selfless love is just an illusion

[CarryingOn123]

Even though I have explained it a lot of times, I still feel some of us are running around in circles about issues of forgiveness. So let me try and explain in more detail my feelings……..

 

Do you guys feel that we are a lot more tolerant to people that we are not close to? We shrug off their behaviour or characteristics as “their life”. We are more tolerant of our friends than with our family. We do that because we can shrug and walk away. We don’t have to live with it 24/7. Our standards and expectations are a lot more about people we chose to take into our inner/intimate circle.

 

I am in the same predicament. As long as I see my wife as just another person detached from me, I am Ok with what she did, and I don’t wish her harm, and I don’t harbor resentment etc. But- if I start seeing her as part of my intimate circle, then it is a whole different story. In that case the standards and expectations go up and she doesn’t meet it.

 

W.r.to my old GF,I am indifferent to her, I do not waste any time resenting her or hating her- True that I have a very low opinion of her, but that is not the same thing is it?. I see it as a lesson learned in life. It is almost like learning to check for fuel before going for a drive, if you’ve been previously stranded because you’ve run out of petrol.

[CarryingOn123]

I don’t think my wife (it feels strange still calling her my wife, anyway…..), is posting here. When I spoke to her to tell her that we can meet soon, she asked me if I was ok, etc, and I also asked her if she was fine. Then she told me that she was not calling me because I wanted her to give me space, to which I asked her if she had been reading this. She said she did read it once initially, but her counselor advised her against it, apparently the counselor told her that I will be going through a range of emotions which may not be permanent and it would not be advisable for her to go on that roller coaster for no reason. She was advised to wait for me to be ready to talk rather than follow my journey to that state….. Anyway, that’s what she told me, and so I don’t think she is reading this thread anymore.

[Adora]

CO123, your story is very deep. It has taken me two days to read through this thread slow reader, perhaps!

 

I want to first and foremost commend you on remaining strong throughout this entire ordeal. You are holding up very well under the circumstances. I don't think I would be if I were in your place.

 

I wanted to comment on one issue that stands out to me of which I haven't really seen talked about, in this aspect at least. The very first post you made:

 

We were getting settled into life and had talked with excitement of having a child (making a baby, as we called it).

 

The reason this stands out to me is because she is with child now. You both, before your accident, spoke about starting a family together. I do not doubt that had she not been pregnant right now, she would not have had any further relations (emotionally - not physically) with this guy. I know that has already been expressed in this thread, but I felt further noting was important.

 

Her relationship with him was physical. She had no feelings for him on any other level other than, well, as someone noted earlier, a friend w/ benefits. Heres a twist to this point I am trying to come across and seeing if it holds any merit in this situation: How was your sex life before the accident? (If you don't mind discussing - if too personal then please forgive me for intruding).

 

Now, the reason I ask is because some people can not go for long without, well, doing the deed so-to-speak. I am, trust me, in now way saying that if she was sex craved that it was a good enough excuse to act unfaithful towards you, just stating that it could be something that she couldn't hold out on any longer.

 

You were out for 17 months, some say it is a short period, some say it is a long time.. really, it depends on the person and their comfort zone. Love SHOULD conquer all... so time in all essence should never be a factor. But, when lustful thoughts penetrate the mind, it is hard for some (who have weak spirits) to ellude those thoughts and to not act on them. Basically, I believe your wife to have a weak spirit. She allowed temptation to take control. Was this right? Not at all.

 

To get back to the point of your quote above and her now having a child on the horizon.. She wanted children, because you both spoke of this before the accident. She didn't go out with this guy in order to become pregnant - it was an accident (careless - but still an accident) .. I really think her train of thought was - she felt she already lost you (even tho you were still there - at the same time you weren't completely {meaning; able to cater to her everyday needs - including but not limiting to intimancy}) .. So, she finally buckled and let the OM have what he wanted, her. (I apologise for going in circles - lots of thoughts, trying to word the best way). She became pregnant. Big oops. She doesn't love this guy. She is only with him for the sex (as harsh as this sounds). But.. she wanted to have children.. she sees that her H is still not responding, not waking up, still lying there immobile; lifeless (in her eyes). What should she do? She ponders, thinks the best thing is to 'try to love this OM and raise this child' - she tries to move on with her life.. not knowing that you would awake soon after.

 

What I am getting at.. People deal with tradegy differently. I do not know one person who handles trauma the same. IMO - I recall someone, it may have been you, mentioning that had you been paralyzed, or somewhat crippled in any form, would she have gone out and done the same thing? Honestly, I do not believe so.. I believe that when she seen you lying there, unresponsive for all of those months, she was already mourning you as if you were already (sorry to say) dead. You weren't able to hear her, speak to her, touch her, feel her touch, smell her, talk to her.. nothing. She felt nothingness when she seen you. I bet she was scared -not only about your condition and what was going on in that room, but scared of what her future would be like now without you by her side. Some people prepare sooner than others.. some even after death carry on as if their loved one is still living.. everyone deals differently. The doctor told your family that they weren't sure when you'd come to .. did they make it abunduntly clear that eventually, indeed, you would? I know unless I hear fact, my mind will wander, and I will start to annalyze and put things in place myself - even if I am in the wrong.

 

With everything I have said here, granted my wording isn't the best - I do NOT condone her actions. Instead, I am trying to look through her eyes, feel through her heart - understand what SHE was going through during that time. I do not for a second question that she loved you more than anything in the world and I believe that she still does.. her actions just were not the right ones obviously, and it will take you both a long time to heal (whether it be together - or separate).

 

I wish you the best; both of you.

[Roo]

I don’t think my wife (it feels strange still calling her my wife, anyway…..), is posting here. When I spoke to her to tell her that we can meet soon, she asked me if I was ok, etc, and I also asked her if she was fine. Then she told me that she was not calling me because I wanted her to give me space, to which I asked her if she had been reading this. She said she did read it once initially, but her counselor advised her against it, apparently the counselor told her that I will be going through a range of emotions which may not be permanent and it would not be advisable for her to go on that roller coaster for no reason. She was advised to wait for me to be ready to talk rather than follow my journey to that state….. Anyway, that’s what she told me, and so I don’t think she is reading this thread anymore.

 

 

I actually think that was very wise advice of her counselor - and I think it shows her respect for the enormity and gravity of this situation, as well as a testament to her true feelings of love for you that she's given you the space you asked for.

 

Hope you are doing well today CO123 I think of you daily and hope that your peace is coming.

 

I actually think what you said above about the indifference makes perfect sense I think what people here are trying to say is that you will not REALLY have forgiven her until you are able to let her back into your heart and forgive her, perhaps you will not end up together but the REAL TRUE forgiveness that people speak of is at some point going to be necessary for you to really be past this either way. But take your time you have till whenever you are ready to get there... ((HUGS))

[Guest]

Nymphomania is considered a condition.

 

But honestly, how many of us will accept our spouses running around with other people.

[CarryingOn123]

We were getting settled into life and had talked with excitement of having a child (making a baby, as we called it)

The reason this stands out to me is because she is with child now. You both, before your accident, spoke about starting a family together. I do not doubt that had she not been pregnant right now, she would not have had any further relations (emotionally - not physically) with this guy. I know that has already been expressed in this thread, but I felt further noting was important

 

.....................................................

 

To get back to the point of your quote above and her now having a child on the horizon.. She wanted children, because you both spoke of this before the accident. She didn't go out with this guy in order to become pregnant - it was an accident (careless - but still an accident) ..

.............................

So, she finally buckled and let the OM have what he wanted, her. (I apologise for going in circles - lots of thoughts, trying to word the best way). She became pregnant. Big oops. She doesn't love this guy. She is only with him for the sex (as harsh as this sounds). But.. she wanted to have children.. she sees that her H is still not responding, not waking up, still lying there immobile; lifeless (in her eyes). What should she do? She ponders, thinks the best thing is to 'try to love this OM and raise this child' - she tries to move on with her life..

 

Your point about the baby being an issue is quite right. It is not the only factor, but most definitely the tipping factor on the scale. You also said how she feels about the baby based on what we had planned earlier. But how do I feel because of that.

 

I wanted to share the journey of making children with my wife. Now her first baby has nothing to do with me, she is making that journey with some other man.

 

If she carries her baby to term.... she's going to love that child just the same as any other mother would. There will come a point when she won't care who the biological father is. Once she bonds with her baby.... she won't want to change a hair on his/her head.

 

She wont care who the biological father is, why should she, it is her baby after all, only I will care- at all of life's important moments.

 

 

You might not have to. You may even be the legal presumptive father of your wife's unborn child. It's quite possible that if you and she decided that you would accept and rear the child, that the biofather could be legally denied any parental rights. He may also be willing to give up his rights voluntarily, if that is what you wish. Clearly that is a question that would need legal advice and lots of thinking through. I would not expect you to accept him in any role in your life or, if you stay together, your wife's life.

 

Not possible. He is the biological father and his rights cannot be taken away from him. Hypothetically, even if it can be done, can we really keep him away. Wont the child have to be told at some point, and then wont the child want to get in touch with him. wont the child resent me then for keeping the biological father away from the child... Moreover there is my feelings to the child too. I am not sure I wont resent the child for what he/she represents. Even if I wont resent it, I think I'll be biased when I have my own children. I dont think I'll love both equally. Other dreams are broken too. I wanted to share the journey of making children with my wife. Now her first baby has nothing to do with me, she is making that journey with some other man.

 

One thing I am sure of I cannot accept her as my wife with another man's baby. The second thing is I'n not sure I can accept her even without the baby. That is the reason why I asked her to move on.

[CarryingOn123]

Nymphomania is considered a condition.

 

But honestly, how many of us will accept our spouses running around with other people.

You might have a carer's feelings, but spously feelings.......

 

Maybe you're just not used to the idea of being married to someone towards whom your feelings are so unhusbandly.

 

I really dont want to get used to it. I believe I should feel husbandly to my wife (wife is used as a generic term her, and not referring to her)

[CarryingOn123]

The doctor told your family that they weren't sure when you'd come to .. did they make it abunduntly clear that eventually, indeed, you would? I know unless I hear fact, my mind will wander, and I will start to annalyze and put things in place myself - even if I am in the wrong.

 

No doctor will try and predict that.... for the simple reason that they cant.

[Roo]

CO123,

 

So...

If Im following you here... it seems at this point yu are pretty sure what you want to do about it...

 

what CAN we help you with?? (or is this still helping you?)

[CarryingOn123]

How was your sex life before the accident? (If you don't mind discussing - if too personal then please forgive me for intruding).

 

It was great, we couldn't stop jumping each other.

 

Her relationship with him was physical. She had no feelings for him on any other level other than, well, as someone noted earlier, a friend w/ benefits. Heres a twist to this point I am trying to come across and seeing if it holds any merit in this situation: How was your sex life before the accident? (If you don't mind discussing - if too personal then please forgive me for intruding).

Now, the reason I ask is because some people can not go for long without, well, doing the deed so-to-speak. I am, trust me, in now way saying that if she was sex craved that it was a good enough excuse to act unfaithful towards you, just stating that it could be something that she couldn't hold out on any longer.

You were out for 17 months, some say it is a short period, some say it is a long time.. really, it depends on the person and their comfort zone. Love SHOULD conquer all... so time in all essence should never be a factor. But, when lustful thoughts penetrate the mind, it is hard for some (who have weak spirits) to ellude those thoughts and to not act on them. Basically, I believe your wife to have a weak spirit. She allowed temptation to take control. Was this right? Not at all.

.........she felt she already lost you (even tho you were still there - at the same time you weren't completely {meaning; able to cater to her everyday needs - including but not limiting to intimancy}) .. So, she finally buckled and let the OM have what he wanted, her. (I apologise for going in circles - lots of thoughts, trying to word the best way). She became pregnant. Big oops. She doesn't love this guy. She is only with him for the sex (as harsh as this sounds).

What I am getting at.. People deal with tradegy differently. I do not know one person who handles trauma the same. IMO - I recall someone, it may have been you, mentioning that had you been paralyzed, or somewhat crippled in any form, would she have gone out and done the same thing? Honestly, I do not believe so.. I believe that when she seen you lying there, unresponsive for all of those months, she was already mourning you as if you were already (sorry to say) dead. You weren't able to hear her, speak to her, touch her, feel her touch, smell her, talk to her.. nothing. She felt nothingness when she seen you. I bet she was scared -not only about your condition and what was going on in that room, but scared of what her future would be like now without you by her side. Some people prepare sooner than others.. some even after death carry on as if their loved one is still living.. everyone deals differently. The doctor told your family that they weren't sure when you'd come to .. did they make it abunduntly clear that eventually, indeed, you would? I know unless I hear fact, my mind will wander, and I will start to annalyze and put things in place myself - even if I am in the wrong.

 

Does a friends with benefits arrangement make it any less painful or wrong. Is sex was more important to her than our relationship, it doesn't say much about her feelings towards the relationship does it?

 

She had a choice. He didn't have any choices in the matter.

 

She had choices, everyone has choices. We should accept responsibility for the choices that we make, and not try to duck away.

 

 

IMO - I recall someone, it may have been you, mentioning that had you been paralyzed, or somewhat crippled in any form, would she have gone out and done the same thing? Honestly, I do not believe so..

 

How can you say so, I would still not be meeting her needs, would I. You yourself have said that you thought she was with him for sex and only sex, then why would she not go this time when I am still not meeting her sexual needs.

 

When I first heard your story, I had a fair amount of sympathy for your wife, AND I found her behavior incomprehensible. A loving and faithful life partner could never do to you what she did. I felt there must be some secret key that would explain why she erased you out of her life so quickly. But no such key has come to light.

Like you, I find myself wondering - if you were to take her back, which I don't think is likely at this point - could you ever feel secure? What would happen if another major crisis occurs? Life and marriage are both full of speed bumps, unpleasant surprises, and really bad hands of cards on occasion.

 

Exactly... You are right on the money

[CarryingOn123]

I actually think what you said above about the indifference makes perfect sense I think what people here are trying to say is that you will not REALLY have forgiven her until you are able to let her back into your heart and forgive her, perhaps you will not end up together but the REAL TRUE forgiveness that people speak of is at some point going to be necessary for you to really be past this either way. But take your time you have till whenever you are ready to get there... ((HUGS))

 

What do you mean take her back into my heart?. If i have to take her back into my heart, it means reconciling with her.. I am confused with what you said.

 

But even with my ex gf, I accepted her for what she is, and moved on. I was quite ok. I had a ralationship and good marriage where I didn't have any relationship issues linked to my ex gf.

 

and thanks for the hugs- I'll never say no to one

[CarryingOn123]

CO123,

 

So...

If Im following you here... it seems at this point yu are pretty sure what you want to do about it...

 

what CAN we help you with?? (or is this still helping you?)

I am 90% sure what I want. But as you might realise, it is not an easy step to take. Of course I have doubts, but when I think of it in a rational manner (looking at the future, and the issues), they disappear. But I still find myself wishing sometimes "if only". the way I thought about it was to get it over and done with ASAP (as you can see from my first post). But many people here have convinced me that I should slow down and wait for some time. That's what I am doing, and that's where I am at now.. Dont know if this will make any sense to you, but, anyway....

[CarryingOn123]

How can you say so, I would still not be meeting her needs, would I. You yourself have said that you thought she was with him for sex and only sex, then why would she not go this time when I am still not meeting her sexual needs.

 

have you read Lady Chatterley, while it chronicles a blossoming romance, on the other hand it also chronicles a dying relationship with her husband that she promises (and obviously believes) that she loves.

 

Personally I would like to have a quick death to the erlationship, rather than to let if fade away- it dimnishes the value of the relationship while it was still good.

[Roo]

What do you mean take her back into my heart?. If i have to take her back into my heart, it means reconciling with her.. I am confused with what you said.

 

I mean admit to yourself (not in a logical manner in an emotional one) just how much you really DO love her, and how much you really WISH you could forgive her in a way that would make you BOTH happy, really let in that pain and greive it if you are going to truly let it go, stop being go damned calm... (lol) but seriously you said yourself...

 

Do you guys feel that we are a lot more tolerant to people that we are not close to? We shrug off their behaviour or characteristics as “their life”. We are more tolerant of our friends than with our family. We do that because we can shrug and walk away. We don’t have to live with it 24/7. Our standards and expectations are a lot more about people we chose to take into our inner/intimate circle.

 

I am in the same predicament. As long as I see my wife as just another person detached from me, I am Ok with what she did, and I don’t wish her harm, and I don’t harbor resentment etc. But- if I start seeing her as part of my intimate circle, then it is a whole different story. In that case the standards and expectations go up and she doesn’t meet it.

 

You must first let her back in (not necessarily physicall if you catch me) but in your mind, you must first allow your heart and mind to connect on this and feel the real nasty ugly deep true pain of the hurt and dissapointment, and heal from there....

 

for example... I can fill a gaping hole inyour leg with a wad of towels and stitch you up and while on the outside it may look like the hole is healed, we both know the towels are whats holding up the empty space.... better to open it up and let it heal from the inside out, and only have to go thru the healing once...

 

does that make a lil mre sense for you?

[CarryingOn123]

I understand the philosophy of what you are saying. But I find what you are saying as conflicting. While You are saying I can forgive her even without reconciliation, you are also saying that to forgive her I need to let her into my heart.

 

I mean admit to yourself (not in a logical manner in an emotional one) just how much you really DO love her, and how much you really WISH you could forgive her in a way that would make you BOTH happy, really let in that pain and greive it if you are going to truly let it go, stop being go damned calm... (lol)

 

I do still love her in some way, but it is nothing compared to what I felt for her before. Are you saying, I need to try and rekindle that old feling somehow. Because the fact is that intense feeling is not there any more. I am not supressing it, or ignoring it- it is just not there.

 

And moreover, how can I forgive her to make us both happy. It can only be done for us to move on with life, what happiness can any of us get out of this. we can forgive so that we can oth continue with our lives. The only happy thing/relief here is that there are no children involved.

 

stop being go damned calm... (lol)

 

 

 

losing your calm is weakness. that is when you become more vulnerable. When I feel that I am about to lose it, I always take a step back and watch it with detachment, as if it is something on TV. Well, I think it is understandable that I dont want to be vulnerable anymore.

[Guestro]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. But before I do that you should be aware that if she has this child in wedlock you may be liable. Just had to get that out.

 

I'll be playing into all your inclinations here, beware.

 

You were made for each other. It was a perfect union. You lunged to save her and were stuck down as if by a thunderbolt. She was left alone. As the days slipped into weeks, and the weeks became months, the prognosis of the doctors grew dimmer and dimmer. Their only answer was, "we don't really know, but it is looking worse and worse."

 

She went to your home. And that first night, she thought you would wake up in a day, or in a week; but while she hoped and prayed the weeks became months and soon the months became a year, and the doctor's speculations were dire. The Terry Schiavo case was in the news (you might have missed it) where a husband finally had the tubes removed from his brain-dead wife after twenty or so years, and he faced the scorn of an entire nation for doing so.

 

Maybe she gave up. It was the biggest mistake of her life but she gave up. In desperation and isolation she was entirely bereft. The best part of her life, and of herself, was in a hospital bed where the monitors went beep beep beep incessantly through the night. She came to truly believe that you were never coming back. In horror and despair and desperation she was ready to kill herself..

 

Along came Mr Fixit. This guy you hate so much. Father of a child. A child meek and mild. Hearing her story, how could his heart not go out to her? Finding a woman in such a terrible predicament, how could he not try to alleviate her anguish? He's not a bad guy. They both, in the end, believed you would never wake.

 

That's the crux, the belief that you would never wake. All things hinge upon it. You're in the 1% that do wake up after such a long nap. But 1% is when you start accepting and reckoning with fate, it's horrors and terrors, trials and spites and INDIGNATIONS.

 

It is a miracle you awoke. Is it an INDIGNITY that you raise another man's child? For certainly you could. It wouldn't take a miracle for you to do that, it would only take you. For you to lie in the arms of your wife again, would that take a miracle? The only thing stopping you is in the taking of offense, where none ever was intended.

 

Is it not an INDIGNITY to her that you are not, a perfidy and calamity to her soul that you cannot? Who has sorrow, who has woe? Your poor good wife has become the most tortured person I've ever heard about, while pregnant. At least you got to sleep through your coma.

 

Mark my words. She will suffer, and an innocent child will suffer, every day of her life in anguish if you leave it the way you have described..

 

The manly thing would be to apologize. "Sorry, I was coming out of the coma and all. You know, it happens. Here's what I meant to say/do."

 

Ok, that's the end of me playing devils advocate.

[CarryingOn123]

Just another feeling that I hadn't mentioned before.

 

In all the time that she might have felt that her needs were not met, because I was unable to, what pains me most is that she didn't think that I needed her.

 

She was not unable to do that, but chose not to.

[Adora]

How can you say so, I would still not be meeting her needs, would I. You yourself have said that you thought she was with him for sex and only sex, then why would she not go this time when I am still not meeting her sexual needs.

 

Because even tho she was having sex with this OM -her heart still belonged to you. I believe that if she were able to sit with you, interact with you, read to you and you actually absorb and respond.. I really do believe that she wouldn't have gone out on you. Because you'd of least had some kind of contact, reassuring her that you were still there.

 

Like I said; she could have already been mourning you - believing you to already be gone.

 

Does a friends with benefits arrangement make it any less painful or wrong. Is sex was more important to her than our relationship, it doesn't say much about her feelings towards the relationship does it?

Iirc, I also stated that no, it doesn't make it right - that I did not condone this type of behavior. In my eyes, there is never an acceptable excuse for infidelity. No matter the reason, the outcome will always be the same - the BS will always be hurt regardless of reasons. Some people allow themselves to lose track of what is right and what is wrong - unfortunately it is only being human and not fighting hard enough against temptation.

 

She was vulnerable - she allowed for this to happen and unfortunately you and her are now facing the consequences of her actions. I agree in every way that she was in the wrong and should never have allowed herself to this OM. It doesn't matter what the OM's role was here - either he was trying to comfort her or he was being a snake and slithering his way in when he seen a chance - you will never know; he will never tell. It will only eat you up inside.

 

I honestly would focus on healing you for now. The only way you will start to do this is by forgiving - you don't have to necessarily forget, but if you can forgive it will help you to move on with your life - with or without your wife. Do not allow yourself to hold in so much hatred - it will only slow down the process.

[Outcast]

Because even tho she was having sex with this OM -her heart still belonged to you. I believe that if she were able to sit with you, interact with you, read to you and you actually absorb and respond.. I really do believe that she wouldn't have gone out on you. Because you'd of least had some kind of contact, reassuring her that you were still there

 

This has been my point all along.

[Guest]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. But before I do that you should be aware that if she has this child in wedlock you may be liable. Just had to get that out.

 

I'll be playing into all your inclinations here, beware.

 

You were made for each other. It was a perfect union. You lunged to save her and were stuck down as if by a thunderbolt. She was left alone. As the days slipped into weeks, and the weeks became months, the prognosis of the doctors grew dimmer and dimmer. Their only answer was, "we don't really know, but it is looking worse and worse."

 

She went to your home. And that first night, she thought you would wake up in a day, or in a week; but while she hoped and prayed the weeks became months and soon the months became a year, and the doctor's speculations were dire. The Terry Schiavo case was in the news (you might have missed it) where a husband finally had the tubes removed from his brain-dead wife after twenty or so years, and he faced the scorn of an entire nation for doing so.

 

Maybe she gave up. It was the biggest mistake of her life but she gave up. In desperation and isolation she was entirely bereft. The best part of her life, and of herself, was in a hospital bed where the monitors went beep beep beep incessantly through the night. She came to truly believe that you were never coming back. In horror and despair and desperation she was ready to kill herself..

 

Along came Mr Fixit. This guy you hate so much. Father of a child. A child meek and mild. Hearing her story, how could his heart not go out to her? Finding a woman in such a terrible predicament, how could he not try to alleviate her anguish? He's not a bad guy. They both, in the end, believed you would never wake.

 

That's the crux, the belief that you would never wake. All things hinge upon it. You're in the 1% that do wake up after such a long nap. But 1% is when you start accepting and reckoning with fate, it's horrors and terrors, trials and spites and INDIGNATIONS.

 

It is a miracle you awoke. Is it an INDIGNITY that you raise another man's child? For certainly you could. It wouldn't take a miracle for you to do that, it would only take you. For you to lie in the arms of your wife again, would that take a miracle? The only thing stopping you is in the taking of offense, where none ever was intended.

 

Is it not an INDIGNITY to her that you are not, a perfidy and calamity to her soul that you cannot? Who has sorrow, who has woe? Your poor good wife has become the most tortured person I've ever heard about, while pregnant. At least you got to sleep through your coma.

 

Mark my words. She will suffer, and an innocent child will suffer, every day of her life in anguish if you leave it the way you have described..

 

The manly thing would be to apologize. "Sorry, I was coming out of the coma and all. You know, it happens. Here's what I meant to say/do."

 

Ok, that's the end of me playing devils advocate.

 

That was one hell of a dramatic narration :-)

[CarryingOn123]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. .........I'll be playing into all your inclinations here, beware.

 

Hi Guestro,

 

In common parlance, devil's advocate has come to mean a person who takes a position for the sake of argument (not necessarily believing in the argument); or who presents a counterargument for a position they do believe in, to another debater. This process can be used to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure

 

I hope that is the case with you too, and that what you have written is not your beliefs. With that assumption I will respond to your post. I am also just countering your theories( I might come out too strong at times, but is just a counter).

 

 

But before I do that you should be aware that if she has this child in wedlock you may be liable. Just had to get that out.

 

It is considered mine, if I choose to accept it as mine, but I have the choice to dispute paternity within 2-3 years of the birth. In that case I am not legally bound to the child in any manner whatsoever. And this is the path I wish to take.

 

You were made for each other. It was a perfect union. You lunged to save her and were stuck down as if by a thunderbolt. She was left alone. As the days slipped into weeks, and the weeks became months, the prognosis of the doctors grew dimmer and dimmer. Their only answer was, "we don't really know, but it is looking worse and worse."

 

She went to your home. And that first night, she thought you would wake up in a day, or in a week; but while she hoped and prayed the weeks became months and soon the months became a year, and the doctor's speculations were dire.

 

I thought we wee made for each other, and it seemed like a perfect union. She was left without my companionship, but not alone.

 

My condition was serious when they on hospitalization, and was like that for sometime, but then it stabilized and I was not in a critical (life threatening) situation after that. So the doctors were not being doom's messengers to anyone.

 

Maybe she gave up. It was the biggest mistake of her life but she gave up. In desperation and isolation she was entirely bereft. The best part of her life, and of herself, was in a hospital bed where the monitors went beep beep beep incessantly through the night. She came to truly believe that you were never coming back. In horror and despair and desperation she was ready to kill herself..

 

She wasn't going to kill herself, or anything like that- let us not get ahead of ourselves.

 

Along came Mr. Fixit. This guy you hate so much. Father of a child. A child meek and mild. Hearing her story, how could his heart not go out to her? Finding a woman in such a terrible predicament, how could he not try to alleviate her anguish? He's not a bad guy. They both, in the end, believed you would never wake.

 

Apparently more than his heart went out to her....hmmm....finding her in such a terrible predicament, he did alleviate her anguish.. and his, as a matter of fact (though a cold shower could have done the job as well)....Of course he is not a bad guy, he is just an every day guy... these kind of people are more common than others.. those who try to capitalize on people's misery and misfortune... they are the type of people who will try to sell you a bottle of water if you are on fire.

 

It is a miracle you awoke. Is it an INDIGNITY that you raise another man's child? For certainly you could. It wouldn't take a miracle for you to do that, it would only take you. For you to lie in the arms of your wife again, would that take a miracle? The only thing stopping you is in the taking of offense, where none ever was intended.

 

It is a miracle that I woke up, and I thank god for that. I believe it was a blessing for all the prayers that were made for me. In general it is not an indignity to raise another man's child. millions of step fathers all over the world do that everyday. And I had also said of another hypothetical situation that if the wife was raped (god forbid) and became pregnant as a result of that and the husband stood by the wife's decision whatever it was... No there is nothing undignified about any of that.

 

But how many men will be willing to raise their own wife's baby, which was the result of an extramarital affair, while married to them. Now that is a whole different story. Do you want to be tied to the other man for the rest of your life?

 

Forget about lying in my wife's arms, I can’t even think of sex without images of them coming to my head...

 

No offence was intended, I agree.... only inconsiderateness and selfishness was served... If she had given me up for dead, and in her heart she was justified in moving on..- she herself has admitted that that was not the case, and she knew it was wrong but she did it anyway.. apparently she compartmentalized me and him separately..

 

Is it not an INDIGNITY to her that you are not, a perfidy and calamity to her soul that you cannot? Who has sorrow, who has woe?

 

I really did not understand this...

 

Your poor good wife has become the most tortured person I've ever heard about, while pregnant. At least you got to sleep through your coma.

 

So would it have been better for her if she was in the coma, and I was awake?....At least then she could have slept through it all... everyone who thinks it is the easy option, should try getting a medically induced coma (if that is even possible) and see how easy and relaxing it is,.. and then we will talk.

 

I haven’t done anything to put her in a bad position, no one held her hand and led her into any path, no one pushed her into it.. that was the path she chose to take.. and that was the path she was celebrating. You can’t blame anyone else for your own actions and choices.

 

Mark my words. She will suffer, and an innocent child will suffer, every day of her life in anguish if you leave it the way you have described..

 

She doesn't have to suffer, she is beautiful, successful, intelligent, etc. She will have men falling at her feet, she will move on, she will find someone else if I am not there. She didn’t have a problem before...

 

How is the child going to suffer because I am not there... It has a father and a mother, who are responsible for it. They have to make sure that the child has a good life.

 

The manly thing would be to apologize. "Sorry, I was coming out of the coma and all. You know, it happens. Here's what I meant to say/do."

 

Sorry, I was coming out of the coma and all. You know, it happens. Here's what I meant to say/do

 

Ok, that's the end of me playing devils advocate.

 

Thank god for that..

[CarryingOn123]

Now that that is over I will say why I think it is better for me that we separate.... What influences me is not what she has done (even though it pains me grievously)..It is the realization of what I can expect in the future.

 

While the pain and sorrow still remains, I can possibly forgive her and still have some affection for her... But there is a lack of security in the relationship, because I don't believe she will be there for me if things go really bad. Shouldn't you be able to trust your mate with your life? Safety or security is also a primary human need.

 

You just have to see how people are and accept that.

 

The other thing is the influence the other man will have on my life, if I reconcile with her. Where is the exclusivity of our lives anymore. I am a possessive person, to an extent. The only way out of that is to accept her without the child, and that is a different circus in itself.

[LakesideDream]

CO123, I am sorry that this forum has moved so far in it's support of your wife's abysmal behavior. IMHO there has never been a more clear cut example of the consequences of a cheating spouse and the cheating's effect on the relationship. There is no question, or ambiguity. What happened happened.

 

You are a young man, and there is no reason for you to make a decision now that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Hopefully the decision you make will allow you the oppertunity to be happy the rest of your life.

 

The day to day responsibility of raising a child, born to your wife, concieved while you were unconscious and helpless, cavorting with "another man" in her attempts to be happy is one I couldn't shoulder.

 

For me, Seeing that child daily would bring back memories of the "tape" you found of your wife being penetrated blissfully while you lay in a coma helplessly would be to great a burden for me.

 

You have the oppertunity to isolate yourself from further damage emotionally. Taking that oppertunity seems to be the most rational course of action.

 

Good luck, and God's speed. Hopefully your wife will find her way. There is no need for you to help her. She is not a "victim", she chose her path willingly.

[Guest]

Because even tho she was having sex with this OM -her heart still belonged to you.

 

Makes me think of the cliche defense that was attributed to cheating men

 

"..but I was thinking of you the whole time I was with her"

[CarryingOn123]

Thanks LSD,

 

An update:

 

Have set up a meeting with my wife. I told her that I haven't figured out what to talk, so we might take a raincheck on that, but since she had asked to spend time with me, she could come to a getogether that we were having this weekend (saturday). small gathering of the usual people, Bro & sil, her parents, My parents, & D. I told her it is not for a one on one, but if she wants she can come and join us. the rest of the people are here every weekend, its just that my mom and dad are driving down this weekend. She said she is coming. I thought this is better as there is no pressure as in a one on one.

 

I also spoke to my lawyer friend about the AOA suit, he told me his partner is specialising in family law and he will assist him. they said they will look into my case details and check for viability of the suit. No decisions need be taken, just a fact finding mission. If they find that it is a viable case, then I can decide. But they said that on the face of it, it sees likely that there is sufficient grounds for a lawsuit.