What is a ea?

[silentcharon]

I was wondering what an emotional affair is. How does a such thing happen and what kind of things happen to make it continue? Does having feelings for someone else make it an EA when you are already in a commited relationship?

[BareGoddess]

I was wondering what an emotional affair is. How does a such thing happen and what kind of things happen to make it continue? Does having feelings for someone else make it an EA when you are already in a commited relationship?

 

That's what they say. I consider it just fantasy though. But most people don't agree with me so don't go by me.

 

It can happen all manner of ways...at work, over the internet, etc. etc.

[girly456]

Girl I feel an ea is baaad news. It's one of those things when u become as obsessed with that person as u'r lover. Even when u think u'r just friends. U'r lover may start feeling like u'r spending to much time with this person. Talking about them to much. When u'r emotions r invested I think that can hurt more than them just having sex with them.

[stoopid_guy]

That's what they say. I consider it just fantasy though. But most people don't agree with me so don't go by me.

 

Have to agree. I think a relationship with a member of the opposite sex becomes an EA when your SO has a problem with it.

[norajane]

No, it's not just having feelings...that's a crush or infatuation or lust or fantasy or even just admiration.

 

An EA is sharing every kind of intimacy together without actually having sex. It often includes kisses and hand-holding and all the affectionate gestures. Sometimes not. Sometimes it's just sharing your secrets and lives but stopping just short of doing anything physical even though the desire to is strong in both of you. It's deeper intimacy than a friendship, and it includes a passion and hunger for each other physically that you don't act on fully, and that you don't have for anyone else but your lover.

[BareGoddess]

Funny, how everyone has their own definition of it.

[silentcharon]

No, it's not just having feelings...that's a crush or infatuation or lust or fantasy or even just admiration.

 

An EA is sharing every kind of intimacy together without actually having sex. It often includes kisses and hand-holding and all the affectionate gestures. Sometimes not. Sometimes it's just sharing your secrets and lives but stopping just short of doing anything physical even though the desire to is strong in both of you. It's deeper intimacy than a friendship, and it includes a passion and hunger for each other physically that you don't act on fully, and that you don't have for anyone else but your lover.

 

Thanks NJ and everyone else.

 

I had a friend who I was really close to when I was dating my ex. We really liked each other, and if it wasn't for my ex, I probably would have dated him. I had a real hard time trying to cope with the whole thing because I was deeply in love with my ex at the time. I think I probably had an EA with him to some extent, now I have a better idea of what ea's are.

 

I realized it probably was just infatuation and didn't go any further with my friend.

 

Funny thing is that me and my ex have been long broken up now, and my friend is still interested in me. I don't want to be more than friends with him now, so I believe I made a good choice.

 

Wouldn't holding hands and kissing make it also a PA? And is it possible for people to have EA's and not realize it?

[Trimmer]

The point is, there aren't specific, precise definitions. The generally accepted definition of a PA is "having sex" and an EA is emotional attachment up to but not including having sex. Exactly where the lines are drawn is not particularly important, I don't think - these are just terms we use to discuss these affairs, usually once we're damaged and in pain. You'll hear people describe "an EA with kissing and hand holding" or "a PA with just oral" or that kind of stuff. There's always more complexity to it than just "EA" or "PA". Or even "cheating" or "infidelity", on which you'll also get arguments about exactly what their definitions are.

 

In my mind, these terms are all just semantic waypoints on a continuous spectrum of "activity outside the marriage" (or other committed relationship.) They all have general definitions in the way we use them, but when it comes right down to it, it's actually not so important to try to define each one as some abstract box or rule or precise one-size-fits-all definition; the important thing is to have good enough communication and intimacy inside your relationship to talk about and agree where your boundaries are. That's what defines what is OK and what is not - for you. So I agree with stoopid_guy, in that a "situation" - whatever label you end up putting on it - becomes a problem in your relationship, if your SO would have a problem with it.

 

In my own definition, an outside friendship becomes a problem when (a) you want or need to hide elements of your behavior from your partner, and (b) when the interest and attraction between you and the outsider becomes known or communicated between you, and you don't take behavioral steps to back off immediately.

 

Note that for me, both parts are based on behaviors. I accept that feelings are something you can't necessarily control minute by minute, so I don't discredit someone for having fantasies, crushes, etc.... But behaviors you do control, and if you're a partner of mine, the minute you know you are "at risk" emotionally, and you execute an intentional behavior that puts you further in, or you fail to execute a behavior that "backs you off" from the risky situation, you have made a choice and crossed the line.

 

Your question about "how do they happen"? I believe one way is that you get into a situation where you have these feelings for someone outside the relationship, and if you haven't established behavioral boundaries, either within your relationship or just within your own value system, you can lie to yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong, that you are "just friends," as the water around the frog there in the skillet gets hotter and hotter. This process is greatly aided if you lack intimacy or have other problems within your primary relationship - you may actually feel like you are doing something that you deserve, because something is lacking elsewhere.

 

Pretty soon, you have fooled yourself for long enough, and slid so far down the slippery slope that you are "in so deep" and you have no choice but to hide things; and yet the outside attraction has become so strong that it is too painful to break.

 

Then, if it is discoverd, the denials first come out, followed by the "just friends" pseudo-denials, and ultimately if proof is presented, the excuse becomes "I don't know. It just happened."

 

Anyway, just like the definition of EA, there isn't one specific scenario that fits all - this just happens to be one that I am familiar with, by virtue of personal experience.

 

And is it possible for people to have EA's and not realize it?

That's a real interesting question - I kind of think that for an "A" to happen, there has to be some kind of exchange of intimacies between the participants. On "this" side of that vague dividing line are crushes and fantasies, where you don't share anything with the outsider. I think if you have an EA with someone - you cross the line and share intimacies that you wouldn't want your SO to know about - but you claim "not to realize it", then you are a pretty careless relationship partner, or you are fooling yourself. Again, it comes down to behaviors for me. Feelings may sneak up on you, but I expect my partner to be aware of her behaviors. I'm definitely stamping this discussion with my own experience, but I freely admit that I am very bitter at hearing the excuse "I don't know, it just happened." Feelings just happen, behaviors are choices.

[stoopid_guy]

Very true that the definition's fuzzy. A poster in another thread said "secrecy" was the key component.

 

If that's the case, I'm having an EA with loveshack.org.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I was wondering what an emotional affair is.

2. How does a such thing happen and what kind of things happen to make it continue?

3. Does having feelings for someone else make it an EA when you are already in a commited relationship?

 

1. An EA is the same as a regular affair, only without crossing the physical line. It is only a matter of time though. Emotional affairs either end or they escalate. What makes it an affair? Secrecy from your partner. When you take great pains to hide it just as you would as if you were sleeping with them.

 

2. Proximity, opportunity - a lot of times it isn't even intended to be an affair, just a friendship. Then you head down the slippery slope. You start hiding how much you need this person in your life. You get feelings for this person. They get feelings for you. Then you share your feelings with each other and express an interest in being together 'if it weren't for the partner'. So, you fool yourself into thinking that if you don't sleep together you are in the clear. You find yourself spending more and more time with the affair partner. You lock down your computer, you hide your cell phone. You find yourself saying and doing things with your affair partner that you wouldn't do if your SO was present. You share details that you know would hurt your partner if they knew you were sharing them. You hide it as stealthily as you would a physical affair because you don't want it to end.

 

3. Just having feelings doesn't make it an affair. Sharing those feelings mutually with another person, wanting to act on them and hiding them from the partners is what makes it an emotional affair.

[wonderingmind]

Another poster spoke about behaviors and I have to agree.

 

Such things happen because people allow themselves into a position/situation where the potential is there.