selfless love is just an illusion

[newbby]

have you read enduring love?

[CarryingOn123]

have you read enduring love?

No, I have not.

[LakesideDream]

CarryingOn123, I have read each and every post in this thread, and I do have a couple of opinions.

 

Had my wife and "soulmate", done what yours did after you literally threw away your life to protect her, I would feel much as you do. During your Coma there was no way to communicate with her. It was her responsibility to act with honor. Had she moved for the annullment on medical grounds, and received it believing you to be in a permant condition, THEN begin to gather her life and make commentments to others it would be sad and unfortunate, if not honorable.

 

What she did, sleeping with her friend (with priviledges) and getting herself "knocked up" on her safe day, (disgusting) was totally without honor. Obviously she truely believed that you had sacrificed your life for her. Yet she was unable to summon up the decency to wait for the legal system to grant her wish, which was automatic!

 

I feel for you friend. When my marriage ended, it ended in a rush. I knew that I would never be able to respect my wife of 25 years, or desire her with visions of her rutting with another man in my mind. The idea of raising or even participating in the well being of the bastard child would have hurt me like a dental drill.

 

I believe you have made the correct decision, and wish you all the luck there is. If there is justice in the world (I am not sure there is) then you will find she wasn't your soulmate after all.

 

I also agree that you should insulate yourself from legal responsibility for this child as soon as possible. Remember the childs mother is not an honorable person and I would not trust her actions years down the road.

[newbby]

No, I have not.

 

i only mentioned it because alot of the story is about a man dealing with the fact that his partner did not react to things in a way that he thought she should. she wasnt as strong in those situations as he expected her to be, or hoped her to be. anyway, its a good book.

[CarryingOn123]

The idea of raising or even participating in the well being of the bastard child would have hurt me like a dental drill.

.

 

LD, I understand that you might be emotional about this topic due to your own circumstances, however I request you to call the child any unnecessary names. Afterall it didn't have any say in any of this.

 

about the remainder of your post- thank you for your wishes. and I had already planned to legally seperate myself from any responsibility to the child soon after the kid has been born. ( I plan to do this whichever path I take)

[CarryingOn123]

i only mentioned it because alot of the story is about a man dealing with the fact that his partner did not react to things in a way that he thought she should. she wasnt as strong in those situations as he expected her to be, or hoped her to be. anyway, its a good book.

Thanks. I will see if I can take a look next time I go to the library

[LakesideDream]

LD, I understand that you might be emotional about this topic due to your own circumstances, however I request you to call the child any unnecessary names. Afterall it didn't have any say in any of this.

 

 

I used the word in the descriptive. As in Mother not married to the father. In hindsight it would have been P.C. to say "unfortunate infant" or "viable tissue mass".

 

Obviously the child itself is innocent.

[queenbee930]

OMG. This will sound wierd but, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. How many people would have handled this as well as you have? You don't really need our advise, you seem to be dealing pretty well. (from your post) I wish you the best of Luck in the future.

[LovingLife]

I had already planned to legally seperate myself from any responsibility to the child soon after the kid has been born. ( I plan to do this whichever path I take)

 

Did you mean that you were going to do that even in the off chance that you would get back with your wife? Have you told her/let her know this yet? Is it a firm plan yet, or is still just a thought under consideration?

 

Also, personally, from what I've understood from your postings is that you lost control of your life and now you want to make the decisions and you want to take back complete control of it. (which is OK considering all you've been through). But you also have to examine yourself to find out that any decisions that you are taking is not just to prove this point (that you are in control). The reason that I felt like this is because of the comment that you made;

 

By some off chance I might be making a wrong call…..but it is atleast my call!

 

Maybe I am wrong, but what do the rest of you guys think?

[Ladyjane14]

I am taking your advice. I have not pushed to speed up the divorce. I have not done anything on that front. I am meeting a counselor (though I haven’t met him after I went away), but I was feeling frustrated because I didn’t feel we were progressing- I felt we were going around in circles. But I am still going there.

 

But what I was saying was that I am not pushing for anything now.

 

To tell you why I wanted to get things over with as soon as possible- I feel suffocated, I feel like I am chained to something and I am drowning. I feel that that the longer I wait, that some default decision is being thrust upon me. And that thought panics me. … I am quite good at expressing what I want to express, but I don’t think I can express this feeling well enough to you guys. I am not sure if you guys will ever understand this feeling.

 

But like I said I am currently suppressing this, and forcing myself to take it slow.

 

I will give you something to think about here… Please think over it before responding because it is a bit deeper than the simple sentence that it is. It might give you some insight into my head-

 

This is again about why I was pushing to finalise things. By some off chance I might be making a wrong call…..but it is atleast my call!

 

But I am taking your advice and not doing anything on that front. I am trying to keep busy to push all those thoughts out of my head.

 

Unfortunately, I think it all comes down to the lesser of evils.

 

Yes... a default decision might eventually come. The wife might decide to move on while CO is stalled out. So there's a risk there.

 

But if he returns to the relationship while still in the throes of anger and resentment, the relationship is most certainly doomed to unhappiness and eventual failure.

 

The third option is to cut his losses and push for divorce so that he can move on himself. But there again... is the anger and resentment introducing DOUBT into the decision. It's not only just what his wife did while he was in a coma that he needs to work through, it's also the crappy treatment he's received at the hands of fate itself.

 

He's lost a year and a half of his life, as well as his wife and home. He's probably still in pain and weak from his injury so he's dealing with convalescence.

 

So, on the one hand, he's blessed to have woken up at all. But on the other, he's got to be asking himself... "why me?". This too, I imagine needs to be resolved before he can REALLY be a healthy partner for someone again.

[CarryingOn123]

Hi,

 

Thank You QueenBee

 

I had mentioned in my previous post, that I was considering taking up a small consultancy project. Well, the guy came to see me and we discussed it further. There were a lot of practical difficulties, as you may well imagine- one- I couldn’t travel to visit all the clinics etc. So this would be more of an analytical review, just like a CPA would be looking at accounts. He said one of the practice managers would liaise with me and get me all the info that I needed, rather than me compiling it on my own. All I would need is to analyse data and make a best practices template which would be scalable to include new acquisitions. And since it is not a critical project, but rather something that they would like to do, there is no fixed time frame. On the looks of it, it sounds fine. My thinking is that I will just get the ball rolling, and if I can’t do it, I will drop out. Someone once told me that there is an old Chinese proverb which says “make haste slowly”. I thought I will need to build up momentum at some stage, but I will start very slowly and build up pace as I am able to.

[CarryingOn123]

Also, this week I resumed my meetings with my counselor. He asked me to explore my feelings about my wife’s lover. He implied that I need to get it out, otherwise I will become passive aggressive. I talked about all my resentment, and anger. I talked about how that at first he was a non issue, but later when I started thinking about it, I realized how he moved in to take away all that was left of my life after the accident.

 

But now I think, talking about it alone is not going to get rid of the anger or resentment. I will just be talking about it till I am sick of talking about it, and then I will shut up, because there will be nothing more to say- but the negative feelings will be still unresolved. I wouldn’t still get a feeling of justice served. In that line of thought I was considering (this is just a thought at this stage, something that has come up in the last 2 days) suing him for alienation of affection. I haven’t talked to anyone about it yet, but my lay feeling is that I have sufficient cause against him. I don’t know if my wife will corroborate my case (at some stage she had said that she would do whatever I wanted to get better), if she does I will have a devastatingly strong case, but even otherwise I think I have a strong case. I haven’t talked to my lawyer yet.

 

Any thoughts, anyone?

[CarryingOn123]

I also feel that it is time I spoke to my wife again. I don’t know what to say or ask her, but I know that I am more ready to face her now. Should I confront her? if so, what issues should be I confront her about, because there are so many issues. Should I get into the gory details? Or let her control the encounter? I don’t know… I only realize that I cant shy away from it, it has to be dealt with at some stage.

 

It is frustrating asking my consellor about all this, as his response is,"what do you think you want to do?". If I knew, I wouldn't be asking him, would I? Sometimes talking to him makes me want to pull my hair out. sometimes it is helpful.

 

Is there a tried and tested way on how to approach this?

[CarryingOn123]

Unfortunately, I think it all comes down to the lesser of evils.

 

Yes... a default decision might eventually come. The wife might decide to move on while CO is stalled out. So there's a risk there.

 

If that happens, That will be a validation about my views, wouldn't it? Then I wouldn't have any more doubts, will I? In that case I think, I wouldn't ever need to look back again.

[a4a]

It is frustrating asking my consellor about all this, as his response is,"what do you think you want to do?". If I knew, I wouldn't be asking him, would I? ?

 

 

:lmao:

 

sorry no advice- in my own personal hell......but thank you for the giggle!

[CarryingOn123]

Did you mean that you were going to do that even in the off chance that you would get back with your wife? Have you told her/let her know this yet? Is it a firm plan yet, or is still just a thought under consideration?

 

Yes, Thats what I meant. I feel that the best way I can be fair to the child and myself would be to maintain an arms length distance. And no, I haven't talked to my wife about any of this. we haven't come to that stage yet..

 

 

Also, personally, from what I've understood from your postings is that you lost control of your life and now you want to make the decisions and you want to take back complete control of it. (which is OK considering all you've been through).

 

Quite right, I certainly feel that way

 

But you also have to examine yourself to find out that any decisions that you are taking is not just to prove this point (that you are in control). The reason that I felt like this is because of the comment that you made;

 

 

That is what I am trying to do now. but however hard you try, I find you cant be a 100% certain on such major decisions in your life. Maybe it will get better,and every thing will be crystal clear, I dont know. That is why I replied to LJ saying that that situation will make me more certain that I was on the right path.

[CarryingOn123]

Hi 2long,

 

I considered doing this in my own sitch. It depends on which state the OM lives in, as 2 whether you can sue for AOA or no. Last time I checked, there were only 7 states that still have AOA laws on the books. And even in those, you'd be hard pressed 2 find a lawyer willing 2 take on such a case without a sizeable retainer.

 

I dont live in USA, and in my country we do have laws permitting me to do so. I also have a good friend who is a very good lawyer, who I think, will be willing to represent me pro bono. But I havent talked to him yet. as I had said.

 

I don't share that view, exactly, and my W never got pregnant by RM. But at this stage, if she wanted 2 be with him, I'd rather she go and figure out if it's what she wants than try 2 keep her here. Of course, by the time she figured out it WASN'T what she wanted, I'd no longer be interested. It's just been 2long.

 

-ol' 2long

 

This is not about trying to keep her. This is more for me. It is to get back at him for everything he stole from me. It is for all my dreams and hopes and plans about the future that he played a significant part in destroying.

 

IOf course, by the time she figured out it WASN'T what she wanted, I'd no longer be interested. It's just been 2long.

 

-ol' 2long

 

In this case, if my wife didn't want to corraborate with me on this, then I think I will feel the same way

[Outcast]

suing him for alienation of affection

 

Well maybe that would work if she had actually fallen for him but since she dropped him and is saying she never stopped loving you, I doubt you'd have a case.

[Ladyjane14]

But now I think, talking about it alone is not going to get rid of the anger or resentment. I will just be talking about it till I am sick of talking about it, and then I will shut up, because there will be nothing more to say- but the negative feelings will be still unresolved. I wouldn’t still get a feeling of justice served. In that line of thought I was considering (this is just a thought at this stage, something that has come up in the last 2 days) suing him for alienation of affection.

 

You know, your case is a difficult one. I think the best any of us can do is to try to 'walk a mile in your shoes'... to imagine how we might feel if it happened to us.

 

I think if it was ME... I'd be angry too. I'd feel animosity toward the OM who supplanted me when I wasn't there to defend myself. I think it's natual for you to feel that way just now.

 

BUT.... I don't think you're going to feel that way later on down the pike. Six months from now, who knows how you'll be feeling.

 

You said earlier in the thread that you had a religious problem with abortion. That tells me you're a spiritual person. Have you talked to your pastor about any of this?

(I can't remember without reviewing your thread, so forgive me if you've already said... but I'm too beat to look tonight. )

 

If not, why not set up an appointment? Your trauma counselor will certainly be good for asking you things like..."How do YOU feel about it?", but your pastor might actually have some insight to help you soothe your spirit.

 

You know, we all have our own individual beliefs. Mine is that 'Life' is lived so that our souls may become more perfect. People always say, God has a purpose for us. So... I waited around for years for God to make His purpose known to me, thinking it was like some kind of special task that I was meant to do. But these days, I'm thinking it's got more to do with who we are on the inside, than what we get accomplished in our lifetime.

 

As I observe folks I know, I sometimes wonder if I'm not seeing the lesson that needs to be learned in the hurdles they are faced with.

THIS ONE might need to learn tolerance in order to become more perfect, while THAT ONE might do well to learn courage.

 

Not knowing you on a personal level and just looking at the incident itself, I would guess that the lesson is maybe forgiveness or humility.

 

I do think that there's divine purpose at work in each of our lives... but it's such a puzzle to figure out what it all means.

All I'm sure of is that if I were 'walking a mile'.... my crisis would be spiritual in alot of ways.

[whichwayisup]

I also feel that it is time I spoke to my wife again. I don’t know what to say or ask her

 

Well, it's a start - Why not tell her exactly that? You don't know what to say to her, or how to feel about her.

 

Just seems you need more time. All this is still new and you're on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're talking to your therapist again CO123.

[LovingLife]

This is not about trying to keep her. This is more for me. It is to get back at him for everything he stole from me. It is for all my dreams and hopes and plans about the future that he played a significant part in destroying.

 

 

 

In this case, if my wife didn't want to corraborate with me on this, then I think I will feel the same way

 

I dont think it will be avery easy or straightforward decision for her, considering

 

1. that she was the other half of the equation,

2. They were involved for about 6 months or more. so there might be some feelings there.

3. She is carrying his baby

4. She might have some sense of loyalty or guilt to/about him which might prevent her from helping hanging him out to dry.

5. She will on the other hand also have guilt about you.

 

I wouldnt want to be in her situation.

[Guest]

Well maybe that would work if she had actually fallen for him but since she dropped him and is saying she never stopped loving you, I doubt you'd have a case.

 

 

I dont think that is the case. As long as he can substatiate that the OM came between him and his wife, and caused him to lose his marriage as he knew it, I think he can proceed legally. But I think it is better to get a professional opinion.

[Guest]

I dont think that is the case. As long as he can substatiate that the OM came between him and his wife, and caused him to lose his marriage as he knew it, I think he can proceed legally. But I think it is better to get a professional opinion.

 

And that is whee corraboration from your wife plays an important part. If she cooperates, it would be more simple, but if she doesn't then you have a more difficult case.

 

But even then, at the very least, you would know whose side she is on.

[Guest]

Talk about a no win situation!!!!!

[CarryingOn123]

And that is whee corraboration from your wife plays an important part. If she cooperates, it would be more simple, but if she doesn't then you have a more difficult case.

 

But even then, at the very least, you would know whose side she is on.

 

Yep, let her make up her mind. It’s totally up to her. It would be interesting to see.

 

Well maybe that would work if she had actually fallen for him but since she dropped him and is saying she never stopped loving you, I doubt you'd have a case.

 

I don’t know if I can win the case, but there is a pretty strong case to make life hell of a lot difficult for him. Money is really not the issue for me, but it might be a big deal for him.