A Friend In Need...

[vi_pn]

I have a guy friend that I've known for about 9 months. Ever since I met him, I knew he had a problem with c*ke...

I have some friends that knew him from before I met him. They told me that he had alot of potential and was really great guy until he started hanging around the wrong crowd...

 

When I first met him, like I said I was aware that he had a problem, but even still I could see his "good side" coming out whenever we'd hang out. He always treated me good, just like a girlfriend-always making me laugh, making sure I was happy, flirting, calling or texting me all the time, and I could tell that he was being genuine, just like my friends told me he was. He would always mention to me that he wanted to quit and get his life back together, and I believed him....

 

To this day, he is still well into his habit. And now it seems as though he gets really bad mood swings, even to the point of being mean...even to me. It really confuses me that he can be nice one minute, then be rude the next. Though he realizes how he was acting later on and then apologizes to me. Sometimes it makes me mad to the point of not caring anymore, but then I think about the times that he isn't messed up, and how he treats me with respect. I really miss the way he was before and want "him" back.

 

My question's are:

-Is it worth trying to help a drug addict, knowing that deep down they want to change?

-What's the best way of helping a drug addict?

-Are his mood swings the result of his addiction?

-Could he be depressed?

-Would he even care that I was trying to help him?

 

I understand that he has to want to change first, but like I said before, he's told me that he's been wanting to quit. I'm just not sure when.

I really do care for him, and want to help him, but I'm just not sure if I should even get myself involved. I was even thinking the next time that he's mean to me, I would stop talking to him, ignore his calls, and see what happens from that. The only thing is that I don't want him to think that I gave up on him, especially since it seems like everyone else has...

[amaysngrace]

Unfortunately addicts need to help themselves. And it usually isn't until they hit rock bottom to address their issues.

 

It's very possible he is depressed, especially if he expresses a desire to change. The only problem is he has an addiction and most can't just quit at will.

 

The mood swings are common. And are most likely related to the cocaine use.

 

I would suggest you be around him if you feel you may be helping him and it isn't too draining on you. As long as his addiction isn't affecting your life in a negative way, then be supportive of him and encourage him to get the help he needs.

 

Realize that oftentimes drugs are used as a temporary fix to help a person cope with a much bigger issue.

 

If this is the case, your friend may need to talk to someone about the problems that aren't drug-related.

[superconductor]

Is it worth trying to help a drug addict, knowing that deep down they want to change?

 

Depends how much effort you want to put into it. But you're not his therapist or his addiction counsellor. That's not your job, nor should it be. Leave it to the professionals.

 

What's the best way of helping a drug addict?

 

Get him into a treatment program.

Are his mood swings the result of his addiction?

 

His entire being is a result of his addiction. When he's hopped up on his chemical of choice, you're not seeing him, you're seeing the drug.

Could he be depressed?

 

Possibly, but that's impossible to say without a proper medical assessment.

 

Would he even care that I was trying to help him?

 

He will once he's clean, but until that time he'll probably resent your efforts and see them as interference.

[Yamaha]

If he's a really good friend then he is definitely worth helping. If you were in the same situation wouldn't you want one of your friends to help you? Getting involved will depend on how much you care about helping him. Many people say they care but fall short on the follow through. He also must recognize his problem and be willing to seek help. You cannot force him. Ask him if he is willing to seek help and then you can look for help in your area. If he is unwilling to seek help then your hands are tied and backing off from him might be a good idea if he is being verbally abusive.

 

All you can do is offer him help if he is willing to seek it.

[blind_otter]

My question's are:

-Is it worth trying to help a drug addict, knowing that deep down they want to change?

-What's the best way of helping a drug addict?

-Are his mood swings the result of his addiction?

-Could he be depressed?

-Would he even care that I was trying to help him?

 

You can't really help a drug addict, they have to help themselves. They have to be motivated on their own to seek out help to get clean and sober. That's pretty much the end of it.

 

The best way to help them is to tell them that they have a problem, and that they need help. I've gone online and found NA/AA meetings time and locations for people in the past, but that's it.

 

The mood swings could be anything, because of the addiction, or because he's depressed.

 

He may care, but really it's not a good idea to immerse yourself in trying to help him. He needs to do the work to help himself, or he won't stay sober.

[Ladywithafan]

Everything in your post is my boyfriend.

 

Mood swings, meaness to me, the eternal quest for help yet every friday night becomes "his" night to escape reality with his other woman, "cocaine".

 

We are still together but the drug has certainly tainted our relationship. I am standing by to be of help. But I am trying to seperate myself at this point as far as responsibility.

 

Wish I had the answer.

[vi_pn]

Everyone has given me good advice on how to approach this matter and I really appreciate it And I truly understand that it has the be the person who wants to change first because you can't change a person I just hope it happens sooner than later so nothing bad happens to him

 

I haven't talked to him since he sorta yelled at me, and I'm not sure when I should try and call him again. I always want to make sure he's okay but I don't want to annoy him either, especially since he gets moody. But the thing is, I only call him but maybe once or twice a week, but mostly on the weekends. And I know he does it more on the weekends, so it's probably a good idea to call him more during the week. Also, I don't know if this is unusual for someone heavily involved with drugs, but he cuts off his phone sometime, but I have a feeling he's afraid he's being "watched". Does anyone know if that could be why he does that?

[vi_pn]

Everything in your post is my boyfriend.

 

Mood swings, meaness to me, the eternal quest for help yet every friday night becomes "his" night to escape reality with his other woman, "cocaine".

 

We are still together but the drug has certainly tainted our relationship. I am standing by to be of help. But I am trying to seperate myself at this point as far as responsibility.

 

Wish I had the answer.

 

I totally understand how you feel, because it's evident that we're going through the same thing, although he's your bf, which you probbaly see almost everyday. At least I know that the mood swings and meaness are common in people who use. Like he has 2 different personalities

[vi_pn]

Oh I have another lil question....

 

When do you think I should call him again? The last time I talked to him was last Friday, while he was high and when he was kinda mean to me.

 

I had called him earlier on Friday, and we had a good conversation, because I could tell he wasn't all messed up. He told me to call him later so we could hang out, so I did, he told me where he was, so I said I'd meet him there. Well on the way there I got pulled over, but it was just a warning, so after I was let go, I called him and he didn't answer. So I called again, just to let him know that I was pulled over, and he answered and told me to stop calling. So I instanly was pissed off by that comment so I just went to a friends house. Later on that night, he called me from a friends phone, but I didn't answer because I knew it was him and I was still mad. He then called again about a half hour later, and I still didn't answer. So I'm not sure what he wanted to tell me, I don't even know if it was to apologize or what, I kinda wish now that I had answered the phone. But anyways...that was the last time I've heard from him. So when should be a good time to call him back? Especially since he seems to have a short tension spand when he's doing his "thing". Should I just wait for him to call me back or what? I don't want him to think I gave up on him I guess, that's why I'm wondering.

[amaysngrace]

Later on that night, he called me from a friends phone, but I didn't answer because I knew it was him and I was still mad. He then called again about a half hour later, and I still didn't answer. So I'm not sure what he wanted to tell me, I don't even know if it was to apologize or what, I kinda wish now that I had answered the phone..

 

I think you should call him whenever you feel like you're ready to talk to him. You did the right thing by not answering his call. You are setting boundaries with him, and that's only going to work to your benefit if you maintain a relationship with him.

[vi_pn]

I think you should call him whenever you feel like you're ready to talk to him. You did the right thing by not answering his call. You are setting boundaries with him, and that's only going to work to your benefit if you maintain a relationship with him.

 

Yah I'm glad I didn't answer his calls, even though he called from his friend's phone, probably so that I'd think it wasn't him until I would've answered the phone. The only thing I did was text message him and it was the next day, saying that if he'd called that I was asleep, and said that after he pretty much yelled at me, that I just went the f*ck home. And that was it, so I haven't tried to contact him since then. But yah I made it clear to him, that I'm not going to put up with his bad attitude, and I understand it might be the drugs talking but I think if somehow he realizes that he loses friends by the way he treats them (which he has) then he'll hopefully figure out that it's time to give up his habit once and for all.

[Ladywithafan]

I totally understand how you feel, because it's evident that we're going through the same thing, although he's your bf, which you probbaly see almost everyday. At least I know that the mood swings and meaness are common in people who use. Like he has 2 different personalities

 

Is what it's being called substance dependancy induced psychosis....you can look it up on the web...I think it really covers a lot of ground.

 

Again, everyone that does cocaine comes in with a different set of genetics......I never suffered from the "cravings" that I see my boyfriend has...I think a lot has to do with learned behavior. He feels if it's Friday night, it must be time to get high...to me, it's time to go to a movie, play, event...whatever...we're all programmed differently.

[Ladywithafan]

...is common.

 

If you're high, and especially depressed, you don't won't to blow your high by someone trying to make you think on the other end of the phone.

 

You don't want people to know you're high...you're in your own world.

[blind_otter]

I never suffered from the "cravings" that I see my boyfriend has...I think a lot has to do with learned behavior. He feels if it's Friday night, it must be time to get high...to me, it's time to go to a movie, play, event...whatever...we're all programmed differently.

 

I would get physically ill after I used just a little, if I didn't get more. I don't know if it was my body chemistry, or learned behavior, because I got high randomly, not every weekend. I would get the shakes, throw up, the works. Everyone is different, some people I knew had very manageable come downs. i never did.

[vi_pn]

I just tried to call him and the message still says, "temporarily unavailable" it's been a week since I last called him and heard that message. It's never been off for that long. I'm not sure what's going on though, so it makes me a lil worried. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but he thinks his phone is being tapped. And sometimes I think he turns off because of that fact. Would anything he says on his phone or anything that I say or text get him in serious trouble? Honeslty I'm not sure if that's the case or not, but I'm worried about him right now.

[Ladywithafan]

...they can be located by signal...listen I can't even get my boyfriend's texts & the phone bill's in my name....I wouldn't sweat it...if the #'s temporarily unavailable...it means he didn't pay his bill.

[Brooks]

I just kicked my boyfirend out after living with him for close to a year. I like many of you knew he had a problem when we met but he was waiting to get into treatment in July 2005 so I thought wow! he's gonna do something about his problem. I never realized the magnitude of his problem until he started relapsing constantly. He got into treatment again finally in March 2006. He recently started relapsing again and I said enough is enough and told him to find somewhere to live for Aug 1, 2006. Well he found a place and got really mean with me before he moved out. He was a totally different person and I could tell that cocaine had taken over his life again.

 

I changed the locks one night after he was very verbally abusive and he showed up in the middle of the night banging on the door for over 2 hours. I eventually called the police and they removed him. He started calling shortly after beggin me to answer and pleaded with me not to do this. Well when I refused to give in like I had always done he got verbally abusive again. I hung up and he contacted me the next day to come pick up his stuff. I just found out he changed his phone number and has not called to apologize, or repair the damage to the walls or even give me money for supporting him for a few months.

 

Addicts can be very ungrateful but you can't take it personal and you may be doing more harm to them, but especially to yourself by staying in the situation. Life has been a breath of fresh air since the addict in my life has gone his way. He'll have no one but himself to blame for any decision he makes and hoping one of those decisions get him back into treatment. Letting them hit bottom is the best/only first step to recovery! Good to know we're not alone in seeing the good in some addicts.

[vi_pn]

...they can be located by signal...listen I can't even get my boyfriend's texts & the phone bill's in my name....I wouldn't sweat it...if the #'s temporarily unavailable...it means he didn't pay his bill.

 

you're right he didn't pay his bill! I called his phone company, punched in his number and it said he had an overdue balance. Just the other day, I called it again, and it said he finally paid his bill. I still haven't talked to him though. I'm not sure if I should wait for him to call me, or should I call him? We haven't talked for more than 2 weeks. Oh yah, about the phone tapping, you said it can be located by signal? what does that really mean, like what happens? I never know what I can and can't say to him over the phone, so when I mentioned "cop" I didn't know if that would get him in trouble or not. yah it may sound stupid, but I really don't know what would get him in trouble. Do you know what not to do or say?

[vi_pn]

I just kicked my boyfirend out after living with him for close to a year. I like many of you knew he had a problem when we met but he was waiting to get into treatment in July 2005 so I thought wow! he's gonna do something about his problem. I never realized the magnitude of his problem until he started relapsing constantly. He got into treatment again finally in March 2006. He recently started relapsing again and I said enough is enough and told him to find somewhere to live for Aug 1, 2006. Well he found a place and got really mean with me before he moved out. He was a totally different person and I could tell that cocaine had taken over his life again.

 

I changed the locks one night after he was very verbally abusive and he showed up in the middle of the night banging on the door for over 2 hours. I eventually called the police and they removed him. He started calling shortly after beggin me to answer and pleaded with me not to do this. Well when I refused to give in like I had always done he got verbally abusive again. I hung up and he contacted me the next day to come pick up his stuff. I just found out he changed his phone number and has not called to apologize, or repair the damage to the walls or even give me money for supporting him for a few months.

 

Addicts can be very ungrateful but you can't take it personal and you may be doing more harm to them, but especially to yourself by staying in the situation. Life has been a breath of fresh air since the addict in my life has gone his way. He'll have no one but himself to blame for any decision he makes and hoping one of those decisions get him back into treatment. Letting them hit bottom is the best/only first step to recovery! Good to know we're not alone in seeing the good in some addicts.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. It seems like a pattern that addicts are verbally abusive, especially to the ones that care for them and try to help, and that's unfortunate. It's good that you called the cops because who knows what he could've done.

 

I'm afraid he's getting deeper into his habit, I mean he can't even pay his phone bill, among other things. So I know he's going to hit rock bottom pretty soon. I want to be there to help him if he needs me, but if he keeps being an a** than I don't know how much longer I can deal with him. I try not to take it personally, especially because I know that he acts like that when he's using, when he's not, he's one of the nicest guys I know. It's SO weird. I just wonder if he realizes he's being an a** to me. Now I'm not sure when I should call him again after that happened over 2 weeks ago. But now his phone is back on because he paid his bill, luckily he didn't change his number.

 

I'm happy for you though You really stuck it out with him, that is brave! But now he needs to fend for himself, because you did all you could to try & help him. Now you get to have YOUR life back

[Ladywithafan]

the vicinity of the phone can be traced....there's just so much bad stuff going on everywhere...I don't even know what to stress about anymore...we've had 3 SWAT raids in my town in the past week...word is the dealers were telling on each other...could be just the time of year as in...oh what do they call them...indictments, yeah, that's it...it's almost September...indictment time...sweep the streets clean for a while....

 

but seriously, I guess, stay out of it would be my advice...

[vi_pn]

the vicinity of the phone can be traced....there's just so much bad stuff going on everywhere...I don't even know what to stress about anymore...we've had 3 SWAT raids in my town in the past week...word is the dealers were telling on each other...could be just the time of year as in...oh what do they call them...indictments, yeah, that's it...it's almost September...indictment time...sweep the streets clean for a while....

 

but seriously, I guess, stay out of it would be my advice...

 

when u mentioned, "the vicinity of the phone can be traced" how does that work exactly?

[Ladywithafan]

when u mentioned, "the vicinity of the phone can be traced" how does that work exactly?

 

...a locater system in them...like GPS...if people have the right equipment the phone's location is traceable...pretty simple...

[vi_pn]

Ladywithafan- You've been so helpful with this situation, thank you!

 

ok you promise it has nothing to do with texting the word "cop" in his phone?!! All I said was that I got pulled over in the process of meeting up with him. He's always told me to watch out what I say when I text him, but I wasn't really thinking that night that I texted him. The only reason why I ask is because is phone is cut off again! When I called the phone company before (last week) it said that ALL his phones had been paid. BUT I still haven't heard from him, well I haven't called him since I last texted him, and he hasn't called me either. Well today I called his phone company again, and it said he owes the same balance again, wtf?! I'm not sure if I punched in the wrong # when I got the recording that it was paid or what, but now I'm confused and now I'm wondering if he has a new number or switched companies, but if he hasn't paid his current balance, how the hell can he be approved for a different company? UHHH I know I'm worrying to much about this, WAY too much, but I worry about him ALOT. I had a cousin that dealt with a similar addiction and it wasn't good, and stuff happened. Also I know know someone else who was even hospitalized for the same thing. So I'm always worrying about his safety and well being, because I care. And I don't want anything to happen to him like what happened to my cousin and friend.

[blind_otter]

he probably tried to pay but either his check bounced or his credit card payment didn't go through. It takes a few days for them to catch that.

 

You really do need to stop worrying about him so much. He's a big boy. He has to deal with the consequences of his behavior and you are obviously not that close to him so why do you want so desperately to take care of such a loser?

[Ladywithafan]

Ladywithafan- You've been so helpful with this situation, thank you!

 

ok you promise it has nothing to do with texting the word "cop" in his phone?!! All I said was that I got pulled over in the process of meeting up with him. He's always told me to watch out what I say when I text him, but I wasn't really thinking that night that I texted him. The only reason why I ask is because is phone is cut off again! When I called the phone company before (last week) it said that ALL his phones had been paid.

 

ok...they gave you this info????

 

BUT I still haven't heard from him, well I haven't called him since I last texted him, and he hasn't called me either. Well today I called his phone company again, and it said he owes the same balance again, wtf?

 

Again, curious how they gave out his bill/payment information...

 

 

! I'm not sure if I punched in the wrong # when I got the recording that it was paid or what, but now I'm confused and now I'm wondering if he has a new number or switched companies, but if he hasn't paid his current balance, how the hell can he be approved for a different company? UHHH I know I'm worrying to much about this, WAY too much, but I worry about him ALOT. I had a cousin that dealt with a similar addiction and it wasn't good, and stuff happened. Also I know know someone else who was even hospitalized for the same thing. So I'm always worrying about his safety and well being, because I care. And I don't want anything to happen to him like what happened to my cousin and friend.

 

 

I do think you're worrying way too much...you'll go grey....I'd let it be...he knows what he's into...stuff is bound to happen in these situations...