Emotional Abuse?

[ambernic1982]

I am 24 years old. I got married in 2001 to my husband and we have been together ever since. We have a daughter. Every year since we have been together (beside 2003) he has tried to leave and I try to get him to stay. He says he just doesn't want to be married, and I don't think that's a valid reason to break up a marriage. In 2005 we moved back to his hometown, around all his family and friends. Ever since then things have gone sharply downhill. We went to a pool party for the 4th of july, friends of his parents. My husband ignored me the whole day, even during the times when I would try to just be near him, chit chat with him, ect. He would get up and move. His friends at the pool party introduced him and our daughter, but not me. Again, its like Im not even there. I went home around 10 in the evening, while he stayed and partied till 3 am. He goes out with his friends every night he has off, and he will even take a day off to go out with them. I on the otherhand never leave the house. I have no friends. I stay home and do the housework everyday and take care of our daughter. I go nowhere. I dont want to waste the gas in the car, and since I have no business being out anyway, why start another argument. At any rate, he goes out with his friends, stays out till mostly 3 am. I ask him to please spend some time at home with me and the baby, and he refuses. He told me if he went out Sunday he wouldnt go out on his two days off. He went out Sunday, then turned around and went out both nights off he had. He even woke me up to ask me if he could go at about midnight, knowing I didnt want him to go. It seems he has no repect for me whatsoever. He got mad and told me the other night that he didnt want me, but one of his friends did. It is sad. I cry everytime he gets this way with me. He has made me feel like I dont matter, like I am just garbage. I even did his homework for him that his work made him do several times. I had to draw a city map on a piece of posterboard freehand. It took me 3 days to do. I dont think he even appreciated it. But it wouldnt have gotten done and he would have gotten in trouble had I not done it. He is nice to me when he wants something, then when he gets it he is really ugly to me. He makes me think he is trying to be considerate of my feelings, when really I think all he is doing is trying to make himself not feel bad when he walks all over me. It is all fine & dandy if I dont say a word to him about how late he stays out, about how he never spends time with me, ect. But the minute I say one thing he is jumping down my throat. I dont know what to do. He says such derogatory things to me, like Im a bitch, I try to control him, ect. I cry almost all the time & if Im not crying Im confused. I dont try to control him, but I do want to be treated like I matter and appreciated for the small things I do. I just dont know anymore.

[agnf666]

Honestly, in this situation you need to have a talk with him. Tell him that you need him home to help raise his child and if he can't do that then you two need to discuss a seperation or something.

 

there is no reason for you to be with someone who treats you like that. He is emotionally abusing you. You need to either talk with him and see if you two can fix things or find a way out. I know walking away is going to be hard, but since he is never home anyways what would be the difference. You would probably be better off without him.

[typical]

THIS:

I am 24 years old. I got married in 2001 to my husband and we have been together ever since. We have a daughter. Every year since we have been together (beside 2003) he has tried to leave and I try to get him to stay. He says he just doesn't want to be married, and I don't think that's a valid reason to break up a marriage. In 2005 we moved back to his hometown, around all his family and friends. Ever since then things have gone sharply downhill. We went to a pool party for the 4th of july, friends of his parents. My husband ignored me the whole day, even during the times when I would try to just be near him, chit chat with him, ect. He would get up and move. His friends at the pool party introduced him and our daughter, but not me. Again, its like Im not even there. I went home around 10 in the evening, while he stayed and partied till 3 am. He goes out with his friends every night he has off, and he will even take a day off to go out with them. I on the otherhand never leave the house. I have no friends. I stay home and do the housework everyday and take care of our daughter. I go nowhere. I dont want to waste the gas in the car, and since I have no business being out anyway, why start another argument. At any rate, he goes out with his friends, stays out till mostly 3 am. I ask him to please spend some time at home with me and the baby, and he refuses. He told me if he went out Sunday he wouldnt go out on his two days off. He went out Sunday, then turned around and went out both nights off he had. He even woke me up to ask me if he could go at about midnight, knowing I didnt want him to go. It seems he has no repect for me whatsoever. He got mad and told me the other night that he didnt want me, but one of his friends did. It is sad. I cry everytime he gets this way with me. He has made me feel like I dont matter, like I am just garbage. I even did his homework for him that his work made him do several times. I had to draw a city map on a piece of posterboard freehand. It took me 3 days to do. I dont think he even appreciated it. But it wouldnt have gotten done and he would have gotten in trouble had I not done it. He is nice to me when he wants something, then when he gets it he is really ugly to me. He makes me think he is trying to be considerate of my feelings, when really I think all he is doing is trying to make himself not feel bad when he walks all over me. It is all fine & dandy if I dont say a word to him about how late he stays out, about how he never spends time with me, ect. But the minute I say one thing he is jumping down my throat. I dont know what to do. He says such derogatory things to me, like Im a bitch, I try to control him, ect. I cry almost all the time & if Im not crying Im confused. I dont try to control him, but I do want to be treated like I matter and appreciated for the small things I do. I just dont know anymore.

 

Makes me so unbelievably angry and sick in the heart for you, that I want to cry for you and that I feel like breaking something. I will post later on this.

[Becoming]

Why do you tolerate this guy's behavior? I know: father of my child, H, etc.

 

This is intolerable behavior.

 

You know what I'd do? Start taking my life back. You've given your power away to this guy as though he is the one who can make you happy. He doesn't deserve you. Quit doing things for him that he should be doing himself--i.e. his homework. Find an Al-Anon group and go. It's free. Tell him he's watching the baby, and go. If you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby with him, that should tell you a whole lot.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself, you have no one to blame but yourself when others treat you badly.

 

Frankly, I'd start making plans to leave. You owe it to him to tell him why you will be withdrawing from him by telling him specifically what it is you want out the marriage that you're not getting, and that until that starts happening, he can't count on you being there for him anymore. marriagebuilders.com might help you be able to articulate what you'd like from marriage--check out that website.

 

Get a job and start taking baby steps away from him. Or start feeding him beans and cornbread and banking the money in your own separate account.

No one deserves this treatment.

[blind_otter]

I am 24 years old. I got married in 2001 to my husband and we have been together ever since. We have a daughter. Every year since we have been together (beside 2003) he has tried to leave and I try to get him to stay. He says he just doesn't want to be married, and I don't think that's a valid reason to break up a marriage.

 

You don't get to decide what a valid reason is for HIM to leave. He has already told you that he doesn't want to be with you any more. And he tries to leave. But you keep him with you, I don't really understand why. He will continue to behave this way because he wants to leave. You can't force him to stay with you and be happy and loving.

 

He has to choose this himself. If he doesn't, for God's sake, let him leave. It's obvious that he thinks "I don't want to be married" IS a valid reason.

 

I don't understand how you can keep working so hard to convince him to stay with you, if the marriage is so bad?

[Kirlin]

omg what a horrible husband no offence but i'd leave him

[wantintotalk]

I feel for you and I am so sorry you are going through this. I do know how bad you feel. This is going on with my husband.. I am 54 yrs old and raising 3 grandchildren. This is the main reason that I haven't left yet. I also have a mentally handicapped son to take care of. Sometimes it just isn't that easy to leave. It is a very bad place to be in, a very lonely place. Not too many people feel for the mentally abused because you don't have the outward scars to prove that you are being abused,,,, instead your scars are from within and very deep. I don't know the right anwswer for you, but I do understand where you are coming from.

Deb

[Outcast]

Every year since we have been together (beside 2003) he has tried to leave and I try to get him to stay. He says he just doesn't want to be married, and I don't think that's a valid reason to break up a marriage.

 

Nonetheless, what you have now is not a marriage. Forcing a man to stay married to you because YOU 'don't think it's a valid reason to break up a marriage' is very foolish. As you see, making him stay has not transformed him into someone willing to be a husband.

 

Let him go. And be glad the jerk's gone.

[lindya]

I do want to be treated like I matter and appreciated for the small things I do.

 

Of course you do, but he's made it abundantly clear that you're never going to get that kind of treatment from him. There is no way of changing the mind of someone who doesn't want to be with you...and if that someone happens to have a nasty side to their character, then persevering in a relationship with them can only cause you more and more harm.

 

The fact that you're on his territory - ie surrounded by his family and friends and none of yours - only worsens matters. Is there any way you and your daughter could go and stay with some relatives until you get on your feet financially?