Thinking about MM to much!

[Meaplus3]

Needed to write my thoughts down this morning. I am thinking about MM way to much. I have been invloved with him now in a ea for about 8 months. I have known him for 8 years and after the last year of hanging around him I fell deeply for him. We have had very limited PA, hugging touching with out going all the way. The MM is a neighbor and it drives me nuts because I see him just about everyday and his kid's are always over my house. I try not to look at him but it's almost impossible because he is so darn good looking and I have such an attraction to him.

 

In late May our so called ea, pa came to an end. He was the one that said we need to stop or else we will destroy our marriages. While I agree with him completely I still can't seem to stop thinking about all the heated moments we shared. Sometimes I will find myself in the grocery store thinking about a time when we were together and I get so side tracked that I have no idea what I came to buy. The way our eyes would lock was incredible, who wouldn't want that back?? He has told me that he cares about me and that I am a very wonderful woman. I think because we have not gone all the way it makes the whole thing worse, still wondering what it would be like. I have a strong feeling that he does love me like I love him even if we have not told each other.

 

At this point it has been now 8 1/2 weeks with NO pa. 1 week with no phone contact. Someday's I can handle and then there are some that are so difficult to get through. Knowing that he is right there so darn close is very tough. I have to wonder if he even thinks about me as much as I think about him?? Thanks for listening.

 

AP:confused:

[BUTAFLY]

We understand what your are going through. Your having withdrawal, we have all been through it. I literally could not foucus on anything. He was in my dreams, my thoughts, even when i tried not to think of him i would think i saw his car , smell his cologne or saw him in a crowd. It was BAD! but as the old sayin goes time does heal. You know how your feeling now, well magnify that by 10 if it went to an PA. Consider yourself damaged but not destroyed.

Hang in there w/ the NC your doing good!

[Meaplus3]

We understand what your are going through. Your having withdrawal, we have all been through it. I literally could not foucus on anything. He was in my dreams, my thoughts, even when i tried not to think of him i would think i saw his car , smell his cologne or saw him in a crowd. It was BAD! but as the old sayin goes time does heal. You know how your feeling now, well magnify that by 10 if it went to an PA. Consider yourself damaged but not destroyed.

Hang in there w/ the NC your doing good!

 

Thanks BUTAFLY I am trying real hard!! It's so amazing how love can make you feel. Although I so wish I could hug onto him and feel this body pressed against mine, I know that it would be to risky and most likely lead to a full blown pa, he even told me if we are alone again he would be very tempted to give in, the simple thought of that drives me wild and make me want him even more, we simply generate way to much heat when we are together. Ok, now back to the reality that this is WRONG and I need to stick to N/C!! Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

OK, look at it this way...

 

IT really isn't HIM you're missing...It's the feelings he brought out in you. How he made you feel...The long gazes, the sexual tension...ALL stuff you aren't feeling with your husband - BECAUSE passion like that fades as time goes on...That new crush feeling, intense sexual desire at the beginning stages of all relationships...All that is what you've been getting from your MM neighbour.

 

Accept it as just that. Don't equate this as love or a long term future relationship...It ISN'T!

 

BOTH of you are married with children. IT won't work. You know that, he knows that and honestly, I'm telling you - IF you don't stop this BOTH of you are going to lose everything!

 

You are feeding into this obsession by thinking of him all the time. YOU have power and thought control! So, stop thinking of him! Just do it. When you catch yourself fantasizing about him while standing in line at the store, STOP. Think of your kids, what they're doing, what they'll be like later in life. CHANGE YOUR THOUGHT PATTERNS.

 

Again, if you keep letting yourself "enjoy" the feelings, you're letting them grow more and more. Neither of you are going to be happy or together if this is found out. BOTH of you will feel guilty as hell and realize an intense sexual crush is NOT worth ruining your lives over. Your marriages over and ruining your children's lives over either. Please start thinking more with your head and feeling less with your body and heart.

 

Spend time with your husband. Try to remember WHY you fell inlove with him and re-capture those feelings, instead of letting feelings grow for the MM.

 

Sorry to be harsh but you need a wake up call. If you don't stop, you WILL lose your life as you know it.

[Meaplus3]

OK, look at it this way...

 

IT really isn't HIM you're missing...It's the feelings he brought out in you. How he made you feel...The long gazes, the sexual tension...ALL stuff you aren't feeling with your husband - BECAUSE passion like that fades as time goes on...That new crush feeling, intense sexual desire at the beginning stages of all relationships...All that is what you've been getting from your MM neighbour.

 

Accept it as just that. Don't equate this as love or a long term future relationship...It ISN'T!

 

BOTH of you are married with children. IT won't work. You know that, he knows that and honestly, I'm telling you - IF you don't stop this BOTH of you are going to lose everything!

 

You are feeding into this obsession by thinking of him all the time. YOU have power and thought control! So, stop thinking of him! Just do it. When you catch yourself fantasizing about him while standing in line at the store, STOP. Think of your kids, what they're doing, what they'll be like later in life. CHANGE YOUR THOUGHT PATTERNS.

 

Again, if you keep letting yourself "enjoy" the feelings, you're letting them grow more and more. Neither of you are going to be happy or together if this is found out. BOTH of you will feel guilty as hell and realize an intense sexual crush is NOT worth ruining your lives over. Your marriages over and ruining your children's lives over either. Please start thinking more with your head and feeling less with your body and heart.

 

Spend time with your husband. Try to remember WHY you fell inlove with him and re-capture those feelings, instead of letting feelings grow for the MM.

 

Sorry to be harsh but you need a wake up call. If you don't stop, you WILL lose your life as you know it.

 

whichwayisup, You are NEVER Harsh you are RIGHT! I am trying to forget it's just that this overwhelming of lust that grabs a hold of me someday'sand WOWZER, it blows my mind!

 

I completley agree that I need to heat thing's up again im my marriage. My husband and I have had plently of passion in the past and I miss that. I

need to figure out a way to revive it. I know it will never be the same as when we first meet but I don't expect it to be either. I asked my husband if he wanted to have a night out together minus our children, and he did not seem to into it. This is the kind of response that REALLY bothers me. It seems as though he would rather sit home, then go out with me. When he acts this way it sure is hard to want to work on things.

[Sinistervixen]

hate to say this Whichwayisup but your signature didnt fit here at all...eep

[norajane]

I think because we have not gone all the way it makes the whole thing worse

 

Oh, no, sweets!! This is the only thing that's making your situation remotely bearable right now! Be glad you didn't go all the way - you'd be feeling 100x worse right now if you had gone all the way and were trying to stop thinking about him.

 

I do know what you mean, though...the longing, the wondering, the pent-up desire. But, you're stronger than that, and whichwayis up is right - direct that energy to your husband. Flirt with him, dress sexy for him, look at him with admiration, lock eyes with him in laughter when your kids are doing something hilarious, lock eyes with him in tenderness when your kids are hugging you, redirect your passion back to your marriage. It can be done!

[whichwayisup]

hate to say this Whichwayisup but your signature didnt fit here at all...eep

 

I know. I really should change it...You're the second person who has commented on it. It has nothing to do with these types of situations though.

 

whichwayisup, You are NEVER Harsh you are RIGHT! I am trying to forget it's just that this overwhelming of lust that grabs a hold of me someday'sand WOWZER, it blows my mind!

 

Okay, so you recognize that...It's just lust and it's overwhelming. Just don't read anything into it. Make it meaningless...So what? You're attracted to him. Accept that and move past it. If you can do that, and learn how to NOT let those feelings take over, half the battle is won! The rest will just slow down on it's own...One day you'll look back and say WTF was I thinking???

 

I completley agree that I need to heat thing's up again im my marriage. My husband and I have had plently of passion in the past and I miss that. I

need to figure out a way to revive it. I know it will never be the same as when we first meet but I don't expect it to be either. I asked my husband if he wanted to have a night out together minus our children, and he did not seem to into it. This is the kind of response that REALLY bothers me. It seems as though he would rather sit home, then go out with me. When he acts this way it sure is hard to want to work on things.

 

Don't just say it - DO IT. Make that a high priority with your husband. See, you said it yourself...You miss that intimacy and passion with him...So, don't go to the MM for that passion...You don't love that man, YOU love your husband. You two have history together, a marriage, a life! Children and family...All that is sooo much more than lust and attraction for the MM.

 

Talk to your husband then. Let him know that you are feeling neglected and he must start spending one on one time with you. He probably is completely content with how things are...Men (not all men) tend to slip into the regular routine and don't want to make any new changes or efforts...Not because they don't want to, it's more because they like how things are. Easy, fun and effortless...With that being said, DON'T give up! If you want your husband to want you - ROMANCE HIM! Start buying sexy outfits, play the part and GET his attention. Get the kids to the grandparent's house and TAKE him away for a weekend.

[completelyconfused]

Wow! All I can say is that I completely understand what you're going through! It has been 4 weeks of not seeing my MM and 3 long weeks of not speaking or communicating with him, and I have to agree it's one of the most difficult things to do...

 

I find myself thnking about him ALL the time...at the store, in traffic, everywhere. And I wonder the exact same thing you do. I wonder if he thinks about me and if he misses me. And just like you I also think that he loves me and feels as I do even though we have never said it to each other. I have a question for you though-do you still love your husband?? I know that you have a lot to loose if your A was ever discovered or if it was to continue, because you do have some of the most important things on the line such as you kids, your home, your marriage. But I also feel where you are coming from and unfortunately once you feel like you love someone there is no on and off switch. And once they are so embedded in your heart it's so difficult to get them out. So try and be strong and continue with the NC and if you fall you just have to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Remember that even though you may feel like your never going to get them out of your heart, time does heal (or at least this is what I tell myself).

[Meaplus3]

Wow! All I can say is that I completely understand what you're going through! It has been 4 weeks of not seeing my MM and 3 long weeks of not speaking or communicating with him, and I have to agree it's one of the most difficult things to do...

 

I find myself thnking about him ALL the time...at the store, in traffic, everywhere. And I wonder the exact same thing you do. I wonder if he thinks about me and if he misses me. And just like you I also think that he loves me and feels as I do even though we have never said it to each other. I have a question for you though-do you still love your husband?? I know that you have a lot to loose if your A was ever discovered or if it was to continue, because you do have some of the most important things on the line such as you kids, your home, your marriage. But I also feel where you are coming from and unfortunately once you feel like you love someone there is no on and off switch. And once they are so embedded in your heart it's so difficult to get them out. So try and be strong and continue with the NC and if you fall you just have to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Remember that even though you may feel like your never going to get them out of your heart, time does heal (or at least this is what I tell myself).

 

Thanks for your advice. Do I still love my husband? I am not sure anymore. Although we have shared many wonderful moment's, a long history and three beautiful children he can be very emotinally abusive to me. Many people in my life have noticed this and warned me from the start over 15 years ago, call me a big SUCKER, but I have stuck thing's out. I am not saying he is always this way but he can be and when he is, how could you or why would you want to LOVE him? He is on medication for his mood's and it does help some but not enough. Even if I wanted to leave right now I just simply can't for the sake of my children.

[Meaplus3]

Sorry Wrong Post

[Guest]

Whichwayisup, I notice that you tell everyone in an A that they love their H/W and should work it out. A lot of times that isn't the case. It doesn't justify having an A, of course but it also doesn't mean the couple is in love anymore either.

 

Think of an old ex B/F or H that you broke up with and think about if you could rekindle with them. Most of us would say no I think. It's not that it's impossible to do but over time you've fallen out of love with them--no matter how much history you've had together or if you've had children with them.

 

And sharing history doesn't always mean much because it's not always good history . Take the OP story for example, he has been verbally abusive to her. That's part of their history. Is a history of verbal abuse something to look back fondly on?

 

Anyway my point is that having a history with someone or being married to someone doesn't mean that there's still love there.

 

As far as the OP goes, I am not sure if staying for the kids is a good idea. If your husband has been verbally abusive, how does that affect your children? How will that affect their relationships in the future?