selfless love is just an illusion

[LakesideDream]

I don't know if there is wisdom in an AOA lawsuit. Of course if you would just like a little "payback" that I can understand. Sweeter revenge might be waiting until all this is over and making a little "tape" of your own and posting it to her.

 

You are young and able to move ahead without baggage or remorse. Take the oppertunity to do so! Believe this old guy, don't waste your youth.

[CarryingOn123]

Weekend happened as planned. Had the rendezvous. What can I say... we didnt talk abut anything personal, or one on one. I think she was looking at putting herself between D & me. Making sure D didn't sit next to me at the table and stuff. She put my dad's And Sil's places next to mine while laying the table.

[CarryingOn123]

I honestly dont know where all this is going.... I am tired....I might be overstaying my welcome here, so I'll just say goodnight.

[whichwayisup]

Weekend happened as planned. Had the rendezvous. What can I say... we didnt talk abut anything personal, or one on one. I think she was looking at putting herself between D & me. Making sure D didn't sit next to me at the table and stuff. She put my dad's And Sil's places next to mine while laying the table.

 

It's possible she felt threatened by D. But then again, if D is such a good friend, she's not going to do anything that is going to make your wife worry or feel like she was moving in on you.

 

I honestly dont know where all this is going.... I am tired....I might be overstaying my welcome here, so I'll just say goodnight.

 

Nah, you haven't overstayed at all. Don't think that, ever!

[Guestro]

Yes I was playing the devil's advocate. I'm a small man, a mean little man, who would burn his own orchard to the ground and throw his nose in after; and have, to boot.

However, in your case, your singular case, this one calls for circumspection. The resolution you've hastily made might well result in lasting catastrophe. IMHO you've been robbed of enough.

At least give it a chance. You need no man's justification for anything

[CarryingOn123]

It's possible she felt threatened by D. But then again, if D is such a good friend, she's not going to do anything that is going to make your wife worry or feel like she was moving in on you.

 

D has not tried to move in on me. But she had said that she was interested in me and if I wanted to pursue something with her, then she would be willing. But that she wouldn't try to initiate something when I am not ready. She told my wife this, and also to me. It was when my wife went on her case over the phone some time ago.

[kulyok]

I've been watching this topic, really feeling for your pain, and your wife's. Whatever happens, you have my best wishes.

 

I think with the last post, the situation changed - or, rather, cleared. There is a girl, who told you she might have feelings for you, and who might be willing to have a relationship with you - and you have not turned her away, did not cease any contact with her. I am just an outside observer, but to me it clearly means you are not ready to commit to your wife. You are considering other opportunities.

 

Now that you have not turned the girl away, I would heartily advise you not to lead your wife on. You have suffered enough, and so did she. You deserve someone who will be committed to you entirely, but so does she. This that you are showing her there is another woman waiting for you - and make no mistake, your wife understands this quite well - you are hurting her, hurting so very much.

 

You will make things much easier for her, if you call her one more time and tell her that you have decided to not pursue a relationship with her - ever. For now, she does not realize that. She must - to go on.

 

When you do that, things will be easier for yourself, too. You told us yourself, you are desperately seeking rest and peace, and you will only get that when you and her get closure.

 

If you leave the situation as it is, you are risking to find yourself in a very unpleasant and unflattering position: position of a man who is leading on two women. Emotionally, yes, not physically, but you are doing it. Please, stop. For your own sake, and your soul's, if not theirs.

[Guest]

I dont think he is leading either of them on. Both of them are fully aware of the situation. There is no deception there.

[Sup]

D has not tried to move in on me. But she had said that she was interested in me and if I wanted to pursue something with her, then she would be willing. But that she wouldn't try to initiate something when I am not ready. She told my wife this, and also to me. It was when my wife went on her case over the phone some time ago.

 

Like I said early, almost like revenge, not on YOUR part though;)

[whichwayisup]

D has not tried to move in on me. But she had said that she was interested in me and if I wanted to pursue something with her, then she would be willing. But that she wouldn't try to initiate something when I am not ready. She told my wife this, and also to me. It was when my wife went on her case over the phone some time ago.

 

I do remember you mentioning this in the past, so this is why your wife was upset, or feeling threatened. Women react to this kind of stuff and even though rashionally she hasn't a leg to stand on when it comes to being jealous because of what she's done...Her emotions are making her feel that way, which isn't rashional, it's based on raw emotional reaction...

 

I know D isn't going to make a move on you, but your wife doesn't believe that for one second! So, that is why she made sure D was not seated next to you for dinner.

[CarryingOn123]

But how much can she control that, considering that she is hardly ever with me and D spends considerably more time with me. Actually come to think of it, D is in a much better position to do something like that (not that I think she will do it)

[whichwayisup]

My point really was, during that party, your wife had enough control to make sure D wasn't seated next to you. Ofcourse she can't control what happens when she's not there, which is most of the time anyway.

 

I know you trust D 100%, but the fact she told you and your wife that(more or less, to be blunt -) she will make a play for you at some point when the timing is right - IS a direct threat to your wife. Because you've not 100% made up your mind yet about your wife, signed off divorce papers, I think D should have not crossed that line, it may have been best to keep those thoughts to herself. It hasn't been that long since you woke up and had all the crap thrown at you either. Her expressing her feelings, however it came out, has just thrown abit more confusion into the mix because at some point now you have to consider D's feelings too. Not just yours, and your wifes. Hope that makes sense.

[CarryingOn123]

D was just being the person that she is. She normally just says what she feels like. She didn't want to tell me this, she told me only when I made her tell me about her conversation about my wife. But you are right, I care about D too, so her feelings are also a consideration.

[whichwayisup]

See the thing is, now there is more confusion in the mix, I hope you understand that. As much as D may tell you "if you go back to your wife, I'll understand.." it puts a different spin on things now that you 'know' what she feels for you. That energy is just 'there' waiting.

 

Whatever it is you decide, do it because it's the best outcome for you. Don't feel pressured by anybody...Actually I don't need to tell ya that, but thought I would say it anyway.

[CarryingOn123]

I understand what you are saying.

 

The truth is that when my wife acts hostile or something similar to D, then I feel like defending her. Even last time, after all the underlying drama at the dining table, I sought out D and gave her an impulsive hug, it was more like "dont feel bad" kind of a hug. But I wouldn't have done it if she didnt try to make D feel unwelcome.

[whichwayisup]

I understand what you're saying...And (I may get flamed by others for saying this) but it's possible your wife 'over' reacting because of her past behaviour and whatever her intent was back then, is in her head now - SO seeing D close by you, she thinks the worst, that maybe you'll 'do' to her what she 'did' to you. I don't know...Maybe, maybe not.

[CarryingOn123]

I cant do to her what she did to me. Because currently we are seperated, the formalities are not over only because she chose it to be like that.

[CarryingOn123]

She did what she did while she (in her own words) thought of herself as my wife. While I have some sort of affection to her, and love at some level, they are anything close to husbandly.

[Guest]

I understand what you're saying...And (I may get flamed by others for saying this) but it's possible your wife 'over' reacting because of her past behaviour and whatever her intent was back then, is in her head now - SO seeing D close by you, she thinks the worst, that maybe you'll 'do' to her what she 'did' to you. I don't know...Maybe, maybe not.

 

I think she is overreacting too, It's her insecurities. her actions might be the reason that she is feeling like that.

[Sup]

Like I said early, almost like revenge, not on YOUR part though;)

 

 

I rest my case. And the funny thing is, you didn't have to do ANYTHING!

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

CO123, I wanted to ask you something.

 

Even though you are not interested in pursuing something romantically with anyone right now, I wonder if it is the presence of D that is preventing you from taking that extra step towards your wife. D could be like your saftey net, you might be wondering albeit unconciously why you need to go through the pain with your wife and take the risk with your wife when there is someone else safer. I wonder if you would have been more approachable to her reconcilliation efforts if it were for the presence of D.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

CO123, I wanted to ask you something.

 

Even though you are not interested in pursuing something romantically with anyone right now, I wonder if it is the presence of D that is preventing you from taking that extra step towards your wife. D could be like your saftey net, you might be wondering albeit unconciously why you need to go through the pain with your wife and take the risk with your wife when there is someone else safer.

 

I wonder if you would have been more approachable to your wife's reconcilliation efforts if it were not for the presence of D.

[Bufzookie]

I really don't know how to start this, I'm pretty new to this site. This is the third post I read on here and I was just taken back. It is almost like I can feel what you went through, Even though I have never came close to such a situation. wow.... Well, I don't want to tell you to go forget about your wife and move on....and I don't want to say give her another chance. Just do what you feel is right. It must be very hard for you to have all these things going on at once. From all the things you have said on here and all the emotion, confustion and pain, I feel like I need to hug you!!! I know, me saying.... I'm here for you doesn't mean much....Cause you have TONS of people on here who support you and wish you the best. But I wanted to express how touched I am by your story and what you have been through.

I wanted to share with you something that I realized myself recently. My infidelity experiance made me see clearer. Instead of looking at it as ...I'm not good enough, or I've been replaced or anything negative, I look at is everything happens for a reason. I hope you find some kind of comfort in this saying as I did. Times when you think you feel lost or confused just think about why It happened the way it did.

 

"God shows us what pain really is so that when good times eventually come, you learn to appreciate them better then you could before."

 

Whatever happens to your relationship is up to you hun! Just remember that your here now. Given such a wonderful chance to live life again. Your so lucky!!! Take one step at a time and try living from moment to moment. I'm sure you already are though!! Your doing great and I really look forward to reading about what else is going on. Again, you really touched my heart!!

 

~Bufzookie~

[CarryingOn123]

Yes I was playing the devil's advocate. I'm a small man, a mean little man, who would burn his own orchard to the ground and throw his nose in after; and have, to boot.

However, in your case, your singular case, this one calls for circumspection. The resolution you've hastily made might well result in lasting catastrophe. IMHO you've been robbed of enough.

At least give it a chance. You need no man's justification for anything

I am holding my horses now. Most people adviced me to take it slow, and I felt that was good, sane advice, and that is what I am doing now. I am not making any decisions, even if I want to.

 

Can you elaborate a bit more on your thoughts, or offer some insight on how you would have handled this situation. what is the catastrophe that you spoke about??/

[CarryingOn123]

I've been watching this topic, really feeling for your pain, and your wife's. Whatever happens, you have my best wishes.

 

I think with the last post, the situation changed - or, rather, cleared. There is a girl, who told you she might have feelings for you, and who might be willing to have a relationship with you - and you have not turned her away, did not cease any contact with her. I am just an outside observer, but to me it clearly means you are not ready to commit to your wife. You are considering other opportunities.

 

Now that you have not turned the girl away, I would heartily advise you not to lead your wife on. You have suffered enough, and so did she. You deserve someone who will be committed to you entirely, but so does she. This that you are showing her there is another woman waiting for you - and make no mistake, your wife understands this quite well - you are hurting her, hurting so very much.

 

You will make things much easier for her, if you call her one more time and tell her that you have decided to not pursue a relationship with her - ever. For now, she does not realize that. She must - to go on.

 

When you do that, things will be easier for yourself, too. You told us yourself, you are desperately seeking rest and peace, and you will only get that when you and her get closure.

 

If you leave the situation as it is, you are risking to find yourself in a very unpleasant and unflattering position: position of a man who is leading on two women. Emotionally, yes, not physically, but you are doing it. Please, stop. For your own sake, and your soul's, if not theirs.

 

Thanks for your wishes, Kulyok.

 

I didn't think that I was leading on either of them. I told my wife that I didn't want to continue the relationship in as final terms as signing the divorce papers. I am just taking everybody's advice, and also her request not to make that decision now. If I am forced to make a decision now, there are no surprises there, and she knows it. So I am not leading her on there.

 

And D, She is there as a friend, and I like her being there as a friend. She knows my situation and my feelings as I talk to her a lot. She offers herself as a friend, and I accepted that. She knows that I am not thinking about any romantic relationships now. So I am not leading her on too. Are you saying I should heve declined her offer of friendship, because she harbours some latent feelings for me. I dont think that she herself has actually explored those feelings.

 

But you are right that i am not in a place to commit to my wife or anyone else for that matter. I am wary, and cautious- once burned, twice shy... Twice burned, ............