motoxstar Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Ok, this is a long story but please hang with me. I grew up in California and met the guy of my dreams in 2003. His name is Alex and he was going to school in CA to finish his business degree and race some motocross. We share MANY common intrests and consider eachother our own bestfriends, and for this we have a very communicative relationship. A ton of drama happened with my parents, (I'll skip that because it has nothing to do with the engagement question) for which I was extremely surprised that Alex stuck by my side and supported me. Alex graduated from college in December of 2005, and we were stronger than ever and had been together for 2 years. A couple weeks before graduation we went up to Las Vegas to relax before finals and get some time to ourselves. He proposed to me atop the Eiffel Tower at the Paris hotel and I was completely SURPRISED. Although he did not proposed with a ring, he slipped a paper ring on my finger and said he wanted to make my real ring special by working hard for it. THis was not a big deal to me, and I admired the thought. When we got back to the room, I asked him if he was going to call his parents and tell them (back in North Carolina). He sent a picture of the ring on my finger to his mom's phone and she texted messaged him saying congratulations, but in a very confused way. Nothing more was really ever said between him and his mom about our "engagement" let alone his father who at this point knew nothing of our engagement. When December came, it was time to figure out if I was going back to NC with Alex, or staying in CA. It was a pretty rough road to go down becuase his father kept insisting that I stay in CA (his father supossedly likes me but has a huge issue with marriage, and knowing at least that we were serious was enough to make him uneasy.). I ended up coming to NC at the end of December and I thought I would be known to everyone as Alex's fiancee and perhaps we could get started on some planning for a future wedding or even having some "talks" with his mom about that type of stuff. Completely the opposite happened. Nobody knew we were engaged besides our close friends, and even when they knew we were engaged they would ask me where my ring was. It has been 8 months since we were "engaged". Alex's dad unfortunately got sick in december and has just recently (june) gotten completely better. Alex has had a hard time finding a job here, because unlike CA jobs are kind of hard to come by in NC (at least where we live). All I want is for it to be known Alex and I are engaged, that we are getting married July 7th 2007, and he can get me a ring when he gets a stable job. Does anyone have any advice for this crazy fiasco?? -motoxstar Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 It was a pretty rough road to go down becuase his father kept insisting that I stay in CA (his father supossedly likes me but has a huge issue with marriage, and knowing at least that we were serious was enough to make him uneasy.). You're making it sound a bit like you think he's not proud of being engaged to you. Or is it more that his parents are giving him certain "feedback," and he is afraid to tell them how he really feels about you? So... you are having doubts about how he really feels about you? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 I'm not sure I understand what the fiasco is? He proposed, you accepted, you both live in NC, and you're getting married in a year. Are you upset that you don't have a ring yet that you can show people? His family and your close friends know that you are engaged...who else do you need to know about it? Are you upset that his family isn't full of wedding planning talk with you? His dad has been sick the whole time you've been out there... Or are you upset that your boyfriend isn't talking about the wedding? Most guys don't; have you brought up the subject of plans? Link to post Share on other sites
Author motoxstar Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 his family DOESNT KNOW. Only our "close friends". His too afraid to tell his father. THats the fiasco in a nutshell. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 His mother knows...why is he afraid to tell his father? What does your fiancee say when you ask him why he feels it necessary to hide the extent of your relationship? I think this has a lot more to do with your fiancee than his family. Unless you two can talk about this and resolve it together, you might want to reconsider the whole marriage thing...if he can't even tell his father about your marriage, he sounds like he's a bit too immature (or not ready) to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author motoxstar Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 I thin khis mother is afraid to tell his father because she too knows how he feels about marriage and his "baby son" starting that chapter in life because a big traumatic event in his own life. When his father married his first wife he was sent off to "the war" and when he returned he found another man's truck in his driveway and needless to say another man in his bed with his now former wife. His father has some major trust issues with women and it has taken a lot for him to make this marriage with Alex's mother work so well (ie..counseling/church). I am just upset over the fact that Alex can't "formally" tell his whole family about us so we can move on. I feel like were stuck in this stagnant phase of post engagement minus the formal announcement of the engagement. Does that make sense? Alex also had huge trouble with dating girls and his father having a problem with it before he met me, and that has put a stigma on Alex and his comunication about his "significant other" with his father. I believe he is afraid of a major lash back from his father if he tells his father about our relationship, at it hurts me...but I also can sympathize with his situation. what to do, what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Honestly, all his father can do is rant and rave, really. Your boyfriend apparently can't face that. He needs to deal with his father issues. Have you asked your boyfriend how long this situation will continue? What will make it change? Obviously, his dad isn't suddenly going to change his views on relationships, so what does your boyfriend think is going to happen by waiting to tell him about your engagement? Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Having your finace wait till the last minute to tell his father whats going on will not help the situation at all, in fact it will cause even more drama (or wait till you guys are married) Your guy has some issues that he needs to resolve long before you two tie the knot. He can't stand u pto his father, and that is going to cause many issues for you in the future and you are going to quickly find that this isn't a situation that you want to be in. Its time for him to make a mature choice in this, and until then you honestly can't move on or even plan a wedding with him in the dark cause he will find out sooner or later Link to post Share on other sites
Author motoxstar Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thank you for all your advice and for reading this! Your time means a lot to me. Hopefully this situation will get sorted out ASAP, but I will update ya'll soon. I appreciate everything. Link to post Share on other sites
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