I really do not understand anymore.

[TurtlePower]

Hey everyone I have been lurking on this site for some time now and finally built enough courage to join. Everyone seems eager to help. With that in mind, I ask you for some insight and or advice:

 

I am in my 20s and I am a male. I have two very good friends who happen to be going out with one another. The girl in the relationship and me are self proclaimed best friends as I have known her longer and better. I became friends with her bf through her, we weren't exactly forced to be friends, but then again, it helped that he got along with me and vice versa. To provide a background, a few years ago, the guy and my friend were going through "friends with benefits" stage. All the while she kept telling me how much she loved him and blah blah blah. Being best friends with a girl is tough, I mean real tough. They ultimately ended the brief friends with benefits stage and moved on.

 

During these 3 months of so, I was there for her night and day, encouraging her all the way that she'll be fine and whatnot. I was her rock, I was her shoulder to cry on. We both made a pact that I could not have a girlfriend while she was single because she really had no one else outside of her family that was there for her as much as I was. In fact, rumors started flying that her and I were a thing. Naturally when people saw how flirtatious we were to each other, thoughts would run rampant. Anyway, fast forward to about 2 Christmases ago, the guy returns and the courting of my best friend continues. She must have welcomed him with not only open arms but open legs, because she ultimately became pregnant. During the time when the courting of my best friend was taking place, the guy started befriending me, a clever tactic, if you ask me, but he also always went on how he wasn't looking for a long term relationship, we even talked about certain girls that were attractive and who we would like to meet. So when I found out she was pregnant by him, I really didn't know what to think. Was I just getting lip service the whole time?

 

Anyway, my best friend and I continued to be close as always, albeit not night and day as we once were, but we survived. Again fast forward, to this year. A few months ago, there was a HUGE argument between her and him. He claimed that she was having an affair with me. You see, we made a ritual to hang out at least once a week to spend time with each other. I assumed he thought we were hanging out for other reasons. He would hint and say things like,"Oh you're wearing a skirt because Jim is coming over" or "You certainly look nice today, oh wait, its Monday, the day you and Jim hang out." Stuff like that, ultimately it came down to him being insecure. To make an already long story short, I noticed ever since that huge argument, her and i aren't close anymore, we rarely do anything together. The baby is about a yr old now, and I don't mind if the baby comes with us, so that isn't a good enough excuse for me. For example, I would ask her if she wanted to hang out or have lunch and the responses would be, "I don't know if I am allowed" or "I don't think I can." Even if I ask her to do things that are 2 weeks in advance. With no real reasoning behind it. My gut tells me that she is afraid to do anything with me or do anything nice for me (I didn't even get a birthday gift or recognition of my college graduation) because she does not want another huge argument with him again. He still throws out hints that he thinks we do stuff on the side. Not true. I know her and I don't exactly have the "classic" friendship, we do flirt a lot and we know each other better than anybody. Don't get me wrong, I am not overly sensitive and I have a very active social life where I can hang out with any girl I want, but something is still missing. I miss having my best friend around. I really hope this isn't the end of a once great proud friendship. I apologize for the novel, but this is something I needed to get off of my chest.

[Guest]

I wasn't going to respond but the 'turtle' thing got to me. Sorta reminds me of my past home. ANyway, just want to add that breakups or getting it together sure is alot of pain for gain? It ain't what they say it would be.

 

Well whos talkin'? Just me. I sure feel the bumps. Just also wanted to say, feeling in love or whatever you call it is alot better than feeling dumped.

 

Well, maybe I'll write more. Gotta run and make dat money. Been mighty low and it looks like I've got a hellava mountain of debts and gruels to pay before I see the top again.

 

Thinkin' of ya, wishing the best to all here on LS. La la De de do. Back to work!

[magichands]

To provide a background, a few years ago, the guy and my friend were going through "friends with benefits" stage. All the while she kept telling me how much she loved him and blah blah blah. Being best friends with a girl is tough, I mean real tough. They ultimately ended the brief friends with benefits stage and moved on.

 

"Friends with benefits" is a misnomer. No such thing exists.

 

This sounds like a love triangle. Who knows if she is using you to make him jealous... I don't think she is serious about you.

 

I think you will continue to be hurt in this situation. You seem to have always wanted to be more than friends with this girl.

[norajane]

We both made a pact that I could not have a girlfriend while she was single

 

So, how many years are you willing to be without a girlfriend while she does whatever she pleases? You're wasting your time, and your life, waiting around for her to fall in love with you...no matter how much you may deny it to yourself. Go get yourself a girlfriend who can give you all the things you wish she could, but never will. Do you really want to be the third-wheel, the hanger-on, the doormat forever?

[Butterflying]

I think it was completely out of line and selfish of her to make a pact that YOU don't have a girlfriend while she is coping from a break up. Then she gets back with the same jerk and totally disses you. I agree that having a male/female relationship is difficult. I'm having issues with one right now.

 

In this case, I think you should give her space. Let her call you to make plans. Get a life and a girlfriend of your own. I know this hurts because you're losing a friend. But sometimes, if you give people enough rope, eventually, they will hang themselves. Since you're a great friend and you care about her a lot, don't take her actions personal.

 

This happens a lot when people get involved in bad relationships. It sounds like her BF is controlling and insecure. She loves him and is willing to make sacrifices for him. She needs a friend right now but she's too blinded by love to realize it. Be her friend from a distance. And when things come crashing down, be there for her because that's what friends are for.

 

And if she ever tries to control your love life again, you should stand up for yourself. You don't interfere with her decisons. So she shouldn't interfere with yours.

[Javelin]

So, how many years are you willing to be without a girlfriend while she does whatever she pleases? You're wasting your time, and your life, waiting around for her to fall in love with you...no matter how much you may deny it to yourself. Go get yourself a girlfriend who can give you all the things you wish she could, but never will. Do you really want to be the third-wheel, the hanger-on, the doormat forever?

 

My thoughts exactly.