sallyjavan Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 actually i broke up with my ex 4 years ago so we decied to stay friends after that. we kept being in touch with emails, phone calls, text message..... after our break-up i told him that i was dating again and that it wouldn't be right for us to be in contact and didnt want to hurt my current relationship i ended up getting engaged to my new bf after 4 months and had the wedding a year later. we lost contact. there would be times that we would start arguing and not talking to each other it went for quiet some time. it has not been easy on me for the past couple of months that i have been engaged up until i got married we would have these small aguments. So i've pretty much delt with it up until now. now i am married and he recently got married. before he got married he said something that i kind of got shocked when we had those arguments before he said the reason he started cusing me out and everything was for me to hate him and go away and admited that he still loves me, but i didnt say anything to him. my feelings had faded away from him but the love was still there. he has asked me and told me if there is anyway we can forget about this and stay friends. so we decided to give it another try this was when he still was engaged. we came upon another bad argument and told him that i couldn't no longer keep doing this if he cant communicate with me. this was after i got married our problems had started. i really really want to be able to reconsile and to make-up these bad time at least to get a couple of answer's from him but told myself its not worth theh time and effort to even put up with this for a while. so i still love my ex and have not told him yet and he doesn't know yet. but i'm afraid that if his wife finds out and my husband finds out that we've had any sort of contact what so ever then i'm sure they both will be devestated but i haven't had the guts to tell him. why, is it that its easy to fall in love and to fall out of love? i dont know what to do. i love my husband very much. And we have such a good time together but i dont understand why its taking so long for forgetting someone that was once close to you. there should be at least some explanation. i'm not in love with him but still love him. i have not spoken to him for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Honestly, some people don't deserve the love they are lucky enough to have in their lives! You have a husband you "love" and you're still hung up on some guy who's married to someone else?? How do you think your husband would feel if he knew this? How much energy are you spending thinking about this other guy, energy you could be putting into your marriage? How would you feel if your husband was hung up on one of his exes? It's so terribly unfair of you to get married to your husband when you are still loving another man. You are the worst kind of woman there is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sallyjavan Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 excuse me but before you jump into any conclusions what so ever he was the one cheating on his fiance while talking to me at the same time. he was the one asking for the friendship while he was engaged, he told me he was still in love with me which at that time i didnt say anything to him. and now your making it seem like i'm the one who's in fault. look, i dont know who you are i never needed a negative feedback who ever you are but please if you cant advise anything please then dont write back. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 SJ, chill. Guest is right. You've got to take a very hard and penetrating look at the part you played in this whole thing. Getting all irrational and emotional about it won't help, it'll just make you feel bad. And there's no real point in that. Your relationship with your husband is, obviously, of primary importance. That's not to diminish the feelings you had for your ex, because those feelings are undoubtedly real, but they're not based in reality. Your marriage is reality. Link to post Share on other sites
scrybe74 Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Is it possible that you are just feeling a little insecure about your marriage? It seems that you got married a little quickly and not too long after you broke up with your long time ex. It also seems that you've known your ex much longer than the new man. Familiar things are hard to let go. Especially with him confessing that he still loves you. My advice to either stop talking to him or minimize it as much as possible. It's hard for you to see how much you may be hurting your spouse right now. Also if you are having any problems at all in your marriage it's unfair because your ex will be there to talk to and support you emotionally. And you are not the worst kind of woman. Your just normal and human and you make mistakes like the rest of us. There's nothing wrong with love. But committment and loyalty and honesty is the hard part of marriage and your discovering that on your own. The mere fact that you are communicating with your ex behind your husband's back should clue you in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sallyjavan Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 yes, your right after i broke up with my ex i jumped into another relationship without healing from it and now after this many years i'm dealing with it. I forgot about it and moved on and its been a month or 2 i have not spoken to him because of this whole history & past. jeez, its not like i told the guy i love him or anything. he told me he loves me, and what threw me off was that during his engagement time period when he was engaged to this girl he resumed on talking to me. , i had nothing to do with him at all. he said that he wants to see me, asked me when i will visit him, and much much more i could go on but i wont. he cheated on his fiance during that time. yes, i understand there were hurt feelings before i dont have feelings for the guy all i ever wanted was friendship and he couldn't give that to me without any problems and thinking its best not to go towards that and dont have the time and the effort to do that. so if any of yall were engaged to be married and would constantly contacting your ex making plans to see them then obivously thats not a good sign is it? not unless its something important. actually, my marriage is getting much better day by day. i've put in so much effort to save my marriage. yes, i was in trouble for about a year with this ex thing. i didnt get married to divorce my husband. and now i'm am giving my 100% to my husband now and that is giving him the attention and love he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 And yet you're still posting about your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
lil_angel Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 ay, exes are tricky. guest, its not cheating to talk to an ex while in another relationship. i am still good friends w/ my ex. i know he still has feelings for me, and to be honest i probably still have some for him. however, that is not the same as wanting him back. i still care about him, and he's a good friend, and i cant erase the memories of how it felt when he would hold me or tell me i was beautiful etc. but that doesnt mean i want a relationship with him. i am now dating a wonderful man who i love more than anything. he knows im still friends with my ex. my ex, tho he still has feelings for me, knows we wont be gettng back together, and is in no way trying to steal me away. we are good friends, but no more than that. am i cheating on my bf b/c i cant just forget about my old relationship as if it never happened? am i a horrible person for deciding that just because me and my ex broke up, that didnt mean we had to end the friendship we had shared long before going out? i think not. he is my ex, and i know my boundaries, and make it very clear to all parties that there is no relationship or thought of one in my mind. but there's no reason to cut off our friendship just b/c dating didnt work out. just b/c sallyjavan is posting about her ex doesnt make her a two-timer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sallyjavan Posted July 20, 2006 Author Share Posted July 20, 2006 lil_angel thank you at least somebody agrees with me. for god sakes i'm not friends with my ex because our relationship ended in bad terms thats why i pulled myself away from this mess so he could move on easily so could i. your right memories cant be erased and i'm pretty sure it take a while for things to get erased easily. and why we cant be friends is because he's married and i'm married so i'm not putting any effort into this at all because i dont want to go back down to memory lane again. we bearly have any communication, we cant seem to understand each other anymore, were not the same people anymore, i mean there is no right answer. maybe for some people its easy to stay friends with there ex because there break-up was mutual but when a break up goes bad for some people there is no reason to stay friends with an ex. so lil_angel if i am wrong for any reason please say something. Link to post Share on other sites
jmars Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 There is nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with one's ex or having friendships with people of the opposite gender. However, if you are being deceitful, doing it behind your present husband's back, and can't tell him about it, THAT is a matter of great concern that has potentially dire consequences. It is an issue of personal integrity and interpersonal trust and respect. You leave yourself wide open for doubt and suspicion when you go behind someone's back like that. And your honour and trustworthiness is your responsibility. It is easy to rationalize how what you are doing is not wrong. BUT, it is wrong. Do you want to be believed? Do you want your word to have meaning? Do you want to be trusted and respected by your other half? If so, have the moral courage to behave like it. On the other hand, if you have no regard for your peronal honour and integrity, or the trust and friendship and intimacy that you (are supposed to) share with you current partner, continue to sit back and rationalise how this lie of omission, this violation of his trust in you, is actually okeedokee. It's your choice. It' your honour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sallyjavan Posted July 20, 2006 Author Share Posted July 20, 2006 jmars, actually at that time when i was still talking to the ex my husband found out that i was still talking to him. because i told him. i told him what was going on in the first place. he asked in several occasions to stop contact with this guy because it was messing up our life and wasa messing me up. so we lost contact for 5 months out of nowhere he email me again started getting angry towards me and actually told my husband whats going on. he kept telling me stop replying to his messages. until i finally had it with him and just left for good. i couldn't be friends with someone who was abusing the friendship and on the other hand cheating on his fiance while still talking to me. i mean there should at least be some sense in this guy.otherwise when he told me he loves me before got married he shouldn't have gotten married at all until he was past this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
jmars Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I see. Then you should take the cue, and stop replying to his attempts at contact. He and his problems are not you and your problems. Your current husband on the other hand, his love for you and you for him, should be your first priority. Guard that relationship, and don't risk undermining your trust for each other due to this loser ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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