chicagocathryn Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Hi. This is my first post and am hoping that anyone out there could help me w/this frustrating situation. I have been dating a wonderful man for over two years. I am at the point in our relationship that I am ready to take it to the next step and get married. I truly love this man and believe that we would make great life partners together. He in turn, feels this way too but it has been very hard to get him to talk about getting married. He was engaged before and it ended badly. I have asked him if that is his reason for his resistance of proposing again and he assures me it's not. He is seeking the counsel of a therapist to work on issues which he says stems from family issues and making big decisions in his life. He has a difficult time articulating to me what that exactly means but all he can say is "getting married is a big decision and somehow this decision isn't coming naturally to me and I don't know why?" I begin to wonder if it's me that he doesn't want to marry or in fact the whole idea of making such a big decision really has him scared and stuck. I am having a hard time sitting with this and I have told him that we need to make some decisions here about the future of our relationship. Do I continue to wait and just be patient? And if so, for how long? Or is there something more really going on with him? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 i understand that your boyfriend told you that he was once engaged and got hurt by that. And its tough for some people to cope with it and move on. But its not fair for you to sit around and wonder when they time will come and see if he's ever going to propose. do you think thats fair for you? you put in 2 years of your time and life to be with this guy you need to ask him where you stand. i also was engaged before to a guy for 3 years you know why i ended it because he could not make a decsion on whether he wanted to get married or not so i ended it. my advice is talk to your boyfriend ask him where do you stand or where the relationship is going or if you 2 have a future together or not and if he say's no to everything then you have to follow your instincts and do whats right for you. i hope this helps a little. Link to post Share on other sites
sallyjavan Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 i understand that your boyfriend told you that he was once engaged and got hurt by that. And its tough for some people to cope with it and move on. But its not fair for you to sit around and wonder when they time will come and see if he's ever going to propose. do you think thats fair for you? you put in 2 years of your time and life to be with this guy you need to ask him where you stand. i also was engaged before to a guy for 3 years you know why i ended it because he could not make a decsion on whether he wanted to get married or not so i ended it. my advice is talk to your boyfriend ask him where do you stand or where the relationship is going or if you 2 have a future together or not and if he say's no to everything then you have to follow your instincts and do whats right for you. i hope this helps a little Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 But its not fair for you to sit around and wonder when they time will come and see if he's ever going to propose. do you think thats fair for you? you put in 2 years of your time and life to be with this guy you need to ask him where you stand. This concept is flawed. No one has "wasted" their time if one person isn't 100% ready to make a decision that will affect the rest of their life. You haven't "lost" anything. And if you can say, after spending 3 years with a person, that you were wronged because that person wasn't able to promise you forever, then maybe you chose the wrong person. To me, a relationship is about enjoying the person you're with. Its about making the "now" as good as it can be. A relationship is not successful because you marry. That's why we have a 60 some percent divorce rate. Its NOT the blissful, happily ever after. If either partner has concerns about marriage, then there's probably a damn good reason. Either there's enough differences that haven't been worked through, or underlying issues that need to be resolved before the person can feel comfortable making a promise of forever. Work through the problems, enjoy the person for who and what they are, and realize that marriage isn't going to magically make the problems go away. If you feel you have to "push" to get a guy to marry you, then work harder to resolve the problems in the relationship first. Don't just keep pushing harder. The OP's bf probably has a fear of abandonment. Yet you counsel that if he doesn't marry her then she should leave?? If the OP can't look back on the past 2 years, and feel happy that she spent those years with this man, then she shouldn't be with him. Wanting a forever commitment is fine... but do so for the right reasons. If any women can think that she lost part of her life if she doesn't get married... well, I think your priorities are wrong. My priority is to attempt to make my relationship the happiest and strongest it can be. NOT for marriage, but so that "we" can be the happiest we can be. His problems should be her problems, and if she believes he's the one for her for forever, then she should be in the thick of it slugging it out to help him with his problems. Not forcing him to conform to her way of thinking. Pressuring him to decide. Why would he want to get married to her if her response to a problem he's having is, "My way or I'm leaving." HELP him with his problems. You want marriage, then prove it! Make his problems as important to you as you make your own. Prove that you're in this relationship for better or worse. Otherwise you're saying things will be different because you promise they will be after the wedding ceremony. That you'll place his problems as high as your own... but there's no proof it will be because prior to marriage they weren't. All I'm saying is, if he's "the one", then why aren't his problems as important as her desires? Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 Wow Walk, that was well said and so true! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 If you want my opinion, ditch him and get some guy ANY guy with moolah to marry you. If you have the house and the kids and he makes you happy, fine. If not ditch him. In a divorce with kids involved you will get the house and alimony + child support. That means you are all set to find yourself your dream man while everything else is taken care of. Your ex gets what he deserves for wasting your time, after all you are raising his kids too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicagocathryn Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 Thanks to everyone that read my post and responded. I appreciate your thoughts and had different things to read from people which have given me some "food for thought". So, thanks and I will hang in! Link to post Share on other sites
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