Question for the guys

[Cathy1]

Dear guys,

as you might guess, I need male perspectives on this one:

 

After 3 months of no contact initiated by the girl, and after several in vain attempts of breaking it-by the guy, the girl decides to contact the guy again with a casual text message.

 

Since it has been more than 3 months, she is afraid that he might not answer the text message, since SHE has been ignoring HIM all this time. However, he answers readily and accepts the communication. She re-initiated the communication in order to give him «the green light» that it is ok for them to start to slowly communicate again.

 

However, although he readily accepted the first communication she initiated, he does not initiate anything on his own, which she supposed that would follow.

 

Guys, what do you think – is he not interested any more(1), or after everything what has happened he doesn't know what the girl is up to and that's why he is allowing her to lead and reveal her intentions (2) or is he just playing cool (3)?

 

It has been 7 days from the last Wednesday, when I contacted him...

 

Thx for your help!

[dr strangelove]

If you want an answer.. ultimately only time will tell.

 

Youever thought of seeing him in person or a phone call?

 

The in person thng is the best really.

 

What do you mean slowly communicate? I think that gets me about women, life goes on. Meanwhile while you are taking your time someone else comes along that theres instant attraction.

[rugbyrob1990]

Thanks for sharing this story, it proves there is hope for some of us. The fact he responded so fast indicates he is still interested.

 

Why did you break up with him in the first place? Also, by making contact your going to make him believe that your still interested, is that what you want? You may be playing in very dangerous water...

 

Question: What made you decide to cantact after 3 mos. just courious.. Thanks:D

[stoopid_guy]

Guys, what do you think – is he not interested any more(1), or after everything what has happened he doesn't know what the girl is up to and that's why he is allowing her to lead and reveal her intentions (2) or is he just playing cool (3)?

 

 

I'd say either he's not interested or letting you take the lead. Men walk a fine line, if we try too hard, women think we're "too needy." If we don't try hard enough, women think either we're not interested or we're just inconsiderate.

 

I think you should assume he wants you to take the lead. If he really cared about you, that NC hurt like hell. Make it clear to him that that won't happen again (assuming you're reasonably certain that it won't.) Make it clear to him why it started in the first place, and make it clear that you've had a change of heart. Get the issues around the NC period out in the open.

[Cathy1]

Guys, you are great! :-)

Maybe we shall finally manage to understand each other, men and women, I mean, our own languages, us being from Venus, and you being from Mars :-))

Thank you so much for your inputs!

 

Maybe my story is somewhat misleading, because I wanted it to keep it short this time :-)), but actually I implemented NC as he was being a jerk towards me (the whole story is under the thread «Has he moved on after 3 months of NC? ») and actually I was «the victim». I wanted to teach him a lesson and to show him that he may loose me for good (in spite of his idiotic behavior, I had a feeling he cared), but also to give him space so that he can start to miss me.

I somehow had a plan all along to contact him after a while, if something else does not happen before that, like him maybe contacting me first or something..

I don't know if this helps in comparing with your own stories (Rugbyrob), since I'm sure that your initial impression was that I was the dumper, but, as I said, I didn’t want to make it a long story and in a way I was a dumper this time since I initiated the NC and he had troubles accepting it.

[stoopid_guy]

but actually I implemented NC as he was being a jerk towards me

 

The scratch what I said. There's plenty of non-jerks out there.

[jsouthern]

Having been split from my wife for 10 months, and divorced for just over a month now, I will say this.

 

If he readily communicates back with you, there's a POSSIBILITY he may still have feelings OR, he may just be trying to keep things civil. When the ex initiates communication with me, I keep it very short, sweet, and simple. I feel vulnerable. This is a woman I spent 8 years with and she knows everything about me, so I'm hesitant with how I reply. I usually keep on the defensive if she's initiated contact.

 

Now, if he's not initiated communication with you, from my point of view, there's a couple of possibilities: one, he does still have feelings for you but thinks it's over and there's no chance of ever getting back with you, and maybe he's scared of telling you that or how you might react to it. Or, he may feel nothing for you anymore and only responded to you because he's keeping things civil.

 

I'm a little ****ed up on some pills and a bottle of wine right now, which is the only reason I can be as upfront as this may appear to be. I do hope it makes sense, and hopefully it gives you some insight into how the other half might be dealing with things.

 

Hopefully others will contribute, relationship advice from someone who couldn't hack it as a husband and father probably isn't what you're looking for.

[jsouthern]

I'd say either he's not interested or letting you take the lead. Men walk a fine line,

 

I really like what Guy has said here. When it comes to the ex and I, I really do care about her and would really love to get back with her - even though I'm the reason we broke up. Men really stay on the defensive, which is why if he's readily communicating back with you, it's a possibility he's trying to let you take the lead. This is how communication between the ex and myself goes. We really want to be together, but I have too many issues to give her what she needs.

 

It wouldn't be a bad thing for you two to sit down, let each other know where each of you stand on the whole thing, and go from there. I don't like to give false hope, but there is a possibility both of you want the same thing, to be back together.

 

Just keep in mind, no matter what happens when (if) you two talk about this, you both (or maybe only one) may determine that it is over for good.

[scrybe74]

Guys, you are great! :-)

Maybe we shall finally manage to understand each other, men and women, I mean, our own languages, us being from Venus, and you being from Mars :-))

Thank you so much for your inputs!

 

Maybe my story is somewhat misleading, because I wanted it to keep it short this time :-)), but actually I implemented NC as he was being a jerk towards me (the whole story is under the thread «Has he moved on after 3 months of NC? ») and actually I was «the victim». I wanted to teach him a lesson and to show him that he may loose me for good (in spite of his idiotic behavior, I had a feeling he cared), but also to give him space so that he can start to miss me.

I somehow had a plan all along to contact him after a while, if something else does not happen before that, like him maybe contacting me first or something..

I don't know if this helps in comparing with your own stories (Rugbyrob), since I'm sure that your initial impression was that I was the dumper, but, as I said, I didn’t want to make it a long story and in a way I was a dumper this time since I initiated the NC and he had troubles accepting it.

 

 

Using NC as a tool to punish someone or to change behavior is a BAD IDEA. The whole point of NC is for you to take care of yourself and move on...to change. If after you've gone through that process and want to reconnect with someone then fine...but you're 'starting over' which means you can't expect things to go the way you want. He probably may have moved on OR he's on to the fact that you are playing games with him so he's returning the favor.

 

On a side note....if he's such a jerk why in God's green earth do you want him back?

[Cathy1]

Thx again everyone for your contribution....

Why do I want him back....If it were only that easy..... :-)

 

Yes, I said, he was being a jerk, but I tend to think that maybe it were more the circumstances at the time that made him act like that than that he is really a jerk. Even our behavior as partners sometimes triggers reactions that we do not like from our partners. Well, I'm not naive or ready to blame everything on myself, but what I'm really trying to say that if he behaved like a jerk at one point, I don't tend to readily sentence him as being a total jerk...

Yes, I'm willing to take all the risks I have produced with my NC, I am aware that things may have changed, but at the time I had no other option than to do NC and actually I was forced to take that risk.

Hopefully it will come out the way I hope and expect it! :-)

I'll wait a few more days and I will get in touch with him and propose to meet for drinks or something...

Thx again for all of your inputs, feel free to continue with your comments, this is actually a never ending saga....... :-))

[Cathy1]

Jsouthern,

 

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment, but you have to get a hold on yourself, and pills and alcohol is not the right way..

I know that this thread is not about you and if you wanted others to discuss your situation you would have probably posted a thread on your own, but I felt compelled to write you something.

 

I realize that divorce is tough, but then again, you are young and healthy (I presume) and you have a child! That is more than many people have! You should be grateful! Other things will find their way of working it out!

 

But you have to be positive! I cannot stress enough how positive attitude effects real life events! It has happened in my life a million times so far!

 

Anyway, if you still seek reconciliation with your ex, be sure that she wants a mature and responsible partner, so there’s another reason to get yourself back together.

 

I wish you all the best and I’m sure everything will work out fine!