selfless love is just an illusion

[Ladyjane14]

I'm curious....

 

If you had a choice between suing this guy in a court of law, or bashing him in the nuts one good time with a wiffle ball bat, hard enough so even his grandpa would feel it ..... which would you choose?

[CarryingOn123]

I'm curious....

 

If you had a choice between suing this guy in a court of law, or bashing him in the nuts one good time with a wiffle ball bat, hard enough so even his grandpa would feel it ..... which would you choose?

 

 

Hands down.. Option two wins!... I would even pay the compensation to be able to do that

[Ladyjane14]

Hands down.. Option two wins!... I would even pay the compensation to be able to do that

 

Yeah, I have to admit... it'd be "batter up" in my case too if I were in your shoes. :laugh:

 

But if you want to know if your feelings are "primal" or not.... there ya go.

 

It's natural, but you don't have to act on it if you're not ready. Talk it over with your family first, and don't get sucked down into that drama unless it's necessary to your recovery.

[CarryingOn123]

The thing is that there is a statute of limitations for it. the longer I wait, the weaker the case. I just dont want to squander the chance while I have it, and regret it later. That is my thinking.

[Ladyjane14]

The thing is that there is a statute of limitations for it. the longer I wait, the weaker the case. I just dont want to squander the chance while I have it, and regret it later. That is my thinking.

 

 

Yeah, I know.

But in a choice between possible regrets, would you regret the loss of opportunity in repairing the marriage more?

 

I can see this thing becoming an albatross around your neck. That's my worry. It has the potential to close the door on the marriage, and also to tie up your personal recovery for months on end while you deal with the in's and out's of the legal system.

[silktricks]

BTW, forgot to ask you this before, even though I meant to..

 

How does it make things more difficult for me?

 

It seems that it will dredge up all kinds of painful things in court - a public forum - that will then be in the public domain forever. It seems that could make it pretty hard to get past the pain of the situation.

[Sup]

To say that she disappointed me is true, but I've never tried to somehow sugarcoat it to think that she was innocent. As you know, I've maintained all along that she was more than equally responsible. I would put her responsibility at 60% and his at 40% if I were to put it on a scale.

 

Dont get me wrong, that was definitely my intention with the AOA suit. If I am going to take her back, I want it with my eyes wide open, and not by fooling myself

 

So it's like you were TESTING SW to see what she would do, and to you she failed the test. Is that correct?

[Sup]

Yeah, I know.

But in a choice between possible regrets, would you regret the loss of opportunity in repairing the marriage more?

 

I can see this thing becoming an albatross around your neck. That's my worry. It has the potential to close the door on the marriage, and also to tie up your personal recovery for months on end while you deal with the in's and out's of the legal system.

 

If it would close the door on his marriage, which he has stated he doesn't want to reconcile, what/where's the harm? To him it may be a favor, no more controling behavior! :laugh: :laugh:

[Guestro]

The hidden catastrophe I spoke about is one that runs down the lines of time, from immemorial to indefinite. Making that child an AOE victim, per example. Even before you were struck down, what kind of man are you to make a judgment such as that, and suffer a child even before it is born?

The lofty weight you wield today will be born against that child. It will be remembered. And in that case I would not call you a cad, for it would not suffice; but a calamity and a world-hugging malfeasance.

In essence, you got a lucky break. I give insects and reptiles lucky breaks all the time. I've resuscitated hornets. You, however, are a man. Behave as one.

 

To break it down:

1. Give your wife a real chance, once in awhile, to talk to you. Alone time.

2. Don't beat up on an unborn baby. Or the father, by proxy.

Pretty f-ing simple.

 

Once again I have to state that this is just in your case. Normally my advice involves ball-bats and sharpened spoons.

[Guestess]

To Which way is up,

I have read the other posts in this thread, and I do know the anguish and torment that Carrying On is going through. However, it does not mean that there are wrong parties involved, it does not mean that someone is at fault, or anyone is to blame. When I made my post, it was initially to discourage Carrying On to take revenge on the Other Man, because I think that he may regret the decision in one way or another later on, and also just to try to point out, that sometimes pain is not the fault of another, at least not intentionally.

 

Well Carrying On,

People are usually selfish, this is true. Even those who think they are not, are living mainly through a belief of what they are, and how they prefer to see themselves. Even a heroic act, may not neccessarily be purely altruistic, and I'm not saying it isn't, but it could definetly be argued. Who knows the reasons of the Other Man, maybe he began in being a supportive friend, but simply fell in love. Maybe nobody really expected that you would recover, after all that time. I doubt that anybody who really believed that you would recover, would have made the decision to begin a relationship with your wife, and especially the most selfish and calculating person. If you think about it, if he thought there was a good chance of your recovery and he was being calculating, he would not have made that move, based on the fact that he was in a losing position.

 

 

As for your wife, yes Lady Jane pointed that out well. In her initial panic she pointed the finger at the OM, but when it comes to the reality of laying the blame solely on him, she cannot go through with it. It certainly should not be taken as proof of love for you or the other man. This is where testing is usually flawed, because people may take action for any number of reasons. Usually the reasons have to do with themselves, and not anybody else. Again people are selfish, or rather they are extremely subjective. How could she really, publicly at that, put sole blame for the "affair" onto the OM? There again, here lies truth as best as you will likely get it, that she does, somewhere, know that she is equally responsible for the affair. Or this is certainly the most obvious reality that glares out at myself, and clearly LJ too.

 

See everybody sees a different reality to the same situation, and it is subjective, usually based on the persons own emotional state regarding a personal situation.

That she is responsible too, also does not mean that she does not love you, it could also mean that she could not deal with the reality of what was happening, without having a shut down of some feelings. It is a common reaction to ongoing pain. You do keep belittling what she went through. It was not the physical caring for you that anybody was speaking of, and yet this is what you thought of. Your thoughts on this make it seem very clear that you do not have much understanding of what your wife actually went through. Is this also selfish? Could be, couldn't it?

 

You see, everybody is "selfish", even heros like yourself are "selfish". Should everybody be punished? Or is the anguish that we put ourselves through because of lack of acceptance enough? By realising that we are actually pretty much equal, do we not become less selfish? Isn't selfishness mainly a state bought about by a percieved seperation from one another?

[LovingLife]

The hidden catastrophe I spoke about is one that runs down the lines of time, from immemorial to indefinite. Making that child an AOE victim, per example. Even before you were struck down, what kind of man are you to make a judgment such as that, and suffer a child even before it is born?

The lofty weight you wield today will be born against that child. It will be remembered. And in that case I would not call you a cad, for it would not suffice; but a calamity and a world-hugging malfeasance.

In essence, you got a lucky break. I give insects and reptiles lucky breaks all the time. I've resuscitated hornets. You, however, are a man. Behave as one.

 

To break it down:

1. Give your wife a real chance, once in awhile, to talk to you. Alone time.

2. Don't beat up on an unborn baby. Or the father, by proxy.

Pretty f-ing simple.

 

Once again I have to state that this is just in your case. Normally my advice involves ball-bats and sharpened spoons.

Is this your opinion or are you still playing Devil's advocate.

[LovingLife]

Guestess,

I think it was in the last page or the page before, he was explaing about the AOA. It was explained that it is not about the wife laying the sole blame on the OM, but admitting his influence also. it is not about shifting all responsibility to the other guy.

 

And guestro made a point how the AOA will wear heavily on the child, quite frankly I dont see how this is. I personally dont have an opinion on the AOA, but was just pointing out certain flaws in the arguments. I just felt that the child was being used to add more compassion deserving face to the arguments

[BenThereDunThat]

I don't know much about AOA suits. What all is involved? What happens if you win?

[LovingLife]

If you win, the judge awards a monetary compensation to be paid to you (plaintiff) by the 3rd party(ies) to the affair, which in most cases is the spouse's affair partner.

 

What is involved is that the plaintiff has to prove that the influence of this 3rd party palyed a significant part in the breakup of the marriage.

[LovingLife]

CO123,

It is ok to be angry, it is natural that you feel that. i think you are going through the natural process. There is a theory called "5 stages of grief " model

 

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

You've just come into the second stage now, so dont be alarmed, just let it rip, it is healthy!

[Guestro]

Jeez dude, not only were you in a coma, now you're getting swarmed by a bunch of hags.

[Guest]

 

I guess they won't let you post links here. So look up terra naomi, go quietly on you tube.

[Ladyjane14]

If it would close the door on his marriage, which he has stated he doesn't want to reconcile, what/where's the harm?

 

I dunno, Sup.

That's a good point.

 

I have to wonder though if he really is ready though. He signed his paperwork, that's true. But he hasn't followed though on it yet. And he does still admit to unresolved feelings for his SW.

 

I think he WILL get there eventually, but until he's sure of his goals... I hate to see him limiting his options.

 

I guess it all boils down to choosing the lesser of evils.

When the choices arrayed before you aren't the ones you'd most hope for, you can only choose in terms of which are the least damaging.

[CarryingOn123]

So it's like you were TESTING SW to see what she would do, and to you she failed the test. Is that correct?

 

In a way, yes.

[CarryingOn123]

 

I guess they won't let you post links here. So look up terra naomi, go quietly on you tube.

 

?????????????? .its a song, didnt hear it as my broadband is acting up.

[CarryingOn123]

CO123,

It is ok to be angry, it is natural that you feel that. i think you are going through the natural process. There is a theory called "5 stages of grief " model

 

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

You've just come into the second stage now, so dont be alarmed, just let it rip, it is healthy!

 

good to know that someone has actually studied it. goog to hear that these are to be expected.. Thanks!

[CarryingOn123]

Jeez dude, not only were you in a coma, now you're getting swarmed by a bunch of hags.

well, I haven't seen one yet.

[CarryingOn123]

It seems that it will dredge up all kinds of painful things in court - a public forum - that will then be in the public domain forever. It seems that could make it pretty hard to get past the pain of the situation.

 

I understand what you are saying Silktricks, but all that side of things is public anyway. Everyone knows that she had taken up with him and gotten pregnant and gotten engaged, etc... The affair is not a secret anymore.

[CarryingOn123]

The hidden catastrophe I spoke about is one that runs down the lines of time, from immemorial to indefinite. Making that child an AOE victim, per example. Even before you were struck down, what kind of man are you to make a judgment such as that, and suffer a child even before it is born?

The lofty weight you wield today will be born against that child. It will be remembered. And in that case I would not call you a cad, for it would not suffice; but a calamity and a world-hugging malfeasance.

In essence, you got a lucky break. I give insects and reptiles lucky breaks all the time. I've resuscitated hornets. You, however, are a man. Behave as one.

.

 

Are you into poetry? ;-)

 

 

To break it down:

1. Give your wife a real chance, once in awhile, to talk to you. Alone time.

2. Don't beat up on an unborn baby. Or the father, by proxy.

Pretty f-ing simple.

 

Once again I have to state that this is just in your case. Normally my advice involves ball-bats and sharpened spoons.

 

couple of things buddy,..

I have not done anything against the child, nor am i going to do anything against the child. So please dont try to use the child to add weiight to your argument.The AOA is against the OM, and not against the child, and certainly not a way to beat up on a child by proxy.

 

I tried to start giving SW time to spend with me, and she started manipulating situations at that time (all the drama that I wrote about).

[CarryingOn123]

To Which way is up,

I have read the other posts in this thread, and I do know the anguish and torment that Carrying On is going through. However, it does not mean that there are wrong parties involved, it does not mean that someone is at fault, or anyone is to blame. When I made my post, it was initially to discourage Carrying On to take revenge on the Other Man, because I think that he may regret the decision in one way or another later on, and also just to try to point out, that sometimes pain is not the fault of another, at least not intentionally.

 

Well Carrying On,

People are usually selfish, this is true. Even those who think they are not, are living mainly through a belief of what they are, and how they prefer to see themselves. Even a heroic act, may not neccessarily be purely altruistic, and I'm not saying it isn't, but it could definetly be argued. Who knows the reasons of the Other Man, maybe he began in being a supportive friend, but simply fell in love. Maybe nobody really expected that you would recover, after all that time. I doubt that anybody who really believed that you would recover, would have made the decision to begin a relationship with your wife, and especially the most selfish and calculating person. If you think about it, if he thought there was a good chance of your recovery and he was being calculating, he would not have made that move, based on the fact that he was in a losing position.

 

G, I respect that you have your own opinion of this, but we have to agree to disagree here. I dont think the other guy is innocent.

 

Here is my take on him. He met her at his sister's, heard about her situation and saw an opportunity. It might not have been for a long term relationship at that point, it must have been for a fling. He might have got emotionally involved sometime down the line maybe... He then immedietly tries to manoever himself into her life, bu arranging situations with his sister (that was not an innocent supportive friend, was it?). He turns up at places where she is supposed to be and starts to pursue her. She was aware of his intentions almost from the beginning but still did not cut him off. I dont think he set out to hurt me, or he even thought that I would recover. I dont think he even thought of me, I was a non entity to him. For all his purpose, I needn't even have to be in a come, I could have very well been in Iraq or Afganisthan, he was just trying to capitalise on misfortune and vulnerability.