selfless love is just an illusion

[CarryingOn123]

I think if it was ME... I'd be angry too. I'd feel animosity toward the OM who supplanted me when I wasn't there to defend myself. I think it's natual for you to feel that way just now.

 

BUT.... I don't think you're going to feel that way later on down the pike. Six months from now, who knows how you'll be feeling.

 

What if I don’t feel differently in 6 months, then do I give it another 6 months, and then another?. We can only react to how we feel now and also a calculated guess on how we will feel later. Don’t you agree?

 

You said earlier in the thread that you had a religious problem with abortion. That tells me you're a spiritual person. Have you talked to your pastor about any of this?

(I can't remember without reviewing your thread, so forgive me if you've already said... but I'm too beat to look tonight. )

 

If not, why not set up an appointment? Your trauma counselor will certainly be good for asking you things like..."How do YOU feel about it?", but your pastor might actually have some insight to help you soothe your spirit.

 

It was not a pure religious problem, it was a moral problem. I consider myself a strong catholic. But I don’t follow the church’s teachings blindly. For instance I don’t believe in the church’s stand on contraception, etc, and I choose not to follow those teachings. I had an eye opening experience with a video that I saw- it was a video made by a doctor with a micro camera inside the womb to picture the reaction of the fetus at the time of the abortion. I saw things in a new light after that.

 

I haven’t spoken to my parish priest yet. The priest that I know is not here. He has gone on a long leave (they can take of for 6 months every 10 years). He is scheduled to be back in around 2 months. The replacement priest is not someone that I know personally, and somehow I never felt like talking to him- as he is a stranger to me.

[CarryingOn123]

Well, it's a start - Why not tell her exactly that? You don't know what to say to her, or how to feel about her.

 

Just seems you need more time. All this is still new and you're on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're talking to your therapist again CO123.

 

Thanks for your wishes WWIU.

 

 

Well, I think- doing that is like giving her control- I am not altogether comfortable with it; how do I put htis- I dont see her as part of the team anymore, I see her a player for a rival team. I am always on my guard around her, so giving her control, may not be an option.

 

 

I spoke to her and told her that we can talk soon, but I will call her and schedule. I honestly don’t want to go there without an agenda or plan. What do I ask her, What do I say, how do I say it. I am so confused about it. Sometimes I want to tear her down; sometimes I am more resigned, saying “what is the point”. That is some place I am really having trouble with. Any advice/ shared experience would be really helpful.

[Outcast]

We can only react to how we feel now and also a calculated guess on how we will feel later. Don’t you agree?

\

 

No. People who have undergone traumatic incidents like a death in the family are counselled to avoid making major decisions for a long while. For instance, right after someone dies, a spouse may have the urge to sell the house, move, and give alway all the spouse's possessions only to regret having nothing of the spouse left once they have begun to recover from the trauma.

 

Strong emotions can affect one's judgement negatively which is why it's best to work through them (with a professional if possible) prior to making major decisions.

[Sup]

Well maybe that would work if she had actually fallen for him but since she dropped him and is saying she never stopped loving you, I doubt you'd have a case.

 

 

You forgot about that video tape HUH?

[CarryingOn123]

\

 

No. People who have undergone traumatic incidents like a death in the family are counselled to avoid making major decisions for a long while. For instance, right after someone dies, a spouse may have the urge to sell the house, move, and give alway all the spouse's possessions only to regret having nothing of the spouse left once they have begun to recover from the trauma.

 

Strong emotions can affect one's judgement negatively which is why it's best to work through them (with a professional if possible) prior to making major decisions.

So should I hold off talking to her. will it be better if I talk to her later and not now.

[CarryingOn123]

You forgot about that video tape HUH?

Dont remind me...... How do you deal with all those graphic images in your head.

[CarryingOn123]

\

 

No. People who have undergone traumatic incidents like a death in the family are counselled to avoid making major decisions for a long while. For instance, right after someone dies, a spouse may have the urge to sell the house, move, and give alway all the spouse's possessions only to regret having nothing of the spouse left once they have begun to recover from the trauma.

 

Strong emotions can affect one's judgement negatively which is why it's best to work through them (with a professional if possible) prior to making major decisions.

You see how I am in a catch 22 situation.

 

When I wanted to push things out of my head and move on, I was told I was avoiding the problem. Now when I am trying to confront the problem and trying to deal with it, I am being told its too soon.

[Outcast]

It's fine to talk to her - just don't make decisions. There's no need to 'confront'. Consider each discussion 'information-gathering'. Take in what you hear, see, and feel and then ponder it at length and when you're alone and have time to ruminate. Often we want to end discomfort and having to think about things and so we rush to make a decision and 'make it go away' - which might be ok when shopping for sneakers but not so much when you're making life decisions.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your wishes WWIU.

 

 

Well, I think- doing that is like giving her control- I am not altogether comfortable with it; how do I put htis- I dont see her as part of the team anymore, I see her a player for a rival team. I am always on my guard around her, so giving her control, may not be an option.

 

 

I spoke to her and told her that we can talk soon, but I will call her and schedule. I honestly don’t want to go there without an agenda or plan. What do I ask her, What do I say, how do I say it. I am so confused about it. Sometimes I want to tear her down; sometimes I am more resigned, saying “what is the point”. That is some place I am really having trouble with. Any advice/ shared experience would be really helpful.

 

Actually by taking control and telling her that you are not ready to talk because you don't know what to say to her IS giving you the control, not her. And you should be on guard around her, the trust isn't there anymore.

 

I wish I could give you more advice on that, but to be honest, I wouldn't know how to build that trust up again...All things considering...

 

For now, focus on your recovery, connect with your family and close friends. You need alot of good and positive support, you don't need to deal with choices, decisions and having to talk to her if you're not ready. She has to deal with her own issues too, before she can really be open and honest with you too - That's a two way street. I'm sure she's filled with guilt and feels awful for what she's done to you....

 

Later on it might be a good idea to write her a long letter, with everything going on inside you, but not right now.

[whichwayisup]

You see how I am in a catch 22 situation.

 

When I wanted to push things out of my head and move on, I was told I was avoiding the problem. Now when I am trying to confront the problem and trying to deal with it, I am being told its too soon.

 

You just have to do this all by doing baby steps...DO what feels right when you feel it in your gut.

[CarryingOn123]

You just have to do this all by doing baby steps...DO what feels right when you feel it in your gut.

 

 

I think if it was ME... I'd be angry too. I'd feel animosity toward the OM who supplanted me when I wasn't there to defend myself. I think it's natual for you to feel that way just now.

 

BUT.... I don't think you're going to feel that way later on down the pike. Six months from now, who knows how you'll be feeling.

.

 

You see that I am getting opposite advices.

[CarryingOn123]

Actually by taking control and telling her that you are not ready to talk because you don't know what to say to her IS giving you the control, not her. And you should be on guard around her, the trust isn't there anymore.

 

I wish I could give you more advice on that, but to be honest, I wouldn't know how to build that trust up again...All things considering...

 

For now, focus on your recovery, connect with your family and close friends. You need alot of good and positive support, you don't need to deal with choices, decisions and having to talk to her if you're not ready. She has to deal with her own issues too, before she can really be open and honest with you too - That's a two way street. I'm sure she's filled with guilt and feels awful for what she's done to you....

 

Later on it might be a good idea to write her a long letter, with everything going on inside you, but not right now.

 

Thanks WWIU,

 

First- IS it necessary to build up trust. If it happens, good. But why should we see that as a goal and work towards that.

 

Second- I need to tell her about the suit that I am planning to bring against her boyfriend. There is apparently some statute of limitations for it, so I cant put it off.

 

 

I was speaking to D on the phone, and she is coming for her weekly visit today. When I spoke to her I told her that I needed to talk to her about all this and needed her advice on how to handle all this. and she told me that she didn't want to dvice me on this topic. She was hesitant to talk to me about it, but when I pressured her she told me that my wife had called her.

 

It was soon after I came back from the resort and D had gone back to her place. My wife called D and was angry at her. She asked D to stay away, saying that D's presence undermines her efforts to reconcile with me. D was very firm with her, she said that it is not my wife's decision but mine, whether I want to spend time with her. She told my wife that if she (D)thought that it was counterproductive then she would withdraw herself, but that till then she wasn't taking orders from my wife.

 

My wife accused her of trying to move in on me when she got a chance. D replied that she hadn't tried anything so far, and would never do something while I was vulnerable. But, she said that since she had loved me a lot at one time, and since she loved me now also at some level, that if I wanted to pursue something then she wouldnt say no. She was hesitant to tell me the last part, but only told me when I kept on asking her about the conversation.

 

When I asked her if that is how she felt, she told me not to worry about it now, but concentrate on getting better and dealing with all issues and we would talk about it when I am more ready. She firmly changed topics after that.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I would be very careful about D. It's good she's a friend but to come out of the wood works like this and be the "one" who is your confident is abit dangerous. You need to rely on your family abit more... I'm not saying D's motives are bad, ofcourse she cares about you - But, she has emotional invested interest in you, which she could lose IF you chose to patch things up with your wife...I understand how threatened your wife feels, I'm sure it's killing her and she may feel that D has alot of influence over you. That's all.

 

Just be careful, k.

D replied that she hadn't tried anything so far, and would never do something while I was vulnerable. But, she said that since she had loved me a lot at one time, and since she loved me now also at some level, that if I wanted to pursue something then she wouldnt say no.

[jonesgirly]

How do YOU feel about D?

[CarryingOn123]

Yeah, I would be very careful about D. It's good she's a friend but to come out of the wood works like this and be the "one" who is your confident is abit dangerous.

 

She wasn't in the wood works. She was a very good friend all along after she had returned from overseas. So it is not that she has turned up suddenly.

 

You need to rely on your family abit more...

 

I am doing that, a lot. I rely on my family more, I dont rely on D for anything more than a friend. She lives a couple of hours away, and only drives down once every week to spend the day and goes back by afternoon the next day.

 

 

I'm not saying D's motives are bad, ofcourse she cares about you - But, she has emotional invested interest in you, which she could lose IF you chose to patch things up with your wife...I understand how threatened your wife feels, I'm sure it's killing her and she may feel that D has alot of influence over you. That's all.

 

 

D has never tried to manipulate me. Of course she cares about me, but she has never tried to take advantage of me. She has been completley open with me. She says what she feels, and she does what she says she will. She is like an open book to me. I know that if I decide to patch things with my wife, she will be happy for me- if she thought that it will be good for me, irrespective of her feelings about me.

 

I understand what you said about my wife, and I dont feel angry at her for calling D, and neither does D. D didn't get angry at my wife- she was just firm with her.

 

 

 

I understand how threatened your wife feels, I'm sure it's killing her and she may feel that D has alot of influence over you. That's all.

 

She has never tried to influence me about my wife. The few times, I have said something to her regarding it, she has merely listened and not offered any advice or made any statements. We normaly talk about other stuff, or just hang out. Even this time, when I specifically asked her for advice, she refused (thats when she told me about the call and stuff). She could have very well tried to influence me, but she didn't but on the contrary she was open to me and told me what she felt as well. She wouldn't try to manipulate me- she is not that kind of person, I've known her for a long, long time.

 

Just be careful, k.

 

Will do, Thanks. BTW I am always careful these days

 

How do YOU feel about D?

 

I trust her, I am very comfortable with her, I find her company refreshing.

[whichwayisup]

CO123, I have to commend you once again for posting here. This must be so hard for you at the best of times and you always take the time to answer everybody's questions, thoughts or concerns. This says alot about who you are!

 

You've made alot of progress in so many ways, so no matter what the outcome of your situation is, you're going to be OK. You're a strong guy yet you show so much of your inner self to us too. I respect that and I like how honest you are.

 

[CarryingOn123]

CO123, I have to commend you once again for posting here. This must be so hard for you at the best of times and you always take the time to answer everybody's questions, thoughts or concerns. This says alot about who you are!

 

You've made alot of progress in so many ways, so no matter what the outcome of your situation is, you're going to be OK. You're a strong guy yet you show so much of your inner self to us too. I respect that and I like how honest you are.

 

Thanks a lot for your kind words WWIU,

 

You make me out to be a lot better than how I am. :-)

[jonesgirly]

CO123, I have to commend you once again for posting here

Plus, he writes very well, and is an interesting read.

 

Your wife must really want to rekindle your relationship if she's trying to 'fight off the dogs'.

 

It sounds like "D" makes a great friend for you, but your wife is your true love.

[CarryingOn123]

It sounds like "D" makes a great friend for you, but your wife is your true love.

 

Why do you say that? It is a depressing thought to think your true love will do this to you. To think that you are worth only that much to your true love. I was comforting myself with the thought that I have yet to find my true love

[whichwayisup]

Thanks a lot for your kind words WWIU,

 

You make me out to be a lot better than how I am. :-)

 

Yeah you probably snore!

 

It's how you come across through your words, jonesygirl is right.

[CarryingOn123]

Yeah you probably snore!

 

 

..........

[Ladyjane14]

I think if it was ME... I'd be angry too. I'd feel animosity toward the OM who supplanted me when I wasn't there to defend myself. I think it's natual for you to feel that way just now.

 

BUT.... I don't think you're going to feel that way later on down the pike. Six months from now, who knows how you'll be feeling.

 

 

I think there's a difference between feeling anger and acting on it. There's nothing motivating you here save anger and revenge. This guy didn't TAKE anything that wasn't freely given to him.

 

BELIEVE ME.... I'm like the last person posting at LS who's going to side with an OP on this issue. I think it's morally reprehensible to DELIBERATELY interfere with someone else's marriage. So really, I'm not concerned about protecting the OM here. He's not the one seeking opinion. You are.

 

And IMHO, I don't see any point whatsoever in suing this guy. Your wife GAVE him what he took. That's where your attention needs to be. She might have been upset and even somewhat vulnerable at the time.... but unless she qualifies for The Special Olympics, she had a CHOICE in her previous behavior.

 

Allowing your anger loose on the OM might make you feel a little less like a victim, at least for awhile. But it's not going to solve your problems.

[jonesgirly]

Why do you say that? It is a depressing thought to think your true love will do this to you. To think that you are worth only that much to your true love. I was comforting myself with the thought that I have yet to find my true love

 

Because you're not 'exploring' a relationship with D and you don't speak of her in that 'way'.

 

You're tortured over the treatment that you received from your wife (aka 'true love'), and its extraordinarily understandable. SHE is the only that you're truly torn-up over.

 

You're expending energy on 'revenge' towards the OM. I personally wouldn't waste my time, and in the 'end' it doesn't matter if you make him squirm or not. You may hit him financially, but I doubt that it will make you feel any better about things. Maybe for a just a 'moment', but reality will come crashing back.

 

I remember reading your beginning posts and just 'knowing' that you two considered each other 'soulmates', and I know that feeling very well.

 

I think its a positive thing, when hurtful things happen in this type of relationship, that the parties really start to 'see' all of the illusions that were destroyed when icky things happen. Its a serious biatch to 'see' things clearly, but allows for moving forward.

 

I don't know if you and your wife will reconcile. SHE got to live through the decision/choice-making process, while your were pretty much 'left behind.' I just don't know how someone could ever get over that.

[whichwayisup]

..........

 

Exactly! I'm glad you laughed, that was the whole point.

[CarryingOn123]

I think there's a difference between feeling anger and acting on it. There's nothing motivating you here save anger and revenge. This guy didn't TAKE anything that wasn't freely given to him.

.

 

You are right on the motives part, but I diasgree with the part that I have quoted in bold. He did pursue my wife and manipulated situations to get my wife for a long time before she also went in for it. It was not she who pursuing him, but the other way around

 

IAnd IMHO, I don't see any point whatsoever in suing this guy. Your wife GAVE him what he took. That's where your attention needs to be. She might have been upset and even somewhat vulnerable at the time.... but unless she qualifies for The Special Olympics, she had a CHOICE in her previous behavior.

 

 

Of course she is equally responsible, and maybe even more. But it douesn't make him an unknowing participant in all this. I see him as a snake.

 

 

Allowing your anger loose on the OM might make you feel a little less like a victim, at least for awhile. But it's not going to solve your problems.

 

It need not solve my problems, but at least it wont make it any worse.