My cheating spouse's mistresses hubby and I are now dating.

[paperazzi]

And this has happened just three months after the affair was revealed (as the wife, I was naturally the last to know). Does that seem wrong? Sure does on the surface. But before anyone judges, let me just say neither of us set out to "get back" at our spouses (we both acknowledge they're history), we're not desperate, we're not needy and we certainly didn't mean to connect the way we have. We are both fiercely independent people who married narcissists and our spouses themselves (before the affair was revealed) acknowledged that the two of us had so much in common (they used that as a justification for their own affair). We started out by talking about our pain caused by our spouses but it turns out we've got so much in common in how we communicate, our value systems, our expectations of other people and even with little things like our sense of humour, etc. We can talk for hours and hours about nothing to do with our spouses and it's fantastic.

 

It seems absolutely amazing to me that this has happened. I have never been able to connect with someone like this before (not even my spouse) and he says the same. Because of our fragility as far as respect and honesty goes, we've both been extremely honest with each other, so I believe what he has to say. It has made it so much easier to deal with the betrayal because we've been able to confide in each other and also consider each other very good friends.

 

Trouble is, people don't seem to think there's much legitimacy to our relationship (not that we've told too many people, of course) and seem to believe it's about being vengeful to our spouses, or we're in so much pain that we're clinging to whoever is available at the moment. I can guarantee (and he's confessed the same) that if he were anyone else, nothing would have happened, no fireworks, no nothing. We'd be two people dealing with the **** we've been dealt with without the joy of finding each other part.

 

Does anybody know what the likelihood of this kind of relationship has of lasting? His doctor told him he's heard of it quite a bit, actually, and the transgressees (betrayed spouses) relationships are often successful whereas the transgressors (cheaters) relationships rarely are. It's hopeful to hear because I think this man is an absolute gem and I think the mistress of my spouse is a complete moron for choosing my spouse (a charming narcissist) over him.

 

Any feedback would be most welcome!

[Citizen Erased]

I really see no problem with it. Alot of people bond after traumatic episodes in their lives, and your situation is no different. Just because some people are so small minded that they would prefer to think there is something horribly scandalous about this doesn't mean they are right. You both went through the same situation, you have alot in common, you have genuine feelings. That should be all that you need.

 

There is always the likelihood that the relationship, like every relationship, won't last, but just try and build something special and then the end of your first marriage can end up being the best thing that could have happened. People will judge when they think they can see anything worthy of attention. It will happen but you and those close to you know that this is for real so that is the main thing.

 

Good luck for the future and I hope you two are incredibly happy for with each other

[x kimber x]

I don't see a problem with it as long as you are happy. Let other people think whatever they want, at the end of the day it only matters that the pair of you know that that's what you want and what you are going to make work. Sometimes people are judgemental when they can't understand a situation, and they say things to try and justify it to themselves even though deep down they may know that that's not the case. Ignore them, and enjoy spending time with your new man! All the best to both of you!