selfless love is just an illusion

[CarryingOn123]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I wanted to give you guys an update on what’s happening. Since I wasn’t feeling to well, I didn’t come online. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ll give you guys a brief update on what happened, and what she said. I am not writing my feelings, but only what she told me. I am still processing my feelings. As anticipated it was an emotionally and physically draining experience.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well, I met her, yesterday .. at a mutual friend’s place. I actually went about half an hour early, so that I could talk to the friend and ease myself into the setting, but when I reached there, she was already there. She hesitated for a couple of seconds but then rushed across and hugged me and told me that she is very happy that I am recovering. We had a cup of coffee with the couple (our friends). She was still holding my hand after hugging me, but I wasn’t comfortable with it so I excused myself to go to the toilet and when I came back I sat opposite to her. I think everyone noticed that but no one said anything. The conversation was about my progress and recovery as well as some updates about a couple of our friends.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well, after this they let us into their back deck, and left us alone. We both sat there for sometime without saying anything. Finally she said that she knew that I had a lot of questions and that she wanted to tell me what exactly happened. I told her that I really wasn’t looking for answers but will listen if she wanted to tell me. She told me that it is very difficult for her to tell me all this and painful for me to hear, but that she will be honest with me. I nodded.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is the jist of what she told me. The other guy is the brother of one of her girlfriends, and she met him at their house. They met each other a couple of times over a few months at the friend’s place and nothing else were going on. She told me that he later told her that he used every opportunity to see her and invited himself to his sister’s place every time he knew she was coming. She realized that he was keen on her, but she told me she didn’t feel that way about him, but that she found him to be a nice guy and interesting to be with. In a couple of months she considered him a friend as well, not just the brother of a friend, and he used to come and hang out with her frequently, sometimes as a group and sometimes alone. It was like that, till last December end, when she slept with him. She said she still didn’t consider him anything more than a good friend, and that she told him that as well. And that they continued to sleep together after that, getting together once or twice a week. She told me that even then she wasn’t romantically involved with him. This was till she went to a get together at his sister’s (her friend’s) house. He was also there. She said there was a storm and they decided to stay back to avoid the rain & storm. She told me that the two of them shared the spare room that night, and they had unprotected sex for the first time. This was in end of April. She told me that she let him do that only because she thought she was on her “safe days”. Well, she became pregnant after that encounter. She found out she was pregnant in a couple of weeks, and told him. He was happy about it and thought it was great, and asked her to marry him, as he was obviously keen on her for quite a long time. She then decided to keep the baby and try to love him. And that is when she filed official papers to end our marriage. She said then she asked him to move in with her, as she wanted to make a sincere effort to love him back. She knew that I had come to the house and seen his things there, as I had taken my stuff from the garage. She told me that she packed all my things and our pictures and stored it in the garage because, event though she knew it would be difficult to reciprocate his feelings, it would have been impossible with her living in our old environment. She told me she was sorry that I came to the house and found my stuff in the garage. I told her I came to the house and wandered around the house and saw that he had replaced me, and I saw my stuff in the garage and then left with my stuff. She was sobbing and told me that she was so sorry and that I should know that no one can ever replace me. I then told her that I saw the tape, and that I was sorry to have invaded her privacy. She was very visibly distressed and was in tears for a long time. She told me that she was sorry that I had seen it. She said that she was hoping that I hadn’t seen it. She told me she did it only in May to try and bring some feeling of intimacy between them. She wanted to try to feel more for them as a couple and that is why she did it, (because it was a wonderful experience for us when we did it).[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She was asking me to forgive her and that she never meant to hurt me; that she didn’t know if I would have woken up. She said she would have never made that decision if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, and she regretted it every waking moment. She told me that they are having separate bedrooms now and she had asked him to find a place of his own as soon as possible. I told her that was her business and she didn’t have to tell me any of that. She asked me to forgive her and not to hate her. I told her both of those things I have done. I admitted I had all those negative feelings for her briefly but I had forgiven her and I no longer harbor any hatred towards her. I told her I wished her all the best and that’s why I drew up the divorce documents, so that she can carry on with her new life and I could move on with mine. She told me that she didn’t want to move on from me, and that she made a mistake, and that she only wanted to have a life with me. I told her that the only way I could have dealt with all of this constructively was to let her go, and that’s what I did- and that if I hadn’t let her go I didn’t think I could bear to sit there talking to her.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] She was crying and knelt beside me, taking my hand and was telling me that she will do anything for me, and to please give her another chance. I felt nauseous at the close physical contact, and I felt I would throw up. I told her that I was exhausted and was feeling weak and sick and couldn’t get into all that now, and that I needed to leave. She immediately stopped and wiped her tears and asked me if I was Ok to travel or if I wanted to rest a while and that she would go in if I wanted to be alone. I told her that it was ok, but that I needed to leave. We went in and saw the host couple. I could see that they were anxious to know how our talk went but they didn’t ask me anything. I had a glass of juice inside and felt a little bit better, and then asked my friend if he could drop me off. My wife offered to drive me, but I joked that I wanted to spend sometime alone so that we could talk “guy stuff” that I couldn’t ask him in front of his wife. I saw that everyone realized I was avoiding going with her, but he told me he would be happy to drive me. I gave his wife a hug and she told me that they were very happy that I was back, and to take care of my health and “that was the important thing now”. I told her I would. My wife didn’t try to hug me or anything, but was looking at me trying to gauge what I wanted. I leaned across and shook her hand, and told her to take care. I guess she was hurt that I did that, but I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just wanted to wish her bye, and not just walk out nodding at her. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My friend drove me to my brother’s place where my sis-in-law was waiting for me. And we had dinner thee and drove back to her parent’s place. This was yesterday, and I am still emotionally drained from it all. I would give anything just to make it all go away. I don’t want to think about anything. I just want to go away to faraway place.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I don’t think I will be posting for the next couple of days. It was a big effort to sit and write all this. I will probably read your messages and posts, but I don’t think I will be in a state of mind to write anything.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[CarryingOn123]

I wanted to give you guys an update on what’s happening. Since I wasn’t feeling to well, I didn’t come online.

I’ll give you guys a brief update on what happened, and what she said. I am not writing my feelings, but only what she told me. I am still processing my feelings. As anticipated it was an emotionally and physically draining experience.

Well, I met her, yesterday .. at a mutual friend’s place. I actually went about half an hour early, so that I could talk to the friend and ease myself into the setting, but when I reached there, she was already there. She hesitated for a couple of seconds but then rushed across and hugged me and told me that she is very happy that I am recovering. We had a cup of coffee with the couple (our friends). She was still holding my hand after hugging me, but I wasn’t comfortable with it so I excused myself to go to the toilet and when I came back I sat opposite to her. I think everyone noticed that but no one said anything. The conversation was about my progress and recovery as well as some updates about a couple of our friends.

Well, after this they let us into their back deck, and left us alone. We both sat there for sometime without saying anything. Finally she said that she knew that I had a lot of questions and that she wanted to tell me what exactly happened. I told her that I really wasn’t looking for answers but will listen if she wanted to tell me. She told me that it is very difficult for her to tell me all this and painful for me to hear, but that she will be honest with me. I nodded.

This is the jist of what she told me. The other guy is the brother of one of her girlfriends, and she met him at their house. They met each other a couple of times over a few months at the friend’s place and nothing else were going on. She told me that he later told her that he used every opportunity to see her and invited himself to his sister’s place every time he knew she was coming. She realized that he was keen on her, but she told me she didn’t feel that way about him, but that she found him to be a nice guy and interesting to be with. In a couple of months she considered him a friend as well, not just the brother of a friend, and he used to come and hang out with her frequently, sometimes as a group and sometimes alone. It was like that, till last December end, when she slept with him. She said she still didn’t consider him anything more than a good friend, and that she told him that as well. And that they continued to sleep together after that, getting together once or twice a week. She told me that even then she wasn’t romantically involved with him. This was till she went to a get together at his sister’s (her friend’s) house. He was also there. She said there was a storm and they decided to stay back to avoid the rain & storm. She told me that the two of them shared the spare room that night, and they had unprotected sex for the first time. This was in end of April. She told me that she let him do that only because she thought she was on her “safe days”. Well, she became pregnant after that encounter. She found out she was pregnant in a couple of weeks, and told him. He was happy about it and thought it was great, and asked her to marry him, as he was obviously keen on her for quite a long time. She then decided to keep the baby and try to love him. And that is when she filed official papers to end our marriage. She said then she asked him to move in with her, as she wanted to make a sincere effort to love him back. She knew that I had come to the house and seen his things there, as I had taken my stuff from the garage. She told me that she packed all my things and our pictures and stored it in the garage because, event though she knew it would be difficult to reciprocate his feelings, it would have been impossible with her living in our old environment. She told me she was sorry that I came to the house and found my stuff in the garage. I told her I came to the house and wandered around the house and saw that he had replaced me, and I saw my stuff in the garage and then left with my stuff. She was sobbing and told me that she was so sorry and that I should know that no one can ever replace me. I then told her that I saw the tape, and that I was sorry to have invaded her privacy. She was very visibly distressed and was in tears for a long time. She told me that she was sorry that I had seen it. She said that she was hoping that I hadn’t seen it. She told me she did it only in May to try and bring some feeling of intimacy between them. She wanted to try to feel more for them as a couple and that is why she did it, (because it was a wonderful experience for us when we did it).

She was asking me to forgive her and that she never meant to hurt me; that she didn’t know if I would have woken up. She said she would have never made that decision if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, and she regretted it every waking moment. She told me that they are having separate bedrooms now and she had asked him to find a place of his own as soon as possible. I told her that was her business and she didn’t have to tell me any of that. She asked me to forgive her and not to hate her. I told her both of those things I have done. I admitted I had all those negative feelings for her briefly but I had forgiven her and I no longer harbor any hatred towards her. I told her I wished her all the best and that’s why I drew up the divorce documents, so that she can carry on with her new life and I could move on with mine. She told me that she didn’t want to move on from me, and that she made a mistake, and that she only wanted to have a life with me. I told her that the only way I could have dealt with all of this constructively was to let her go, and that’s what I did- and that if I hadn’t let her go I didn’t think I could bear to sit there talking to her.

She was crying and knelt beside me, taking my hand and was telling me that she will do anything for me, and to please give her another chance. I felt nauseous at the close physical contact, and I felt I would throw up. I told her that I was exhausted and was feeling weak and sick and couldn’t get into all that now, and that I needed to leave. She immediately stopped and wiped her tears and asked me if I was Ok to travel or if I wanted to rest a while and that she would go in if I wanted to be alone. I told her that it was ok, but that I needed to leave. We went in and saw the host couple. I could see that they were anxious to know how our talk went but they didn’t ask me anything. I had a glass of juice inside and felt a little bit better, and then asked my friend if he could drop me off. My wife offered to drive me, but I joked that I wanted to spend sometime alone so that we could talk “guy stuff” that I couldn’t ask him in front of his wife. I saw that everyone realized I was avoiding going with her, but he told me he would be happy to drive me. I gave his wife a hug and she told me that they were very happy that I was back, and to take care of my health and “that was the important thing now”. I told her I would. My wife didn’t try to hug me or anything, but was looking at me trying to gauge what I wanted. I leaned across and shook her hand, and told her to take care. I guess she was hurt that I did that, but I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just wanted to wish her bye, and not just walk out nodding at her.

My friend drove me to my brother’s place where my sis-in-law was waiting for me. And we had dinner thee and drove back to her parent’s place. This was yesterday, and I am still emotionally drained from it all. I would give anything just to make it all go away. I don’t want to think about anything. I just want to go away to faraway place.

I don’t think I will be posting for the next couple of days. It was a big effort to sit and write all this. I will probably read your messages and posts, but I don’t think I will be in a state of mind to write anything.

[Outcast]

You probably should have thrown up. You are still trying to stuff down your grief and your being upset but your body was trying to make you feel them. You felt 'ill' when she cried, etc. because what you really wanted to do was burst out in sobs but you forced yourself to not and that, IMHO, was a mistake.

 

You are pushing her away because you don't want to process all the pain and facing her makes you do that. But I think that were you to allow yourself to go fully into that pain and come out the other side, you two could go on to have a great relationship.

 

I think you've been through an awful lot and that you need to definitely work with a counsellor to process everything - the accident, the loss of a year and a half of your life, the situation with your wife - everything. And that you need to allow yourself to let go. I know it feels like if you actually gave way to all the pain you'd shatter into a million pieces, but you won't. It will be cathartic. Do it with the help of a counsellor if you're afraid to do it alone.

 

Your wife showed poor judgement, but some people are very bad at being alone and she was feeling a huge gap with you gone and tried to fill it but went about it all wrong. People in distress don't know what to do to fix themselves and so try really foolish things. You avoid pain, she tries to fill in her pain by using a bandage.

 

Nobody gives you lessons on 'how to deal with horrible life situations' which is why so many people mess things like that up so badly.

 

I wish you'd seen her alone someplace where there weren't observers. You need to weep together and mourn together. And then get past this together.

[burning 4 revenge]

hey buddy, at least you were in a coma. my gf would f*ck other guys when she thought i was asleep on the couch

[grateful]

You probably should have thrown up. You are still trying to stuff down your grief and your being upset but your body was trying to make you feel them. You felt 'ill' when she cried, etc. because what you really wanted to do was burst out in sobs but you forced yourself to not and that, IMHO, was a mistake.

 

You are pushing her away because you don't want to process all the pain and facing her makes you do that. But I think that were you to allow yourself to go fully into that pain and come out the other side, you two could go on to have a great relationship.

 

I think you've been through an awful lot and that you need to definitely work with a counsellor to process everything - the accident, the loss of a year and a half of your life, the situation with your wife - everything. And that you need to allow yourself to let go. I know it feels like if you actually gave way to all the pain you'd shatter into a million pieces, but you won't. It will be cathartic. Do it with the help of a counsellor if you're afraid to do it alone.

 

Your wife showed poor judgement, but some people are very bad at being alone and she was feeling a huge gap with you gone and tried to fill it but went about it all wrong. People in distress don't know what to do to fix themselves and so try really foolish things. You avoid pain, she tries to fill in her pain by using a bandage.

 

Nobody gives you lessons on 'how to deal with horrible life situations' which is why so many people mess things like that up so badly.

 

I wish you'd seen her alone someplace where there weren't observers. You need to weep together and mourn together. And then get past this together.

 

 

 

I have to disagree. I just don't think "getting past this together" is a good goal for CarryingOn right now. His relationship with his wife is second to his recovery. It hasn't been very long; I think he just needs to take care of himself. Denial is a big part of grief. It is a temporary measure of self protection. If he isn't strong enough right now to deal with the waves of emotions he will definitely have for the loss of his marriage - then he should just go about focusing on himself right now. If it had been a year since he regained conciousness, yours would be very good advice. But his "systems," physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, are all very delicate right now. He owes his wife nothing right now. She's made her choices and she'll have to learn how to deal with them. He can only think about himself - for right now.

 

CarryingOn - thank goodness you have your family. Take good care of yourself. This is an unimaginably cruel situation you find yourself in. My thoughts are with you.

[Outcast]

I was more thinking that grieving together would benefit both, not that it would necessarily be for her benefit. I think it would actually help him more to stop trying to hold back - to let go enough to be able to let go with her.

[Mz. Pixie]

His relationship with his wife is second to his recovery. It hasn't been very long; I think he just needs to take care of himself. Denial is a big part of grief. It is a temporary measure of self protection. If he isn't strong enough right now to deal with the waves of emotions he will definitely have for the loss of his marriage - then he should just go about focusing on himself right now. If it had been a year since he regained conciousness, yours would be very good advice. But his "systems," physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, are all very delicate right now. He owes his wife nothing right now. She's made her choices and she'll have to learn how to deal with them. He can only think about himself - for right now.

 

CarryingOn - thank goodness you have your family. Take good care of yourself. This is an unimaginably cruel situation you find yourself in. My thoughts are with you.

 

I can see this, but I also partially agree with Outcast. I think she's just not good at being alone.

 

I personally think what she said is a bunch of bull. I think in reality she loves Carrying on- she perhaps doesn't love this other guy. She wants carrying on- but she "carried on" without him while he was in a coma out of selfishness. She didn't even have the decency to admit that. I was hoping that she would and that she wouldn't make excuses. But she did. She sat there and told him that she just had sex with this guy- but that she didn't feel anything for him.

 

I would have had much more respect for her if she would have just said yes, I was weak, yes I did it, and I beg you to forgive me. Instead of making it sound like she was a plain victim in all of this and just drug along with the tide.

[blind_otter]

Carrying, maybe you should try writing letters.

 

I split up with my exH when he went to federal prison. Not the same, he wasn't in a coma, and there were some other reasons since our marriage wasn't perfect.

 

But I continued to write letters back and forth to him after he went in to prison. It's been 2 years and we still communicate. But somehow, communicating through letters allowed both of us to work through the bitterness and pain of the end of our relationship. Maybe because we didn't have to hear each others voices, or see each others faces, and writing helps to organize my thoughts and I can edit and re-read as needed without the emotional component of interaction.

 

And I do think a grief counselor could help you. Grief is not just about the death of a loved one. It can come from a long illness, from losing a loved one through separation, from a drastic life change. You are experiencing ALL these things.

 

Even if you do not feel like you want to talk to a counselor there are online support groups for people dealing with grief and you could talk to others dealing with similar life changes.

[Outcast]

if she would have just said yes, I was weak, yes I did it, and I beg you to forgive me

 

Well she did, I thought.

[KLG]

Knowing myself the way I do, I would move forward with the divorce if it were me. The lack of loyalty and dedication is heartbreaking. He put his life on the line for her and this is the s**t sandwich that was served to him. Maybe thats why he felt like throwing up. I wouldn't want her near me either.

[grateful]

I was more thinking that grieving together would benefit both, not that it would necessarily be for her benefit. I think it would actually help him more to stop trying to hold back - to let go enough to be able to let go with her.

 

I think I read too much into your post that he needs to work on his relationship in order to make progress, of some sort, on the relationship itself. Sorry!

 

I do agree with you that he will have to face his grief and work through it - - but I guess I just don't think he has to do it right now. His body might be defending itself by giving him these warnings (wanting to throw up, etc) to get him away from going too deep right now. The poor man - I just can't even imagine! I think if anyone is justified in taking slow, baby steps through a grieving process it is CarryingOn (and preferably with support systems like grief counseling either solo or in a group).

 

I read the debates in this thread about whether or not she was weak and/or selfish. I agree that we shouldn't judge this woman, we don't know what we'd do in that situation. But I also think that CarryingOn does not have to accept her in his life. If he doesn't want someone who wouldn't stand by him for 1 1/2 years then I think that's really up to him.

 

My father died almost 6 years ago. My mother still considers herself married to him. She tried dating, with my blessing even though it is hard for me too but I want her to be happy. She couldn't do it. It felt wrong to her. She tried and just couldn't stop feeling married to my dad. I don't blame CarryingOn for wanting that kind of love in his life. He deserves it - he is the kind of man to offer his life up to save the woman he loves. People say they will do it but if they were put in that situation they might not. He did. He's proven to be the kind of person who can love like that and if he wants to move on to find someone who would do the same for him, I think that is a perfectly reasonable choice.

 

Keep at it CO! At your own pace in your own time... you've got a lot of hard work to do and you are doing remarkably well, all things considered.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well she did, I thought.

 

Well I think she did, but it that was the time disclaimer at the bottom in between all the other stuff. Sort of hidden in between all the rationalizing she did and explaining away and trying to make it like it wasn't that big of a deal.

[Guest]

CarryingOn, I think you are handling this very well. Nobody can tell you what you should do or how you should feel. I don't even know what I would do if I were in your shoes. Your wife is feeling a lot of guilt and regret for her mistakes. She did not cheat on you while you were concious. To me that is a lot more unforgiveable.

 

I am not making excuses for her either although to some degree I can understand that her life was on hold and she did not know if you were going to recover. It's easy to speculate what we'd do if we were faced with the same circumstances but we don't really know for sure what it is we would do.

 

She was alone and feeling guilty. She wanted to feel closeness and love again. To that extent I can understand. She made some big mistakes.

 

But I do believe she truly loves you and I am a believer that loves conquers all.

 

I would be angry and bitter but as time goes on I would allow myself to heal. I am concerned for you that you are stifling the normal healing process. It's only been six weeks. It takes a lot longer to recover from heartbreak than six weeks.

 

I also second going to Counseling alone for a while then going with her. You may not like that idea but a Counselor can help you go through the grieving process and if there is love still there, don't give up on it.

 

You have been handed lemons. You can either choose to make Lemonade or you can choose to swallow a bitter pill.

 

Whatever you decide I do wish you the best. Keep talking to her, don't shut her out just yet.

 

And if you believe in God, do pray.

[crazy_grl]

It seems like your wife loves you, but she also sounds weak. I suppose if I was you, the main thing that would affect how I feel about her was whether I thought she was weak all along or whether it was the sudden loss of you so effectively meeting her needs that caused her to be so weak.

 

There's a lot for you to think about and a lot for you to process. I don't think you can make a decision at a time when you're still blocking it all out.

 

If I were you, I would wait and see how you feel later and see what your wife does. If she were to split with this guy without knowing whether you'll come back, then I'd take her more seriously. On the other hand, if she were to keep him around and string him along until you decide, then I'd have a hard time believing she was genuine, because I think it's selfish to be with someone you don't really love, baby or no baby. To me, if she needs to keep him around as a back-up when she doesn't love him, it would be a sign of her weakness.

[Guest]

If I were you, I would wait and see how you feel later and see what your wife does. If she were to split with this guy without knowing whether you'll come back, then I'd take her more seriously. On the other hand, if she were to keep him around and string him along until you decide, then I'd have a hard time believing she was genuine, because I think it's selfish to be with someone you don't really love, baby or no baby. To me, if she needs to keep him around as a back-up when she doesn't love him, it would be a sign of her weakness.

 

Dont you think that that is what she should be doing about the baby as well, and not ask him what to do. He said that he cant accept the baby, but should he tell her that? I dont know... But I guess if she wants to do something about it, then she should because she will soon pass the time by which she can have a safe abortion.

 

I wish you all the best CO123

[Guest]

To the OP, I really think you should get in touch with a publishing firm and turn your story into a movie or a book. I'm not trying to make light of it, but wow, this is gut wrenching and other people could learn something about selfless love from you.

[Sup]

To the OP, I really think you should get in touch with a publishing firm and turn your story into a movie or a book. I'm not trying to make light of it, but wow, this is gut wrenching and other people could learn something about selfless love from you.

 

But he should get ALL the money from it, If it does!

[crazy_grl]

Dont you think that that is what she should be doing about the baby as well, and not ask him what to do.

 

If he were to take her back while abortion is still an option, then I see no reason why she shouldn't consult with him about whether to keep the baby. He is her husband.

 

Unless you have strong feelings about abortion, then I don't think whether or not she gets one says much about her strength of character like whether or not she'll stay with a man she doesn't love as a security blanket.

 

He said that he cant accept the baby, but should he tell her that?

 

I think that's a good question you should ask yourself, CO123. If it were me, I wouldn't tell her unless I knew I wanted to be with her. If I were unsure or thought I didn't, I would let her decide on her own, without any input from me. It would be unfair to lead her toward an abortion by saying, "I can't be with you if you have another man's child" when you might decide not to be with her later.

 

But then some people may see it as unfair to not tell her, because you don't let her know she has to choose whether she would rather have the baby or a chance at being with you.

 

Just something to think about when/if you're feeling strong enough to consider these things. But if you're not feeling up to that, then you don't have to be right now.

[veronese]

I feel terribly sad for you to be going through this, what happened to you was truly a tragedy.

 

I've read as many posts I can on this thread and I think what you've written confirms that the title of your post is fairly accurate....selfless love is just an illusion.

 

I have never been in either yours or your wife's shoes and can't confidently guess how I would behave in your situations.

 

However while your wife clearly hasn't honoured her vows, "in sickness & health, for better, for worse, til death do you part etc..", neither have you.

 

Yes, she screwed up, big time, but she seems to still love you and wants to be with you and seems genuinely remorseful for her foolishness.

 

She's made a mistake and is asking for your forgiveness. She still wants to be your wife DESPITE the fact that she's pregnant by another man, will have to face indefinite reprisals, criticisms and judgements from your friends and family, and most importantly, seems prepared to continue being married to a man who she loved very much before the accident, as continues to love now but who most likely will take a long time to recover from what has happened.

 

To have woken up after 17months in a coma to such a heartbreaking situation must be devastating for you and I understand why you feel as you do.

 

BUT if you loved her unconditionally, if you had that 'selfless love' you accuse her of not having, maybe you'd want to attempt to save your marriage.

 

I honestly don't mean to sound insulting CarryingOn but you aren't willing to stick around when the going gets tough either are you?

 

I hope things get easier for you,

 

Take care

 

veronese x

[Guest]

CO, please keep us updated. I am on the seat of my chair wondering what is going to happen to you and your wife. As if it matters, I really hope you both can work something out.

[Ladyjane14]

Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge.

It might be an emotional reaction, but I wouldn't want my spouse back under these conditions.

 

One reason is that I agree with MzPixie, who said that the wife's explanation sounded like "excuses". I feel kind of sorry for the OM, who must be feeling minimized at this point and worried about what's going to happen to his unborn child. From what the wife told CarriedOn in their meeting together, it sounds like the OM really loves her.

 

And this is what bugs me about the whole thing. CarriedOn is in a coma and his prognosis is uncertain. The wife moves on and gets into a relationship with another man.... in essence, ditching her husband.

 

Now that CarriedOn is on the mend, she offers to leave the OM, who fully expected to have a life with her and to raise a family together. She's even said that she would terminate his child if that's what it takes.

 

That's TWO guys ditched.... and two promises broken.

 

Now, I'm not usually given to a whole lot of sympathy for guys who sleep with other guy's wives, no matter what the circumstances. But it seems to me that she used this OM to help her feel better about her situation. She was in a difficult and confusing place when she allowed the relationship to become romantic, true. But that doesn't explain what she's doing NOW. In offering to toss this guy and his child aside.... she's breaking another heart, hot on the heels of the one she just broke.

 

In the end, I'm with Grateful. It's too soon in your healing, CarriedOn. You need alot more time before you deal with all these weighty matters. Why not prioritize your recuperation for right now? Everybody else has had 17 months to get accustomed to life's changes. You've had ZIP.

[Sup]

I feel terribly sad for you to be going through this, what happened to you was truly a tragedy.

 

I've read as many posts I can on this thread and I think what you've written confirms that the title of your post is fairly accurate....selfless love is just an illusion.

 

I have never been in either yours or your wife's shoes and can't confidently guess how I would behave in your situations.

 

However while your wife clearly hasn't honoured her vows, "in sickness & health, for better, for worse, til death do you part etc..", neither have you.

 

Yes, she screwed up, big time, but she seems to still love you and wants to be with you and seems genuinely remorseful for her foolishness.

 

She's made a mistake and is asking for your forgiveness. She still wants to be your wife DESPITE the fact that she's pregnant by another man, will have to face indefinite reprisals, criticisms and judgements from your friends and family, and most importantly, seems prepared to continue being married to a man who she loved very much before the accident, as continues to love now but who most likely will take a long time to recover from what has happened.

 

To have woken up after 17months in a coma to such a heartbreaking situation must be devastating for you and I understand why you feel as you do.

 

BUT if you loved her unconditionally, if you had that 'selfless love' you accuse her of not having, maybe you'd want to attempt to save your marriage.

 

I honestly don't mean to sound insulting CarryingOn but you aren't willing to stick around when the going gets tough either are you?

 

I hope things get easier for you,

 

Take care

 

veronese x

 

Why are YOU blaming him for HER mistake!? She's the one who messed around, got Pregnant, and made a SEX tape with OM! What's WRONG with YOU?! He has a right to not want to be with her.

[Trimmer]

Why are YOU blaming him for HER mistake!? She's the one who messed around, got Pregnant, and made a SEX tape with OM! What's WRONG with YOU?! He has a right to not want to be with her.

That's not how I read versonese's comments, although it is easy to react that way to them... Her point is similar to something that I've been wanting to comment on, but I couldn't figure a gentle way to do it.

 

I started to allude to it when I commented on the OP's "lost innocence", and asked him whether he really believes the subject line ("selfless love is just an illusion") or whether it was just a bitter, sarcastic statment. It sounds like he still believes in selfless love between partners, but my comment is that I don't believe that way any more.

 

Selfless love is between parents and their children. Everything else - including love between spouses - is conditional. Conditional on fidelity, conditional on absence of abuse, conditional on meeting emotional needs, conditional on consciousness. I used to think the love between my wife and me was selfless and unconditional, then I lost my innocence.

 

While given the context of the OP's situation, I may be as uncomfortable as you are with the bluntness of veronese's assertions, I agree with them. Not in saying that the OP's situation is his own fault - I don't agree with that, and I might well be as firm in refusing to take back my wife in the same situation as he is - but in saying yes, I have also learned that unconditional, selfless love between spouses is an illusion.

 

And I don't blame him for it, but he is an example, just as his wife is. There are spouses who wake up one morning and discover that their partners have cheated - for some pretty lousy reasons - and still find enough love to take them back. (I am one - and my wife asked me "if I had gotten pregnant, would you have taken me back and raised the child together?" Maybe she did and terminated it and never told me...) Some get driven to a breaking point, and there's no shame or blame in that, especially when you are anguished and as messed up as the OP is.

 

If selfless, unconditional love is only that way up to a point, it really isn't completely selfless and unconditional, is it? The question is, where is your own breaking point? Everyone's is different. The wife reached hers, the OP reached his. It isn't a question of all right or all wrong. It's a question of where each one found their breaking point.

 

One of the most agonizing things I learned from my divorce was that my fantasy of selfless, unconditional love was just that - a fantasy. That doesn't make me a bitter guy going forward. As a matter of fact, I believe that as painful as my losing that innocence was, that I have a more realistic view of relationships going forward, and I look forward to a more realistic, and more intimate relationship somewhere in the future.

 

CarryingOn - I'm not for a minute criticizing you. I believe I understand, and I won't tell you I think you should or shouldn't take her back - that's a personal decision, and I would respect you either way.

[Chinook]

One of the most agonizing things I learned from my divorce was that my fantasy of selfless, unconditional love was just that - a fantasy. That doesn't make me a bitter guy going forward. As a matter of fact, I believe that as painful as my losing that innocence was, that I have a more realistic view of relationships going forward, and I look forward to a more realistic, and more intimate relationship somewhere in the future.

 

Oh God Trimmer. I wish I hadn't read this.

 

I read it and I actually started weeping. It's taken me a long time since my breakup to work out exactly what it is that is holding me back. But in the last couple of weeks, I was trying to work out what it is... and just now, this realisation just hit me.... that the fantasy (as you call it) of unconditional, selfless love is gone now... and almost certainly it is never to be replaced. You know why...? Because I simply cannot go there again... not with him and not with anyone. In addition to this, I realised also that the hope of a future reconciliation died too. Simply because neither of us could go there again, not even with each other. That dream is gone, shattered into a million fragments and hard to replace ever again. In addition to that, although it places a more realistic outlook inside us to approach future relationships... that illusion, that faith, that deep resounding connection will never quite make it to that level again. That's a pain which I've needed to face for a long time and I wanted to say thankyou. It hurts, but thankyou anyway.

 

[Trimmer]

Oh God Trimmer. I wish I hadn't read this.

 

I read it and I actually started weeping....

 

....That's a pain which I've needed to face for a long time and I wanted to say thankyou. It hurts, but thankyou anyway.

I'm sorry, and you're welcome, and I'm sorry some more. And now I'm crying too. I call 2005 "the year I lost my innocence," and I know that sad feeling that I'll never go back to the way I was before. Like going from childhood to being an adult, or a graduation - you have before you a whole new world, with advantages and opportunities and potential, but it's bittersweet that you'll never quite see things through those eyes again.