Problem with wife...extremely disgusted...

[RockStar29]

Ok, I'm only here because I need some advice and don't have anywhere else to turn. This is a topic that I cannot discuss with family/friends, so I chose this site so I could get advice in an anonymous environment.

 

Here's a quick bit of history. I met my wife in 1995. We were married in 1999. We have a great relationship and are best friends.

 

So, here it goes...

 

I work midnight shift, and generally sleep in the late evening hours before work. Well, tonight I get up and stagger over to the computer to check my e-mail and whatnot. I notice that my history has been cleared (which is odd, because I never clear my history), so that set off some immediate flags to me. I do a little digging into the temporary internet files and find something that truly disgusts me. Apparently, my wife of 7 years went on Google searching for animal porn. She only spent about 10-15 minutes doing so, but hit quite a few sites during that time.

 

I truly feel nauseous just thinking about this, and I don't know what to do. I haven't said anything to her about it, and honestly don't know if I can. I keep pretty good tabs on my computer, and have never noticed anything like this on there before. So, I would like to think that this was simply a moment of sick curiosity and not a rooted fetish/fantasy.

 

I need help. I don't know what I should do. I just truly hope that I never find anything like this again because it is so sickening that I actually feel betrayed.

 

Any and all advice will be kindly appreciated.

[kulyok]

Just talk to her, ask her why she did this, and honestly explain your feelings on the matter; that you dislike animal porn, this is, not her. The distinction between the two is important: you'll be better off saying "I-statements" rather than "You-statements", like: "I felt uncomfortable and uneasy when I thought my wife watched animal porn" rather than "What you did is disgusting!"

 

Do you permit her to work on your computer? If no, you might want to talk about this, too.

 

In any case, what you did(tracing her steps) wasn't entirely honorable, in my opinion, and can lead to a breach of trust between you two. I mean, she probably knows your reaction to porn, if she is your best friend and wife, right? She is probably ashamed of her momentary desire, and would like to keep it secret. And here you come and confront her and admit you traced her steps. This will likely hurt her, the woman you love. So you might want to start with an apology.

[Chinook]

Um, given that nothing like this has surfaced prior to now, I would go with the idea of a moment of curiosity. In addition to that once she discovered exactly what it is, she likely feels the same as you. Looking at something on the internet is not necessarily an indicator of guilt. You need to talk to her to allow this to be cleared up. Just explain it how you've explained it here. You weren't intending to snoop but when you discovered your history had been deleted you wondered why... and came across this... so you'd like to understand what happened. No doubt it's going to be difficult... but I wouldn't make a big fuss out of it, just ask and you're likely to find it was curiosity. I'd be very surprised if it was anything other than this. The internet more than anything is like a big old open encyclopaedia... where we can go look up things which interest us or which we don't know about. Satisfying a curious moment is fine. Making her feel badly about it isn't so it will take some careful negotiating on your part.

 

Good luck.

[RockStar29]

Just talk to her, ask her why she did this, and honestly explain your feelings on the matter; that you dislike animal porn, this is, not her. The distinction between the two is important: you'll be better off saying "I-statements" rather than "You-statements", like: "I felt uncomfortable and uneasy when I thought my wife watched animal porn" rather than "What you did is disgusting!"

Good points here. IF I end up talking to her about this, this will be some good advice to follow, but I still don't know if I can do it or not.

Do you permit her to work on your computer? If no, you might want to talk about this, too.

Sure. Even though I purchased this laptop for myself because I do some web design work for extra cash, I give her full access to it as well. What's mine is hers.

In any case, what you did(tracing her steps) wasn't entirely honorable, in my opinion, and can lead to a breach of trust between you two. I mean, she probably knows your reaction to porn, if she is your best friend and wife, right? She is probably ashamed of her momentary desire, and would like to keep it secret. And here you come and confront her and admit you traced her steps. This will likely hurt her, the woman you love. So you might want to start with an apology.

Perhaps it wasn't honorable, but I feel it was within my rights. It was all just too odd. I must have had weeks and weeks of history information in there....a lot of sites that I went back to through the history file. I wanted to see why it had all been erased, and what was trying to be covered up. I truly hope she is ashamed of what she did, but I also hope that it wasn't a "desire". Hopefully it was just curiosity.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[RockStar29]

Um, given that nothing like this has surfaced prior to now, I would go with the idea of a moment of curiosity. In addition to that once she discovered exactly what it is, she likely feels the same as you. Looking at something on the internet is not necessarily an indicator of guilt. You need to talk to her to allow this to be cleared up. Just explain it how you've explained it here. You weren't intending to snoop but when you discovered your history had been deleted you wondered why... and came across this... so you'd like to understand what happened. No doubt it's going to be difficult... but I wouldn't make a big fuss out of it, just ask and you're likely to find it was curiosity. I'd be very surprised if it was anything other than this. The internet more than anything is like a big old open encyclopaedia... where we can go look up things which interest us or which we don't know about. Satisfying a curious moment is fine. Making her feel badly about it isn't so it will take some careful negotiating on your part.

 

Good luck.

Yeah. This goes to back to my uncertainty of if I can even talk to her about it at all. I will have to do some hard thinking on this one. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I may end up just not saying anything at all, and just keep a closer watch on things in the future. I realize that action may be frowned upon by many, and "spying" on your SO is never something one should do. But, this is a very different situation, and the results of my findings could have a very significant effect on our relationship.

 

I don't know. I'm just so confused at this point. I'm part mad, part sickened, part hurt....all confused.

[HeyYouGuys]

I think you should try to talk to her.

 

Otherwise, you will walk around for the next decade trying to stifle the feelings of disgust and horror you have.

 

She might have stumbled onto a site by accident and (the same way we all crane our necks to look at car accidents) said to herself, "Hmm, this is gross. But I just HAVE to know if people really do these things!"

 

I remember about ten years ago, there was a short video circulating on the internet of a woman f****ng a horse. Everyone I know watched it. It was sick, disgusting and creepy. I watched part of it just out of sheer and blatant curiosity. Afterwards I felt just sick and I decided I never needed to see anything related to bestiality in any way ever again.

 

It's possible she was as disgusted by what she saw as you were by discovering she'd been to those sites.

 

Human beings sometimes just have to know what something's about, even if it's really disgusting.

[bab]

I think you should try to talk to her.

 

Otherwise, you will walk around for the next decade trying to stifle the feelings of disgust and horror you have.

 

She might have stumbled onto a site by accident and (the same way we all crane our necks to look at car accidents) said to herself, "Hmm, this is gross. But I just HAVE to know if people really do these things!"

 

I remember about ten years ago, there was a short video circulating on the internet of a woman f****ng a horse. Everyone I know watched it. It was sick, disgusting and creepy. I watched part of it just out of sheer and blatant curiosity. Afterwards I felt just sick and I decided I never needed to see anything related to bestiality in any way ever again.

 

It's possible she was as disgusted by what she saw as you were by discovering she'd been to those sites.

 

Human beings sometimes just have to know what something's about, even if it's really disgusting.

 

 

I agree with this. I've never looked at any of this stuff because like you I view it as disgusting. But there is that part of me that's like, "How would that even work...?" Maybe that's all it was. You also need to ask yourself if it matters to you. Yes you find it disgusting, but as long as she isn't actually particpating, does it change your opinion of her? If so, you definitely need to talk to her about it.

[RockStar29]

Geez...every one of you suggest that I should talk to her about it. Not that it's bad advice, but I just don't know that I can. I wouldn't know what to say, how to start up the conversation, how I would react if I got the wrong reply from her, etc.

 

For example, what if (and it's a big IF) she responded with something indicating that she liked that sort of thing. Yes, it would freak me right the **** out. While I would still love her, I know things would change. I could never look at her the same.

 

I'm really leaning toward the "curiosity" side of this. I just don't know if I could deal with it if it were otherwise.

 

Thanks for the replies so far everyone...

[Chinook]

Geez...every one of you suggest that I should talk to her about it. Not that it's bad advice, but I just don't know that I can. I wouldn't know what to say, how to start up the conversation, how I would react if I got the wrong reply from her, etc.

 

For example, what if (and it's a big IF) she responded with something indicating that she liked that sort of thing. Yes, it would freak me right the **** out. While I would still love her, I know things would change. I could never look at her the same.

 

I'm really leaning toward the "curiosity" side of this. I just don't know if I could deal with it if it were otherwise.

 

Thanks for the replies so far everyone...

 

But you're already allowing it to alter your view of her..!! So only by talking to her would you actually know either way rather than torturing yourself. If you think just keeping an eye on things and putting it down to curiosity can resolve it for you - without you actually wondering "what if I was really wrong" then leave it be... sometimes it doesn't do to meddle. But if you're not sure it WAS curiosity then really, you need to sort it out either way. If I was this uncertain about someone I was married to... I would be really concerned. The issue of bestiality would concern me but what would concern me more is the fact that someone I love is presenting a picture to me of themselves which isn't actually true... altering what I think about them. I'd want to resolve that. Sometimes, realising that who our partners actually are rather than who we want them to be, can be a little hard. But it's a path which is easy to negotiate with good communication and respect.

[a4a]

Well Geeze lets try honesty for a change here. OR :

 

I was looking at the computer and this weird thing popped up. I don't care if you were looking at it but just want to make sure there isn't a virus in the computer......... did you look at this site or something?

 

So what if she did.... hell I have looked at funny links supplied here for life size blow up men Some things you just have to see for yourself to really believe.

 

I have a favorite site called natural sex sites..... it has pictures of things like trees and mounds of greenery that resemble genitals..... it makes me laugh.

 

So unless you see where she has posted or went to a site offering jobs blowing livestock I really would not be too freaked out about her viewing such a site.

 

Just ask her...... what is the big dealio?

 

You stumbled across it..... it is not a big deal to ask about it.

[JackJack]

I'm kind of leaning towards what the others have said, it might be out of curiosty for her to look at that. However, looking at it out of curiosty is one thing, but if you were to see where she fruquently views this over and over again, there might be something else going on. I might be wrong, but I think is some states animal porn is illegal. Even on the computer.

[Tony T]

My bet is she just did this out of curiosity. I just did it myself. Frankly, I didn't know there was such a thing.

 

You do need to discuss with her why she was doing this. No matter what, it's no reason to stop loving her or having a good relationship. She may need some help if this was more than a simple curiosity.

 

What you could discuss with your wife, and this is very true, going to any porn sites on the Internet can get you viruses and worms like you have never experienced. You might take the approach that you noticed she was visiting some porn sites (don't say "animal") and she needs to be very careful of picking up a serious computer virus. She won't feel as threatened or humiliated. After that, just say something like (in a joking manner)..."I visited some of those sites you went to...they are disgusting. Do you really like stuff like that?" Then just see what her response is.

[whichwayisup]

What you could do, without accusing her of doing anything wrong, but tell her that you looked back into the history because you needed to go to a certain site, and the history was cleared. Maybe lightly ask her why she cleared it?

 

I've not read all the responses, so this suggestion could have come up already...

 

All you can do is wait and see what happens...IF it happens again. For now, try your best not to let this get in the way.

[SoleMate]

I think you should take a week or so to really calm down, and then ask her about it. I know it will be a difficult, scary, and potentially painful conversation, AND I believe that for a strong marriage, you must not shy away from necessary discussions for any reason whatsoever.

 

This is not a common issue but it has come up before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61075

 

I tend to agree with most people's guesses - that it is curiosity. I am afraid that the Internet gives us lots of opportunity to satisfy forms of curiosity that would have gotten us burned at the stake a few centuries ago. I think many people have the potential to explore this rather dark side, just in their minds. I also think that this type of curiosity can lead places you don't want to go. She could benefit from less time on the computer, more interests elsewhere, or maybe even just better Internet activities like contributing to Wikipedia or Loveshack!

 

As a sidenote to others, maybe this man's situation will help other men understand why so many women object to human porn when viewed by their husbands. And don't bore me with your claims of "It's not the same!" You see that your partner has an interest in doing something that would make you ill. Believe me, hearing his wife say, "But it meant nothing and there were no feelings involved" would NOT make RockStar feel any better.

[a4a]

Well this is getting funnier and funnier by the minute.

 

Sheesh man you have known this woman since 1995 and have been married for 7 friggin years and you don't know how to approach a small issue like this?

 

Really?

 

There is more behind this reason you think she is suddenly into animal porn?

 

She looked for curiosity not a sudden interest in hot donkeys!

 

Just talk to her..... sheesh.

 

If I found that on our computer I would just be to the point with my H.......

 

"WTF is up with this donkey dong site I found on here?"

[JamesM]

Since I had a similar situation, I will comment. I am leaning toward the curiosity angle. However, I am saying something else slightly different....wait to see if she does it again. And since you just stumbled upon it, wait to see if she will mention it.

 

In my case, my wife who does not like porn at all seemed to be visiting a couple of porn sites a couple of different times. Yes, she actually was, but it started because someone she worked with mentioned this wierd site (only slightly porn related), but also not her norm. Her curiosity got her, so she checked it out. On that site it talked about some sex sites where girls "unknowingly" are filmed giving bjs for money. She was apalled but checked them out...she played the sample movies and looked at some pictures. I never mentioned that I saw this in the history, but I did wonder. In a way, since we were having very little sex, I really wondered. Well, about a week later, she told me all about it. And she was angry at these "poor" women being taken advantage of! (I still am not sure if she believe that these poor women knew what they were doing....different issue.) So, case solved on its own.

 

I can easily see my wife stumbling on something or some of her coworkers saying something. She would be sick, too, if she saw such stuff. Yes, I have seen it and it is sickening. But I can see her...even thought we are best friends...having a tough time telling me, because she would not want me to lose respect for her.

 

Two ways to handle it....talk with her like a4a said, "I stumbled on this cookie..." or give her some time to tell you. Then I would keep on eye on history to see if she keeps clearing it.

 

BTW, I have no problem with spouses checking on computers for history trails. I know my wife has checked my history. Yes, it bothered me at first, but I also realized that if I had nothing to worry about, it wouldn't bother me. And yes, I did it to her a few times, but more as a way to see what time she signed off (went to bed) and if she bought anything. (Long story...but believe the stories that people on Ambien truthfully do not have a clue what they did while on it!)

[Outcast]

men understand why so many women object to human porn when viewed by their husbands. And don't bore me with your claims of "It's not the same!" You see that your partner has an interest in doing something that would make you ill. Believe me, hearing his wife say, "But it meant nothing and there were no feelings involved" would NOT make RockStar feel any better.

 

RockStar feels bad because he is allowing himself to think that his wife sought out this stuff deliberately. I'm doubting that he actually thinks she'd prefer a donkey to him, but the analogy to wives disliking porn is correct in that if you choose to believe your wife is interested in having sex with a horse (or that your husband prefers the idea of sex with a porn star to you) you will upset yourself. If you choose a more logical thought to believe, you will not.

 

You are all offering this guy a more logical thought precisely because his belief about why his wife might have done this is probably wrong - as is wives' belief that their husbands 'prefer' porn stars to them.

 

Dr. Albert Ellis is THE guy who has studied and written about how what one decides to believe affects one's feelings - and how easy it is to change what you think.

 

OP, I completely agree that there's nothing to be 'disgusted' about. Absolutely talk to her and put your fears to rest.

[RockStar29]

Thank you all for the kind responses.

 

At this moment, I'm still uncertain if I will talk to her about it, or simply monitor the situation to see if it occurs again. Regardless, I do feel better about it. It didn't help matters that I discovered this right before my midnight shift started, and I've had all night to sit here and ponder it.

 

After reading all of the responses and giving it a lot of thought, I think the biggest reason at this point why I don't want to bring it up to her is so that I won't embarass her with it. She would probably be extremely humiliated. But, no, I do not feel she would enjoy farm animals more than me. No, I do not feel she has a fetish for this sort of thing nor is she using it for erotic stimulation. I think it was just a wild hair...a streak of curiosity...nothing more.

 

I will keep you all posted if anything further progresses, but thank you once again. I truly appreciate all the mature and intelligent assistance I've received here.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, I've looked up all kinds of stuff on my computer at home before. Things that I had absolutely no intention of doing- just because I was curious.

 

I downloaded some gay male porn onto my husband's computer just to see what that looked like. I'd never seen it before. He was like "WTF?- how did THIS get on my computer" :lmao:

 

Yet, this can come back to bite you in the rear. Once I googled "swinging" on my old computer (with my exhusband) and he accused me of having internet sex and swinging in our divorce. I wouldn't have a clue how to have internet sex in the first place and I would never swing. I was just curious.

[scrybe74]

I don't know that you necessarily have to talk to her about it. You've known her for years at this point and nothing like this has every happened before? Give her a pass on it I say. Why?

 

Well a likely scenario is that she either heard about it or read about it and curiosity got the best of her. She probably didn't believe it actually happens and then looked it up....probably got disgusted.....but like a train wreck sometimes it's hard to look away immediately which explains the 10-15 minutes. But listen....10-15 minutes is just curiosity. 30,45 minutes...an hour...then I would be worried.

 

I think if you speak to her about it she might be emabarrassed. Think about it...she's probably as disgusted as you are. Also...it was your curiosity that had you looking at the sites she looked at and you are disgusted right? Noone is accusing you of being into animal porn are they? Give her a break.

 

Now.....if she goes crusin' for animal porn again....I say sit her down and have a talk about it.

[scrybe74]

Gosh, I've looked up all kinds of stuff on my computer at home before. Things that I had absolutely no intention of doing- just because I was curious.

 

I downloaded some gay male porn onto my husband's computer just to see what that looked like. I'd never seen it before. He was like "WTF?- how did THIS get on my computer" :lmao:

 

Yet, this can come back to bite you in the rear. Once I googled "swinging" on my old computer (with my exhusband) and he accused me of having internet sex and swinging in our divorce. I wouldn't have a clue how to have internet sex in the first place and I would never swing. I was just curious.

 

As always.....good point Ms. Pixie (lol @ gay porn)

[whichwayisup]

Hey, gay porn, especially lesbian, is much hotter than straight porn! Just fyi..

[a4a]

Hey, gay porn, especially lesbian, is much hotter than straight porn! Just fyi..

 

 

Yeah nothing hotter than watching two butch lesbians roll around with hairy arm pits, strap ons, in red plaid flannel sheets with a poster of Xena on the wall above the bed. :lmao:

 

Oh did I forget to mention the mullets?

 

That is real lesbian porn .....not the fake lipstick made for male fantasy lesbo porn.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hey, gay porn, especially lesbian, is much hotter than straight porn! Just fyi..

 

Absolutely it is- I'm not into hard core- but I don't mind watching two women go at it every once in a while.

 

I just had never seen anything like male porn before and I wanted to.

 

The thing that kills me about porn videos???? The guys always go FOREVER without an orgasm- it's like (are ya numb down there or what?) and the women climax FAST! I think that's kinda backwards in every day life.

[norajane]

You know, I look up crazy stuff on the internet all the time...just to see. Particularly when you hang out in forums, people will mention stuff that I have no experience with or have never thought of, and I'll just Google to see what's what. I'd hate if anyone jumped to conclusions based on what's in my temp folder or cache!!

 

There's nothing wrong with curiousity. If she really had a fetish, I doubt 15 minutes of surfing would have satisfied her!

 

Also, consider that a lot of those kinds of sites have pop-ups that you can't control. So just opening a link to one of them may pop-up lots of them on the computer, and you cannot easily close them out. Some of them even install toolbar links and links on your Programs in Start and such, so you really have to work to get rid of them all. It's possible she wasn't even trying to hide this from you, but trying to clear the history so as to get rid of the pop-ups and links.

 

7 years of marriage...giving her the benefit of the doubt probably wouldn't be out of line here, even if you don't talk to her about it.