Newly Separated

[Guest]

I just found this site tonight and have found it both helpful and sad (that so many others are going through similar situations). I am newly separated , have been married for 12 years, and have 2 children (ages 8 and 10). My situation is that my husband had an emotional affair with a woman off and on for 6 months. I found out initially after it had been going on for a couple of months. He apologized, said it would stop etc.

 

Fast forward to 4 months later, and through looking at text messages on his cell phone, I find out he's talking to her again! Throughout our marriage, I have had issues with him going out to bars with his friends (mostly single and divorced). He is a great dad...the kids adore him! He obviously hasn't been the most attentive of husbands. We tried for about 4 weeks having him sleep on the couch, because I was so angry with him. We went to counseling once together, and then afterward we each went once individually.

 

When he met with her, she apparently spoke with him for about half of the session about how inappropriate it was for a 38 yr-old married man with a wife and 2 kids to be going out to bars and staying out as late as he did. I think it was at that point he decided that therapy was not for him. When he decided to move out, he said he thinks of it as a "trial separation".

 

I have spoken to a friend who is an attorney to get the name of some good divorce lawyers, but am not sure I want a divorce. Financially, I will be able to make ends meet, because I 've just taken a full time job. However, it will be a struggle, and the children really love their father.

 

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. Is there any hope in this situation at all? There are days that I feel I am going crazy!

[wizedup]

You're not crazy. You're hurting and grieving. Let yourself experience these emotions. It's ok. You will have good days and bad days...good hours and bad hours... Take it one day at a time.

 

What you're going through and what you will go through will be no picnic. I'm newly separated since beg. of June and this week is the first bit of peace I've had from my husband. (mine is a pothead who uses control and manipulation to get what he thinks he deserves)

I too have children...9 and 13...and it was very difficult for the kids in the very beginning and still is..not as bad..but they wish we'd get back together (which I doubt will happen). I tell them that "they didn't split us up and they can't get us back together. Sometimes adults have problems that they need to work out on their own and not live together anymore."

Ensure you and your husband do not trash eachother....let the kids know you love them and this has nothing to do with them...and if their dad is still in their life.....your kids will be ok.

Get them into counseling..

Also go to the library and there are books about how to help kids through separation and divorce. Read them and follow the advice.

 

Remember - one day at a time.