selfless love is just an illusion

[newbby]

i just read the end of this thread and seriously, i cannot believe what i am hearing. i read the beginning of the thread, a while ago, and i skipped out the middle part. it is very long, but am i getting this right, the op co, is going to sue the om??? am i also getting this right that he wants to take over the role of the father of his wifes child?

i have never heard anything quite so outrageous. oh wait i have. its all about the marriage isnt it. omg!! this is crazy. so the fact that his wife chose to have relations with another man, no matter what the circumstances, or how much stress she was under, and granted she was not in the right frame of mind to make ay decisions, does this mean that the om in this situation has to be punished. well! theres always got to be someone to blame doesnt there? what if its just NOBODYS fault. can anybody in this forum concieve of that??????? what if marriage doesnt mean the be all and end all of life??? what if, sometimes circumstances are just sad, and there is noone to blame. what if it is just sad for all parties??? my goodness, a little bit of love, compassion, and forgiveness just doesnt seem to make any sense if its not down on f***ing paper!!! i doubt most people even understand it.

[Ladyjane14]

I really do understand your anger. I wouldn't bother to spit on the OW who pissed with my marriage IF SHE WERE ON FIRE!

And I have less cause for ill-will than you do, come to that.

 

But unless your wife is weak-minded, no amount of pursuit in the world could have taken her FREE WILL from her. And frankly.... if she IS weak-minded, you need a stronger woman. I don't know you personally, but you read like a strong-willed man. You'll need a woman of equal mettle, or you'll end up walking all over her.

[Outcast]

I think it's awful mean to speak of people as 'weak-minded'. The kind of stress of the man you love being in a coma for MONTHS would take a toll on anybody, even people who imagine themselves to be genuine iron maidens.

 

Fact is that people THINK they would be oh-so-saintly in such situations. Until they are actually in them.

[newbby]

bulls*** lj,

he is angry cause life dealt him a hard blow. understandable. but it isnt always somebody elses fault.

[newbby]

I think it's awful mean to speak of people as 'weak-minded'. The kind of stress of the man you love being in a coma for MONTHS would take a toll on anybody, even people who imagine themselves to be genuine iron maidens.

 

Fact is that people THINK they would be oh-so-saintly in such situations. Until they are actually in them.

 

so true. there would have been a mental shutdown of sorts in such a situation of prolonged stress.

[whichwayisup]

bulls*** lj,

he is angry cause life dealt him a hard blow. understandable. but it isnt always somebody elses fault.

 

The accident was not his fault, but his wife's actions (and choices) are HER fault, not his.

 

She MUST own up to her part in this...

 

Look at Christopher Reeves wife. She did NOT give up on him! I know, the situations are different and some people cannot handle any kind of medical stresses, let alone their loved one in a coma, but 14 months is NOT a long time. She basically made plans with someone else, and wanted her life to go on without her hubby...Then he woke up and has done a 180! So ofcourse it's messed him up royally...The one person he felt he could trust and lean on, wasn't there at all. I don't know wtf went through her mind, but her actions really said alot.

[Ladyjane14]

I think it's awful mean to speak of people as 'weak-minded'. The kind of stress of the man you love being in a coma for MONTHS would take a toll on anybody, even people who imagine themselves to be genuine iron maidens.

 

Fact is that people THINK they would be oh-so-saintly in such situations. Until they are actually in them.

 

bulls*** lj,

he is angry cause life dealt him a hard blow. understandable. but it isnt always somebody elses fault.

 

so true. there would have been a mental shutdown of sorts in such a situation of prolonged stress.

 

So, you girls BELIEVE this chick had no "free will" whatsoever. The guy pursued her and it was somehow incumbant upon her to follow his directives because she was upset. (????)

 

She planned a LIFE with this OM.

She met his family, went on a cruise, made a sex tape. She planned to divorce her comatose husband, marry the OM, and raise a child with him... to make a family. And this was all done in her 'stressed out' moments?

 

C'mon. This went on for MONTHS.

How can it be a lapse in judgement when there's such a directed sequence of events?

 

If this woman just followed along and did whatever she was told... yeah, I'd call that "weak-minded". Nobody has to be an 'iron maiden' to THINK for themselves.

[whichwayisup]

LJ, my thoughts exactly. The wife is NOT in the victim in this situation. That's why I'm having trouble really feeling sorry for her.

[Outcast]

but 14 months is NOT a long time

 

It's an awful long time to go sit by beds. Have you done it? Sat for hours and watched a virtually lifeless body? It's not like visiting a sick person who can at least look at you. Christopher Reeve was unconscious for maybe a week. He awoke and could still speak and was the same guy but couldn't move.

COs wife had no idea how he'd be when he woke up. If he woke up.

 

According to Wiki

Time is the best general predictor of a chance for recovery, with the chances for recovery after 3 months of brain damage induced coma being low (less than 10%), and full recovery being very low.

 

Basically, you're saying she was holding a lottery ticket and should have expected to win.

[Outcast]

Well, guys, just hope you never find yourselves in a horrible situation because I wager you'll not be the sterling individuals you talk about. LJ, isn't it reformed smokers who are hardest on other smokers even when they know what an awful addiction it is?

[newbby]

LJ, my thoughts exactly. The wife is NOT in the victim in this situation. That's why I'm having trouble really feeling sorry for her.

 

why does there only have to be ONE victim? maybe they are ALL victims of circumstance. and they are all human. i dont think you can judge this on christopher reeves wife. you cannot hold up two incidents with similarities and asume they are identical. for one thing, christopher reeves wife probably had all kinds of luxuries that co's wife did not, the support network would have been entirely different. and another thing, people just deal with stress in different ways. yes it is entirely believable that somebody could plan out a life with somebody else as an escape from pain, not fully consciously, but as a response to severe and prolonged stress and unhappiness.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, my thoughts exactly. The wife is NOT in the victim in this situation. That's why I'm having trouble really feeling sorry for her.

 

I'd respect her more if she were taking responsibility for the affair.

 

There was some talk earlier about her "corroborating" CO's case. In actuality, I think that would say something bad about her character... moreso than if she objected to it. In my mind, it would cement the idea that she used this OM and tossed him away. Quite frankly, I can't respect a person who could do that to somebody else.

 

If I had made such a mistake... I wouldn't want someone else taking the blame for it. Even back in the bad ole days, when I was a 'frequent flyer' in mistake-making, I never let other people take a punishment in my stead.

[whichwayisup]

I just wonder what his wife did for help. Did she seek counselling to help her cope? What did her immediate family do to support her? His family reached out to her but it seemed she went on her own way.

 

All I know is, and I can bank my life on this - I wouldn't leave my hubby nor would he me. Maybe 13 years has something to do with it...C0123 and his wife were not married that long before this happened so maybe their marriage wasn't strong enough to hold through it. I don't know, I'm just guessing.

[whichwayisup]

why does there only have to be ONE victim? maybe they are ALL victims of circumstance. and they are all human. i dont think you can judge this on christopher reeves wife. you cannot hold up two incidents with similarities and asume they are identical. for one thing, christopher reeves wife probably had all kinds of luxuries that co's wife did not, the support network would have been entirely different. and another thing, people just deal with stress in different ways. yes it is entirely believable that somebody could plan out a life with somebody else as an escape from pain, not fully consciously, but as a response to severe and prolonged stress and unhappiness.

 

I know their situations are different. I know it's apples and oranges, it's just that she didn't give up on him, and I think if he was in a coma she still would not leave him.

[whichwayisup]

It's an awful long time to go sit by beds. Have you done it? Sat for hours and watched a virtually lifeless body? It's not like visiting a sick person who can at least look at you.

 

Yes I have first hand experiences with this actually. Obviously not my husband, but I do know.

[newbby]

I'd respect her more if she were taking responsibility for the affair.

 

There was some talk earlier about her "corroborating" CO's case. In actuality, I think that would say something bad about her character... moreso than if she objected to it. In my mind, it would cement the idea that she used this OM and tossed him away. Quite frankly, I can't respect a person who could do that to somebody else.

 

If I had made such a mistake... I wouldn't want someone else taking the blame for it. Even back in the bad ole days, when I was a 'frequent flyer' in mistake-making, I never let other people take a punishment in my stead.

 

well it seems she never actually lost love for co, and now that he is alive and well she is desperate to go back to the way things were.

it is no different than all the cheaters who you advise to cut off their ow and focus on their wives only. if it means treating the ow as less than human you seem to have been in favour of this before. what is the difference here?

[newbby]

I just wonder what his wife did for help. Did she seek counselling to help her cope? What did her immediate family do to support her? His family reached out to her but it seemed she went on her own way.

 

All I know is, and I can bank my life on this - I wouldn't leave my hubby nor would he me. Maybe 13 years has something to do with it...C0123 and his wife were not married that long before this happened so maybe their marriage wasn't strong enough to hold through it. I don't know, I'm just guessing.

 

but wwiu, the human mind is only capable of knowing what it has experienced. all you can do is imagine the situation based on snippets of past experience.

[whichwayisup]

well it seems she never actually lost love for co, and now that he is alive and well she is desperate to go back to the way things were.

 

Yes, after she met OM, made plans to build a life with him, got pregnant etc, etc...At that moment she 'was' inlove with the OM, but now says she never was.

 

Apples and oranges...IT is a different situation. Because the BS is well and awake. Just like my comparision of apples/oranges by bringing up CR and his wife...

[silktricks]

I agree with newbby. The situation was terrible for everyone. (I thought he was unconscious for 17 months, when did it turn into 14?)

 

LJ and WWIU, usually I am in complete agreement with the two of you, but not here. I'm not saying that the gentleman who was unconscious wouldn't have my complete and utter sympathy for waking up to a totally different life than he had when he had his accident, but he wasn't the only sufferer. In some ways he had it easier than those who were awake - like his wife.

 

It was a tragedy. There were no villains (or villainesses) just people trying to get through misery and going about it the wrong way.

 

JMO

[whichwayisup]

but wwiu, the human mind is only capable of knowing what it has experienced. all you can do is imagine the situation based on snippets of past experience.

 

That's why I had all the ?'s and the I guess, I don't know's...I am not assuming anything. I have NO clue if she got counselling or leaned on her family for support. All I am saying is, her ACTIONS showed she went on with her life...........Noone can deny that. She made plans. Got pregnant. Was going to be married again...Don't tell me that she didn't know what she was doing. If he hadn't woken up, she probably would have gotten the paper work done so she could divorce and be married.

[Ladyjane14]

...it is no different than all the cheaters who you advise to cut off their ow and focus on their wives only. if it means treating the ow as less than human you seem to have been in favour of this before. what is the difference here?

 

There's no difference.... when and if CO is ever ready to reconcile. In the meantime, we can't ask him to give up the betrayed spouse's option of ending the relationship if he so desires. I am unconcerned with OM except as he pertains to CO's evaluation of his wife's character. I'm unconcerned with the wife for that matter. She's not the one asking for opinions here at LS.

 

I don't believe that a BS owes a cheater another chance. I think they have the absolute RIGHT to opt out of the marriage if they so choose.

 

And.... I think that acting out on his anger toward the OM interferes with his focus just now. The OM isn't important. The REAL issue is in determining if there is any compatibility left between CO and his wife now that they both know how the other deals with adversity.

[newbby]

That's why I had all the ?'s and the I guess, I don't know's...I am not assuming anything. I have NO clue if she got counselling or leaned on her family for support. All I am saying is, her ACTIONS showed she went on with her life...........Noone can deny that. She made plans. Got pregnant. Was going to be married again...Don't tell me that she didn't know what she was doing. If he hadn't woken up, she probably would have gotten the paper work done so she could divorce and be married.

 

it is just not so simple as this wwiu.

thanks silk tricks.

[whichwayisup]

You're not understanding my posts or I'm misunderstanding you Newbby.

 

Ofcourse it's not that simple, I do know that. LJ had it right, she isn't owning up to atleast admitting that she f'ed up. It seems (SEEMS by her actions) that the past XX amount of months she's been living a lie with the OM then. So, she not only has messed up with her hubby, she's led on another man, who now she claims she never loved....

[newbby]

You're not understanding my posts or I'm misunderstanding you Newbby.

 

Ofcourse it's not that simple, I do know that. LJ had it right, she isn't owning up to atleast admitting that she f'ed up. It seems (SEEMS by her actions) that the past XX amount of months she's been living a lie with the OM then. So, she not only has messed up with her hubby, she's led on another man, who now she claims she never loved....

 

i suppose she may be scared. feeling guilty. but more than anything absolutely terrified that she has blown it with co. and hasnt anyone ever loved somebody and in retrospect realised it was not true love? or feelings have changed? or feelings were imagined because of a state of mind?

[Outcast]

Again, people are judge, jury, and executioner of someone behind her back and unable to defend herself or tell her side of the story. And people are still being so judgmental of others not making wise decisions as though they have made nothing but wise decisions their whole lives.

 

Nobody's that smart. Nobody lives a mistake-free life. And therefore people who expect breaks themselves ought to give other folks a break. Go back and read what the wife told the guy about the OM because you're forgetting.