Is it too soon to move in together?

[Guest]

I have met this amazing guy and have been dating him for 5 weeks now. We are inseperable. We both knew that this is different from anything we have ever expirenced before. We do everything together and he spends nearly every night at my place or me at his. His lease is up in October and we have talked about moving in together. I have friends that say go for it as they haven't seen me this happy and others that say it's too soon. But my question is..who decides what is too soon? I didn't realize there was a timeline for love and who decides when the time is right for things to work. So should I go with my heart and do it? I mean really...worse case is we move in together and if things don't work we go our seperate ways right? I'm 29 years old and not new to the relationship life but I feel that I'm constantly doing things based on a timetable that society controls.

[agnf666]

Honestly, no one really knows for sure when things are the right time. If you feel comfortable with him enough to do it then I would say go for it. If you think it is right. This is a decision you have to make. If it doesn't work out then you two and go your seperate ways. Just becareful on the lease you sign and what bills are in what name. You have to make sure you watch your back incase things don't work out in the long run. So, becareful.

 

I think it should go fine.

[The slayer]

....You do.

 

I know three people who moved in with their partners very quickly in their late twenties/early thirties.

 

• 1 is happily married 6 years on
  
• 1 had a hugely traumatic relationship that dragged on for several years before she got out
  
• and 1 declared the relationship a faliure after 9 months but sucessfully moved on having learnt a lot about themslves and what they need from a relationship.

On the whole moving in with your partner due to circumstance is not the best reason and going your seperate way when you live with someone is probably not as easy as you might imagine.

 

Despite that living together can be a really good way to get to know someone. I do think you would need to be very honest with yourself about whether or not it is working for you fairly early on, so, why not let him stay with you for three months and agree to make a decision about whether he finds a new appartment or not after that? That would give you Christmas to get through, if you manage that I'd say you were onto a winner!

[Outcast]

The problem is that some men who appear the epitomes of perfection at first turn out to be abusers or worse. You do NOT want to live with someone until you've known him enough to find out whether he's got some serious flaws and you never see them in just a few weeks if a guy's intent on getting you.

 

And don't give me you 'know' he's wonderful, etc. Very smart women have been as convinced as you are that they 'knew' the men - only to end up in grief.

 

This is not about 'timetables that society controls' but rather hard experience won by making exactly the kind of mistake you're about to make. It's also about the biology of 'love' . Use your favourite search engine and look up 'oxytocin' and Dr. Helen Fisher together and inform yourself about what biology does to humans to get them to procreate.

 

If you love each other, the love will last beyond the initial chemical infatuation stage.

[norajane]

To me the question isn't about WHEN to move in with someone, but IF and WHY I'd be moving in with them in the first place. Just because a lease is up is not a good reason to move in together, IMO.

 

But, my views are based on the fact that I believe unless we're getting married, I don't see the point of living together. I lived with someone once and it really is harder than you think to just move out if things don't work out.

 

Living together makes the relationship much more intense, and in some way, much more mundane. Sharing space with a lover isn't the same as a roommate; expectations are different and the realities are different, too. It requires a lot of neogtiation and compromise and work...and frankly, I don't see the point in going through all that unless the lifetime commitment to each other is the reason for doing it.

[konfuzd]

The time is right when you have both passed gas in front of eachother. Until then, it's too soon.

 

 

Good Luck!

[Sally00]

I honestly think you should wait till marriage to move in together. If ya'll end up breaking up, it'll hurt a hell of a lot more. And you have to change your whole living arrangement and all that crap.

 

Plus, if you're gonna act like you're married, why don't you both just get married?

[lovestruck234]

I think do what you think feels right...

 

Do you know for sure that you love him? Do you know for sure that if you have hard times that you will try your best to get through them? Do you know for sure that if something does happen between you both, what will happen from there?

 

I know that I don't like to think about those things, but I've got to. My bf and I aren't living together at this stage but are talking about it. And this is 6 months into a relationship.

 

If you know that you love this guy and are going to commit, then hell yeah, do it.

 

But moving in with someone is a really big step. Just make sure you think about it and talk to your bf about it too. Sometimes the reality doesn't kick in till later with what a relationship is really like.

 

You would obviously know that it's not all sunshine and pretty flowers.

[SoleMate]

Gosh, if I say it's too soon, am I just a kneejerk member of society with a harsh, arbitrary timetable trying to control your life?

 

But my question is..who decides what is too soon?

You do. We give advice if you ask for it.

 

You already know what the reasons for moving in are. The reasons against it would include the fact that it makes breakups more difficult. At 5 weeks, you can't be more than 90% sure of the kind of man he is. I'd rather hold out for 99.75%.

 

Whatever you do, do not give up a good lease or other valuable right in a tough rental market. If you think that exiting the arrangement is possible, then have an exit plan worked out, that covers finances and other practicalities. Be aware of financial liabilities (like his phone usage) that you may be incurring.

 

Moving in together is like Marriage Lite. You know that it's way too soon for the commitment of marriage...so you just have a lightweight commitment of temporary cohabitation. You get into it without really considering whether he is a life partner or where you want your life to go. But you have many of the obligations of marriage...like loss of privacy and autonomy. Women often end up cleaning and cooking for the male partner. Yet you don't have many of the benefits of marriage.

[Outcast]

At 5 weeks, you can't be more than 90% sure of the kind of man he is

Oh gee! I'd not go as high as 90! They haven't travelled together, managed money together, gone through hard times together. She maybe could know 40 or 50% if that.

[vampress1]

I agree with much of what has been written... you have to do what feels right. These kinds of decisions are always a gamble. You roll the dice and hope things work in your favor.

I can tell you that my husband and i moved in with one another after 2 weeks. I know it's not the norm, but we felt very strong very quick. We knew that it might be a problem with our families and many of our friends gave us the "jeez, you guys are moving a bit fast" lines. It worked for us... we have been together for 4 years and married for one. I'm not sure if this helps or not... For me, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and I didn't want to wait for the rest of my life to begin. We talked to our families (both very conservative), explained our intentions and got their blessings. My father (ultra conservative) justified it for himself as a financial move... *shrug* whatever it took to ease his discomfort!!

Best of luck!!

[timidity99]

I have met this amazing guy and have been dating him for 5 weeks now. We are inseperable. We both knew that this is different from anything we have ever expirenced before. We do everything together and he spends nearly every night at my place or me at his. His lease is up in October and we have talked about moving in together. I have friends that say go for it as they haven't seen me this happy and others that say it's too soon. But my question is..who decides what is too soon? I didn't realize there was a timeline for love and who decides when the time is right for things to work. So should I go with my heart and do it? I mean really...worse case is we move in together and if things don't work we go our seperate ways right? I'm 29 years old and not new to the relationship life but I feel that I'm constantly doing things based on a timetable that society controls.

 

 

Answer is never move in. It is always too soon. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is now and carry on the status quo. Moving in together will likely mess up your relationship. I don't plan to live with any women in my life at all. Your best bet is to live next door to each other and spend the weekends together.

[john2776]

Breaking up with someone when you already live together is extremely difficult. I do not recommend moving in together after 5 weeks. I made that mistake myself a few years ago and my life was hell for a long long time. When you want to move in together do it for the right reasons and after you know each other properly.

 

In the initial stage of a relationship I think it is much more fun not to live together - it gives breathing space and the ability to get to know each other without any pressure.

[Walk]

I think most the pro's and con's have been listed already, but wanted to give my take on it.

 

I moved in with my bf earlier than I probably should've. I wasn't too concerned about societies views on it.. but what I miss is the "dating". The anticipation, the waking up in their apartment (or yours) and feeling that rush of excitment that your there.

 

If he's "the one", then why rush into settling into the relationship? Take your time and really enjoy all the facets of dating. It really doesn't take long for living together to become routine, and "normal". Those little rushes you get when you wake up next to him aren't evident after a while because of course you're going to wake up next to him... you live there.

 

If you want to live together, then do so. But if he is the one, and this is the forever relationship, then take your time. Enjoy every moment for what it is, and don't feel like your going to miss out on something if it's not done right then. Living together becomes routine (sometimes ho-hum) rather quickly. Live this time like this is the last time you will ever "date" again before moving in with someone.

 

Thats my advice. I wish I'd "dated" longer before moving in. I miss that time.

[littlekitty]

You're going to get both sides of the coin here. At the end of the day, the only person who can decide what to do is you.

 

For me personally, I agree with the posters who point out that at 5 weeks while you might feel you know your bf well, you don't know him as well as you think you do. It's not a bad thing, it's just natural. People are able to show their 'best' side in a relationship and keep it up for quite some time. Again, that is pretty natural and hard not to do. Of course we want to be seen at our best by our partner! The trouble is, it can take at least 6 months or even longer for people to show their true colours. I'm not saying he's going to turn into a monster! Just that he might have some bad habits, or something that you really can't live with, or offend you.

 

I waited a year before moving in with my SO, which I believe was about right.

[Jas]

Not that it's very much longer, but I just wanted to point out the the OP stated they'd be moving in together in October, so that would be after about 4 months of dating rather than 5 weeks.

 

Ditto to all the warnings everyone else has listed.

 

I feel similarly to Walk, because I too miss some of those dating days. There aren't many good reasons to skip out on those early, innocent days! Take advantage of them for as long as you can.

[morrigan]

Whatever you do, do not give up a good lease or other valuable right in a tough rental market. If you think that exiting the arrangement is possible, then have an exit plan worked out, that covers finances and other practicalities. Be aware of financial liabilities (like his phone usage) that you may be incurring.

 

This is great advice, regardless of how long you date someone. I agree that people are on a relationship rush when they first get involved; it's really easy to be oblivious to minor bad habits or major issues.

 

Why not just take your time and enjoy yourself for a year or more before making big decisions? Stay over at eachother's places on weekends or when you're not working, take vacations together, get to know both of your families and how you deal with finances and messy bathrooms.

[Buttaflyy]

Oh gee! I'd not go as high as 90! They haven't travelled together, managed money together, gone through hard times together. She maybe could know 40 or 50% if that.

 

I initially wanted to say go for it as SO and I moved in together rather quickly and are still together a year later :love: But 5 weeks! Thats really not enough time to get to know someone well enough!! My "rather quick" move was closer to 5 months.

 

I agree with Outcast in this statement.

[rina_r]

I had an experience when I moved in with my b/f after 2 weeks of dating. It was good and bad: good bc i learnt what kind of person he really was (and after 8 mo i left him), bad - i felt like i was intruding into his life. But we lived 10 hrs away - there was no other choice.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I think most the pro's and con's have been listed already, but wanted to give my take on it.

 

I moved in with my bf earlier than I probably should've. I wasn't too concerned about societies views on it.. but what I miss is the "dating". The anticipation, the waking up in their apartment (or yours) and feeling that rush of excitment that your there.

 

If he's "the one", then why rush into settling into the relationship? Take your time and really enjoy all the facets of dating. It really doesn't take long for living together to become routine, and "normal". Those little rushes you get when you wake up next to him aren't evident after a while because of course you're going to wake up next to him... you live there.

 

If you want to live together, then do so. But if he is the one, and this is the forever relationship, then take your time. Enjoy every moment for what it is, and don't feel like your going to miss out on something if it's not done right then. Living together becomes routine (sometimes ho-hum) rather quickly. Live this time like this is the last time you will ever "date" again before moving in with someone.

 

Thats my advice. I wish I'd "dated" longer before moving in. I miss that time.

 

Very good points walk. I was going to say to the OP "why not" but after 3 months with my bf, I still get very excited all day long before I go to see him and spend the night.

 

I've never cohabited, and may never do so until I get married again, if ever.