How to keep it a secret

[newbby]

Question: other person, good or bad?

i dont understand the question

You must be an "other person". If you have to ask other people advice on how to effectively cheat, you must be one stupid individual.

again you are muddling posters, i did not raise the original question.

 

My point? It's that the original poster hasn't gotten to the "bad" part of cheating yet. She's better get out while she can.

so you have some experience in this area?

People like you, instead of helping someone, would rather draw them into the same cesspool you live in. Is all the disruptiveness of an affair not a private hell you live in? Why would you want anybody else to live in that? Misery loves company?

in what way am i encouraging anybody to live in the "same cesspool i live in"?

Why doesn't she just leave her husband if she's so in love with this other guy (who's probably bs'ing her anyways). I know, I know. This MUST be true love... It feels so right.. He's my soulmate..

well perhaps if you asked her those questions nicely, you might get some honest answers, and after that you could base your opinion of her on something a little less flimsy and narrowminded.

What is your opinion on what she should do? I'm sure you have some good pointers on how to cheat.

 

no, i left the cheating up to mm. his marriage and how much he wanted to risk of it was up to him.

[newbby]

Newbby,

 

Just got done reading the whole string of comments from everyone. I am

flabbergasted at all of this. Especially your comment last. Where you stated that these are help forums. OMG. HELP FORUMS? Sure did not sound like that to me. Sounds like more of "Can I get ideas on how to keep an affair going with a married man without getting caught". Have not read

anything before from Hival but after reading what was said I think he hit it right on the head. It is pathetic. There are plenty of men out there and there is no reason other than you have no self respect and have such low self esteem that you have to be hooking up with a MM. Your letting yourself be used and cheapened. And the worst is that you know it is wrong (obviously because you don't want the wife to find out). Why do you think so little of yourself that you don't strive for a legitimate relationship. It is a proven fact that most cheaters will be cheated on some day. And when it happens no doubt you will be crushed and upset that it happened to you. Then maybe you can really post honestly on this "Help Forum".

 

in my experience, people are able to identify their own motivations, or needs much more effectively in a supportive environment. you may see only the words, but what i saw was acceptance of a person.

[Dangerously Close]

Wow. This has gotten a bit crazy. Thanks to newbby for taking the brunt of all this.

 

Hival and barbie--I'm in this with my eyes wide open. There are no "just till I can get my finances straight..." and there are no kids. I KNOW he isn't going to leave her, and I'm okay with that. You are right in the one aspect that if I get hurt it will be my own fault. I'm also not lonely. Yes, ideally I would want to spend more time alone with MM, but that doesn't automatically make me lonely. And while yes it comes off as if I am asking for a "how to" manual, I'm not. I know how it's done because I'm doing it. It doesn't make any sense to me that it can be done any other way, and therefore I was curious about how people seem to have these full blown relationships with their MM's that include spending nights together and dates. I can't fathom how they aren't getting caught. Most of this I am beginning to realize is because the life situations in which these type of affairs occur are different from our life situations, or they are willing to risk getting caught.

[stillhere]

There are always a few bs's that jump in and give their 2 cents, i like to ignore them. They have the right to say how they feel, i don't take it personally.

 

DC, every affair is different, mine is a little easier than some, and others have way more time with their MM than i do. Mine is not leaving either. He told me this from the beginning, and he still says it to this day. He says he loves me, and that it's not that he wouldn't leave her for me, it's that he can't. Either way, the outcome is the same, he isn't leaving her.

 

I'm lonely i guess, but that is because i'm so in love with him, i don't want to be with anyone but him. Otherwise, i'm attractive, and can have pretty much any man i want. I get hit on all the time by good looking guys, that are single, but they can't offer me what i want for my future. When i do find that someone, i will leave my MM, as hard as it will be. I go out and have a good time, and although i'm not searching for someone, i know that i will meet someone who can offer me what i need. The best time to meet someone is when you aren't searching.

[casoria99]

I am a little tired of the moral self-righteoness of many of the ladies on board here....ok, yes, your husbands vowed to be faithful to you. And you were a certain weight when they married you too. And you were sweet and hardworking. Today, you might be a blimp who watches TV all day long and has nothing more on her mind than shopping and bills. Maybe his vows were to a different person.

 

Did you just marry to have the kids and the house and dont really care too much for your guy? Perhaps thats why he found someone who did.

 

If a man is cheating regularly, maybe he has a reason sometimes.

 

And maybe some of these other women offer something he doesnt get at home.

 

Quit whining and own up to some failure yourself.

 

The wives are not just victims. In my case, the wife thinks that the man should pursue her and that she doesn't have to do anything to turn him on. It was easy for him in his 20's when the wind would cause a hard-on but in his 40's and after a few arguments and other stupid incidences in their relationship, he has to be turned on. She hasn't figured that out and is still waiting on him to perform.

[casoria99]

surely you mean must have

 

newbby...I like the way you handle yourself!

[casoria99]

Newbby,

 

Just got done reading the whole string of comments from everyone. I am

flabbergasted at all of this. Especially your comment last. Where you stated that these are help forums. OMG. HELP FORUMS? Sure did not sound like that to me. Sounds like more of "Can I get ideas on how to keep an affair going with a married man without getting caught". Have not read

anything before from Hival but after reading what was said I think he hit it right on the head. It is pathetic. There are plenty of men out there and there is no reason other than you have no self respect and have such low self esteem that you have to be hooking up with a MM. Your letting yourself be used and cheapened. And the worst is that you know it is wrong (obviously because you don't want the wife to find out). Why do you think so little of yourself that you don't strive for a legitimate relationship. It is a proven fact that most cheaters will be cheated on some day. And when it happens no doubt you will be crushed and upset that it happened to you. Then maybe you can really post honestly on this "Help Forum".

 

 

As horrible as the conversation is about how to have an affair without getting caught, this is in fact a topic that many women involved with lying married men find themselves. It's also therapeutic for them to discuss this and is an important concept that surely any married woman or husband would want to understand.

 

By asking painful questions, many people find answers.

 

And yes it is helpful. And I don't think that most people are on these forums to figure out how to find love...but rather how to deal with pain.

[stillhere]

And yes it is helpful. And I don't think that most people are on these forums to figure out how to find love...but rather how to deal with pain.

 

Very well said! I come here for comfort, and to try and help others. This forum isn't a "how to" manual for affairs. Us OW's come here because there are others who have been or are in the same situation as us.

 

We don't expect everyone to understand how we feel or what we are going through, we just like to know that we are not alone.

[lovernotafighter]

Sounds to me like you have taken your MM's bullsh*t hook, line and sinker. Same old story. "She doesn't understand me." "She's mean to me." "She smells." "She's a pig." "She won't have sex with me, but I love her so much." And you eat it up faster than a pig at a trough. Because your LONLEY. Talk about self-righteousness. That you are not. But that's fine. People like you DESERVE to live in the private hell you've created for yourselves. And reap the negative rewards that come with it. Oh, and the best line of all, "Your special to me", all the while banging still yet another chick on the side. You're all so pathetic. No backbone. No real happiness in your future. Because you ignore the good ones, and constantly run after liars and deceivers You will always be lonely. Remember this, relationships that are begun with lies and deceit are DOOMED!!! That's a fact. Nothing beats pure, honest love. None of you will ever have that because even if you end up with your married man, you will have each others face to look at to remind you of how you got together.

 

Hmm I'm a OW/MW I didn't end up in this situation out of loneliness and myself esteem is not suffering, quite the contrary, I am bandying narcissism.

 

however here I am involved in a affair. mine started out as pure undaunted sexual desire..a flame that could not be put out. we coveted what we seen everyday and it began a cascade of problems.

 

we are not ugly we are very beautiful but our insides tell a different story, for what we have done we feel terrible pain but now we don't know how to stop this addiction.

 

do we deserve (my MM and I, I can't speak for other posters) our private self created hell..absolutely. but your idea of motivation is not correct, however the lines you seem to know first hand has been used by both my MM and I..so who's falling for what with me..who knows.

 

but I'm not sure what your purpose of posting this is, you are telling me some of what I already know, some of what you think and none of your own experiences with this subject.

 

what makes you so certain this is what all affairs are made of? or is this your personal opinion with out the research first hand?

[Blind Illusion]

I am going to venture to say that at least half of the thread hi-jacks at Love Shack result because someone decides they must judge the reason for the thread in the first place. That is precisely what seems to have started here.

 

I think its a fact of life that people are sometimes involved in less than favorable circumstances. Someone might be involved with a married man, a drug user, a gambler and possibly, worst of all, an arrogant idiot! Sometimes, folks might even need some advice regarding how to deal with such situations. Ideally, those with a similar life experience might be able to offer what worked for them (notice the success of all those Alanon- type support groups) although others can also throw in a supportive word or two. There really isn't any point in terms of help, for someone to just start spewing out words about why someone is in this relationship in the first place. That's not what the original poster asked advice about in the first place..

 

In this particular instance, a person wanted to know about the instances where meetings took place. Why judge the circumstance? If one cannot relate or ponder, move along. It seems kind of simplistic to me for someone to just come barging in on a thread with an a response that has nothing whatsoever to do with the question.

 

Imagine if I was a vegetarian and I sought to reply in recipe forum by going to a thread that asked for ideas on how to cook a pork roast. Instead, I condemned the person for eating meat and spoke of how doing so was morally wrong. Such would be totally uncalled for because I was answering with some response that was never sought in the first. Sure, people are entitled to their own outlooks but one looks foolish when one cannot offer them in response to a question looking for them.

[lindya]

I am a little tired of the moral self-righteoness of many of the ladies on board here....ok, yes, your husbands vowed to be faithful to you. And you were a certain weight when they married you too. And you were sweet and hardworking. Today, you might be a blimp who watches TV all day long and has nothing more on her mind than shopping and bills. Maybe his vows were to a different person.

 

Did you just marry to have the kids and the house and dont really care too much for your guy? Perhaps thats why he found someone who did.

 

If a man is cheating regularly, maybe he has a reason sometimes.

 

And maybe some of these other women offer something he doesnt get at home.

 

Quit whining and own up to some failure yourself.

 

 

Most people on this site are adults, and therefore the general encouragement they receive is to conduct their relationships like adults. Where one partner lets him/herself go a bit, and this has a negative impact on the other partner's feelings for them, the rational and mature thing for the other partner to do is address that with the usual mixture of honesty and diplomacy that (hopefully) most reasonably intelligent adults can manage if they put their minds to it.

 

The person who uses deception and disloyalty in order to punish a partner for not meeting expectations is operating on an alarmingly childish level. Essentially, you're justifying that deception by suggesting that the victims of that deception "asked for it", which is a highly skewed notion of personal responsibility - and also quite a harmful one.

 

Rather than bitch about the shape other people's partners may or may not be in, perhaps it would do you good to train your mind into better shape so that you're better equipped to tackle issues pertaining to ethics and personal responsibility. Your post just sounds incredibly ill thought out and juvenile.

I don't know you, but nonetheless I feel embarrassed for you.

[yesmaybe]

My MM and I work together (I am his coordinator), so we have a good amount of time together. I go along on some of his business trips.

 

In the beginning of our A, it was easy to keep things a secret. He and his wife lead rather separate lives, and he always came back home before a certain time. He kept his routine of 15+ years the same.

 

But, once the routine changes...then it's not a secret anymore. And once the MM is in love, then it's only time before the affair is exposed.

[Guest]

Boy, you are all some screwed up chicks.

 

You see a flame, and keep putting your hand in it.

[lindya]

Boy, you are all some screwed up chicks.

 

You see a flame, and keep putting your hand in it.

 

 

Cold showers all round, then.

[Lollie72]

And if I could go back 14 years, I'd have at least had the balls to kiss him...

[Lollie72]

Because personally, I'm still married, and one we moved apart and I assumed it was the end I allowed myself to basically immediately fall in love again with an acquaintance who I was avoiding because of my attractiong, so I'm in a divorce and have a BF. So now everyone in my family is confused at the quick change of events. Some are judgemental of my new relationship. However the marriage wasn't marriage, it was "war-rage" and my spouse treated my like an enemy, so I don't believe it was love at all. My new BF is showing me that by actually giving me healthy and mature love now!

[Lollie72]

Sorry, not at MM. I'm sure this struck a chord with you. You just don't want to admit it. Your too much into the "selfish" mode to where you don't care about anybody, anything, except your MM. Not even yourself. Pathetic!!

 

Anyone would want to be with the person they love, whether or not they are married....wouldn't you ????

[Lollie72]

My MM and I work together (I am his coordinator), so we have a good amount of time together. I go along on some of his business trips.

 

In the beginning of our A, it was easy to keep things a secret. He and his wife lead rather separate lives, and he always came back home before a certain time. He kept his routine of 15+ years the same.

 

But, once the routine changes...then it's not a secret anymore. And once the MM is in love, then it's only time before the affair is exposed.

 

I agree with not rolling the dice continuously and risking exposure in a random way and getting it stuck to the MM by his wife. He can control how she finds out-especially if his conscience is truely bothering him and he wants out of the A closet so-to-speak. It's so hard to pretend your not in love. My new BF and I are pretending to be just friends in our huge social group(where we met) because I'm going through a divorce and they could gossip and be very hurtful and judgemental. I'm also concerned about bringing him to my church where I was married to my husband.

[Lollie72]

Sounds to me like you have taken your MM's bullsh*t hook, line and sinker. Same old story. "She doesn't understand me." "She's mean to me." "She smells." "She's a pig." "She won't have sex with me, but I love her so much." And you eat it up faster than a pig at a trough. Because your LONLEY. Talk about self-righteousness. That you are not. But that's fine. People like you DESERVE to live in the private hell you've created for yourselves. And reap the negative rewards that come with it. Oh, and the best line of all, "Your special to me", all the while banging still yet another chick on the side. You're all so pathetic. No backbone. No real happiness in your future. Because you ignore the good ones, and constantly run after liars and deceivers You will always be lonely. Remember this, relationships that are begun with lies and deceit are DOOMED!!! That's a fact. Nothing beats pure, honest love. None of you will ever have that because even if you end up with your married man, you will have each others face to look at to remind you of how you got together.

 

Take your anger out on your therapist will ya.

[Joelle]

I am a little tired of the moral self-righteoness of many of the ladies on board here....ok, yes, your husbands vowed to be faithful to you. And you were a certain weight when they married you too. And you were sweet and hardworking. Today, you might be a blimp who watches TV all day long and has nothing more on her mind than shopping and bills. Maybe his vows were to a different person.

 

Did you just marry to have the kids and the house and dont really care too much for your guy? Perhaps thats why he found someone who did.

 

If a man is cheating regularly, maybe he has a reason sometimes.

 

And maybe some of these other women offer something he doesnt get at home.

 

Quit whining and own up to some failure yourself.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent. This is why as a married woman, I consider my husband's happiness a priority. Also, I keep myself in good physical shape (I'm more fit now than when I was married).

[Dangerously Close]

And if I could go back 14 years, I'd have at least had the balls to kiss him...

 

This is one of the reasons I let myself into this situation. I know I would be thinking the same thing.

[silktricks]

This is one of the reasons I let myself into this situation. I know I would be thinking the same thing.

 

It's odd, as a young adult (teen & twenties) I read that people always regret more the things they didn't do then the things they did. As a result, I did things. Now I regret the things I did far more than those I didn't do.

 

I think maybe the human psyche is just one that has regrets.

[owcanbhppy]

silk, i hope you learn to let go of regrets, its very liberating. i no longer regret anything. if its something i can change, i change it. ie i had regrets for not finishing college. wasnt getting my degree on the wall that way. so i signed myself up & finished. things that cant be changed can be learned from to make today more as you would have it.

 

guess this was kind of a tj, sorry dangerous. i understand your fear here. this one gives me anxiety also. hope everything works out for you.

[NightsDarkRose]

When we first started the "a" [if u could call it that] he would send me emails just to say good morning or to have a nice weekend. or if i didnt see him at work, he would call me and say " oh i didnt get a chance to see you today and i wanted to talk to you..." or things like that. or he would call and see if i wanted him to come by...and this was before anything really serious happened.

 

then there was a period of NC for like 2 months, even though we saw each other at work. and still, nothing serious at happened at this point.

 

then when it picked up again, it was like the first poster said, that something only happened if the chance was there....no phone calls or planning it out. and no little emails anymore just to see how i was.

 

i got the feeling that he started off the A that way to get my attention and have me liking him, then once he saw he had me, he figured he didnt have to put in that effort anymore. which was a stupid move on his part cause if he was smart, he would have pulled that behavior AFTER we had sex...not get cocky [no pun intended] and overconfident ahead of time cause i still havent slept with him, and on monday im telling him to **** off. hahahaha the dirtbag.

[NightsDarkRose]

so i dont want to confuse everyone with posting up something that didnt seem to fit