selfless love is just an illusion

[CarryingOn123]

CO123, I wanted to ask you something.

 

Even though you are not interested in pursuing something romantically with anyone right now, I wonder if it is the presence of D that is preventing you from taking that extra step towards your wife. D could be like your saftey net, you might be wondering albeit unconciously why you need to go through the pain with your wife and take the risk with your wife when there is someone else safer. I wonder if you would have been more approachable to her reconcilliation efforts if it were for the presence of D.

I honestly dont know. D is not the cause of our problems, so all thise would still be there even if she was not.

 

I dont think of D as my safety ne, I do not consider her a second fiddle, I respect her and care for her more than that.

 

But you might have a point, as in (I've mentioned this before) I think that I have yet to find my true love, and once or twice I have wondered whether that is D. I wonder if I dont deserve someone who loves me enough to be loyal to me. I would say that now D is just the physical expression of that notion.

[CarryingOn123]

I really don't know how to start this, I'm pretty new to this site. This is the third post I read on here and I was just taken back. It is almost like I can feel what you went through, Even though I have never came close to such a situation. wow.... Well, I don't want to tell you to go forget about your wife and move on....and I don't want to say give her another chance. Just do what you feel is right. It must be very hard for you to have all these things going on at once. From all the things you have said on here and all the emotion, confustion and pain, I feel like I need to hug you!!! I know, me saying.... I'm here for you doesn't mean much....Cause you have TONS of people on here who support you and wish you the best. But I wanted to express how touched I am by your story and what you have been through.

I wanted to share with you something that I realized myself recently. My infidelity experiance made me see clearer. Instead of looking at it as ...I'm not good enough, or I've been replaced or anything negative, I look at is everything happens for a reason. I hope you find some kind of comfort in this saying as I did. Times when you think you feel lost or confused just think about why It happened the way it did.

 

"God shows us what pain really is so that when good times eventually come, you learn to appreciate them better then you could before."

 

Whatever happens to your relationship is up to you hun! Just remember that your here now. Given such a wonderful chance to live life again. Your so lucky!!! Take one step at a time and try living from moment to moment. I'm sure you already are though!! Your doing great and I really look forward to reading about what else is going on. Again, you really touched my heart!!

 

~Bufzookie~

Thanks for the hug and your kind words.

 

If you dont mind me asking- what was your infidelity experience, and what came of it? I am only asking because you said that you stopped thinking of it as you've been replaced, and started thing that everything happens for a reason.

 

You are right, I appreciate the small things in life more. Everyday is a blessing.

[CarryingOn123]

An Update-

 

I have to start using a new term/abbrevation here, I had earlier mentioned the awkwardness in calling her my wife, but when I addressed her as my ex we got into a talk about the appropriatness of using that term. But she is neither there nor here, so I am going to start using the term SW for Separated Wife.

 

Well, my lawyer friends firm got in touch with my SW to get more details for the AOA case. It was quite out of the blue for her as I hadn't told her anything. She called me soon after, and asked me what is going on. I told her that I am (considering?) filing for AOA suit against OM. She was sounding very emotional, she tried to tell me that it was not needed, and just to forget about the other guy. She told me that the suit is going to adversly affect him both professionally and personally. She asked me to think about what he would do if that happened, I asked her "the same way he thought about me..?" . She said "but he didn't know you...", Me "I dont know him too..". and it went on like that. I told her that this is something that I feel that I need to do to get over the hurt- call it the baser human emotion of getting even, but it was there. She was saying that she hoped that I would reconsider it. I told her that what I wanted to know was whether she would give her statement in support of my suit, to which she told me " you cant ask me to help legally prosecute him!..", I asked her why to which she said "..because he was always helpful towards me, ...and he is a friend..and he is my kids father..". I told her that I cant ask her to do anything, that was totally her choice. I told her that she can tell my lawyer that she is not going to cooperate, if thats how she wants it. She said "dont make it like that,.. thats not what I said..". But when I asked her what she did mean, she said 'I dont know".

 

I stopped the conversation soon afterwards and asked her to think about it and let my lawyer know. Either way she can be subpoenaed

[CarryingOn123]

it hurt to hear her being on his side.. guess I will have to get used to it... I wonder why she wasn't so persistant in defending our marriage against him...

 

This is what I keep wondering.. Is this the kind of life I need, to have my wife's lover as part of my life, have his & her offspring as part of my life. How part of her belongs to him as well....That is what all my confusion is about

[guestess]

oh dear,

is it any wonder, that she would not agree to co-operate in revenge against an innocent man. it looks as though he is already losing his child, or the chance to bring up his child in a normal involved way. i think guesto said it well really. there's always another side to the story, another version of events, and you cannot be sure that everything really is the way you see it.

it isn't taking sides against YOU, it is opposing your DECISION only. if you identify so strongly with your decisions that they seem a part of you, then you really have ego problems.

 

of course you are confused and i sympathise with that.

consider this:

you cannot change what has happened. you either accept it in totality or you have problems. once you have accepted it, you make decisions based on what is, not what could be if you could somehow manage to destroy this other guy. what you are planning to do to this other guy is far far worse than what he "did" to you. you are deliberately plotting to destroy him. what he did may have hurt you, but certainly not by intent. do you not see this?

i think you would not feel very happy with yourself if you acted this way.

i also think that trying to judge your wifes love for you by her willingness to hurt the other man is plain wrong. things just dont work that way.

you cannot perhaps have a guarantee of your wifes love for you in any of the ways you are seeking to. not by how long she stayed by your hospital bed, not by how much she agrees to destruction of a mans career.

 

i think what has happened is you have lost your trust. not just in her but in life. you are now seeking to test situations in ways that are just too black and white to be really true.

with regards your wife, you have two options. you either take a leap of faith, or you choose out of fear.

raising another mans baby will certainly be complicated. for you, for him, for her, for the child, for any other children. this is not a situation to be taken lightly. one thing though is certain, you simply cannot do this if you are going to also complicate things further with your anger at the other man. remember, things are not always as they seem. theres another version of events, in fact there are many of them. there is her version, his version... and its not often that people really act in deliberately harmful ways.

[Sup]

An Update-

 

I have to start using a new term/abbrevation here, I had earlier mentioned the awkwardness in calling her my wife, but when I addressed her as my ex we got into a talk about the appropriatness of using that term. But she is neither there nor here, so I am going to start using the term SW for Separated Wife.

 

Well, my lawyer friends firm got in touch with my SW to get more details for the AOA case. It was quite out of the blue for her as I hadn't told her anything. She called me soon after, and asked me what is going on. I told her that I am (considering?) filing for AOA suit against OM. She was sounding very emotional, she tried to tell me that it was not needed, and just to forget about the other guy. She told me that the suit is going to adversly affect him both professionally and personally. She asked me to think about what he would do if that happened, I asked her "the same way he thought about me..?" . She said "but he didn't know you...", Me "I dont know him too..". and it went on like that. I told her that this is something that I feel that I need to do to get over the hurt- call it the baser human emotion of getting even, but it was there. She was saying that she hoped that I would reconsider it. I told her that what I wanted to know was whether she would give her statement in support of my suit, to which she told me " you cant ask me to help legally prosecute him!..", I asked her why to which she said "..because he was always helpful towards me, ...and he is a friend..and he is my kids father..". I told her that I cant ask her to do anything, that was totally her choice. I told her that she can tell my lawyer that she is not going to cooperate, if thats how she wants it. She said "dont make it like that,.. thats not what I said..". But when I asked her what she did mean, she said 'I dont know".

 

I stopped the conversation soon afterwards and asked her to think about it and let my lawyer know. Either way she can be subpoenaed

 

This CO123, shows that she DOES still have feelings toward OM, that she DOES care for OM, and doesn't want this, but, then again this is quite obvious, ask lawyer about supoenaeing the video tape proto, otherwise it may just turn up missing, you should let your lawyer know where it was last when you left the house. Why do I say this? EVIDENCE! I hope you know she IS willing to help her "friend" rather than you. I feel for ya man.

[Sup]

it hurt to hear her being on his side.. guess I will have to get used to it... I wonder why she wasn't so persistant in defending our marriage against him...

 

This is what I keep wondering.. Is this the kind of life I need, to have my wife's lover as part of my life, have his & her offspring as part of my life. How part of her belongs to him as well....That is what all my confusion is about

 

Personaly, I think you need to go for the house too man, or get it split 50/50. DON'T let HER have it.

Oh, and to answer your question, Um, NO!

[Sup]

oh dear,

is it any wonder, that she would not agree to co-operate in revenge against an innocent man. it looks as though he is already losing his child, or the chance to bring up his child in a normal involved way. i think guesto said it well really. there's always another side to the story, another version of events, and you cannot be sure that everything really is the way you see it.

it isn't taking sides against YOU, it is opposing your DECISION only. if you identify so strongly with your decisions that they seem a part of you, then you really have ego problems.

 

of course you are confused and i sympathise with that.

consider this:

you cannot change what has happened. you either accept it in totality or you have problems. once you have accepted it, you make decisions based on what is, not what could be if you could somehow manage to destroy this other guy. what you are planning to do to this other guy is far far worse than what he "did" to you. you are deliberately plotting to destroy him. what he did may have hurt you, but certainly not by intent. do you not see this?

i think you would not feel very happy with yourself if you acted this way.

i also think that trying to judge your wifes love for you by her willingness to hurt the other man is plain wrong. things just dont work that way.

you cannot perhaps have a guarantee of your wifes love for you in any of the ways you are seeking to. not by how long she stayed by your hospital bed, not by how much she agrees to destruction of a mans career.

 

i think what has happened is you have lost your trust. not just in her but in life. you are now seeking to test situations in ways that are just too black and white to be really true.

with regards your wife, you have two options. you either take a leap of faith, or you choose out of fear.

raising another mans baby will certainly be complicated. for you, for him, for her, for the child, for any other children. this is not a situation to be taken lightly. one thing though is certain, you simply cannot do this if you are going to also complicate things further with your anger at the other man. remember, things are not always as they seem. theres another version of events, in fact there are many of them. there is her version, his version... and its not often that people really act in deliberately harmful ways.

 

CO123, no offense, but hey MAN, why does this sound like something your Ex-, um, I mean SW would say?

[Bufzookie]

Well, I will try my best to give you the short version of my story. If there is such a thing in these cases.....you asked for it!!

 

 

short begining......... Dating the greatest guy in the world...I thought. We had so much in common and I feel in love soooo bad! Well on New years eve....2004 amost 2005 he proposed to me. I said yes of course and then started to plan our wedding. We wanted to get married soon because we just wanted to be together plus he is in the military. Everyone in our family told us to wait so we almost HAD to make it for a year or so later. Well, about two weeks after the engagment, I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth out. I posponed that forever so it was about time. lol Well I got home from work that night... the next day was the removal and Lets call him Nathan, thats his real name!!..... Nathan told me to take a pregnancy test because he felt I was pregnant. I wasn't late..... thought he was being really weird but I took the test. Found I was!!!!! I was sooooooo happy! confused on why I didn't have the feeling but he did. Well....long story short we got married in febuary, which is what we wanted in the first place.

We moved in to a 2 bed appartment together by then I was about 5 months into it. Slightly mood I must say but all together feeling awesome. I was small for 5 months and had tons of energy if you know what I mean. lol Sory TMI but there is a point to the energy comment. I wanted to have sex with him....but I started to notist that he was not in the mood.... A LOT.... When he was ....he couldn't ...finish! I felt so ugly at times after that. Like I wasn't good enough. He wasn't as affectionate towards me anymore as well. I tell you though, I think pregnant women are beautiful. I was in great shape....I didn't understand. But then again in the begining I had a blood clot and we thought we lost the baby but it was okay. I thought maybe it was that holding him back. WELL>>>>>

 

I was on the internet on day. I go on funny websites a lot because sometimes I just need to laugh you know!! I forgot one of the websites I was on so I went on to the history and OH MY GOD. I opened up a can of worms. Porn sites.... Myspace account with under age girls on it....it said he was single and looken to mingle...blah blah...then Adult friend finder. Which is a site to find people or couples to have sex with. Somehow I clicked on the right cookie and it brought me right into his account. I found out he had been on there for a while. used MY credit card before we were married. It was terrible.... then I went on to his account on AOL and there were women he was having relationships with. I was shocked.... I didn't know what to do. Here I was supposed to be the love of his life and he was cheating in every way possible.

Well, that night I confronted him about it and told him I will not put of with this.... he said i was making a much bigger deal out of it then i should. That he never meet anyone on line before (SIDE NOTE>> HE MEET ME ON THE INTERNET). I realized that he had porn addiction. As time went by I found more.... I was so stressed out that I went into preterm labor at only 28 weeks...you have to get to 40. I was put on bed rest till I reached 37 weeks. It sucked, couldn't do much.... had no cable and wost of all N would be gone to the "pool" all the time. I desided that I had to know. I got up one day to see what he was doing. He went to the pool as he said he would...but he brought is phone there. I watched him from the back fence talking to someone on his phone. I never thought to check his phone. So that night....while prince charming was asleep, I checked his phone...now keep in mind I am 9 months at this point. I find naked picture of a girl on there....also messages on them....like...yummier in person.... can't wait to f**k u........ anything gross or sexy or lovy you can think of was there. So, I got up the courage to write her number down and call her. I didn't just yet...i asked him about the numbers and pics....He said that "oh I know its crazy, i get this girl calling for a guy named Billy. sends pics and calls all the time but never gets the hint" RIGHT>>> yeah I buy that...anywho, wanted to prove that a lie as well so I did call her. I'm going to call her Crystal cause thats her real name. I asked her if she knew him....she said yes but he told her his name was Billy...AH HA!! that he wasn't with anyone. I told her I was his wife and i was pregnant and she got soooo upset...i'm not a house wrecker I swear I didn't know,I will send you anything you need to know like emails and voicemail. She did. to my email account. That day I confronted him....screaming all types of ubsenities.... I was devistated. I was about to have this baby and I told him I didn't want him there when I gave birth. He not only cheated on me but the baby as well.

We ended up going to marrage counseling after that with the chaplin that married us. I was embarrased and lonley. But I then desided to keep going to the counselor with him. I went into labor on the 24 of sep 2005..... 24 hours later...3 hours pushing later..... I was an emergancy C-section. I was very sick.... very anemic... so was my little baby....She is big healthy and beautiful by the way!!! I had to move in with my mom because my sergery made it impossible for me to climb the stairs at my appartment. So Nathan and I moved into my parents house. After that I knew we had planning to do for a move. as I said he is in the military so I knew I was going to Hawaii in december. So I packed up my life....my little 3 month old at the time and moved to Hawaii. We got a house right away and moved in. Now by this time I had sold that computer and we had not gotten cable. We meet 3 nieghbors. All where very nice. I really liked the two women I meet though. One was 8 months pregnant and my age...another was older military wife waiting for her husband to get back from warrent officer training school. That one....lets call her Marcia...cause that her name.... are you getting that I don't care to mask?lol.... she let me and my husband use her computer to check bills and email and etc. WELL... I started to notist that he went over there a lot. I got that gut feeling like I always did and it is always right.

One night, he picked a fight with me about trust.... he said he was doing great and I should forgive and forget....this stuff was only a few moths old...my baby was only 5 months... not a whole lot of time to forget....we he stormed out of the house and said he need time to think and calm down. well, an hour or so later... I was in the bathroom...sorry there is a point.... I looked out the window which faces Marcia's house and I see my husband come out of ther house. I didnt' say anything cause I wanted to see if he would lie about it. Well I asked him how it was and where he went ...he said around the track and he said he was sorry....then was suuuuuupppppperrrrrrr nice to me the rest of the night...it was soooo bizzare. Then I couldn't sleep... so he gave me 3 sleep aids...told me to relax and he would take care of me.... I pretended to take them ..another side note.... I couldn't get my teeth taken out because i was pregnant last time so I got them out then....so i was in a lot of pain and just recovering. Well, I was asleep...so he thought....I hurd within minutes our back door shutting....I shot up and watched him from the bathroom window...He went right into her house. My heart didn't sink...it exsploded!!!!!! He didn't take the baby monitor...think about if my daughtor needed him and I was passed out....oh my god!! Well I ran outside with the monitor on my hip... ran under her window and sat there... I could her them....oh I could here everything... I was sick to my stomic. I ran to her front door and rang the bell...hurd Nate say oh **** its my wife...don't tell her i'm here....i ran around the back and knocked at the door..she came out looking all times of messed up....she said she was sleeping....hahahahhahaha....and i asked her where Nate was and she said she didn't know....tried to be all nice to me...ick.... well went back to the house and contiued to watch from the window...he was crablign to get cloths... I saw the shadow of him flipping out.... Then the distraction!!!!! She came out of her house to come to my front door...i knew what they where doing. ...... I went to the door and I told her to wait a minute and she demanded that I stay there.....hahahahaha... went to the window ...watched him walk out of her house to our back door and before he entered I asked what was going on....then the planned act was given... we were just talking...at 2 am in the morning in the bedroom and lied about it....hehehe. needless to say I left him....took baby with me back home to my parents. This was this year in febuary... right after our 1 year together. He swears to this day up and down that nothing happend with them...well a lot of stuff happend and we started to talk again... he was sweet and got on my good side.... I went to New england in May to see his parents and my family.... He took leave and flew out to see us as well. Everything was great....he seemed to have improved...etc. We had a good time. when i went back home to my parents. I had to go back to HI. came home to a computer and internet.....a drumset in my living room and a messy home. i was so upset....but I didn't know what to do. but we fixed things to get it to be ok. We didn't have a whole lot of time cause he was going to iraq.When he left....I found out that he slept with someone while were where in NE. It was a man!!! So....I have many reasons to feel ****ty but I know I'm smart, beautiful and one of a kind. Someone one day will treat me like I should be treated!! His lose!!Thank god I have this little girl to keep me strong!!

so that is the short version of the story.Hope I didn't bum you out to much!!!lol

 

~Bufzookie~

[CarryingOn123]

wow Bufzookie,

 

I feel for you. I will give you the short version of what i think- he doesnt deserve you. Hope you have realised that and moved on. You are right, there is someone out there who will treat you like a princess, who will make love to you all day even when you are pregnant, and most importantly will make love only to you..:-).

 

BTW I noticed that you are living in Hawai, Are you still with this guy?.

[Bufzookie]

Well, I am in the military housing ...kinda complicated. He left for Iraq in August and I'm trying to figure out how to get things started... I have to do it all by myself. It is really hard somedays. But thank you for saying what you did. I know that I will find someone who will be with me ONLY! I have nothing but Faith that there are good men out there. I know its going to be hard now that I have a child involved. She deserves better and so do I. I try to smile everyday to keep myself going! I think I'm pretty positive considering the situation.

 

I have gained a lot more then he could ever take away. His Mom and Dad are my best friends and they know what he has done and are very dissapointed. They are awesome people so I gained a whole new family.... 2 brothers and a sister.... a mom and dad..... and I'm a mom!! Now all I have to do is.... Just be me!! I will be loved someday again....... hopefully to a much better man.

 

How are you doing by the way? It seems as though there are a lot of complicated issues all around you. Find time for yourself and take a break from everyone.... SW....D....Family. Sometimes just being by yourself for a bit makes a big difference! Don't get yourself drained from all this!!! Big Hug!!! Hope to hear from you soon!

 

~Bufzookie~

[whichwayisup]

Bufzookie, my heart goes out to you and your daughter! You're so strong and I know, just from reading your words that you will get through all this and be OK. You have tons of support too, so that's good.

 

I read your posts afew times and all I can say is the man you married wasn't the one who you knew before you said "I DO". NONE of this is your fault, there is something seriously wrong with him. He has no sense of right/wrong, he's crazy. And I'm really happy to hear he's nowhere near you and your child. I couldn't imagine the feelings of shame his parents must feel about their own son.....

[Sup]

Well, I am in the military housing ...kinda complicated. He left for Iraq in August and I'm trying to figure out how to get things started... I have to do it all by myself. It is really hard somedays. But thank you for saying what you did. I know that I will find someone who will be with me ONLY! I have nothing but Faith that there are good men out there. I know its going to be hard now that I have a child involved. She deserves better and so do I. I try to smile everyday to keep myself going! I think I'm pretty positive considering the situation.

 

I have gained a lot more then he could ever take away. His Mom and Dad are my best friends and they know what he has done and are very dissapointed. They are awesome people so I gained a whole new family.... 2 brothers and a sister.... a mom and dad..... and I'm a mom!! Now all I have to do is.... Just be me!! I will be loved someday again....... hopefully to a much better man.

 

How are you doing by the way? It seems as though there are a lot of complicated issues all around you. Find time for yourself and take a break from everyone.... SW....D....Family. Sometimes just being by yourself for a bit makes a big difference! Don't get yourself drained from all this!!! Big Hug!!! Hope to hear from you soon!

 

~Bufzookie~

 

Is that pic of you? Plz don't get me wrong or take this the wrong way, but, I can't see why your husband would do this to you, that's messed up:mad:

And with another MAN! :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

 

He just dosesn't realize what or rather who he's about to lose:eek:

[Bufzookie]

Bufzookie, my heart goes out to you and your daughter! You're so strong and I know, just from reading your words that you will get through all this and be OK. You have tons of support too, so that's good.

 

I read your posts afew times and all I can say is the man you married wasn't the one who you knew before you said "I DO". NONE of this is your fault, there is something seriously wrong with him. He has no sense of right/wrong, he's crazy. And I'm really happy to hear he's nowhere near you and your child. I couldn't imagine the feelings of shame his parents must feel about their own son.....

 

 

Thank you for the support. It is nice to know I have somewhere to go and talk to people about my feelings. I'm trying really hard to be strong for my baby and just for myself as well. I know it was not my fault. It was his own selfishness. I was always very divoted to him. As the vows I took said.... Forsaking all others...... sickness and in health. He didn't fallow through when I was sick.... caring his baby no less. Then the cheating.... we all know... its wrong. He put me at risk for STD's.... and so much more. Now that I see that...I know its not worth it. I'm a strong women, and I'm not going to let him bring me down.

Yes his parents are very upset about it. They wish they could take all the pain away and fix it but they can't. It must be very frustrating for them to watch there son fail at marrage. They told me that I'm not just a daughter-in-law to them. I'm there Daughter. I have support everywhere.... His brothers and sister...his parents, my parents. It will be okay!! I just know it!! There is a rainbow at the end of this tunnel!

Thank you for listening though! It's nice to know I'm not alone.

 

Carryingon123---- Hope your doing great!! I'll send you tons of happy vibs!!!........... feel it yet?........ I bet you are..... your smiling!!! Ha.. I knew it would work!!! Take care hun!!!

[Bufzookie]

Is that pic of you? Plz don't get me wrong or take this the wrong way, but, I can't see why your husband would do this to you, that's messed up:mad:

And with another MAN! :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

 

He just dosesn't realize what or rather who he's about to lose:eek:

 

 

Oh thats is tooo cute. Yep that pic is me! But in these situations it doesn't matter what I look like. ..... its the excitement of the affair that gets them!!! I'm smart as welll....but again....do you think that matters to him?....if it did..... I would still be a happy little wife!! Sad huh?

[Sup]

Well, I hope you're getting stuff together to get child support from your hubby, amongst other things. Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

[Bufzookie]

Yeah I have talked with a few actually. I am just deciding if I should use the military one provided for us or get one myself. Now keep in mind, I'm in Hawaii and everything is WAY expensive! There fee's are insain. I'm getting there.... and child support...oh yeah that will be done. I am going request full cust. He is not ready to live life as a husband....and a father. Don't worry! I'm taking steps!! I promise!!!

[CarryingOn123]

How are you doing by the way? It seems as though there are a lot of complicated issues all around you. Find time for yourself and take a break from everyone.... SW....D....Family. Sometimes just being by yourself for a bit makes a big difference! Don't get yourself drained from all this!!! Big Hug!!! Hope to hear from you soon!

 

~Bufzookie~

 

Carryingon123---- Hope your doing great!! I'll send you tons of happy vibs!!!........... feel it yet?........ I bet you are..... your smiling!!! Ha.. I knew it would work!!! Take care hun!!!

 

Thans for the hugs and the vibes, yep it worked, and a big tight hug to you too. take care.. I think you are doing great and you are on the right way. You have your priorities straight. You seem like a great girl, just continue holding your head high, and remember tings can only get better from here.

 

I cant ake a break from everyone, as it has been adviced that I shouldn't be alone, in case of an emergency. SW and me are having a break anyway, and if need be I can ask D to stay away for a while. But that would be a hurtful thing to say to someone who has been there for me 100%. moreover, she is not influencing me in any manner, so I think that is not an issue.

[CarryingOn123]

Personaly, I think you need to go for the house too man, or get it split 50/50. DON'T let HER have it.

Oh, and to answer your question, Um, NO!

 

That was already considered in the initial aggreement with my brother. i.e- the value of the house was added to the assets and the total assets were split two ways ensuring approximately equal shares. So it was agreed that she would take the house and lesser percentage of other assets. ( this was because she was living there anyway, and I didn't need a house in my situation, so liquid assets that could go into my trust fund were opted for me)

[whichwayisup]

But that would be a hurtful thing to say to someone who has been there for me 100%. moreover, she is not influencing me in any manner, so I think that is not an issue.

 

Yes, possibly, but I would hope she'd understand that having space from her would be in your best interest, then she wouldn't have a problem with it. But, it's not an issue, atleast for now, so don't worry about it. I guess one thing I worry for you is, how emotionally attached and involved she is in your life. She may not even be aware of it either...

[CarryingOn123]

oh dear,

is it any wonder, that she would not agree to co-operate in revenge against an innocent man. it looks as though he is already losing his child, or the chance to bring up his child in a normal involved way.

..................

What you are planning to do to this other guy is far far worse than what he "did" to you. you are deliberately plotting to destroy him. what he did may have hurt you, but certainly not by intent. do you not see this?

i think you would not feel very happy with yourself if you acted this way.

 

Is it any wonder?... I guess not.. Nothing is a wonder anymore!

 

Guestess, FYI I dont think of him as an innocent party. let us not even go there. and if his situation is complicated wrto his child, then that is not my problem or doing, he got himself into it.

 

moreover my SW was just exagerating/emotional when she was saying that the AOA would destroy him. If you realise, the max that an AOA can do is to hit you for monetary compensation. That is it.. it is not going to affect anyone's career or anything like that. I was just quoting what she said.

 

moving on is not about forgeting stuff. It is about dealing with it and closing it. There has to be a sense of justice served for you to close something, otherwise you are just sweeping things under the carpet and ignoring it. I just think that this is a way of getting that sense of natural justice. If there is no sense of justice, it will remain a raw wound.

 

This is afterall just monetary, not like ruining his life. there is no plotting or scheming. It is a simple case of an aggrieved party seeking restitution within the provisions of the law. I really dont care about the money, I have more than enough for me. It is more to help me close this guy's chapter in my life.

[CarryingOn123]

oh dear,

I think guesto said it well really. there's always another side to the story, another version of events, and you cannot be sure that everything really is the way you see it.

 

There are a lot of versions for everything.. How do you find out the real version. To the best of my knowledge my SW was honest to me before, even in the most adverse situations, about everything. If I asked her a straight question, she gave me a straight honest answer. So I gave her that much... What she told me, plus how I saw it is what i drew up as the real version

[whichwayisup]

Guestess, I know that CO123's thread is long, but for you to understand exactly what is going on, go back if you can and take the time over the next bunch of days to read his thread from the start.

 

This man is honestly trying to figure out things and going through a living hell while doing it.

[CarryingOn123]

Yes, possibly, but I would hope she'd understand that having space from her would be in your best interest, then she wouldn't have a problem with it. But, it's not an issue, atleast for now, so don't worry about it. I guess one thing I worry for you is, how emotionally attached and involved she is in your life. She may not even be aware of it either...

Oh, she would certainly do it if it was in my best interest. I have no doubts about that. She is a person who lives by her values.

[CarryingOn123]

Oh, she would certainly do it if it was in my best interest. I have no doubts about that. She is a person who lives by her values.

it isn't taking sides against YOU, it is opposing your DECISION only. if you identify so strongly with your decisions that they seem a part of you, then you really have ego problems.

 

You've lost me there, but a decision is part of your life to the extent that you take it based on what you want.. I dont know what you meant, so I am not going to speculate.

 

It is not about ego because you make it thinking thats what you need. Though the actual decision per se might have been made on hurt pride. more like fighting predators away from your space.

 

I decide on what I want, its not she who does that anymore. So its my choice what I want. she either goes with it, or against it. please not that I didn't say against me. However by going against it, she shows her real commitment to me and my needs.