Did you fall out of love? How did you know?

[DolphinGirl]

Fellow loveshackers - Have you ever been in a long-term relationship and fallen out of love? Not because of anything the other person did but just over time you felt you changed and something just didn't fit like anymore? What did it feel like? How did you know? Did you try to fix it or just move on? Do you believe you should leave someone even if you still love them, though not in the same way you used to? If yes, how did you do it and how did you deal with your guilt over it?

 

As you might guess, I think I may be going through this (after 7.5 years) but I don't know if it's really falling out of love or maybe just what happens after so long. I have nothing to measure it against as my previous "long-term" relationships were 4 months at most. I do love him and care about him but I wonder if I'm still "in love." We've been together since I was 18, he 21.

 

Still part of me thinks, this is selfish and childish - I have a comfortable life, we get along, he loves me incredibly much, etc., etc., why would I throw that away? It's just, there are times I think I could walk away and be fine and, yes, it would suck and be difficult in the short term, but might be better off in the end. I don't even know why I say that - just a sense I feel sometimes. (not all the time) But then I think that's crazy.

 

Someone once said advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer...don't know if that's the case here or not but would love to hear any thoughts on this. Please share!!

[BareGoddess]

I was just talking about this on another thread. Did you see it? It was started by Buttafly. I forget the title but it was something about what it takes to have a good marriage.

 

You married so young. I think it's natural to feel as you do.

 

Anyway, my thoughts on it are on that thread if you care to look.

[stillhere]

This happened to me, and i walked away from the marriage. Things seemed to get worse by the day for me. When i told him to leave, i didn't shed a single tear, and still have not to this day, and it's been 6 months.

 

Think about it before you jump to leave. Can you imagine him not being in your life? Are you just bored at the moment? Try to spice things up, do things you used to do when you first got together, but no longer do.

 

I think you know you're own answer, like you said, but that doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be. If you still love him, do your best to make it work. After all, you may just be going through a midlife crisis a little (ok a lot) early!!!

[alphamale]

Still part of me thinks, this is selfish and childish - I have a comfortable life, we get along, he loves me incredibly much, etc., etc., why would I throw that away? It's just, there are times I think I could walk away and be fine and, yes, it would suck and be difficult in the short term, but might be better off in the end.

Take a total break from the relationships for a few months and see how you feel. That will tell all.

[norajane]

Been there, done that, and yes, you can fall back in love.

 

In love: oooo, he's soooo wonderful, unlike anyone else!

 

Out of in love: eh, he's human, just like everyone else.

 

You can fall back in love by focusing on the qualities he possesses that you fell in love with in the first place, the things you admired about him, the things that attracted you to him, the things that made him special to you. Pay attention and actively notice those things - he's still that guy.

 

You also need to do the things that you would do if you were in love, or used to do when you were in love...the touches and affection and focusing your undivided attention on each other when you are together, 'dating' again, teasing each other, flirting. Plan special evenings for the two of you, take the time for a long weekend away where you can focus on each other, do little things each day that make him feel like a million bucks...he'll reciprocate and you'll start feeling like a million bucks soon...

 

Good luck, sweets! The effort is worth it!!

[BareGoddess]

Great post Nora! I agree with everything you said.

 

It may be a little weird an unnatural at first, but you'll see it can and does work. Try it!

[Love2share]

You were too inexperienced (young) to truly know yourself when this relationship started. Right now, you've spent the majority of your 20's with this man. Have you two ever taken a break? If so, was it long enough for you to be by yourself?

 

I think people make mistakes by committing to relationships before they have a chance to know themselves individually. We shouldn't expect anyone else to live with us if we can't live with ourselves.

 

As we mature, our opinions and feelings change. When you truly love someone, you never stop loving them without valid reasons. From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you've stopped loving your boyfriend. You just need to explore your individuality. This stage in your life is bound to happen at some point. It's different for everyone. But he will experience it too.

 

I agree with the other posters that a break from this relationship is neccesary. You both need to discuss the terms. There should be a reasonable time period. At the end of that period, a decision must be made. And the two of you should discuss the decision with complete clarity.