LaraV Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 I had a disturbing conversation with a male friend of mine where he told me that after his ex was finally "over" him and she stopped begging and asking "why" he felt relieved - it really was an ordeal for him - because he had been worried about her condition, but also frustrated that she couldn't let go, BUT he also admitted that he felt his "pride" hurt a bit that this girl was finally over him. I almost flipped out. I've known this couple for a long time and I know the girl had a horrible time with the break up, and I thought he'd be happy to know that she's finally OK with it, especially because it was hard on him too! Is this really how it is? Contact for the dumpers is still some way to stroke the ego? So now I'm curious, when you've been the dumper or the dumpee, how did you feel about keeping in contact with the ex? I know when I dumped someone I was with for years I felt like I was dying, especially when he would contact me and promise me that he would change. I never felt like my ego was being stroked. I just felt miserable at the situation. I was the dumper and it still felt horrible. Of course, now that I'm on the other side of the fence and my ex left me I know the pain doesn't compare one iota; being left is indeed much much more painful, but I can't really comment on how I feel as the dumpee because I've not had contact with him, even when he sent me a friendly e-mail. But now I'm just curious as to how - when there is in fact, contact, how does it make the parties feel? Is it really just an ego boost for the dumper? And just abject misery for the dumpee? Is it really that unbalanced? Link to post Share on other sites
wonderingmind Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 But now I'm just curious as to how - when there is in fact, contact, how does it make the parties feel? Is it really just an ego boost for the dumper? And just abject misery for the dumpee? Is it really that unbalanced? It's been two weeks for me. I waited a week the bagged up a few things of his and took them over to him. I felt horrid. He looked so pathetic and sad. S'okay, though. We'll both move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 I ve been the dumpee. Its hard for both parties. Its natural for humans to go and `find`what they have lost. The problem is when love is involved then this becomes more complicated. Love is like an obsession. When you finally realise you are about to lose something you fight to get it back. You get obssessed. You want to fight for what you might lose or try really hard to win back what you lost. In all efforts made to get back what you lost will look a tad desparate. The problem here is with each individual is that some tend to fight more than others. When my ex dumped me, my brother did ask how many times I`d emailed, texted or telephoned mty ex. To be honest it was quite a bit. In fact okay, it was a lot. It can be like you said, `fustrating` for the dumper. Its very stressful to have someone chase after you. No one is attracted to that. However it does give the dumper a bit of a boost, but not to everyone. For most couples contact will be very complicated especially if one party still have feelings towards the other. I know for a fact that when I still contacted my ex, it was a huge burden on her. Why? Well, imagine if where to text, email or phone the person that dumped you, and they where with their new partner. It might give them a bit of a boost, but its stressful for them and their new partner. Is it an ego boost? Hard to say. Depends on the individual. Its more of a male thing. (although not to all of us males I might add) It can be misery for the dumpee, because if you still have contact, and you still contact the dumper. If you still have feelings for them then you sometimes worry why they are not replying to you, so you then contact them again by telephone, text or whatever, and it goes on and on. It`s hard for the dumper too you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflying Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 I'm not sure I understand the quesion...but I'll give it a try. Contact after a break up is difficult for both people involved. 1.)The dumper is taking a risk of getting their ego bruised if the dumpee has forgotten about them. In most cases, seeing that the dumpee has moved on is an indication that the relationship didn't mean much to the dumpee. It doesn't matter if it's a rebound relationship. The dumpee starts to wonder if the dumpee truly cared. 2.)If the dumpee truly is having a difficult time moving on, contact with the dumper will make them feel worse if the dumpee continues to be cold. It's like driving the nail in deeper. And if the dumper is nice, it gives the dumpee hope for reconciliation, which in most cases, turns out to be false. 3.)Contact ultimately makes it harder for both parties to move on for obvious reasons. Rather contact is an ego thing, or a hope thing, in order to truly break up, contact has to stop. Otherwise, they will both be disappointed, or hurt. Breakups suck! And if both people can't handle no contact, they shouldn't break up. Link to post Share on other sites
LaraV Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Breakups suck! And if both people can't handle no contact, they shouldn't break up. I guess it all boils down to this, uh? I guess I'd like to think that when my now ex broke up with me, he realized that breaking up does have the possible implication that I'll never want to talk to him again, and that he may have lost me for good. I know that when I've been the dumper that fact is what made it hard. It took my a whole year to break up with an ex I was engaged to precisely because I couldn't come to terms with the idea that I would lose him for good. So I guess it's scary to think that my ex thought about that, and at some point he really thought that it was OK to lose me, otherwise why would he have broken up with me. Wow, it's sad to think about that. But it's interesting to see how different people have felt when they've remained in contact. I'm interested to hear some others' experiences.... Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Speaking as both a dumper and a dumpee, contact immediately after the breakup is a no-win situation. It slows the healing process of both parties. After a significant length of time, however, (say, at least a year), then it's not so bad. Depends on the couple though, the nature of the breakup, and how strong their new relationships are. Link to post Share on other sites
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