CarryingOn123 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 You know.... I think that if you could have things your way, you'd turn back the clock and put things back the exact way they were before your accident. You're a highly intelligent man though, and you KNOW that it's not possible to do that. At least... you know it in your head. But I'm wondering at this point if your heart really knows it. (????) .................... I just don't like the idea AT ALL of you taking any responsibility in this decision. No matter how you slice it, if you return to the marriage, this is going to be yours to deal with in some form or fashion. The clock CANNOT be turned back. The head knows it, but I think maybe the heart still hopes. hmmmm..... I know... and I realise that.. I had written the same thin myself some time back. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Your SW is reading you well, and I'm willing to bet she knows enough about you to understand what it is that your REALLY want. Oh, She knows me very well.. probably more than I know myself.. . I told you that we considered each other soulmates. Now the situation is that she knows me well, and I feel that I dont know her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 You want it back the way it was. Toward that end, she's offered first to terminate her child, and now to give it away.... all based on what YOU want. She's attempting to put a decision into your hands that's not yours to make. And IMHO, it's not even a little bit fair to put that kind of pressure on you. I don't think she's doing it deliberately mind you, but still... it's undue pressure. hmmm.... You avoided the trap neatly earlier when it was a matter of terminating the pregnancy.... but ALREADY she's said to you, 'why didn't you tell me to do it?' While I can't call it blame-shifting, I have to admit, I don't like ANY inference that you had a hand in IF this child comes into being or not. It wasn't your call. You did the gallant thing and made no attempt to influence the decision, yet suddenly now it's.... 'how come you didn't tell me to get an abortion'.???? In some ways it seems to me that she is FOREVER waiting for other people to tell her what to do and not taking charge of her life. Even now she wants you to tell her if she should keep her own child or not. Hey.... YOU didn't get her into this problem, why is it suddenly up to you to decide on how she's going to get out of it? I dont think she is trying to deliberately trap her. It is more like someone bargaining to give up something for something that they want- but trying anyway to see if they can get it without giving anything up Do you realize what a HUGE trap she's laid here for you? Not that I think it's a deliberate machination on her part, but still... I think it's a trap for all that. If you were to agree to take her back on the premise that she gives her child up for adoption or settles legal rights upon the father... I think it would be a mistake of GARGANTUAN proportions. Marriage is long. And there are so very many hurdles even for people that don't carry these kinds of emotional burdens. Often enough, we're disappointed or put out with our partner over one thing or another. Most of the time, we're talking molehills and we overcome them. Magnify those molehills with the loss of a child though.... and each one becomes a mountain. Every small bump on the road will be viewed by one or the other of you through THIS lens. ie. You forget your anniversary... "Well how dare he? I gave up my BABY for him!" Are you willing to wonder every year on the child's birthday if your wife regrets her decision, or if she secretly blames YOU for it? When she looks at other people's babies and a sad expression crosses her face, how are you going to feel? All those thought have come to my head as well.... it is a very tough situation.. one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Even if you go on to have kids of your own, won't you feel a little bit haunted by the idea that there's another one out there somewhere who didn't have benefit of his/her mother growing up? I believe that people who adopt are people who are desperate to have the child and would love it ar their own, so the kid will not be without the benefit of a mother, even though it is not the biological mother. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Anyway, my advice to you is to give it another month or so.... and then proceed with divorce. I think the ONLY way you can really be certain that you have not affected your SW's decision is to take your hat out of the ring in terms she can understand as final. (Of course, there's nothing stopping you two from getting back together at some point down the road, provided that neither of you have moved on... lot's of folks end up doing that.) But I don't see any short term resolution that won't leave you in a position of assuming responsibility (or blame) for what your SW decides about her child. The only solution I can see is that you get yourself out of the decision-making vicinity I fully appreciate your advice on removing mysef from any decision making capacity regarding the kid.. and, as a matter of fact that is what I was thinking of myself. I dont want to make the decision, let her make whatever decision without my input. But about the divorce... If I were to do it, why did you suggest I wait a month... If I were to do it in a month, it might as well be now...what was your thought process? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 But about the divorce... If I were to do it, why did you suggest I wait a month... If I were to do it in a month, it might as well be now...what was your thought process? Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz? You've had the ability to take immediate control of this decision all along, Dorothy. Yeah, I admit it... if it was me, I wouldn't have hesitated. I'd have filed within a week of learning the facts. But then again, I don't espouse to the romantic notion of "soulmates". She knows me very well.. probably more than I know myself.. . I told you that we considered each other soulmates. My husband an I have been together for over a quarter century. And what I've learned in our long-standing relationship is that love is a CHOICE. When we remake that choice every day and decide that we are going to love our partner in an active way... we are successful. When we don't, we have problems. I have no evidence whatsover of some divine 'pairing' planned by God. But what I do know is that He has granted us free will. So... it stands to reason that we can do as we like with it, and He will observe us and observe the choices we make. I find it difficult to believe that EACH one of us isn't important to Him as an individual and not just a male or female half of a greater whole. So, since I have no evidence and no inclination to adopt a "soulmates" belief, I reject the notion utterly. And since I don't believe DIVINE INTERVENTION is going to solve the problems inherent to my relationship.... that leaves me, getting up off my duff and getting the job done. And I like it that way. It reminds me to stay engaged in the process. (You know, sometimes it's not EASY to keep loving the person we signed on to love. There are days you have to work at it. ) Anyway, when I suggested that you wait a month, it's because I'm not sure your heart has caught up with your head. I think you need to be able to 'let it go' and I don't think you'll do it until you're ready. Unfortunately, I also think that in order for you to "get out of the decision-making vicinity", you need to take continuance of the marriage off the table, so TIME becomes an issue. At this point, I think maybe a bit of a self-imposed time limit might encourage you to reevaluate your ideals on love in a goal-oriented way. The "soulmates" question is a good place to start, IMHO. Because if you embrace it, divorcing your SW means that you have separated yourself FOREVER from your soulmate. But if you reject that particular philosophy... you are free to be an individual, and to invest in ANY partner you find worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I don't trash the belief in soulmates yet. By soulmates I dont mean some magical connection or someone predestined- to me soulmates are people with that intense connection with each other. That is either because they work on it, or it comes to them naturally. I said I believed us to be like that before, But I dont feel like that with her now. But like you said, divorce may be the way to go, although I wont make that decision till she gets to talk to me again. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 This is very interesting. Think about this for a moment. What you are saying is true, certainly. Having an affair is a choice. Thus, not a mistake. But if you read here and else where long enough, you'll hear most FWSs say that they couldn't control themselves, that it "just happened", and that it "was a mistake." Kind of like light behaves like a particle and a wave. Really, I think she will realize this someday, but perhaps can't fully right now. I really didn't understand what you were saying (your point). Were you saying I was right and agreeing with me or were you saying I was wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I finished the first part of the consultancy project that I had taken up. They are happy about it, even though we have yet to go in detail about it. I think I can go into the second phase soon. Also my accountant told me that he can put me to other companies who might require my services. That is a promising proposition. If this works out then I will probably have a more rewarding career than I had before. Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I had a check up yesterday and the doctor is happy with my progress. He said he wanted to admit me for a day sometime next week to do a more comprehensive test and to monitor brain response, etc. That is supposed to be either on wednesday or thursday- the exact date will be confirmed on monday. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Cool news on both the consultant project as well as the check up. I bet it feels pretty good to be developing your career potential and getting some things accomplished in your field. Keep us posted on how your talk with SW goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 I had a check up yesterday and the doctor is happy with my progress. He said he wanted to admit me for a day sometime next week to do a more comprehensive test and to monitor brain response, etc. That is supposed to be either on wednesday or thursday- the exact date will be confirmed on monday. Are they going to scan for any abnormalities, x-rays? Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 Are they going to scan for any abnormalities, x-rays? I dont think they are going to take any x-rays. They will be scanning me to check if there is any residual clots etc, and also they will be monitoring electric impulses from the brain. It will be a pretty comprehensive test, but I dont think they need any x-rays, as this is not a fracture anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 25, 2006 Share Posted September 25, 2006 Good Luck and God's Speed in all things. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 CO123, are there any updates?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
CarryingOn123 Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Hi, Been a while. I thought I'll give every one a break from me :-). Updates:- Decided to proceed with divorce. Told her.. Told her again... told her yet again.... What precipitated it was her response to my request to put her in my shoes and tell me why I shouldn't be with her.. (earlier post)..Well, she came back and was going through the same things again- how we can make it, and that I should take her back, etc... She didn't give me any straight forward response to my request.She wanted to keep on meeting up with me, and I told her that meeting up is not going to get us anywhere as we were not going forward, so what is the point of just meeting up. I told her that I wanted divorce and that it was final (my decision). She said she will give the baby for adoption, and for me not to pursue the divorce now. I told her that is not the issue and what she does with "her baby" is her decision, but I want a divorce. She has not agreed yet. My lawers told me that it would be easier for both of us (and faster) if it was a joint petition/decision, that is why I was trying to make it like that. But if it comes to that I will ask my lawyer to file the petition in my name only. The preliminary hearing for the AOA happened, and the case has been registered and a date will be set soon. His lawyers came up with a reidiculous settlement figure (approx equvalent to US$ 70K) which my lawyer didnt respond to. After the case had been registered, they increased it to the equvalent of the equivalent of $ 220K, which was again refused. (we have filed for the equivalent of US$ 1.3 mill, this is just the claimed figure which we are not expecting to be awarded- realistically we think that the ifgure that may be awarded will be between 400-500K). so that is where the case is at. Well that is the synopsis of what has been happening with me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 I hope you feel some relief, and all this gives you closure so you can move on with your life CO. I'm not sure why your soon-to-ex-wife can't put herself completely in your shoes, but I'm betting it's the guilt of what she did, and now she's suffering the consquences of her actions. I'm glad you did an update and don't disappear for so long this time! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 You will one day regret this with every bone in your body. And it will be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 You will one day regret this with every bone in your body. And it will be too late. this must be the wife Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 You will one day regret this with every bone in your body. And it will be too late. I agree, wholeheartedly! Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 You will one day regret this with every bone in your body. And it will be too late. If YOU are really CO123's wife, then at least ask YOURSELF without keeping yourself in an illusion, what would YOU do if the circumstances were reversed? I have a feeling, not one thing different. By the way, just so YOU know, you can no longer control your husband! He has taken control of HIS life! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 You will one day regret this with every bone in your body. And it will be too late. If this is her, I think she should take the time to read his FULL thread, from start to finish...Maybe then you'll get an understanding of what has been going on inside his head. I don't think he's going to be full of regret at all. His life is just starting, for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 CO123, you should know, that because of this outcome, your SW as you call her, may attempt to "drag" her feet, to delay the inevidible. Just to forewarn you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 If this is her, I think she should take the time to read his FULL thread, from start to finish...Maybe then you'll get an understanding of what has been going on inside his head. I don't think he's going to be full of regret at all. His life is just starting, for the better. WWIS: I really don't think she even cares what has been going on in his head. I imagine that she is already up to speed on the current information. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I really don't think she even cares what has been going on in his head Well, because of that then, she hasn't ever had a chance in heck to get back with CO. The fact she cannot put herself in his shoes or answer any of his questions that he needed answers to, just shows how warped her thinking is, or she's just not willing to make any changes in herself, admit her mistakes. I think he's doing the right thing, and soon he'll be better off. Less stress! Link to post Share on other sites
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