BrokenSpirit Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 How does one find themself? I guess I will give a lil back story here because I feel very lost. I'm 26 and just got out of a long relationship a few months ago... I was too dependent on him... I think I looked to him to find my identity... And yes I have been getting professional help for this... But I feel I have a void in my life... I feel something is missing... The same things that used to make me happy dont anymore and I dont know if it is because Im depressed about the end of my relationship or because I am looking to truly find myself... Like my friends are still in the phase of life where they go out every weekend to clubs, get obliviated and stay out to all hours of the night... When I do go out, I end up at some point gettin upset and want to leave... Cry the entire way home because I miss my ex, then wind up feelin ****ty for days... Hangovers hurt now that Im not 21 anymore! lol But in all seriousness I guess I am trying to find other things to do with my time, which I have... But mostly I wind up at home just watching DVD's and dont know why Im so scared to actually make a change... So my question is how do I start on a path to truly discovering who I am? Do I just go out there and try new things, such as museums, galleries and just finding what Im interested in? And then how do I figure out what this void is in my life because the last thing I want to do is keep winding up in the same pattern in my life... I want to change, but Im scared for some reason... Any insight would be helpful... THANK YOU Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 How does one find themself? I dunno honey but when you find yourself, let me know so I can try it too. (sad day today) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Do I just go out there and try new things, such as museums, galleries and just finding what Im interested in? yes – don't look at it as trying to fill time that would have otherwise been spent with your ex, but as an opportunity to do the things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because time restraints. what interests you? Painting? Writing? Ballroom dance? Swimming? Hanging out in bookstores? Now's the time to pursue those things because your schedule is a bit freer. if you don't want to start classes, think about volunteering someplace. There's always a need for help wherever you look – nursing homes, animal shelters, hospitals, churches, library, etc. if you feel raw inside and can't handle the thought of being around people just yet, consider classes offered at a local church to help you delve into your spirituality. any of these things will help you get out and meet new friends as you pursue an interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Something I do for myself whenever I start to lose perspective of who I am, what I really care about, or to just maybe learn new things about myself: Take a vacation somewhere (by yourself) that will bring you a new perspective on life. My last major life/perspective altering vacation was for 4 weeks where i spent time in small villages in Cambodia, Laos, and Myanmar (and i'm not talking about major cities, i'm talking about 50-100 people villages - in huts with no electricty, running water, etc) . I couldn't even begin to describe for you the changes that happen to me, when I spend time with people like these. You can definitely begin to realize how screwed up your mind can become from western expectations and possessions that others have told you you must have in order to be happy. Of course you don't have to go to this kind of extreme to get these perspectives (i had my reasons for why I went) but I highly reccomend taking a vacation somewhere that will give you a different vibe on how life, love, and happiness is valued in other places. These experiences will help you grow, and as you grow, you learn about who you really are. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenSpirit Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 Thank you... I will definitely look into these things... A vacation alone... Omg I would be so scared to do that... But I am definitely going to try to push myself to attempt to do it... At least to look into it... I dont think I would go off that far but maybe just to go somewhere alone and clear my head might be a great thing... I feel like I just need to make some drastic changes in my life and I feel like I have no control over myself and cant push myself to do it... But I gotta push past that and make myself do it I know... Thank you again for the advice =) Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Actually, last March just after my ex and I split... I took a vacation alone to Canada (I'm in the UK). I went snowboarding in Banff. I went for 10 days and I loved every second of it. You know if you go on vacation alone, people find you and talk to you!! It's truly great. If I had spare cash right now, I would do it again right away! During the day I hung out at the ski cabin when I wasn't ski-ing and these skater/board guys used to talk to me all lunchtime, almost every day. Then in the evening, I'd eat someplace and on the first evening I fell into this bar with two English guys who were on my plane. Then every night after I'd sit at the bar watching hockey and drinking either beer or fruit juice and just hang out with the regular local guys. They loved having "the gutsy English girl" in their midst that they made me promise to go back! It's great... really plan a vacation, you'll love it..!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I started by deciding to live like a monk for a few years, meditate, exercise, polish and enhance my cooking skills and concentrate on those things about me I didn't much care for and had the power to change or fix. Over time I came to actually enjoy my own company and became my own best friend. Without any hard, fast or concrete plans I decided upon certain things about my life that were going to be far different in the future. With my life uncluttered and unfettered by the proximity of others, things gradually began to fall into place for me in wonderful ways. As all this was post-divorce following the end of a 25-year marriage, in time I realized what I absolutely wanted in a partner if I was ever again to have one although that was neither a plan nor a necessity. After all, I had me (and a cat) and that was all I really required. The entire process took about two years and I emerged from it whole, refreshed, calm, at peace with myself, resolved to do better and excited at once again "joining" the human race. Best of all, I rediscovered my capacity for joy which I had thought lost and gone forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I understand some of your confusion and fears. Good for you for realizing you want to find yourself. As you do things you think you want to do, pay attention to your feelings about them. Do you like this? Why/why? How much? What aspect do you like and what do you not like? Journalling, praying, reading, trying new things and taking risks you're comfortable with are all good. Taking classes in the evening instead of watching DVD's gives you some company, exploration of your likes/dislikes. I love travelling alone. I like eating alone. I hope you'll find that you like your company and what it is you want and do not want to admit into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 You know if you go on vacation alone, people find you and talk to you!! It's truly great I totally agree - it's amazing how many great people I meet and hang out with when I go on solo vacations - especially europeans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenSpirit Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Thank you all so much... You have all really given some great advice... I definitely want to be able to enjoy my own company and break out of my routines and just create change in my life... I am checking to find out when I can take my vacation time and how much I got and I may plan something... I just gotta work up my nerve to do it... But all your ideas were great thanx again! =)) Link to post Share on other sites
la_ant Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 I noticed that drinking *any ammount* of alcohol makes me feel down the following days. When I am in a ****ty mood, I stay away from alcohol. I only drink when I'm happy already... Maybe stopping alcohol will make the whole think not as hard. Good luck, Me Link to post Share on other sites
juniper fumes Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 I just want to add that I also think the vacation idea is a great one. And I think it's awesome that you want to do this for yourself. A bit over two years ago, my ex broke up with me after several years together. I was 28 at the time, and felt in some ways like you describe. I got a new apartment, got the pet I wanted for a while but couldn't have because my ex is allergic to cats, and learned how to enjoy being by myself. As time passed, I found I no longer stressed out any more about what to do on weekends, nights, etc, because I was perfectly happy if I ended up being by myself. That's not to say I was antisocial. I also used that time to strengthen friendships, and reconnect with people I hadn't seen in years due to being in a serious relationship. And after a year of really enjoyable singlehood, I embarked on the most fulfilling relationship of my life; I doubt it would be so good if I hadn't had that period of time to get to know myself so well. It sounds like you really know what you want from this, and are putting a lot of yourself into getting there. I think that alone will ensure your success. Good luck! I bet you will find this upcoming part of your life to be one of the most valuable. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Vacations aren't cheap and they also end, so I'm not sure this would work for everyone. Not me anyway, and I find it hard to talk to people unless they come up to me first...this makes me look like a total snob too. I would suggest day trips (yes, museums and galleries if that interests you) or something physical like trying out a new gym as alot of them offer day passes. Or go for long walks. Or take up golf. When I was looking for a "man" I enjoyed going for walks, but wasn't sure how that would work? A friend suggested going the same time every day, then if some guy who is interested noticed me, he would just "show up" some day. That didn't happen, and I felt it would encourage stalkers, but hey, it might work for others. I would love a vacation alone if I wasn't so shy and broke, and didn't have kids and a kazillion other responsibilities already. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 I totally agree - it's amazing how many great people I meet and hang out with when I go on solo vacations - especially europeans. Going away on your own, meeting all types of people and handling unfamiliar situations takes you out of your comfort zone. Makes you challenge yourself and your assumptions. It's also, like you say, a lot of fun. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 finding yourself if a life work - it can't necessarily be done on a vacation. although i guess that depends whether you're just a little lost or way off the map. for me, finding myself has required taking a long, objective look at my choices and decisions, at what i did wrong, at what i did right, and finding enough space and silence to hear the still small voice inside. you can travel the far east alone for six months and still fill up your time avoiding taking anything but a transitory look in the mirror. yes you will have a great time and maybe that's what you need, but it won't help you in getting to know yourself unless you make that the point of the trip. getting to know yourself requires at least as much effort as getting to know someone else. you need to spend time with yourself, listening to your own thoughts. that means turning off MTV (or whatever) and just BEING. as for the void in your life - the more you look the more you will realise that it can't be filled with material things. sure, you can find new passions - dancing, art, feng shui or whatever floats your boat - but you may find that the yearning for 'more' doesn't go away. it doesn't for everyone. and those people (i too am one of them) need to seek deeper and try to uncover what has ultimate meaning for them. it's a great journey. congratulations on asking the question. it means you're ready to begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 In other words, "Seek and ye shall find." Link to post Share on other sites
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