How do I deal with my step-father (long. sorry)

[Stefan]

I’ve got a problem with my stepfather, and I don’t know how to deal with him. I was hoping somebody not involved might have an idea what I can do. I’m sorry this is going to be long to explain. Sorry to bother you.

 

My mom married him 6 mo.s ago. He moved in with us with his son and daughter, which I thought would be the problem because our school is really clicky and he’s on the football team and she’s really popular and I’m not. Some of his friends had beaten up some of my friends although he wasn’t involved in that. But it turned out okay. I’ve always said that labels are evil and the clicks are stupid and once we got to know each other, we got along fine. It even made school better, since his friends don’t want to make him made at him by picking on us freaks. He’s 16, she’s 18 and I’m 15.

 

My stepfather thinks that I’m the anti-christ or something. I can’t do anything right! I get yelled at for everything. Things that he ignores with them. They’ve even noticed it and defended me which is nice, but embarrassing. For example, just now he thought it was my music cranked up and he was shreiking to turn it off. But when he found out it was my step-brother’s, then it was okay. Last week, my step-sister and her friends were smoking weed in her room and he smelled it and of course it was me not her. It gotten so whenever anything happens I expect to be blamed.

 

My mother has defended me too, mostly because he’s always running down how I was raised and that was by her. They fight alot about me, and that’s always my falt too. We’re worried that they’ll brake up. My step-sister says that he feels guilty about devorcing their mom, so he lets them get away with murder. I kind of like having a family. It was just my mom and me before. I don’t think he’d let me have any kind of contact or vitistiation or whatever if they get a devorce because he thinks I’m a bad influence on his kids. He’s told my mom that. Anyway, he made my mom really happy before they got married and I want her to be happy.

 

I’ve got some peircings and I dye my hair, but my mom’s okay (not thilled) with that stuff, and my grades are better than either of his kids! I’m straight-edge, but he won’t believe I don’t do drugs. I don’t want to change to way I look because I LIKE the way I look. And I think I’ve given up enough! I have to share my room with my stepbrother, gave away about half my stuff to make room for him and gave away my cat cause my stepsister’s allergic. It shouldn’t matter what a person looks like cause you shouldn’t judge by appearences. And I don’t think it’d make any difference anyway, because he says it’s the way I act and I don’t know how to change how I am. I don’t think I’m a bad guy. I’m not rude. I’m kind of quiet and I keep to myself alot. I’m way more responsible than my steps! I am used to doing things for myself more, because my moms always worked. (I still do about half the housework.) It’s like he picks fights with me. He can get away with saying all kinds of rude things, like how the way I look disgusts him, that would never be exceptable for me to say! What can I do?! It’s like if I keep to myself and just read or work on the computer, I’m sulking and if I hang out and joke around, I’m being disrespectful.

 

Tonight he called me perverted and said nobody likes my behavior, because I was flirting with my stepsister. It’s a joke! I wasn’t doing it in front of him, we didn’t know he was in the kitchen. It’s just become a running joke with us, I don’t even remember how it got started. It’s not for real. We do it cause my stepbrother (who I’m much closer to) said it creeps him out, someone he thinks of like a brother flirting with his sister. So now we got to do it. I mean it’s so exagerated no one could thing it was serious! She kicked my feet off the couch so she could put her feet up, and I told her not to kick me and she said she’d kick me if she wanted and I asked her if she’d wear high heels when did it. She laughed and step-brother went ‘eeuu’. End of story. Except my stepfather comes in and explodes!

 

Was this really wrong? Should I not talk to them like they’re friends? They ARE my friends by now. We were all just setting around watching tv, nobody had any problem until he came in. I sometimes think he’s the least mature person in this house. What do I do? How do I handle him? Is he right, am I that bad? When I stand up to him, I’m rebelling. If my mom does, she’s letting me walk all over her. If my steps do, I’ve corrupted them. How can I win? What do I do?

[MsArtful]

Wow, this is a tough situation. It sounds like you and your step dad have a definite personality clash... It's not much, but the best thing I can suggest is that your try and find some common ground with him, an interest or hobby. Let him know that you don't want to be enemies by making a few small compromises (though its sounds like you made a LOT of sacrifices when they moved in) with things that he has a definite aversion to but make sure he understands he'll have to make some compromises to (a change in his behaviour towards you, is what is needed). Try this for a while, and try to avoid confrontation, and if it doesn't work, though it doesn't sound like a pleasant prospect, if you really want to make this work, sit down and have a talk about the way you're feeling about his treatment towards you (but keep it cool, you don't want another argument). Whatever you do, just try and keep a mature and cool perspective towards the situation - it will be much more persuasive than any amount of yelling.

I'm afraid that's all I can suggest, hope it helps.