...my marriage is at a crossroads...

[skorch101]

What a great site to get support and ideas from. Thank you in advance for reading this if you do and offering input.

 

My wife and I got married about 1 year ago. We have been together now for 5 years, with the exception of a 3 month period that I broke up with her in 2003. We have moved 4 times now in that timespan. All the moves were job related promotions for myself. I think the first 2 moves were ok, but the last 2 got a bit overwhelming for my wife. She was sick of moving all the time. She wants a place to call home. I recently was approached about a possible job out West, one that my boss thought would be a good fit and a great opportunitiy for me. Mentioning this to my wife put her over the edge. We argued and fought for about a week. I went to the interview knowing in the back of my mind that I could not take this job if she wouldn't go with me. Turns out they wanted me to come back for a 2nd interview. At this point, things had gotten really bad w/ my wife. I told my boss that I couldn't go for the interview at this time but did appreciate the recognition. I thought that this was a huge step for me to take but she didn't see it that way. She became distant and didn't want anything to do with me. At the same time this was going on, I saw a text message on her cell phone from a guy she works with saying how much he loved her. I had never seen anything so hurtful in all my life. She admitted to seeing another guy and said they kissed but didn't have sex. She said now she needs to move out. She said she needs space from me and if there is any chance of this working, she needs to move out. So, in 10 days she is moving out. We have been going to counseling for the past few weeks but it doesn't seem to help. She said that she has so much anger built inside of her for the things I did in the past - mainly breaking up with her and dating another girl. She just hasn't gotten over it.

 

To think just less than a year ago we were sitting on the beach as happy as could be on our honeymoon thousands of miles away and now in less than 10 days my wife is moving out. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It is reality and it certainly has set in. I'm hurt, sad, depressed, and angry that there is another guy in the picture. We are a young couple - no kids and my wife is only 23 years old. She keeps telling me that b/c we were together so young, she never got the chance to go party like I did. That is a small part of all of this. The main part is getting over the past.

 

I still love my wife even after hearing about this other guy. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't know if I could ever get over her. I don't know what to do. I guess we are going to continue going to counselling but I'm scared of the future now without her.

 

I don't know, what I hope is that she spends a month or two away and realizes that she still loves me and that she wants to get together to try and work out problems and make our marriage better. That is my hope, but I'm worried that there isn't a good chance of that happening. I cry every single night right now and I was never this hurt in all my life.

 

Any advice out there? Any thoughts? Any predictions? Any words would be nice to hear during these tough times.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Jason

[dgiirl]

Hey Jason,

 

I'm sad to see you are going through this, but if you have to, you found the right place to hang out and get advice from. There's not much I can advise you on. Noone can really predict what will happen. I do think it's a good sign that you two are still going to counselling and that she is expressing her anger. I think if you let her express herself and if she truely believes you understand the pain she felt, then you might have a better chance of winning her back. However, nothing's a guarantee. The best thing you can do is work on yourself, improve yourself, and be there for your wife when and if she wants you there.

 

I know exactly the pain you must be feeling right now. I cried, non stop, 24-7, for 6 months straight. But I do want to tell you that the pain WILL go away if you allow it too. When you find yourself dwelling and crying too much on what you fear might happen in the future, just refocus your thoughts to better thoughts. You dont really know what will happen tomorrow. You might or might not get back with your wife, so dont predict the worst case scenario. Time, and actively focusing on your own improvement, will get you through these hard times. But trust me, the pain will go away.

 

Right now, you are going through a grieving process. And it's important to let yourself grieve. You should read up on the 5 stages of grief to have a better understanding of what you will experience in the near future. And of course keep posting. It really does help

 

Stay strong!

[Ladyjane14]

She said she needs space from me and if there is any chance of this working, she needs to move out. So, in 10 days she is moving out.

 

I'm sorry.... but the "space and time" request is a common theme. What she REALLY wants is an opportunity to play with the other guy and see if he's all that. Meanwhile, she's got YOU waiting patiently on the backburner in case he isn't.

 

I think if I were you, I'd come out strong and tell her that if she moves out she can stay out. And if she did, I'd file for divorce and move on with my life. You may have alot invested in her emotionally, but in terms of kids and mortgages and minivans, you're not tied down. Frankly, I think if you give her an opportunity to cheat right now, she's likely to take it. Then, you're looking at an escalation of the marital problems.

 

It sucks to have to put out an 'all-or-nothing' ultimatum. But doing it now beats the hell out of dicking around with her for ten more years just to have her turn around and do the same thing all over again. You'll be ALOT more invested later on down the pike too.

 

If she wants a break.... my best advice to you is to make it a clean one and then move on.

 

My two cents.

 

 

 

 

p.s. I'd go ahead and take that second interview if it was still available. Moving away is a win-win for you right now. If your wife chooses to stay in the marriage, it gets her away from OM, and if not... out of sight, out of mind.

[Guest]

Jason, that is a heartbreaking story, and where you are emotionally right now I know you can't see the long-term picture, so trust me when I tell you this: I completely understand your point of view because I have lived through a very similar situation.

 

As painful and impossible as this sounds, I think you should divorce this woman. She has cheated on you within a year of marriage. How crazy is that? She is making you feel bad and bringing up ridiculous excuses for her behavior, putting all of the blame on you. But . . . SHE IS CHEATING. When a woman says she kissed another guy outside of her marriage but didn't sleep with him, but the guy is texting her that he loves her, they have had animal sex in 99.9% of the situations using multiple different positions.

 

You have no kids. You're young. She's already told you she wants to sow her oats (and they're being sown, believe you me). You can't change that about her. You have nothing tying you to this crazy woman. Leave her to deal with the consequences of lying and cheating.

 

Sure, you might not have been the most attentive, loving, thoughtful man in the world. But nothing justifies this kind of betrayal. Learn from your mistakes, be a better man in your next relationship, but leave this philandering immature woman (who can't even support you in your burgeoning career) behind you and heal.

 

Use a divorce lawyer and never talk to her again. Become the most impassioned, intelligent, healthy, attractive person with the most fulfilling career possible. And live well and long with someone who really loves you.

 

I know it's advice you're not likely to take, because you're stuck in this mess right now. I hope you think about what I've said.

[tearza]

What a great site to get support and ideas from. Thank you in advance for reading this if you do and offering input.

 

My wife and I got married about 1 year ago. We have been together now for 5 years, with the exception of a 3 month period that I broke up with her in 2003. We have moved 4 times now in that timespan. All the moves were job related promotions for myself. I think the first 2 moves were ok, but the last 2 got a bit overwhelming for my wife. She was sick of moving all the time. She wants a place to call home. I recently was approached about a possible job out West, one that my boss thought would be a good fit and a great opportunitiy for me. Mentioning this to my wife put her over the edge. We argued and fought for about a week. I went to the interview knowing in the back of my mind that I could not take this job if she wouldn't go with me. Turns out they wanted me to come back for a 2nd interview. At this point, things had gotten really bad w/ my wife. I told my boss that I couldn't go for the interview at this time but did appreciate the recognition. I thought that this was a huge step for me to take but she didn't see it that way. She became distant and didn't want anything to do with me. At the same time this was going on, I saw a text message on her cell phone from a guy she works with saying how much he loved her. I had never seen anything so hurtful in all my life. She admitted to seeing another guy and said they kissed but didn't have sex. She said now she needs to move out. She said she needs space from me and if there is any chance of this working, she needs to move out. So, in 10 days she is moving out. We have been going to counseling for the past few weeks but it doesn't seem to help. She said that she has so much anger built inside of her for the things I did in the past - mainly breaking up with her and dating another girl. She just hasn't gotten over it.

 

To think just less than a year ago we were sitting on the beach as happy as could be on our honeymoon thousands of miles away and now in less than 10 days my wife is moving out. There is nothing I can do to stop it. It is reality and it certainly has set in. I'm hurt, sad, depressed, and angry that there is another guy in the picture. We are a young couple - no kids and my wife is only 23 years old. She keeps telling me that b/c we were together so young, she never got the chance to go party like I did. That is a small part of all of this. The main part is getting over the past.

 

I still love my wife even after hearing about this other guy. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't know if I could ever get over her. I don't know what to do. I guess we are going to continue going to counselling but I'm scared of the future now without her.

 

I don't know, what I hope is that she spends a month or two away and realizes that she still loves me and that she wants to get together to try and work out problems and make our marriage better. That is my hope, but I'm worried that there isn't a good chance of that happening. I cry every single night right now and I was never this hurt in all my life.

 

Any advice out there? Any thoughts? Any predictions? Any words would be nice to hear during these tough times.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Jason

 

Jason, you will have to let your wife go. Seperations do not work and she is still young and immature. You will find someone else, it will happen, but it had to believe right now. See an attorney, have her remove all her things when she moves out so there is nothing there to remind you of her prescence. It is negative Chi- the energy all of us have inside that binds us to the universe and all people. If you do not do this, the negative feelings and emotions will stay with you.

[tearza]

Go ahead and move. So she does not have a chnace to come back. Go forward with you life and forget. You are better off without her.

[michelangelo]

when they get busted.

 

But "nothing" was going on until you stumbled on it.

 

Of course she's screwing the guy. If she's telling you crap like never having gotten to party you have to read between the lines. She is telling you she wants sex with different men than you.

 

Move on, take that job out west. Thank your lucky stars there are no children involved.

[skorch101]

Thank you all for your responses so far. I understand where everyone is coming from and I would love to just say, it's over...there's the door. The problem is, it isn't that easy. We all make mistakes in our life. I for one, don't tolerate cheating, but this is my wife. This is still the woman I love to death regardless of what has happened. One thing I must say is that when I mentioned we broke up a few years ago prior to getting married, I actually got engaged to another girl...was engaged for a month before a LIGHT CAME ON. Dead serious, one day I woke up and it was like, what the hell am I doing. I hurt my wife so bad at that time and she may just need some space to let out all her anger and then move on. Of course I don't condone cheating, but I still love my wife and it is extremely hard to just walk away not knowing if a temporary seperation could save our marriage. Does knowing that piece of info change anyone's minds?

 

I really love her so much still and though her moving out will be heartbreaking, it may give her a chance to realize she still loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 

Any thoughts?

[iron_m]

I still love my wife even after hearing about this other guy. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't know if I could ever get over her. I don't know what to do. I guess we are going to continue going to counselling but I'm scared of the future now without her.

 

Jason

 

 

I know how you feel right now. My wife of 8 years and partner of 16 years told me she wants to divorce (2 month ago). 1 month ago she moved out. She also had (has?) and affair. I was so hurt and desperate.

 

I thought: this is it. I'll never be able to trust and love anyone else. After all, I came to think that she was THE woman for me.

 

Well... I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions in these 2 months, but the best thing that happened to me was that she moved out. I am pretty sure that being alone is not that bad, I enjoy it actually!

 

And just last week I started thinking that not only I could love another person (at the right moment) but that my STBXW was not THE woman for me. Not that I do this to console myself, no. I really started to think out of the box.

 

And if you do not have children is far more easy, just go to NC asap and start getting on your feet again. In my case, with a 7 y.o. girl (that stayed with me) I am stuck to share some time with my STBXW almost daily.

 

So: do not expect nothing from your wife. do not think that the only hope is to get her back after a while. On the contrary, your hope should be to be happy without her and eventually with someone that will love you for what you are, not for what you do.

 

It is evident that you are a person with good potential in your work and more opportunities will come (for work and love).

[Spurned]

Hey man, I know what you think you're saying: You don't condone cheating.

 

But this is what you're actually saying: You do condone cheating, if you love the person enough. Problem is, she should love you enough not to cheat.

 

I know you're hurting. Hell, I've been there too. Don't make the mistake of justifying your wife's actions by explaining your shortcomings and mistakes in the past. That would be buying into her crazy explanations for her disgusting behavior.

 

But alas, I fear you're still too much involved emotionally right now to see the light. You screwed up before. It hurt her. But you moved on and you guys got married and took vows!!

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[jmargel]

So you were cheating on your wife before you ended it with her? How long were you broken up with her to get engaged to another chick?

 

The communication between you two is off-track, which is usually a main reason why other things start to happen such as cheating. If she is hell-bent on leaving there really isn't anything you can do. If I were in your shoes I would write her a letter. In this letter tell her that you still love her but if she really wants to leave then that's her choice. That you can only control what you can do. Let her know how much you regret what you've done to her in the past and you can understand her pain. (Remember to use the word 'understand' alot when you talk to her and she mentions how much the cheating you did hurt her or even if she mentions about wanting to party.. Tell her you could understand how she feels but that this is her choice.)

 

If the counselor doesn't seem to be working for you, find another one. Not every counselor approaches a situation the same way. At least she is still going. However between you & I, you know that her cheating is no excuse for anything that has gone on in the past. At 23, she is still very immature and often a woman not only needs to sow her wild oats but also to live on her own for awhile. My ex-fiancee was the same way as your wife, and it took 3 years after she left to come to my house one day to apologize and to tell me how she realizes how immature she was.

 

We all know you love her and you know what the outcome of this is going to be if she leaves, however nothing you can do can stop her. The BEST thing to do is to open up that cage door and give her that option. That is the only thing that is going to make her really think about what she's about to do. If you lock that door and keep her caged it'll just get her more enraged to want to break free.

 

Also with all this moving for YOUR job, what about her? Granted you see you getting promotions to help you both in the marriage but if she doesn't have a career going anywhere or she can't start on her own personal goals how is that fair to her? Talk to her about that, I am sure that is something of great importance to her. From her view she might see you as this:

 

- He left me, cheated on me and actually got engaged to another woman. Left me alone, unsure of my future with him and what life has to offer me.

 

- We got back together but it doesn't seem the same. We are married but I am still hurt by his cheating and often wonder if he'll do it again

 

- We are constantly moving, where do I fit in here? I can't even accomplish any goals such as continuing my schooling or get into a career. I feel like I am following him around, state to state and if he leaves me for another woman again, I have nothing to back me.

 

So I could imagine where she is coming from. Address these with her, but more importantly LISTEN to her. Don't interupt when she is talking to you and often when replying back to her tell her 'you understand'. That is what she probably wants from you, to UNDERSTAND her side of how things have been going.

 

Don't address the cheating right now, keep the 3rd party out of this for this conversation. Though you are very hurt, to try to make her realize what you mean to her you have to start addressing her hurt.

[Ladyjane14]

One thing I must say is that when I mentioned we broke up a few years ago prior to getting married, I actually got engaged to another girl...was engaged for a month before a LIGHT CAME ON. Dead serious, one day I woke up and it was like, what the hell am I doing. I hurt my wife so bad at that time and she may just need some space to let out all her anger and then move on.

 

You're beating yourself up pretty badly for something that happened before the vows were spoken. Yeah.... it was a hurtful experience for your wife to have her boyfriend break up with her and then get engaged to someone else. But it wasn't cheating, not to the degree of cheating on a spouse anyway. You two weren't married.

 

Your self-induced punishment doesn't fit the crime here. You're reaching for excuses. You want to be able to explain away her behavior so that you can find a reason to forgive her, and put this thing back together. But Spurned is right. When you condone the cheating... you give her a tacit message that it's going to be okay with you.

 

My husband and I have been married for over two decades, and neither of us have physically cheated. The reason why is simple. We both know that if we step over that line, the marriage is OVER. There's a non-tolerance policy that's been in place since Day One. So, even when my husband was emotionally unfaithful to me a couple of years ago, he NEVER touched another woman. It would've meant instantaneous divorce... and he knew it. He wasn't ready for the consequences, and he understood them to be immediate and non-negotiable.

 

If you decide to allow your wife's infidelity based on your guilt for things that happened before the marriage, you are, in effect, changing the parameters for what is tolerable after the marriage. IOW, from the day you spoke your vows, monogamy was the rule. Your tolerance in this situation will produce NEW rules.

 

Yes... if you give her an ultimatum, you might lose her. But you'll lose her now, while you're both young and neither of you heavily invested. But if you don't 'draw a line in the sand', you're changing the parameters of the marital relationship from this time forward.

 

The way things stand, she's giving YOU an ultimatum. As in, "I'm going to see this guy and you can either like it or lump it."

 

How are you REALLY going to deal with the outcome of her infidelity? You know, she may decide to stay with the other guy. But if she doesn't.... you're going to have to look at her and reconsile with the fact that she cheated only one year into the marriage. Your imagination will play back mental images of what happened between her and the OM, and you'll wonder if she's going to do it again. What's more, the possibility exists that she could become pregnant or infected with an STD.

 

So, you see how the marital problems escalate.... like a snowball rolling downhill.

 

 

I'm going to give you a link to Spurned's thread. His situation, while not entirely like your own was somewhat similar. He too, writhed in guilt over his imagined shortcomings... working a demanding job, etc. I think it might help you to see that life goes on. He seems like a pretty happy guy these days.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t69139/

[Gunny376]

There are

 

Minor Offenses

Major Offenses

Intollerable Offenses

 

All of which generally carry consquences.

 

Your wife has committed an intolleable offense, without any consequences, and then you justify your actions by what you did before you were even married? Where's your self respect? Your self dignity? Your pride?

 

Do you not see how she is making a mockery of your mariage, of you?

 

They kissed and didin't have sex? But, yet he's in love with her? She moved or is moving out of your home? She's getting her own place? Dude!!!!!!

 

Why not just tell her, you and he can just move in here, and I'll move out? Let him live in your house, drive your car, wear your clothes, eat your groceries? Why don't you just pay his and her bills ~ he's already doing your old lady?

 

Go ahead and get her pregno for him ~ save him the trouble? Pay child support so you don't have to put him out of his way ~ and they can call him Daddy.

 

You think I'm talking smack? The worse case I've seen of this kind of this mentailty, not only did one of my X-brother in laws do this ~ he got off work and came home and cooked the XW and the OM and the kids supper, and sat the kids while the XW and OM went out and partied~~~!!!! I kid you freaking not!