Does webcam sex count as cheating?

[Fun2BMe]

I thought she had left but she had gone to a private session. She was back on the webcam licking a dildo and I saw that she has a pierced tongue and belly. I am such a wreck right now I could die. There are hundreds of other girls on that site and I can only now imagine that he must be getting it on with others in addition to her. Why does this have to happen to me? I can't remember the last time I felt so hurt. Oh yea, it was only a couple of months ago from the other jerk I was dating

[JackJack]

I thought she had left but she had gone to a private session. She was back on the webcam licking a dildo and I saw that she has a pierced tongue and belly. I am such a wreck right now I could die. There are hundreds of other girls on that site and I can only now imagine that he must be getting it on with others in addition to her. Why does this have to happen to me? I can't remember the last time I felt so hurt. Oh yea, it was only a couple of months ago from the other jerk I was dating

 

 

I understand you are hurting, and I'm sorry this is happening right now. However, IMO I think you are way to much up in this girl and her web cam. Why do you have it on? Its upsetting you, so why punish yourself and put yourself through that? It was your b/f's choice to view/click/log on to this womans site. I think this is something that will bother you if you stay with this man. You will always wonder if he is still doing it. You will beat yourself up emotionally trying to figure out why he is doing this. IMO, I don't think its worth. I say move on and hopefully at some point you can put this behind you. You deserve better.

[Fun2BMe]

I just can't make sense out of it. He could've been chatting or even cheating with a classy nice lady, but she is so trashy, so young, so vulgar. It is like a knife stab how hurt I feel, just when I felt I had made the right decision to see him again after he kept calling and emailing me nonstop. I am trying to understand what I lack that he finds so appealing in her, that he has to pay for. I keep watching her and can't get my eyes off her cam and it is making me feel worse but I want to know if there is something I can do to make him get over her.

 

------------------------------

(edit) - Ok so the bf just called and left a vm to get together tonight. The girl just logged out of the webcam and 5 minutes later he is calling to see me, when he usually doesn't call this early anyways. Guilt? I don't know. This is when it gets into the situations where it's easy to give advice than take it. Someone else in my situation, I'd say they were crazy to stay and to run fast. That's how I was feeling getting all angry watching the girl, but then I listen to his long sweet vm and it's like oh no what do I do. I hate this.

[Guest]

I don't think it is cheating. But it also is not behavior proper for someone that is involved in a relationship with someone.

This guy sounds like problems. Think about what you don't know about.

 

By the way.. I saw on another thread that you have a match account ? does he know that ?

[crazy_grl]

I am trying to understand what I lack that he finds so appealing in her, that he has to pay for.

 

What you lack? This isn't about what you lack. It's about what's wrong with him. Who cares what he sees in her. Do *you* see anything appealing there, any qualities you wish you had (aside from looking 19 again... heh)? Who cares what some guy highering a trashy e-prostitute thinks.

 

I think the fact that he's not just watching her but contacting her on a personal basis takes this out of the realm of porn and into the realm of cheating.

 

I know it's hard to accept that you screwed up giving him a second chance, but if this isn't behavior you find acceptable, don't compromise your standards.

 

And stop watching her. There's no reason to torture yourself like that.

[Sonic_chaos]

Im being totally honest here, If i was soo heavily into a girl i wouldnt need or want porn, As it would never be the girl i wanted to watch, i hope you get me there. If your single then obviously porn is great. As said before, can be used to spice things up, which is also great. But from my side of the fence, it bothers me and i can see it bothers you that he's obviously besotted with this girl because she is a stereotypical teaser. School girl look, ie pigtails, young etc. As the saying goes, " you always want what you cant have."

Again if i was in your situation i dont think i would have any regrets of getting rid, Its not the fact that he's watching porn, its the fact that he's getting too involved with that girl and only that girl. Which is making your mind run wild, which in time will send you down big time and make you ill. Its great you had a second chance at it, but he's obviously abused that side of it and thinks its ok to do that when she's not around as im now back with her. Its a bit freaky that you are/was watching every move he made online ie mysapce and investigating, but its paid off as you have found something out you would have never of known and he would have still been doing it regardless of you being happy..

[norajane]

Yeah, she gets excited because she likes the money in her pocket as a result.

 

Exactly.

 

Fun2BeMe...this girl isn't interested in your boyfriend. She's interested in every guy who pays to watch her do her thing. Otherwise, she'd need to get a real job with probably a lot less in her bank account. She's acting and she's probably gotten very good at it over time as she wants to encourage these men to pay her lots of $$$ as often as possible.

 

SHE is not your problem.

 

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is being a silly wanking fool for getting so caught up in this habit of his. Personally, I wouldn't care if my guy was accessing random porn on the net, but this would totally piss me off!! And I would lose respect for him because he's throwing away so much money and energy all the time on some little porn girl who probably laughs with her friends about all the loser guys who shell out the dough to watch her perform.

 

You have every right to discuss this with him. If he can't or won't stop going to her site all the time, then he's got a problem...if he prefers cam girl to real girls, he's got an addiction problem.

[Fun2BMe]

Im being totally honest here, If i was soo heavily into a girl i wouldnt need or want porn, As it would never be the girl i wanted to watch, i hope you get me there.

That's what I wanted to find out, if him watching another girl was normal and what all guys did, or does it mean I don't satisfy him completely so he has to look elsewhere. I thought I was more than enough for him so this is a huge blow and so much more hurtful since it comes at a time when everything was supposedly perfect for the first time. I guess you're right that I'm not good enough for him. This calls for therapy. I feel so messed up and deficient now.

 

 

Its not the fact that he's watching porn, its the fact that he's getting too involved with that girl and only that girl.

Yes, that troubles me greatly the fact that it's so personal and one on one with her. If it was a few minutes here and there with different women then I could get over it but it's large chunks of time only with her and it is making me go crazy.

 

Its a bit freaky that you are/was watching every move he made online ie mysapce and investigating, but its paid off as you have found something out you would have never of known and he would have still been doing it regardless of you being happy..

It's not freaky. I was at his house and sitting with him at his computer while he was going through his email. I can't see too well without my glasses so maybe he didn't reallize I was seeing what he was seeing, which included a lot of email notifications from myspace. I quickly did a search on myspace when I got home - he is registered with his real first and last name so that took 5 seconds to find him. On his friends list she was the only girl listed so I clicked on her and it was total erotica and with a link taking her to her webcam page and he is number one on her friends list too. This took a total of 5 minutes so it's not too freaky or intrusive. If he wanted more privacy he would not have registered with his real, full name or easily set his page on private mode so nobody other than those he has given permission to could see his page.

[whichwayisup]

There's a reason why this guy is an ex...And now he's displaying some characteristics that aren't good for a relationship. (This isn't the recent EX player guy is it???) Are you sure you want to get re-involved with an ex?

[Sand&Water]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this anguish, Fun2BMe.

But, why are you doing this to yourself? You are holding onto something so unlike you, so unreal that it is disturbing.

 

I think you should sit down with him - one on one - and talk to him, if that makes things easier for you. However, in all honesty all the red flags are flying high. Do his actions contradict themselves? Usually this is a good indication of confusion and betrayal on his part.

[Fun2BMe]

There's a reason why this guy is an ex...And now he's displaying some characteristics that aren't good for a relationship. (This isn't the recent EX player guy is it???) Are you sure you want to get re-involved with an ex?

 

No, this isn't the recent ex guy I had all that drama and heartach over. This guy I had been seeing for a very long time in a committed relationship. Then exactly 2 years ago I broke it off because he wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs and being there enough for me. A few weeks ago he started calling and emailing me like crazy so finally I gave in and returned his call, decided to meet with the intention that I'd see how things were between us to either just be friends, continue not to have him in my life or whatever. Instead we ended up connecting, re-establishing a sexual relationship. He seemed changed, very attentive, doing EVERYTHING I had always wanted him to do in the past so it seemed too good to be real. I was so happy with everything, thinking things happen for a reason and time fixed things and now I was in a good relationship, then this whole webcam business comes up.

[norajane]

The webcam thing is probably a habit he got into during the 2 years you weren't seeing each other. He probably thinks it's harmless, or he's hooked now and can't stop. It's no reflection on you at all!

[Fun2BMe]

I don't think it is cheating. But it also is not behavior proper for someone that is involved in a relationship with someone.

This guy sounds like problems. Think about what you don't know about.

 

By the way.. I saw on another thread that you have a match account ? does he know that ?

Even when I meet people outside of match I tell them about the account, it's just a part of me and I'm sure easy to look me up when they see my picture and the area I live in, age and all. I don't hide it. The last guy I dated might have seen it and was testing me by asking if I had an account there. I said I did but that I hadn't logged on in several weeks which he could verify if he looked at it. I am not actively using it, but keep in mind I only got back together with this old flame it'll be 2 weeks this Friday so it's not like my life was on hold for 2 years prior. Since seeing him I have not pursued anything on match.

 

Think about what I don't know about? Yes, that is contributing to the stress. I am imagining that he contacts other women I don't even know about.

[Guest]

Maybe since you have an account on match he feels its ok to do what he is doing. Wheather you are meeting to or talking to men or not, maybe he sees this as if its ok for you its ok for him type of thing. Match and then the web cam thing he is doing is taking away from your relationship as a whole. I think you both need to think about what it is you truly want from the relationship.

[LaraV]

Exactly.

 

Fun2BeMe...this girl isn't interested in your boyfriend. She's interested in every guy who pays to watch her do her thing. Otherwise, she'd need to get a real job with probably a lot less in her bank account. She's acting and she's probably gotten very good at it over time as she wants to encourage these men to pay her lots of $$$ as often as possible.

 

SHE is not your problem.

 

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is being a silly wanking fool for getting so caught up in this habit of his. Personally, I wouldn't care if my guy was accessing random porn on the net, but this would totally piss me off!! And I would lose respect for him because he's throwing away so much money and energy all the time on some little porn girl who probably laughs with her friends about all the loser guys who shell out the dough to watch her perform.

 

You have every right to discuss this with him. If he can't or won't stop going to her site all the time, then he's got a problem...if he prefers cam girl to real girls, he's got an addiction problem.

 

F2BM - I think this post is right on. I personally don't have a problem if the guy I'm with likes porn. But if he's paying her, THAT is a big issue. It doesn't even mean it's a reflection on you - I honestly believe that your guy doesn't have any "deep" interest in this woman whatsoever beyond the...well, porn. The key here is to really determine how you feel about him liking it. I think this borders a bit on prostitution, and I just don't feel comfortable with that - and you obviously are very upset by it. So this is what I suggest:

 

Talk to him about it. Don't ever keep things like this to yourself. Your guy doesn't have any idea of how this may be upsetting you if you don't tell him. Tell him EXACTLY how it makes you feel. If he's a keeper he will validate your feeling and he will stop this nonsense. He will do anything to not hurt you. If he blows you off or tells you you're crazy/making too much out of it/etc. then lose him. FAST.

 

I think the key here is to talk to him about it first and see how he reacts.

[daphne]

Fun,

 

From what I gather, you're a very attractive, intelligent woman who probably is able to take care of herself .

 

I've noticed that you allow these pigs into your life and have a hard time letting them go. But you let the last guy go. It just took an awful lot of persuasion.

 

I don't understand how you allow these guys in your life. I've had some bad guys in my life, but only one that even remotely sounded as piggish as these guys, and he's actually a sweetheart in comparison.

 

I think there is something lacking in your self esteem and you let people in your life that are beneath you. It just decreases your self esteem. When I run across a liar, a potential cheat, a manipulator or a control freak, I generally bolt as soon as I smell it. These types of guys are not relationship material. I want something way better for myself and I won't settle for anything less. If that's being picky or snobby, sorry. I know I'm better than that. I think most folks are. I don't care what your friends say about that. I think after the cheating guy you're not picky enough.

 

All in all, I think you need to bolster your self esteem and stay out of relationships for a while until you figure this out. And you need to avoid any more drama. It's keeping you from finding a relationship of merit. You are spinning your wheels with these losers.

 

I just hate to see people do this to themselves. It's so much better without the drama.

[evilsponge]

IMO, there's nothing wrong with porn of this type, all the money and time this guy is putting into it IS a problem! I'm sorry but all the people who are screaming cheater need to calm down. Is he seeing this woman outside of this webcam thing? Not likely. He's PAYING to her naked, just like paying to see a porno, only difference I see here is it's live instead of recorded.

 

But that's just my opnion Fun2bMe, you need to decide if you're okay with this. If not, you need to talk to this guy and ask him to stop, if he doesn't then I'd say leave him. Secondly, were do women get this notion that if their man masturbates then she's not pleasing him?? It's simply NOT TRUE!

[magichands]

IMO, there's nothing wrong with porn of this type,

 

I agree with this. It's just porn.

 

But I don't agree with the whole porn thing. I take your later point about the time he is putting into this - when it would show so much more respect to put it into the relationship.

 

I don't agree with the whole porn thing because I think it is disrespectful to the whole idea of intimacy. Education is one thing - but intimate acts should be kept between the parties involved.

[purspeed]

Why don't you try joining him. Live a little, lady.

[crazy_grl]

He's PAYING to her naked, just like paying to see a porno, only difference I see here is it's live instead of recorded.

 

How often do people trade emails with one of the porno actors they've watched? This sounds much more more personal and involved than any porno movie.

 

And to be #1 on her friends list, he's either got to be her biggest spender or they've got some kind of 'connection' going on.

 

He's been investing a lot of time (and money) into another woman who he desires in a sexual way. In my book, that borders on cheating. There's no reason for him to be messaging her unless they're talking about his bill.

[Fun2BMe]

IMO, there's nothing wrong with porn of this type, all the money and time this guy is putting into it IS a problem! I'm sorry but all the people who are screaming cheater need to calm down. Is he seeing this woman outside of this webcam thing? Not likely.

Ok, so he's not cheating. I was wondering whether to consider it as cheating or not. So let's say it's not. Let me examine what aspect of it bothers me. The fact that he is so turned on by a girl significantly younger than both of us, who is the opposite of me in many ways - she smokes/drinks, has piercings everywhere, he has no problem 'sharing' her with dozens of the other men who get off on her, she is so much younger and the list goes on. As for not seeing her in real life, I wonder if it's only a matter of time. She lives in the same city from her profile, my bf is wealthy and it might tempt her to agree to meet with him since she does it for money, he gets off on her.

 

 

Secondly, were do women get this notion that if their man masturbates then she's not pleasing him?? It's simply NOT TRUE!

 

It's not the getting off or masturbation part of it that bothers me so much but the fact that he is watching her specifically, not like a little bit of her and then her and next but HER like it's more personal. I feel like she is offering him something I don't have and I can't get younger no matter how much I change everything else.

[JadeStar]

Ok, so he's not cheating. I was wondering whether to consider it as cheating or not. So let's say it's not. Let me examine what aspect of it bothers me. The fact that he is so turned on by a girl significantly younger than both of us, who is the opposite of me in many ways - she smokes/drinks, has piercings everywhere, he has no problem 'sharing' her with dozens of the other men who get off on her, she is so much younger and the list goes on. As for not seeing her in real life, I wonder if it's only a matter of time. She lives in the same city from her profile, my bf is wealthy and it might tempt her to agree to meet with him since she does it for money, he gets off on her.

 

 

 

 

It's not the getting off or masturbation part of it that bothers me so much but the fact that he is watching her specifically, not like a little bit of her and then her and next but HER like it's more personal. I feel like she is offering him something I don't have and I can't get younger no matter how much I change everything else.

 

 

 

Have you made a decison on what you're going to do?

[Fun2BMe]

Why don't you try joining him. Live a little, lady.

 

It's not about joining him. It's not his getting off on her so much that it is HER that he likes, not like one girl one day, another the next to satisfy his sexual needs with a no-name anonymous entity when I'm not there. It's the fact that he goes to HER exclusively so what's the point of me joining him when I have a problem with him being with HER in the first place. I do live, don't call me lady like that. I live and experience all the pain life has to offer.

[Fun2BMe]

How often do people trade emails with one of the porno actors they've watched? This sounds much more more personal and involved than any porno movie.

 

And to be #1 on her friends list, he's either got to be her biggest spender or they've got some kind of 'connection' going on.

 

He's been investing a lot of time (and money) into another woman who he desires in a sexual way. In my book, that borders on cheating. There's no reason for him to be messaging her unless they're talking about his bill.

 

Yes, this is what bothers me. I check her myspace account, and every day she has more and more friends, hundreds...yet he remains #1 on her list, and she remains the only female friend on his. It's not porn in general, porn doesn't bother me when done in moderation, tasteful,all that stuff. But to have a personal relationship with a pornstar is a different issue that is hard to explain for me how hurtful it is. She is on her webcam right now. I wish I could stop watching her but she is so magnetic and I admit very charming and beautiful I even can't get my eyes off of her but I cry as I watch her at the thought that he likes her so much, that as good as I look the only thing I can't do - get younger - is what she has.

[Fun2BMe]

Have you made a decison on what you're going to do?

 

I wanted to reply to the comments before posting my update. Sorry if I didn't get to everyone but I appreciate all of your thoughts.

 

So yesterday I went to see him. We had dinner with a couple of his friends out here from Copenhagen who are to go back today. From the moment I saw him, I felt cold towards him. At dinner I showed my chearful self to the friends, made conversation and all that.

 

When we got back to his house, I was very quiet and upset. He thought I was just tired. I didn't know how to bring it up, what to even say. As many of you said, it's just porn and I don't want to be this crazy gf who tells him he can't watch porn. If I tell him I know he is watching her, it might freak him out that I know that much or he'll think I'm a crazy jealous gf for no reason.I just don't know how to approach it.

 

I think if I never looked to see that he was #1 on her list none of this would be bothering me. I know guys on myspace have all these hot girls as friends but that it's not real, just pictures and they send messages. But the fact that I looked at her cam and make all the associations, and on top of it have watched her, it is driving me out of my mind.

 

I feel bad because like someone mentioned, I should at least talk to him about it so without him knowing what was bothering me, I was Ms. Moody Attitude which I HATE and I abruptly left, he felt very hurt and I feel so so bad because I know he loves me and he doesn't know why I am changing on him after things have been going well.

 

I thought as I was falling asleep last night that I would have to stop seeing him cold turkey like last time around. Then this morning I am feeling all this guilt for how I treated him, because what he is doing if it is not aimed to hurt me, I just don't know what to make of it and it hurts me so much, yet I in his face treated him badly yesterday. I feel like things are worse now.