than 1% at age 40 to almost 10% at age 49. While that is a skyrocketing of risk - I'm not sure that it is typical of all genetic conditions.

[quankanne]

I think the suggestion to do volunteer work with children first will give both of you a better idea of what you'd be getting into by having/adopting a child into y'alls marriage. There's the Big Brother/Big Sister organization, there's CASA (who advocate children in court cases, I believe), there's mission work done at international orphanages, and I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

it may be that getting involved with a children's volunteer group might be what it takes for him to calm that yearning for a child immediately while giving the both of you additional time to talk your options through – there's really no call for something as drastic as divorce unless the situation is truly irreconciliable. In the meantime, some little kid is going to benefit from his and your involvement.

 

good luck, and keep us posted.

[Outcast]

Unless he absolutely must replicate his own genetic material (and I'll never get why people do, myself), then there's adoption. Plenty of perfectly good kids who need homes out there in the world already.

[norajane]

Huh. So he's reached his 40's...maybe he's going through his mid-life crisis, facing his own mortality...and now suddenly he wants to create mini-him to help him feel better...

 

Obviously I have no idea if that's where this "burning desire to procreate" suddenly came from, but I think it's telling that you describe it that way, rather than him wanting to be a father.

 

I'm sorry; I don't have any useful advice except to seek marriage counseling to help the two of you discuss this fully.

[yesmaybe]

Besides the problem of getting pregannt...

 

Have you both discussed what would happen if there is a child? Who would be the primary caretaker? Would you stay home? Would he? How about finances? The challenges of being an older parent? Etc. etc. etc..

 

What happens if you try but you can't conceive? Is adoption ok - and are you in a financial position to make that happen?

 

I also suspect your husband is having a mid-life crisis. Maybe, if you ask him all the tough, real-life questions, he will cut you come slack and realize that parenthood is not as charmed as he thinks it is.

[silentcharon]

Do you have any statistics to back that up? Take down syndrome - less than 1% at age 40 to almost 10% at age 49. While that is a skyrocketing of risk - I'm not sure that it is typical of all genetic conditions.

 

Yes, I do. There is some things she can do however, like get tested before pregnancy to find out how likely she will pass on the defects. Then, if she does get pregnant, she can have her baby tested for everything- if her baby has an abnormality, she can decide whether she wants to keep it or not. This is a fairly common practice with older couples, as it is recommended to have genetic screening, whether they have medical histories or not.

 

For any chromosomal abnormalities, compared to your downs syndrome (1 to 10) statistic, for mothers at 49, it's 1 to 8 and 1 in 66 for age 40. It is too, a big jump in nine years but more likely to have defects other than downs happen.

 

If you like, you can check this link out, it's got a chart comparing downs to any abnormalities.

http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/Defect/page21.htm

[bab]

adoption!!!

[The slayer]

Huh. So he's reached his 40's...maybe he's going through his mid-life crisis, facing his own mortality...and now suddenly he wants to create mini-him to help him feel better...

 

Obviously I have no idea if that's where this "burning desire to procreate" suddenly came from, but I think it's telling that you describe it that way, rather than him wanting to be a father.

 

I'm sorry; I don't have any useful advice except to seek marriage counseling to help the two of you discuss this fully.

 

I think this is a really important point. The desire to procreate really isn't the same thing as deciding you want a child. I think many people both men and women will decide they want to procreate when they have a sniff of their own mortality. Did your husband suffer the bereavement of anyone close to him, maybe an elder relative around the time of this change of heart?

 

I agree with some of the earlier posters spend more time with and around children, see how it goes. Then you could maybe consider fostering or adoption.

 

I certainly don't see why you should indulge his desire to procreate to the extent of standing aside and enabling him to find a younger woman, especially given the fact that you yourself would have liked your own children, but were prepared to compromise on this for his sake. Marriage is a compromise and he may have left it too late to get everything he might want. Many people manage to lead very happy lives despite not having the children they might have wanted and remaining childless does not mean having no children in your life.

 

Hang on in there!

[SoleMate]

I agree that standing aside for him to find a younger woman is a terrible idea, bordering on absurdity. You both made life decisions based on the idea that your marriage was forever. You made a serious compromise (no kids) to keep him in your life. I really can't accept the idea that he cannot make an analogous sacrifice. Your H really should rid himself of the idea that he can wish for and have everything he wants.

 

You say, "He would be miserable." That is a prediction that no person can realistically make. You're both kidding yourselves big time if you think you can preduict the future like that. It is completely untrue that he is condemned to a lifetime of regret if he doesn't go ahead and have children now. No children does not equal no happiness. His feelings are created by his thoughts, not by events, like children or lack thereof. The way he chooses to think about your family situation will determine whether he is happy or has regrets.

 

Even if you selflessly decided to stand aside and gave him a "guilt free" exit pass from this marriage, it is quite possible that :

 

* he would not find another woman

* she would not agree to children

* they would not be able to have children (male or female factor infertility)

* their r/s would fail

* she would leave him

* he would be eaten up by regret for mistreating his loyal wife

* he would be bitter and miserable without the woman he has always loved best

* he would be tormented by the ease with which his "life partner" let him go without a fight or a word of complaint

* he would see you moving on and happy while he struggles to pull his life together

* he would fall deeply in love, marry SuperWoman, spawn the Brady Bunch, be ecstatic, and then one of the kids would get a horrible fatal disease and the family would be ripped apart and emotionally crippled by the child's protracted suffering

* he would realize that he actually regrets the kid he ends up having, who could be a little brat that cost him his most important r/s, i.e. with you

* etc.

 

I'm not being flippant. My point is, there are so many possible outcomes that bear no resemblance to your confident prediction of his misery staying within a childless marriage, and fulfillment outside of it. This issue is a challenge and crisis for your marriage, and it deserves a fuller treatment than the inaccurate future predictions you are both making.

 

I suggest that you explore both your own anger and resentment ("Now you tell me!!") and the possibility of a passing midlife crisis on his part. This desire to procreate is not the absolute trump force of human existence. In addition to the volunteer work, adoption, aunt/uncle/godparent options, he could also consider becoming a sperm donor, even an open-source sperm donor.

 

One thing you realize when you have kids (I have two) is that NOTHING associated with the getting or the having of them is predictable, or even amenable to much control. They come when they are not wanted, and they fail to come when desired. They come as boys rather than girls. They are bookish and unhealthy instead of athletic. They have mental disorders and they mess up the living room. They push parents apart. They take drugs and crash cars. They have mental disorders and commit crimes. You think you can't cope, and then you do. Or you don't. They cause many tears, and also much joy. You don't know ahead of time the tears/joy ratio you will be experiencing. In some cases, it is 97% burning hot tears for all of their brief existence.

 

You appear to be deeply attached to him. If I were you and I loved him, I would not let him go on this flimsy premise. You married him for better or worse. This is a crisis, but I do not see that it has to become the defining moment of your marriage.

[Guest]

I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who replied. I feel much calmer now. I will sit down with my husband and talk and offer some alternatives and see what he says.

 

While I appreciate the suggestion, I don't think that adoption or fostercare is the answer. It wouldn't solve many of my problems. For example, someone asked whether he had considered who would do the caring. I'm pretty sure that the answer is "me" - my husband is well intentioned, but I will end up doing most of the work, if only because of his erratic hours. It also wouldn't solve my husband's issues. He wants a genetic link, a piece of himself, I'm sure. But the sperm donor idea may work. We hadn't considered that.

 

Or maybe I do just need to sit through this phase...

 

As was rightfully pointed out, he's my husband, I should fight for him. He's worth it.