selfless love is just an illusion

[Outcast]

People who don't read entire threads before posting drive me NUTS.

 

Thanks for the update, CO. I guess you didn't have any 'near-death' type experience at any point in all this?

[whichwayisup]

Yep, his muscles would atrophy. That's what happens to anyone in a vegetative state for months. He would need months of physical therapy to recoup muscle loss and be able to operate nearest to what his ability was before the incident.

I'm not buying any of this at all.

 

Then stop posting on his thread. Don't read it if you don't believe him.

[LittleLady]

Well I had to read most of the posts before I would ever draw the conclusion that he was a plain liar. That I have. If this happened at a resort, this incident would be in the news (local for sure). And I'm surprised he never thought about suing and that nobody in the family has!!! His family would have been solicited by a slew of lawyers.

And that was my first post on this thread.

[LovingLife]

Well I had to read most of the posts before I would ever draw the conclusion that he was a plain liar. That I have. If this happened at a resort, this incident would be in the news (local for sure). And I'm surprised he never thought about suing and that nobody in the family has!!! His family would have been solicited by a slew of lawyers.

And that was my first post on this thread.

 

Right!!!!.... Since you take great care to read everything before you draw a conclusion, I am baffled that you are asking this. Maybe you should try reading atleast the original post in its entirety.

 

 

 

There was also the substantial amount of money that I got as compensation from the resort (they chose to settle). This was already in the trust account being used for my ongoing care. She was taking the house as I couldn’t have any use for it. Also that my brother took over as my legal representative on all my affairs, but that my wife still wanted to remain a secondary trustee in my affairs. .

[whichwayisup]

Well I had to read most of the posts before I would ever draw the conclusion that he was a plain liar. That I have. If this happened at a resort, this incident would be in the news (local for sure). And I'm surprised he never thought about suing and that nobody in the family has!!! His family would have been solicited by a slew of lawyers.

And that was my first post on this thread.

 

Again, if you don't believe him, please don't reply to his posts. He has explained enough and he also has said he is leaving out details (things that may piece it "better" for you so you can believe him) on purpose as he doesn't want to recognized. The man is asking for our help, and venting out his thoughts and fears. You posting and disbelieving him isn't doing him any good. Infact, you continuing to post on his thread is rude now, seeing as you have made your beliefs very clear.

[LittleLady]

2 BAD. This sounds like a bad lifetime movie or should I say Soap Opera.

 

 

Oh yeah, I knew he said something about a settlement, only I second guessed that because I saw a Lifetime movie recently with a similiar twist so I figured I confused the two.

I read these posts about a week ago, so oh well.

[LovingLife]

2 BAD. This sounds like a bad lifetime movie or should I say Soap Opera.

 

 

Oh yeah, I knew he said something about a settlement, only I second guessed that because I saw a Lifetime movie recently with a similiar twist so I figured I confused the two.

I read these posts about a week ago, so oh well.

 

Oh ya, and I believe you. HA

[November-Rain]

Hi all,

 

I came back 2 days ago. I had read the thread and did not feel like posting, solely because I didn’t feel like getting into a slanging match. But with the last poster’s post, I thought I will just write my side, otherwise it will keep on eating away in me & bugging me.

 

Many people have said that I have not been open about my medical conditions. That is because I didn’t want to discuss it due to privacy reasons. You don’t know how much information you can get by doing a google search with intelligently chosen keywords. For eg. Just use this search string on google and look at the result. - resort + coma + "17 months"

 

People like you guys wont be able to know who I was or anything like that, but people who know me in real life can realize whose story it is, and nothing is private then. As such, I am opening up my emotions here at this risk, but I don’t want to open up my medical file also.

 

And moreover if I wanted to discuss the medical side of things, then I would have started this thread under “general health & wellbeing” section. I wanted to discuss about a specific area, and that’s where I started this thread.

 

Saying all that I thought I will write this one post, and this one post only, to answer some of these questions. If even after that you have doubts about the genuineness of the case, then so be it. I haven’t ever tried to plead with anyone to reconsider their position on the genuineness of this thread. I am not going to start now.

 

 

 

Well, I used the term hospital in a generic way, but if you read my later posts then you will realize that I was not in a hospital, but in a private care/recovery facility. And I wasn’t moving about on my own, I was always taken by someone and always accompanied by someone (even now). The only time I wasn’t accompanied by someone was when I took a short taxi trip, much later, to meet my wife at a friends place.

 

 

 

I told you that I didn’t want to go into my medical file because of above mentioned reasons. But for your info, my last GCS reading was - GCS 9 = E2 V3 M4. But since you have already done your research you will know that Doctors use RLAS more to assess patients in coma due to head injuries. I have been told that the reason for my coma was bleeding in the brain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you read my post you will realize that I too didn’t just wake up. Even after I realized what was happening I took a couple of days to gain consciousness. This was not the first time that I showed signs that I was recovering. It happened twice before, once in January, the second time in March. But both those times, I didn’t progress to recovery.

 

And I had, and still do, intense physical therapy. I spent about 4 hrs every day in physical exercise just in the pool.

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your cousin, I wish him a speedy recovery.

 

If you ask your cousin’s doctor then he might be able tell you that every human body respond to treatment and illness differently. We all don’t go through the same paths for recovery. Oh, and Outcast- that applies to flu as well.

 

That is all I wish to say about my medical condition. I am not going to respond any more on that side. Like I had said before, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I am not going to try to change anyone’s point of view. I have nothing to gain from doing that, but have to waste a lot of time and energy doing that. Both those resources are very precious to me now.

 

And for those of who believe my thread, and those who don’t consider it a waste of time, I will update you soon. Oh, and I had a good vacation, and I am much more relaxed.

 

 

CO123- I'm glad you had a good vacation. I would like to apologize and

acknowledge, you have proven that sometimes we humans can

judge with haste.

 

You are absolutely correct in saying that you have nothing to

gain by changing any of our points of view. Your medical history

is private and you are here only for our help concerning your

present dilema.

 

 

By the way, thank you for your well wishes re: my cousin.

 

 

Best of luck to you.

[KLG]

They don't just let people in a coma lay in the bed. They get therapy everyday so atrophy doesn't set in.

[americat]

They don't just let people in a coma lay in the bed. They get therapy everyday so atrophy doesn't set in.

 

 

LOL. That is the funniest thing I've heard. First off, how will a person in a coma be able to move in the first place to get "therapy" while they are knocked out?

[Outcast]

People move them. They do that for paralyzed people, too, to keep the muscles from 'freezing'. It's not a joke. It's what's done.

[americat]

People move them. They do that for paralyzed people, too, to keep the muscles from 'freezing'. It's not a joke. It's what's done.

 

 

Yeah, I've heard about that with paralyzed people, but never people in a coma!!!! If that's what's "done", how come it was never done for Teri Schiavo? They don't waste time doing that with people who are unconscious and can't even maneuver or balance themselves.. hell, they don't even know if they EVER will come out of the coma.

 

" have a client who was in a coma for about 2 1/2 months before waking up. This happened bout 3 1/2 years ago and he has flown all over the world seeking medical assistance. He did suffer from some brain damage and is still on crutches because his lower body is still extremely weak."

 

 

Sorry, but that's just from 2 months in a coma and it is 3 years later with PROBLEMS STILL and this guy was under for 17 months with little problem.. uh, yeah right.

 

" I was comatose for one month in the intensive care unit at South Nassau Communities Hospital, followed by one month of intensive inpatient physical therapy. "

 

You got to be conscious before they start therapy.

 

And not only physical, but neurological therapy as well.

 

"Unfortunately, at present there are no exercises of any kind for unconscious

surgical patients"

 

"The main criterion for patients to perform exercises after a surgical intervention is that they should have consciousness "

 

And even if that was possible, his muscles would still atrophy, just not as much. He would need months of physical therapy at least!

[LovingLife]

Forget coma patients- You can have people give physiotheraphy to dead people, if you pay them enough:) .

 

You have to remember that we are not talking about the public system here. In expensive private facilities, anything is possible. It is only the public system that is worried about allocation of resources on a need only basis.

[americat]

Forget coma patients- You can have people give physiotheraphy to dead people, if you pay them enough:) .

 

You have to remember that we are not talking about the public system here. In expensive private facilities, anything is possible. It is only the public system that is worried about allocation of resources on a need only basis.

 

 

 

I think you all are too caught up in this thread that you don't want to believe that it might be a farse.

Moving limp body parts is not the same as carrying your own weight and exercising yourself. There would still be a substantial loss of muscle.

And I still did not find any info on that even being possible to do when unconscious. Afterall, much of the physical therapy include balance etc, all of which would be impossible with a person unconscious.

More or less, it would be a fine day in hell that he would be released from the hospital within 6 days of waking up, with no physical therapy. And there would be months of physical therapy after waking up from such a state.

[Outcast]

Is there any treatment?

Once an individual is out of immediate danger, the medical care team focuses on preventing infections and maintaining a healthy physical state. This will often include preventing pneumonia and bedsores and providing balanced nutrition. Physical therapy may also be used to prevent contractures (permanent muscular contractions) and deformities of the bones, joints, and muscles that would limit recovery for those who emerge from coma.

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/coma/coma.htm

[LovingLife]

Good.. I just would like to call your attention to a post made here earlier

 

Then stop posting on his thread. Don't read it if you don't believe him.

[Guest]

I was (still am- technically) married to my wife for 4 years and had been together for 2 years prior to that. We were very much in love and believed to be soul mates. I know it is incredibly rare to find the connection and love that we had. We were both successful professionals with promising futures. We were getting settled into life and had talked with excitement of having a child (making a baby, as we called it). Well at that time we took a holiday at a seaside resort. Life was good…. till an unfortunate incident occurred.

 

While walking back to our rooms, a concrete figurine from the façade of the hotel building broke off and fell above us. As I was walking a few paces behind my wife I saw it falling about to hit my wife on the head. I lurched and shoved her forward to move her out of the way. I pushed her forward but I was wearing rubber thongs and tripped on them and couldn’t get out of the way myself. It hit me on the head and I blacked out. The last thing I remember before that is seeing my wife start to turn back to look at me.

 

The next thing I remember is feeling drowsy and this dull thudding in my head an opening my eyes; bleary eyed. I heard a lot of commotion around me and blacked out again. I woke up again and realized I was in a hospital but still couldn’t see anything clearly, but a while later my vision started becoming clearer till I could see the doctors and nurses around me. One doctor smiled at me and conducted a quick vision test and asking me my name and other details to check on my mental capability.

 

He welcomed me back and said that he will get in touch with my family to let them know that I had woken up. I nodded, but as I was still drowsy was drifting on and off into sleep/consciousness. When I woke up again, I found my Sis-in-Law there (my brother’s wife). She was holding my hand seated on the side of the bed. She was crying but she smiled at me and gave me a long kiss on the forehead and said that they are all so happy that I was back. She said that she came over as soon as the hospital called. My brother was taking the day off from his work and would be with us very soon.

 

When I asked about my wife, she told me that she was not in town but will be back soon to see me, but I felt that she was trying to evade the question. But I was too tired to think about it or anything else. I continued to doze off and wake up. When I woke up again, my brother was sitting on the other side of the bed looking at me and I could see he was very emotional but was trying to remain composed. He said mom and dad are on their way (they live 3 hours from us) and that my wife had gone on a work related trip abroad and that he was trying to contact her.

 

Well, I found out that I had been in a coma for 17 months and that they hadn’t known whether I would awake at all. After a lot of checks and examinations I was checked out from the hospital after another 6 days, but was supposed to be under constant monitoring. Since my wife was not yet back (because they couldn’t contact her), they took me to my brother’s house so they could be there to monitor me.

 

I was feeling much better from the second day onwards, and by the time I got back to my brother’s house I was feeling fine, except a bit tired and a bit weak in the muscles. I had some problems with coordination as well, but it was getting better. I. was just frustrated that they hadn’t been able to reach my wife as I was looking forward to being with her. They told me that I had probably saved her life and that she wasn’t injured except for a cut palm and bruised knees when she fell forward.

 

About 3 days after I reached home, my Sis-in-law (sis) who was always with me started talking more philosophically to me. She said that I should expect a lot of changes, that I had been away a long time and should not expect things to be the same way that they were when I had the accident. She didn’t go deeper into it and when I was asking her about it, she said she was talking about life in general but “there is nothing that can’t be weathered”.

 

By this time I had stated taking walks in the nearby park along with my sis and when I asked her more and asked her if it was related to my wife, she slowly started giving me details. She said it was related to my wife, but she would prefer it we all sat down together (bro, mom & dad) before talking about it. She told me that my wife was seeing someone else now, and that they had left on a month long cruise just a couple of days before I woke up.

 

She said my wife used to come to see me at the hospital regularly etc. well, over the next couple of days they told me that they didn’t know if I was ever going to recover, and that I was put in the special facility to take care of me and they were all there with me regularly holding my hand even when I was in the coma. My wife apparently told my sis about 4 months back that she was seeing someone. And that about a month back had announced that she was pregnant and that they were engaged. She and my brother discussed about how to proceed with everything and it was decided that our assets would be split and my share would be put in a trust account in my name.

 

There was also the substantial amount of money that I got as compensation from the resort (they chose to settle). This was already in the trust account being used for my ongoing care. She was taking the house as I couldn’t have any use for it. Also that my brother took over as my legal representative on all my affairs, but that my wife still wanted to remain a secondary trustee in my affairs. She had put in an application to annul/end our marriage so that they could marry. She was currently on a cruise with him, after which they would be visiting his family who were living abroad, before returning back.

 

This was why that they didn’t contact her. Well they said that they can still contact her in the middle of the cruise by getting in touch with the cruise company and paging the ship, but they wanted to prepare me first. I told them not to call her and that I needed time. The next day I went over to my (old) house and found that the new guy’s stuff has virtually replaced mine in the house. I found my clothes and a lot of stuff in suitcases and boxes in on the storage racks in the garage. They were using our old bedroom and my cupboard full of his stuff. I walked into her wardrobe and saw her clothes hung up and just stood there holding a shawl to my knows and inhaling her smell, and it was then I started crying for the first time since I heard all this, till then I was in shock.

 

When I opened the bedside drawer I found a tape. We had filmed ourselves in bed, just for fun, but this tape looked a lot newer. Even though I realized what it was, I slid it into the VCR and played it. It was both of them being intimate in bed, I thing I just saw the first 5 minutes clearly, after that it was all through tears or in a daze. I replaced the tape, picked all my stuff and left. Over the next 2 days I met with our solicitor (who was already handling her application for separation/annulment), and I told him to draw papers to submit the application as a joint petition to divorce with the same terms that she had agreed with my brother, and I signed my parts and left it with him so that she can sign it when she gets back. I left instructions empowering my brother to handle everything on my behalf. I decided to move on, and concentrate on becoming totally well again.

 

It was decided that I should take time off and getaway for a while. So we decided to go to my Sis’s parent’s house. They have a country house by the lake, and I could do with some fishing and the fresh air would be good for me. My Sis would come with me and stay with her parents for a month or so and my bro would visit us every weekend. And thus we moved.

 

Well now my wife/ex is back in town. Someone apparently informed her of my status. And she is persistently trying to get in touch with me. Except my family no one knows where I am, so she has been calling my sis asking her to help her to get in touch with me. She says she doesn’t want a divorce, and that she only started seeing him because she felt that I was not going to wake up. My sis told her that I cannot be put through this stress now, but my sis will convey what my wife/ex had to tell me.

 

I told her to tell my ex that she should stick with her current man and they are going to have a baby together. When she was told this, she was pleading that that’s not what she wants and that she will have an abortion for me, she said she wants a chance to see me and talk to me face to face. I told my sis to tell her not to do anything for me. My sis told her that it is not advisable to put me to such stress after a major trauma, and not to pressurize me. She still calls my sis every day to ask about how I am. I told my sis to ask her to stop doing this and let me move on with my life as she has with hers. But she still calls everyday.

 

How do I handle this situation? Should I change the joint petition for divorce and appeal on my own behalf? Or is there a better way.

 

wow!! I am blown away!! you know If I were that wife I would have stood behind you! But again I am not her. I took my vows very serious!!! I said for better or for worse!!!!! first of all I would have done everything in my power that if you were in a comma I would have brought you home and had other ways of copeing. I would have not placed you in a hospital nor would I have let someone strange take care of you!!!I have been with my husband for 18 years and I am emotionally abused my husband, I too fat I am not this I am not that and I still find myself staying. WHY because I do love him and we have a baby together. he has never had the love given to him as I have growing up and maybe one day he will see that and love me unconditionaly.

 

Maybe you should confront her? because if you did then you can resolve the issue you are haveing and ask her why? why did you desert me when the going got tough and why did she leave you and forsake you? tell her that even though you were in sleep you were still breathing and that you could wake up. Doctors are not GOD!!!! the first face you should have seen was your wife's and you should tell her that!! you will never be able to pick up the pieces of your life cause you will have doughts from now on if you should have talked to her. dont run like she did!! face the thing head on cause you can only get better if you do. and maybe if she has just cause you can make it work.

 

I feel sorry for the guy that she is with cause he is heading for heart ache. rember anger for him is not really needed. and if he has moved in and all your things being packed up and his in then I would question how long they had been seeing each other before the big move in and move you out thing. cause to me if she loved you then 17 mths is not a long time really!! so after 6 mths of you being in the hospital she must have started seeing this persona and then moved him in. ask yourself what would you have done if she were the one that was struck. and you were the one that saw someone else.

 

would you have left? would you have seen it through? and do you really think that this was all together innocent? like I said I was not her but I will tell you this if my husband had this happen to him I would still be there. lonley yes!!! unable to think of how I will make it without you,yes! how hard it would be to see you lying there cause you saved me and feel that was the least I could do,yes!! even though my husband treats me like he does I would still be there cause that is what a wife is supposed to do.

[CarryingOn123]

Hey guys,

 

I am sorry that I took this long to get back. I thought I’d wait till all the furore had died down, at least for the while. And also I had starting trouble since it has been a long time, I didn’t know where to start. So forgive me if I seem a bit unorganized in my replies & updates.

[CarryingOn123]

Maybe you should confront her? because if you did then you can resolve the issue you are haveing and ask her why? why did you desert me when the going got tough and why did she leave you and forsake you? tell her that even though you were in sleep you were still breathing and that you could wake up. Doctors are not GOD!!!! the first face you should have seen was your wife's and you should tell her that!! you will never be able to pick up the pieces of your life cause you will have doughts from now on if you should have talked to her. dont run like she did!! face the thing head on cause you can only get better if you do. and maybe if she has just cause you can make it work.

 

She already told me that she turned to him because she was lonely and that she was stressed. I don’t know what else to confront her about.

 

would you have left? would you have seen it through? and do you really think that this was all together innocent? like I said I was not her but I will tell you this if my husband had this happen to him I would still be there. lonley yes!!! unable to think of how I will make it without you,yes! how hard it would be to see you lying there cause you saved me and feel that was the least I could do,yes!! even though my husband treats me like he does I would still be there cause that is what a wife is supposed to do.

 

The way I felt about her and us at that time, I can say I would have stayed till the end. Hell, it was just natural to me to put myself out there to get her out of harms way. I just thought both of us felt that way about each other.

 

See there is nothing innocent about it. She has told me herself that she knew fully well what she was doing was wrong (even at that time), but she continued with it anyway.

 

I feel sorry for the guy that she is with cause he is heading for heart ache. rember anger for him is not really needed. and if he has moved in and all your things being packed up and his in then I would question how long they had been seeing each other before the big move in and move you out thing. cause to me if she loved you then 17 mths is not a long time really!! so after 6 mths of you being in the hospital she must have started seeing this persona and then moved him in. ask yourself what would you have done if she were the one that was struck. and you were the one that saw someone else.

 

Quite sorry, But I don’t feel so charitable now when it comes to him. I realized one thing- he was not under any stress or pain at that time; he moved in on her fully aware of the situation. He knew she was married. Hell, he knew the whole story. He was just thinking of himself then, he didn’t even consider me, did he? I’m sorry, but you won’t see me shed tears for him.

[CarryingOn123]

CO123- I'm glad you had a good vacation. I would like to apologize and acknowledge, you have proven that sometimes we humans can

judge with haste.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Don’t worry about it- its all water under the bridge.

 

& thanks for the wishes

[CarryingOn123]

If my husband went off with another woman and got her pregnant within some months of my descent into a coma... no, im sorry, but that I don't think I could get over. But I really don't know.. maybe I could. I'd probably end up killing myself if that happened. My partner is not a weak piece of crap though that cannot be alone. He was alone for a while before we got together and actually was in a habit of turning women down. Guess he was picky or something. But, this is a TEST of love and character. If my husband failed that test, I don't think I could ever forgive him.

 

I think so too- that it was a test of character, and more than that, it was a test of love.

 

Its ok if you don't want to be with her because you feel like she doesn't meet your standards. Not needs, or wants, but standards. Every one's relationships are based on standards, your family, friends, co-workers, SO's, spouses. If she doesn't meet yours and this situation is what brought that fact to your attention, then fine, get out.

 

Partly correct. I don’t think she meets my standards for my life partner. I can tell you, knowing her as I know her now, I wouldn’t have started a new relationship with her.

 

Sure, mistakes happen. People sometimes cope poorly, true again. But there's no 'get out of jail free' card in real life. We're each still ultimately accountable for our actions regardless of WHY we took them. Forgiveness is not automatic when you hurt someone, even if there was an understandable excuse.

 

This guy shouldn't be pressured to be responsible for someone else's mistake. He didn't select the behavior.

 

I certainly hope there aren't a lot of people out there who expect to be forgiven for their stupid mistakes. I expect to face the consequences of mine and live with the outcome.

 

Unfortinately for her, she made this bed, now she must sleep in it. She should have thought about the consequences of her actions for breaking God's covenant. The only sin in which God will allow for divorce is infidelity. In this case, God would grant you a divorce, no questions asked.

 

I would also like to recall Outcasts numerous posts here on the other side of the argument. I had mentioned earlier (if you see my post regarding my face to face meeting with her) that she admitted to me, that she knew what she was doing was wrong, but continued to do it anyway. She knew how much it would crush me, but still did it anyway.

 

You might say she didn’t intend to hurt me. But she knew it was wrong, and it was have a devastating effect on me and she continued with it. And also it wasn’t a one time slip, was it?- she continued to do it regularly for about 6 months.

 

It could also be an act done with no consideration for the feelings of others. The perpetuator ignores how it will affect others and fails to respect their feelings.

 

Exactly.

[CarryingOn123]

If you were to try again with your wife, it will be some time before you could forget what happened. That baby is going to serve as a daily reminder for the rest of your years.

 

Once your past the shock and at least a bit of the pain you might start to want to be friends with her, who knows what that could lead to. Even with the baby. The baby may turn out to be reminder that she loved you enough to put it all on the line, instead of a painful reminder that she (at least in your opinion, and yours is the only one that counts) messed up terribly.

 

I don’t think I will ever feel that way. Believe me I know me. My situation will be what “Guest” portrayed, I don’t forget anything- seriously, I still remember significant events and conversations from as early as when I was 5 years old.

 

 

Maybe if she wasn't pregnant, it would have made a difference. Maybe not.

 

Maybe not. Even before that it was like burning down the bridges. The pregnancy- its like bombing both banks as well.

 

Look, I do feel sad for his wife, but life is unfair isn't it? It was unfair that this whole accident happened to begin with. And it's unfair to him that now he's alive and on the mend and has to deal with his wife being pregnant by another man. Neither of them asked to be put in this position, but this is it.

 

Didn’t she?...The only thing she didn’t ask for was that she would be accountable if I recovered.

 

To look at it from the other side of the coin for a minute... I wouldn't want to be with someone who might harbor ill-will toward me and my child for the rest of my life, regardless of whatever mistake I had made. People are only willing to 'live in the doghouse' for so long. I wouldn't want to always wonder if I was accepted fully, or if my child was feeling truly loved and integral within the family unit.

 

I agree with you fully… My thoughts exactly…Its like if I take her back, then I have to give up my right to be hurt by this, that I just “suck it up and get over it”. Listen, I don’t want to be unfair to her, and to her baby. That’s my thought process causing me to lean the way I was advocating.

 

But its hard sometimes, because forvgiveness for the 'perpetrator' (for lack of a better word), seems to feel like a "you've been cleared of any wrongdoing as far as I'm concerned."

 

 

Very true.

 

I just re-read your first original post.

Honestly, it's painful. Maybe too painful to move forward with this woman. As much as you love her and want her back as things once were, that's not possible. Too much has happened and you have every right to feel the way you do. She bailed on you. In so many ways...

Not only did she move on, make arrangements to marry someone else, but moved SO fast into trying to settle the house, money etc...

 

Like someone had earlier mentioned- “sometimes there has been too much water under the bridge”

 

But then you stumbled on the tapes which you thought were of YOU and HER, instead they were ones of the OM and your wife...So, in a way, that lessens the meaning of the tapes you did with her.

…..Can someone really get over that deep pain, that abdonment? Yes, the circumstances are awful and so sad...

It could be just too painful to forget. Has nothing to do about love...He does love her. Probably enough to let her go.

 

Btw I kind of knew what that tape was when I saw it (coz it was a newer tape, as I had mentioned), but I was hoping against hope that it was not what I thought it to be.

 

And all this lessened the meaning of not just the meaning of the tapes that we made, but of the life that we had as well. It makes me wonder if it meant so little that she would take chances with it.

[CarryingOn123]

I think that CO123 is taking things really quickly. You just woke up after 17 months!!! I can't wake up after 8 hrs. and make an easy decision for at least 45 min. But I understand your need for clarity on the situation. I do wonder if you've trully forgiven her. I mean if your this confused about what to do that your here posting back and forth your clearly confused about what you want.

…….

 

But if really you don't want to be with her because what she's done upsets you, and you don't want to deal with the aftermath of the situation she's put you both in then that's wrong. Because it kinda proves that you haven't really forgiven her. Indifference would say "hey I've forgiven you but now I would like to go on my way without you, but the best of luck to you." And then a speedy divorce. But getting nauseated because your in her presence, she touched you, etc., etc., means your upsets with her and it hurts you becaaue you do care. So please do slow down.

……………. Just take your time and really understand your feelings first.

 

These folks need to take their time, IMHO. They have a new opportunity to assess each other for compatibility after having experienced adversity. The relationship dynamics are 'on the table', warts and all, for both of them to see. They can decide to 'work through' what they have before them, or to move on and begin something new. But I think they'll each be more satisfied with their decision if they allow themselves sufficient time in making it.

 

I am taking your advice. I have not pushed to speed up the divorce. I have not done anything on that front. I am meeting a counselor (though I haven’t met him after I went away), but I was feeling frustrated because I didn’t feel we were progressing- I felt we were going around in circles. But I am still going there.

 

But what I was saying was that I am not pushing for anything now.

 

To tell you why I wanted to get things over with as soon as possible- I feel suffocated, I feel like I am chained to something and I am drowning. I feel that that the longer I wait, that some default decision is being thrust upon me. And that thought panics me. … I am quite good at expressing what I want to express, but I don’t think I can express this feeling well enough to you guys. I am not sure if you guys will ever understand this feeling.

 

But like I said I am currently suppressing this, and forcing myself to take it slow.

 

I will give you something to think about here… Please think over it before responding because it is a bit deeper than the simple sentence that it is. It might give you some insight into my head-

 

This is again about why I was pushing to finalise things. By some off chance I might be making a wrong call…..but it is atleast my call!

 

But I am taking your advice and not doing anything on that front. I am trying to keep busy to push all those thoughts out of my head.

[CarryingOn123]

I could be barking up the wrong tree here but here it goes...are you experiencing guilt for somehow 'abandoning' your wife. Even though you didn't have much choice in the matter could it be possible that you are faced with an overwhelming sense of guilt, a guilt that is irrational but hard to face?

The title of this thread got me thinking about how your own 'selfless love is just an illusion.'

 

Well, mate, I had fleeting thoughts in that vein, but nothing seriously. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions including guilt regret sadness rage jealousy relief happiness, etc. I have gone through the full spectrum.

[CarryingOn123]

Well, to update the situation. Nothing much has happened. As you know I was at a very relaxing vacation with people who I was very comfortable with. I actually stayed over 2 days more than I had planned.

 

I haven’t spoken to my wife for quite a long time now. She doesn’t try to call and speak to me now. I heard that she went to see my parents, the Saturday the week before last. It was for no particular reason just a social visit apparently. And when my mother asked her how she was and how she was going with her pregnancy, she apparently gave a forced smile and gave my mother a hug, but didn’t reply and just changed the topic. My mother insisted that she spend the night, because my mother felt she looked tired. She ended up staying 2 nights, with my mother making full square meals for her and just generally letting her be.

 

On the issue of parents- her mother called me a couple of times (her father is no more), she lives overseas. She & I always got along very well together, but now it is more like she doesn’t know what to say to me, and vice versa. She told me she was happy that I was recovering, and I thanked her for it. But we reached a stalemate with our conversations. She is coming down in the next month or so to stay with her daughter till after the birth.

 

And coming back to my wife, she called my sis-in-law 2-3 days after coming back from my parents house to talk.( They still talk regularly). They decided to have lunch together, and she asked about me and how I was doing, etc. what my sis told me was that when my Sis told her that I had gone with D to the resort, she seemed disturbed but didn’t say anything other than “I thought he wanted time alone”. Though she didn’t say anything else, apparently she was distracted and thoughtful the rest of the afternoon. At the end of lunch she hugged my sis and said that they should do this more, like before. My sis said “sure”. When my sis told me all this, she asked me what she should say when my wife wanted to talk about me, and I said she can do as she please, but I don’t want to say anything now.

 

There are a couple of things coming up, I am looking at doing something to restart my career. I might be taking up a consultancy project to restructure the business of a small company which owns 5 medical clinics. I met this guy at the weekend getaway. It is really not a high pressure job, as it sounds. I just have to review the current setup, try to streamline operations and revenues and to eliminate functional overlaps. More like implementing best practices. But I dont have to do the implementation part, I just have to review & suggest recomendations. They are flexible on deadlines so there is no pressure. I think it will be good diversion to stimulate my brain too. let's see how things go, nothing is finalised yet, but we will talk more in the next couple of days or so to get more into the details.