How do I fix it

[Bill P]

First the background.

 

My wife and I have been together 10 years (married 7). We have been happy the whole time and I thought unconditionally in love. Of course, we had disagreements but nothing we never remidied right away. We have a two and half year old that is just about as good natured and well behaved as I have ever seen.

 

When the baby was born my wife experienced some post partum depression and I had a difficulty with the change of life experience as well. This was the first problem we ever had that was major, but I still never felt as if we were over or even close to it. Now, here is the bad part. I just let my wife assume most of the domestic duties over the last 2 1/2 years. Putting that aside, I was still a good husband and father I just sort of let things pile up on her to-do list.

 

About 2 months ago My cousin and her best friend separated and filed for a divorce. My wife and I naturally sided with our our respective peers, which caused some minor anguish but nothing we weren't dealing with. Then about three weeks ago we had difficult argument about a second child. I had a hard time believing she wanted to wait (even though I suggested it just weeks before). Since then my wife has been wanting to talk and spend a lot of time with her friends and less with me. We talked about my shortcomings in the domesticate department and I am making a concerted effort to help out alot more. She still seems to be withdrawing. I feel as if my marriage is the last throes of a breakup. Keep in mind we were always best friends and always thought of each other first. No niether of us are perfect but we did anything and everything for each other. Now all of sudden she has this new found individuality. She says she still loves me and that we are meant to be together always, yet so many small things I pick up on suggests otherwise. She seems to be valuing her self over us. We talked tonight and she finally explained how she felt she has some envy for my flexible work schedule and is harboring resentment for lack of domestic helpfulness. She says I have indeed changed in this arena and that what I am doing is helping.

 

But now I feel like a lap dog that is just watching the kid and cleaning up everyday so she can go for walks or day trips with her friends. I don't feel it ois a true partnership anymore. She says she just needs to decompress over the last couple of years of my lack of help in domestic matters. Yet tonight she also mentioned she was extremely happy before yet she does not want to go back to that loss of control in her life. My thought is if she was happy and I can fix my shortcomings and start helping out doesn't it make sense to back?

 

What can I do to fix it this? We have couseling scheduled for tonight. I figure four outcomes.

1 - I become a lap dog and stay that way

2 - She goes back

3 - we divorce

4 - she accepts my help and i make a concerted effort to continue helping with domestics.

 

Help!

[Walk]

I'm not seeing how you've become a lap dog if all you're doing is taking over the chores you'd put on her shoulders for the past 2 and a half years? Unless there's more you're doing that isn't in the post.

 

You've been doing these chores for a few weeks? And already you feel resentful? How would you feel after nearly three years of doing that? While she goes on walks, and does other things...

 

I know you put in a lot of hard work and effort in those two and a half years, and you probably didn't realize how it was affecting your wife at the time. However, now that you do know how difficult it is, and how much it absolutely SUCKS to watch your partner go out and relax while your stuck at home.... think about how you'd feel after nearly 3 years. The way you make it sound... it still sounds like everything is about you. I think that's what she is pulling back from. You come across as being selfish. You're view is on how it affects you. You say you feel bad for putting your wife in that position, and you're willing to carry your weight now... but you're complaining about how hard it is on you. I think you're focus is off kilter. I thought the reason you were taking over more responsibilites is so that you're wife could be happier. So that she wouldn't be carrying an undue burden. I thought you wanted to give your wife some time to be happy, and re-learn why she loves life and loves you....

 

Instead you sound as though your already resentful of her "new" freedom, and you're ready to dump the responsibility back in her lap.

 

That's how it sounds to me. I'm not saying you think that way.... but when we convey a message, it has to come across to our audience the way we intend it to. If it isn't, then you need to change the words, or the tone in order to convey the message you want sent. If you seek comprimise, then communicate with that in mind. If you seek to make her happy, then give that message. But the one you send right now sounds selfish, and self-serving. And I think some of your problems are being caused by this miscommunication.

 

I'm glad your going to go talk to the counselor. Make sure you listen... Your wife is going to probably say unkind words. Realize she's still angry, and it takes time to work through that. Look at the long term goal, and work toward that... don't focuse all your attention on the short term hardship. Its short term. You won't be picking up all the slack forever. Once she feels she is able to get some respect and appreciation from you consistently, and that you aren't going to snap it away again, then the fairness and comprimise will return. Until then... you have to build trust that you won't bail out and leave her with the pieces. Trust takes time. Work toward the long term goal of a happy, long-term relationship.

[whichwayisup]

In 2 1/2 years, has she had a night out alone with girl friends? Has she had time to have ALONE time? Have you offered to take your child for the day and let her have a day to herself?

 

Keep the lines of communication open, go to marriage counselling and learn how to talk and really "hear" eachother, not just put spins on what each of you "think" the other person is thinking or feeling.

 

I'm sure this isn't an easy time for you, but it's a bump in the road. You and your wife WILL get through this! Both of you have to decide NOT to let life get in the way and ruin your marriage. Work together on this, please consider marriage counselling - It can only help.