Unhappy girl got herself into a mess

[VonDutch]

Ok, so here it goes.

 

Im 22, college student, living in my own appartment. I have no friends. I used to have a big group of girls when still in high school, but we all went to different uni's and lost touch. I am not living the college life: I am at home nearly ALL the time, no one phones me except my mother and my boyfriend. I have tried meeting girls at college, but after a while, things just fade out. I am lonely, feeling like Im missing out on something. I have no one to talk to AT all.

So, that was my first mess :-) Now the second one: Ive a boyfriend. He's great. We've been together for 9 months now. He has loads of friends, and we hang out with them a lot, but ofcourse, he needs his guys night out aswell, so then I dont come along, which Im fine with by the way. My boyfriend thinks Ive got girls to do stuff with. I am too embarresed to tell him Ive got no one. I make up stories about going shopping, or to the beach, or to the movies or a club, with a girlfriend, when in fact in at home being unhappy for having no life. I can not tell him about this. I think he would think Im a freak or something, for not having anyone to do anything with. He kept on insisting meeting some "friends". So I introduced him to some people I worked with on a school project. After the project, never heard from any of them again.

I just dont know how to get out of this rut. Ive tried everything: joing a sport I liked, getting a job and trying to socialize with coworkers, picking up a hobby, ANYTHING. But its just not working. Contact always fades and never becomes anything close to a friendship.

I guess I just needed a rant. I dont really know how to get out of this mess and all the lies Ive fed my boyfriend. Im so unhappy sitting alone night after night, my boyfriend being my WORLD. I dont let that on to him ofcourse, its not like im clingy or wanting to see him everyday. I give him space and thats probably why our relationship is still good. But how good can this relationship really be if Im too embarresed to tell him Ive got no friends.... Does anyone understand me?

[loveinlife]

I understand what you mean. It must be hard for you to go through this situation. Lying to your bf does not help much but creates a bigger and bigger hole for yourself. I know loneliness hurts bc I've been through that state. But I started hanging out with my cousins and met a lot of friends that way and through them I met even more. I hope you get better. Ever thought about joining a club? Take Care, let me know how things go for you.

[littlekitty]

Lots of people find it hard to make new friends. Especially girlfriends.. we can be b*tchy!

 

You are obviously putting yourself out there, and making a huge effort. It must be very frustrating that it's not working out.

 

You say contact fades out... how does that happen? Do you stop contacting them, or do you find they stop returning calls or something? The only thing I can think to do is to try to look at how the friendships develop and then deteriorate and try to pin point what is going wrong? Although you are bound to find that sometimes things just fade and die a natural death. And sometime it will be hard to move a friendship past colleague/associate to good friend.

 

I also don't think lying to your bf is the way to go, although I can understand your embarrassment at your situation, it's really nothing to be ashamed of. My best friend moved to France last year, and I now don't really have any gf's to hang out with much myself. There are a few people I catch up with if I want to, but no-one close. But I'm happy with that. I think if he cares about you, it won't matter to him. But the lying might....

[ReluctantRomeo]

You're definitely not alone - the latest research suggests that in today's American your experience is more common than your boyfriend's. Busyness and mobility can take a huge toll on friendships.

 

I don't think it's healthy though - especially the bit about lying to your bf. I definitely agree that you should try and work out what's going wrong with friendships. You should enlist your bf too, since he seems to be good at making friends - a tactful way to bring him up to speed would be to say that recently your friendships have pretty much faded out...

[Angel291]

You are so not alone! Trust me, you are not.

 

When I was in undergraduate school, I broke up with my boyfriend and three of my girl friends got married and moved away (I was not that close to them though) and I really had no one. I moved into this apartment all by myself, with just my dog, and for the first 2 months I was so depressed. I felt so alone. But then after some time passed I just got used to it...and I was happy! I spent my time as I wanted, never had to deal with other peoples issues...I started praying and getting closer to God. It was so peaceful. There are times when I long for those days, when I was so content!

 

I know other people who are the same. My moms friend has a daughter who is 26 and just got married. Has no friends either. My best friend makes friends so easy, but never wants to hang out with anyone so people give up on her yet she lives with her boyfriend and they do everything together. She tells people, "I just like to hang out with whoever I am living with." And it is true! She just likes to have her man and that is it.

 

Sometimes I used to think I missed out on stuff, but then I think to myself, what did I miss out on? Getting drunk and sleeping with some guy I never wanted to sleep with at some annoying college party? My friend who "never missed out" on doing stuff told me she feels "90 inside" and "dead". Hey, you dont have to answer to anyone! You can be your own person without social pressure to fit into some mold! Live it up! Find your unique inner you. You dont have to hear that what you like or dislike is not "cool" or whatever. You can be your own best friend!

 

But do stop lying to your boyfriend. Tell him the truth - that you had friends but they moved away. You could tell him you are an independent woman - that you value good friends and good people, quality over quantity, that you would rather be alone than just have a superficial friend to just pal around with. Tell him you pick your friends very carefully, because you would rather have a TRUE friend for life, and those are hard to find! He ought to respect that, and see that you are all about meaningful relationships. It should show him that you are not like other girls, who need a group of girls to be happy with themselves.

 

But please stop lying to him! Good luck :-)

[norajane]

I went through a period a few years after college when ALL my girlfriends got married, moved to the suburbs, and started having kids

 

I felt very lonely, too, but I did have some very close gay male friends who were always lots of fun, cared very much about me, and didn't even consider the suburbs - they are still my closest friends today.

 

Maybe you could expand your potential circle of friends...I'm not saying you should find some gay friends, but be open to people who aren't in your usual sphere. You're obviously not clicking with the ones who are in your immediate world, so try to expand your world. Volunteer to work at an art museum, or for the drama club, or at the animal shelter, or habitat for humanity/cleaning up the neighborhood type groups.

 

You're in college, so maybe you could explore some groups you wouldn't normally consider, like student government, or the school radio station, or an ethnic dance group, or belly dancing, or badminton, or a book club or an investment club, or photography or independent films clubs.

 

The world is a big beautiful place to explore - even if you have to do it alone, it's better to be out hiking or the gym or riding your bike than just sitting in your apartment. It's ok to tell your boyfriend you went out shopping alone, or for a walk through the botannical gardens by yourself. Lying to him about your world, though, is presenting yourself to be someone whom you aren't...and, ultimately, you can't keep it up anyway.

 

Good luck, sweets.

[VonDutch]

Oh everyone has been so kind, thank you so much for reaching out. I actually feel better now :-) I do enjoy being on my own most of the times, its just that when I go out (shopping, or beach, whatever) and see girlfriends together having fun, or when Im out dancing in the club with my boyfriend and his friends, and see how much fun they have together, I get a bit sad :-( But everyone's right, I should stop lying to him. I;ve decided he should like me for ME, regardless if I have friends or not. He's a very sociable person, his group of friends is around 12 men (and they are extremely close) so I fear he might not understand. But, Im just going to break it slowly, stop saying I did this and that with someone, and start saying it was just me by myself :-)

 

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to respond and letting me know I am not alone. You're great and I wish you all the best

 

VD

[Fast]

If I were you and I wanted to make friends I would just invite random girls from your classes to lunch and to go out shopping with you and before you know it they’ll just be friends. I know it sounds over simplistic but maybe what your forgetting is that in the beginning things always feel awkward, that’s why you can take the power into your hands and just invite people over. And if some one invites you to something you should probably just go even if its something you don’t think you’d like doing. As far as your bf goes just stop lying to him, and you probably don’t need to have a big coming clean of I didn’t have friends its no big deal it would just be a pain to explain.