mother trouble

[bunnyfuller]

After yet another phone conversation where I came out the bad guy, simply for asking why my mother could visit other people, go on holiday, book a FURTHER holiday, yet has only seen her latest grandchild, my daughter, for a total of 2 hrs.

My parents have always been critical of me, from what I did at school, boyfriends, friends, career. I did actually work hard at school and eventually joined the military here in the UK, where I have been serving 16 years, and done very well.

I realise now there has always been an underhand 'campaign' to 'bring me back to the fold' My father said I made sure I left the family home once I started making decent money, and my mum is constantly getting phone numbers etc off old friends, and in the past, boyfriends, to try to strengthen the link.

I had never really questioned this state of affairs, got used to always being frightened to disagree for fear of the firestorm that would erupt, and how crap they'd make me feel as a person if I did dare voice my opinion. But I have now gotten to the point that it is really, really getting me down.

I got married to my husband in 2001, in the town where we lived. My parents didnt attend. At the time they said it was because their dog was old and sick and they couldn't leave him. I accepted this and made excuses to all and sundry. Since then they've said it was because they didn't believe the marriage would last, and I had been married before so why should they travel? They were happy to be completely involved before this point, when we were considering getting married at their local church, it only changed when we planned it for our home town.

We wanted children immediately, unfortunately it didn't happen for us, instead, 5 early miscarriages. My mother refused to acknowledge these as I 'didn't need a D and C so they weren't real miscarriages' I am about to start counselling for not dealing with these miscarriages.

WE had our first daughter by means of IVF, losing a twin in the pregnancy. Once I was pregnant my mother said on one occasion 'why should I be happy, I wont see it'

There's a running theme - me not living where they do. It's about 6 hrs away, before I was married I used to go visit them a lot, I did all the travelling. My Mum had major surgery 20 yrs or so ago, which removed a lot of the muscles for controlling going to the loo, and this is one of her reasons for saying she cant visit - but how can she go on hols then?

I am due to leave military next year, and the pressure is already starting (again). Since Jan 2005 I have given birth by c-section twice, as well as there being several complications. My youngest is now almost 19w and they've been up for one visit, not even overnight, since she's been born. I have actually openly asked her to come up to help out for a week several times and every time there's a different excuse, notwithstanding whatever I say. She actually said the other day 'you made your bed, you lie in it' as in I decided to have children and wont move near so she wont give any help at all.

She constantly criticises everything I do, enjoy, lifestyle, everything. I am still too scared to really open up and tell her how I feel. When I have tried she dismisses whatever I say and calls me over-dramatic.

I feel so upset that not only can she keep this up with her daughter, but now also she's 'punishing' my girls for the same reasons!

I have a brother (we're both adopted btw - I sometimes wonder if it has gotten worse because I had my 'own' kids, despite what we went thru to have them) but he is the golden boy. He lives 45 mins from them and they are helping him both financially and materially all the time. That's their 'carrot' to me - move down here and we'll do all this for you...but surely families help one another no matter what the geography? does my living away make me not part of the family by default?

I am intending to buy the Susan Forward book today, but meanwhile, please some words of comfort, advice etc. How do you deal with finally reasling basically your parents don't love you, you're just something to be knocked down? At the moment, I do kinda passive-aggressive, so after a hpone call where's shes been critical/unsupportive/downright nasty I just stop calling her. She is actually sickly sweet when we do speak after that but it soon degenerates again to the usual pattern.

 

Sad Mummy

[bunnyfuller]

please, someone...

[bunnyfuller]

please....someone

[petunia]

I'm sorry to hear all that is happening to you. I'm glad that you were blessed with a loving husband and were able to start a family of your own.

 

Now, your parents are manipulative, controlling, and won't be what you want them to be and that's the truth. Are you calling them for approval, assistance, involvement in your life? Instead, you're constantly being brushed off (less important than the family dog on YOUR wedding day?!), and then told that if you move there they'll finally be supportive. No. I don't believe they'll be supportive; if anything, they'll just dangle money in front of you and make excuses for why you're not deserving of it.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you might want to really just focus on therapy for the children you lost, take care of your own family, and finally accept that the only thing you can confidently expect from your family is to be let down.

 

Hugs

[wddcjordan]

l am so sorry that you have to deal with a family like this, we all have someone this way. You cant change them nor is there any sense in even trying to change yourself to suit their wants or needs. You have alot going for you at this time and if they cant be happy for you then just let them be. Your family will not benefit in anyway by you doing as your parents want you to.

 

You say your brother is the golden boy and can do no wrong is that something that just started when you moved away or has that been your whole life. I would imagine it has been your whole life. So you would do yourself no favors by moving home. Im sure you have friends ( who are like family) where you are. So if you and your family is comfortable there stay.

 

You are not the only one with these types of problems, mine come from my mother in law who lives 5 minutes away, and for the first year of my 3 year olds life she saw him maybe 4 times and didnt have anything to do with him then.

 

I wish you the best with your therapy and whatever you decide to do about your parents. Be thankful for your blessing.

[bunnyfuller]

for your thoughtful replies.

 

I am slowly coming to the realisation that what you both said is right (and what my husband has been saying FOREVER)..they're not going to change, only my way of dealing with this can change.

 

I bought both Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward, and so much of particularly the Toxic Parents book rings true.

 

My mother's mother was ill her whole life and mum was basically her carer. My mum has no relationship whatsoever with her brother, hasnt spoken to him for years, so I presume she's just repeating history in her manner of treating me and my brother so vastly differently, and unconciously creating the exact same non-relationship (I have very little contact with my brother) My father is a non-admitting alcoholic - not a litre of vodka a day one, just he HAS to have his 2 glasses of wine (uesed to be more, but mum allegedly 'put her foot down' but she has always played down how much he drank. He was violent towards her when I was growing up, in front of us kids, but again, she desperately tries to minimise that, and even denies a lot of it even happened, or blames circumstances etc.

 

So, following reading the books I am still left with 2 questions:

 

1. Why, when I tell her repeatedly we will NOT be moving to Devon, does she act like it's the first time I have mentioned it, and in fact its a complete change of plan?

 

2. I was very impressed with the 'neutral' responses given in both books...however, how do I specifically respond to her saying 'oh, so we'll never see you then' when I talk about where we intend to live? she doesn't say it in a threatening way, not like 'that's it, out of my life' but more like it creates an impossible position by our not being close to them...they live about 6 hrs from where we intend to live, not something to do every weekend, admittedly, but I don't see it as insurmountable, we could all take it in turns every month/2 months... so, what do I answer to that? At the moment I say, 'no, mum' we just take it in turns to visit' and she just goes 'hmmmmm' then is very very cool with me for days after...then the cycle starts again. Or she says we can't be travelling up there all the time, and I just say 'that's your choice, mum'...then again quiet, or guilting out for her 'illness' and so on and so on and.....arrrhggghhhh!!!

 

hope someone can provide me with specific examples...

 

Nic

[bunnyfuller]

someone please please....

[Guest]

Acceptance primarily. Accept that you don't control other people, how they feel, or what they do. Accept that you can't change them. Don't dwell on it, and let them live their lives as they see fit. Let them accept the consequences of their actions. Acceptance and letting go of the emotional turmoil accompanying the situation is the beginning of the resolution process, at least for you. Become more self-reliant. Fulfill your emotional needs with YOUR family, who are the important one's anyway. Your spouse and children form a complete family unit. You should move forward with your spouse and children. THEY are the future.

[MissSenorita]

I don't know, I've found that just cutting people off has improved my sense of emotional well being tremendously. I can't yet bring myself to forgive, maybe eventually, but for now I'm tired of all the criticism and control and cruelty and I think I'm better off without it.

[superconductor]

I am slowly coming to the realisation that what you both said is right (and what my husband has been saying FOREVER)..they're not going to change, only my way of dealing with this can change.

Now this makes me very curious. Your husband has been telling you this for a long, long time, but it took some anonymous posters on a message board for the message to strike home?

 

Why oh why wouldn't you just believe your hub??

[Flicker]

I realise that you may think that it is easy for us to say "just move on and try not to rely on your parents for support". But I myself am in the process of going through the same issue.

It is hard to understand why it is that your parents are so crap compared to other peoples, and hard to think that they perhaps aren't capable of being great parents.

It sounds to me like you have asked asked them so many times to be a part of your life, to support you emotionally, to be proud of you and that they have failed in all attempts. Everybody needs someone in their lives to provide such support, and maybe for you this just isn't going to be your parents.

You shouldn't feel bad about this. It seems as though you have tried really hard for a long time to make this work (without buckling to the pressure to shift) and they just cannot meet you halfway. So, in that case. Stop trying. I know it's a dismall prospect (especially for your children) but it seems that you would be better off without such toxic influences. If it's upsetting you, you can be sure that your daughter will pick up on it and be affected by it even before she begins to talk.

Seek counselling about the issues with your parents. Learn to not rely on them and accept that they aren't the kind of parents you would wish for. Nevertheless, you will be ok.

[bunnyfuller]

Apart from the person who said stop trying to control things (I am not trying to control anything, I am just having a hard time dealing with parents who have totally withdrawn even their affection for the pure and simple reason I will not move my family near them) - everyone has spoken a lot of sense.

 

I am slowly, oh so slowly, letting go. I do not feel the pressure to call, just because I know they expect me to. Things really came to a head this month - I went back to work and bang bang bang both girls and DH got sick one after another. Things were truly horrific! I also managed to trap a nerve in my neck so wasn't working on all cylinders...now I am used to the fact that me and DH do this stuff on our own - we did 2 c-sections and newborns on our own, so what's new? but obviously during phone calls I was not a cheery soul,and spoke about how hard things were....

fast forward a couple of weeks, and my husband and I were on our way out to do some shopping at the big mall a little way from us - I rang to ask my parents if they had any ideas for xmas gifts...my dad answered the phone and said 'yes - for you to be happy' now this isn't the loving wish it might sound like, it is actually comment on my mentioning our hard time to my mum previously, and her in turn moaning about me to dad...its happened so many times. She has to slag people off behind their backs.

 

And now I have just thought - sod it, I mean really, sod it, its bad enough they aren't bothered enough to come and see their grandchildren but to take that attitude to us even mentioning difficulties, sod it and sod them. My mum has called 3 times since then (2 weeks ago) twice I have been 'busy' and the 3rd time I got off the phone in less than a minute. I am past wanting to 'fix' this. It isn't fixable. I am past caring if they get angry because I haven't called like a dutiful daughter, to listen to a tirade of my faults and wrongdoings. I am past hoping a miracle will happen and they'll become the parents I long for - and you know, it isnt a lot. I don't expect a visit every week or even every month. I would like a sympathetic ear, no matter how many times before I have needed it. I know that it is wrong for them to say they're 'tired' of my dramas. It doesn't work like that with kids - I cannot imagine rejecting either of my girls in this fashion, and it isa reflection on their bleak inner landscape, and not me, that they can behave in this way.

 

I love my husband and my gorgeous daughters with every fibre of my being, my parents behaviour has only served to make me thank my lucky stars for what I do have. Yes, my girls won't have grandparents. But they will have a Mum and Dad who will ALWAYS be there for them, and who will not judge them because they don't behave like personal little soldiers that do as they're told, no matter what the cost to themselves.

 

Thank you all, and I look forward to discussing this further with those of you in a similar situation, and to hearing your stories.

[Almost]

Bunny,

 

It sounds like your situation is kind of similar to my sister's situation, although without all the miscarriages. Your experience also sounds somewhat more severe and extreme overall.

 

See my posts in reponse to the other thread here about "hating my mother."

 

Your parents are being manipulative and hurtful no doubt, and self centered. It's all about them and what they want.

 

Like I said in the other thread, you have to realize that you're not going to change them by arguing with them, or wishing them to be different. They are the way they are because of how they were raised by their parents. They are acting and reacting based on what they think they need to do.

 

I can't say weather or not they really love you and your children, but I think they probably do, deep down. Otherwise they wouldn't be trying to get you to move closer to them. They just wouldn't care and would be fine with you living far away and never seeing you.

 

Since they're your parents, you have to listen to them and try to understand their point of view, even if you don't agree with it. But you don't have to win any argument or convince them of anything. You can make your own decisions and live your own life. They can make their own decisions and live how they want to live. Maybe neither of you will agree with the other's decisions on how and where to live. If that's the case then you all will just have to deal with that and try to make the best of it.

 

If they don't want to come and see their grandchildren, and be a part of their lives, that is their loss. I would advise against using your children as bargaining chips, or threatening them with not allowing them to see their grandchildren unless they did this or that. You should not return their manipulative behavior with some of your own. I'm not saying you are, just saying don't do it if you are tempted to - it will only serve to make things worse.

 

If they don't want to be a part of your life and your children's life, that is their loss. Sure it is your loss and your children's loss also, but they need to stop trying to control and manipulate you, and you should not give in to them.

 

It's basically a power struggle. Who is going to control your life and your family's life? You or your parents? Will you live your life on your terms, or theirs? They want you to live on their terms. But you are not a child anymore, you are an adult. They can either be a part of your life on your terms, or they can choose to not be a part of your life.

 

What about your husband's parents? Do your kids have another set of grandparents nearby? What are they like? Is there any competition between your parents and his parents?

[motherlode]

It was so cute how you ended your message with "sad Mummy" It is awful when you realize that you are not loved by your family. The upside is we have the opportunity to be better mums ourselves and I bet you are a great Mum. The whole reason why I got on this site was to deal with my emotional baggage but it really helps when you see that you are not alone, that there are, sadly, so many others with similar stories. Again I say don't give your family your power. Dont let them know how much they are hurting you or they will just keep doing it knowing they are getting a response. We have to re-train people how to treat us and what kind of behaviour we will accept from them and what we wont. Stop the conversation the minute they cross the line and refuse to be a victim any longer!! Good luck little bunnie and hop to it :-D

[hopeto]

Hi, I really might have alot to say so be ready cause I can be windy and spelling is not my fortae so you will have to desifer it. he it goes. first let me tell you that I have a 5 year old and she is adopted. I am from a family of 4 children I am the baby and I have three older brothers. THEY HUNG THE MOON!!!!!I have too of my brothers that is the baby of the boys and the oldest is so in trouble all the time. I am 32 then the baby of the boys is I guess too years older than me then the next is 11/2 years older and the other is like 4to 5 years and the youngest and the oldest still cant get it together.

 

my mother has heart condition and she is really on a fixed income but to my brother that does not matter. has has moved in mind you not by his self but with his girlfriend and thier son that is 6 but was 2 when they moved in and he does not work nor her,drinks etc but mom says she cant put the baby out on the street and she said they wont let her have the son. LOAD OF CRAP!!!!! so to get to your story the boys are always treated different!!!!! they hung the moon in moms eyes. they do no wrong which puzzles me on the dad not backing you up. you know I posted to a lady's post and told her that writting is realy good therpy!!!! I would write a letter to your folks one addresed to your father and one addressed to your mother.

 

you see in a letter thier is no words spoken and cant say you said it in a hateful manor. I am in the same boat you are but I am the out spoken one etc. my friend on the other hand has the same issue but will hold no punches and will tell her mom how she feels and this is the response she got from her mom in which would have hurt my feelings but she said that she was more high maintance. she was the one always in trouble always in need of parent control etc. she was bad in high school etc. were is her brother was not. there is a difference between the two of them he has moved himself his wife and there to children in with mom and dad and mom and dad are built in babysitters and refused to watch my friends children.

 

they give him money and he stays there for free no rent no nothingbut they have a family plan on cell phones and if my friend is a day late she hears about it. clothes are bought for his kids not hers and etc. I am not sure I even asked another one of my friends cause she hase a 5 yr old son and a 2 1/2 year old daughter and she said there is a difference that is unexplainable. she favors her son more. but I have seen that she treats them no difference. I can only suggest to you what my theripest said to do. he said we all express ourself different and I can say what I need to in a letter better than confortation.

 

this way I say everything I need to even if it were a to page or ten page. after you write then you do not call cause this leaves the ball in there court. they will decide what to say and how to adress the issue. I would tell her that this is as far as you need to go cause you were scared of hurting feelings and now it has to stop cause you are hurting for more than all of them put together. as far as you misscarrages go. I have had three and one was a tubal I almost died from in 2000.

 

I tried for 14 years and still I could not get preg. I tried artificial insemation the drugs, clomid the higest dose you could be on I also thried folistiem shots in the stomach etc. for 7 to 8 years I went to infertility specialist and stil did not get preg. any way when my tubal happened I say the heart beat of my baby and new I had to distroy it. it killed me. she/he would have been 6 now just a year older than my little girl now. in which cause I love her. I eat sleep and breath her!!!!!

 

I am not sure how to help you except either maybe write and make sure you say everything and try to resolve it or just let it go and not have parents any more due to the fact they are not there for you anyway. I am so sorry for you and I am even more sorry you are struggling with the loss of your babies. just know you are a mother of 5 not just the to you have but also the three you lost!

[Guest]

I'm sending wishes that you will stay strong and remember you are so blessed to have children after so many miscarriages. If your parents want to keep playing these games, I know its hard because you feel you need to be there for them or need to be a good daughter - but its too late for that and its a worthless game anyway. Your children are the important ones.

 

So much of what you have written sounds like you are trying to keep the relationship with your mum so that your kids will have grandparents. Let me tell you the side of that story that happens when you go to all lengths to make sure that your kids get those grandparents. Because that is me - I have the grandma from hell, and I was supposed to be a good soldier and march in tune and be a good grandkid to this lady, who did nothing but criticize, control, manipulate, and humiliate her own kids and especially the grandkids, because we were the youngest and most vulnerable.

 

Now that she is dying I feel regret and relief. I regret that I was forced to go over there and pay homage to a worthless bitch, and that I tried so hard to make them happy like my mum wanted. I wanted so much to be loved and thought that going to their house like my mom wanted, I would have that loving cozy grandparenty house dream that you see in commercials and on TV. But the truth is I would have been so much better off if my mom had listened to what she always knew was true and kept us as far away as possible. Now that my grandma is dying I am relieved. I am relieved that I will never have to go to that house again, and listen to her tell me how horrible, stupid, lazy, spoiled, ugly, smelly, and disgusting I am.

 

And I wish I could go back in time and find the little girl, me, crying and being told she is fatter than a stuffed pig (at all of 7 years old) and tell her to stop listening to this woman. My mom thought by taking us there it was better than not having grandparents. I wish more than anything she had listened to us, and just opened her eyes and looked around - my aunts and uncles keep their own kids far away, for a reason. But my mom wanted to be the good loyal daughter and for her kids to have grandparents. I can't blame her for that, my mom means well and is a wonderful person, but it was the wrong decision.