Enough sex, but she has no interest in it....

[wonderingmind]

I know "pity sex" isn't that fun, as I have given it to my husband numerous times to shut him up

 

I'm borrowing your words because I believe there's validity there. I, however, believe pity sex is different from giving in "to shut him up."

 

Pity sex is feeling sorry for the poor guy and giving a little somethinsomething to forget his woes for a minute or two.

 

Giving in "to shut him up" is way different.

 

OP, she loves you and you love her. The best gift you can give your wife now isn't a card or vacation, it's time. It won't be like this forever.

[MrDarcy]

James, your posts give me hope! I'm pretty much going trough the same thing as both you and the OP, and it's tearing me apart as well.

 

What I do not want is to stay married for another 20 years, wishing and hoping she will wake up to sexuality one day, and it never happens.

This pretty much says it all.

 

Unlike many men, I don't feel sex is a right, even when married. Although some women seem to want men to beg and push them into having sex, I don't feel that it's my right to demand sex. Although I do not expect my wife to initiate sex each time, I want sex to be a mutual thing, (and as I'm ready for sex more or less all the time, that shouldn't be a problem)

I do however agree that sex is an important aspect of any relationship. Maybe some women feel that it isn't but I bet my life savings you'll ever hear a man say that, and any women claiming sex is not important to her has lost part of her soul. (let the bashing begin!)

 

Even though I don't believe sex is a right in any relationship, married or not, I do believe it's a indicator of the state of the relationship. IMO, a healthy relationship will contain sex.

 

James, could you explain a little more about the Thyroid thing? Either in a private message or here in this thread. My wife has had trouble with Thyroxine levels earlier, and she has what seems like mood swings and other physical problems too, and I thought maybe this could be something similar to what your wife had. Your story seems almost surreal, but I'm hoping what you say is true and that the change was as radical as you say, although the way you tell it it seems the change happened almost overnight. Was that the case?

[JamesM]

Mr Darcy, it WAS an overnight thing...and it still seems surreal.

 

I will give you a website that was given to me that got me started on the path toward recovery. I cannot say that this is your problem, but I am certain that many have the same thing as my wife.

 

Thyroid levels are measured and if you are "normal" then you will not be diagnosed as having additional thyroid needs. However, what is normal for some is not always normal for others. My wife had normal numbers and was on synthroid. This boosted her T4 levels, but she did not metabolize this T4 into T3 as normal bodies do. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, depression, and something else. She was on antidepressants, ritalin, and pain pills. Now, she takes some pain pills and has no depression.

 

My wife was able to convince her doctor to give her a different thyroid medicine which combined meds for both T3 and T4 (unlike synthroid which is for T4 only). He didn't believe it would help, but because she is a nurse, he was willing to work with her. Overnight her muscle and joint pain diminished. Before a shopping trip caused her to be in pain for the rest of the day. A swim in the pools caused her to be in pain. Simply standing too long caused her pain. She needed a nap in the middle of the day. Her mood was unpredictable. Most moods were anger or depression. She had many headaches. Normal stress could be overwhelming. The change was amazing.

 

The part I was looking for...her libido also came back. But to me, the joy of watching her enjoy life again is more of a marvel.

 

I would tell anyone who has a low libido and no other apparent reason to at least get the thyroid tests done. Have them test both the T3 and T4 levels.

[MrDarcy]

What you're describing sounds just like the problems my wife is having; muscle and joint issues, mood issues, feeling tired, headaches. She's not in as much pain as your wife seemed to be, but the symptoms sound similar. I'm going to talk to her about it. She had her thyroid levels checked a while back, and the tests indicated they were normal. She's not on any meds now, but like I said, she was on Thyroxine a few years back.

 

Btw, the moderator apparently don't care much for links to external sites, so if you could send the link in a PM, that'd be great.

 

It actually isn't all about the sex. Like you, I just want my wife to be able to live again. That'll probably help our relationship as well.

[MrDarcy]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to derail this thread completely, but I have another question for you JamesM; I've been reading a little on thyroid disorders and as far as I can tell the symptoms also involve physical changes such as puffed face and swollen thyroid gland. Did your wife have any such symptoms?

[whichwayisup]

MrDarcy, this is a very interesting topic, I'd like to add on my thoughts as well but maybe you should make another thread so that way we're all not thread stealing.

[JamesM]

Mr Darcy, I agree with WWIU. If you start your own thread, I will hand over more info that I have learned. I cannot PM you until you reach 50 posts I think.

 

BTW, swollen gland yes. Puffy cheeks no. But each person may have different symptoms.

 

Do a google for drlowe....no space.

[MrDarcy]

Okay, I'm sorry everyone. Just got a little carried away. I've started a thread in the Self-improvement topic. (Didn't really know where else to put it. The sexual thread wasn't really appropriate.) JamesM, I would very much like some more input from you.

[Sup]

Is there any indication that there is someone else? You mentioned that she "shaves", but not for you. I'm not saying that there is, don't accuse her. But could it be possible, Anyone?

[stillafool]

I think she is tired and worn out by that time of night. I'm always horney in the middle of the day. My h was home a week and couldn't believe it. Of course that's the most inopportune time for him but it's my peak. I'm so tired by late night I just want to go to sleep. Tell her how pretty she is to build her self-esteem. Soon she will feel prettier and sexier.

[marriedwithtwo]

SUP - let me assure you there is no one else (for either of us). I know there are nay sayers, but I'm quite certain of this.

 

Maybe I didn't make clear about the shaving....she is shaving so that hair is not seen when she wears her bathing suit in public (only on the sides where it has to be done).

 

 

I don't expect her to be a "porn star", but rather consider them because she wants me to be happy, same as I would do for her. The part that frustrates me is that these things are not weird, or painful, or kinky, or take that much effort really. They are mild things which would simply improved things up for the both of it. And honestly I would love it, but it's more that I want her to enjoy things the way I do. I want her to let go and feel free to enjoy, which I think is what is missing for her right now.

 

I'm sure it will take time, and patience. What I don't want to do is say nothing ever because then how will she know what's going on or how I feel? She'll think things are fine unless I talk with her about them (in a non-pestering manner).

 

I still do not understand the mother connection. Sure, she feels like a mother 100% of the time, I understand that, and it makes her a wonderful mother. But are mothers not allowed to freely express themselves and enjoy sex to it's fullest? How does feeling like you are a mother limit your sexual desire (unless there is a hormone change). Even in scripture it emphasizes joy of sex for anyone married, and loosing your inhibitions!

 

Circumstances with visitors this weekend were not right for discussion about our relationship. Tonight is date night, so might have some further relationship discussions tonight (asking her how satisfied she is with our relationship, and what I give).

[JamesM]

The mother connection does actually hinder her at times because she is tired, the kids have been stressful, they are sick, and on and on it goes. Her mind cannot concentrate on enjoying sex, when so many things in life need to be taken care of. A man can shut these out, a woman cannot. Unfortunately, these are things beyond your control. It takes time for a woman to accept these things as part of life. My wife has an easier time of not worrying about the door opening. Other women have that at the back of their mind. Mine gets stressed by the children being her responsibility all day. Then when I come home, I make a comment, "What's for supper?" Innocent, yes, but costly. Or after a long day for her, she wants to relax by herself.....read, watch TV, etc. I come along and ask for sex. She perceives it as filling my needs, not pleasurable passion between two people. "Here we go again! Taking care of someone else while I have to wait!" She thinks.

 

This is very real. It is not just about enjoying sex to the fullest and to its kinkiest...which no, she may not have the same party attitude towards sex...it is about having her needs met, too. I hear you and understand about your needs, but what are the things that she thinks equals sex...in her mind?

 

What is your goal here? Improving YOUR sex life? Or finding out what keeps her from enjoying HER sex life? The two are not the same. In one, you ask her why she doesn't enjoy sex as much as you and when you want it. In the other, you ask her what you can do to make her life easier, make her more relaxed and less stressed, improve "our" relationship, and expect nothing in return. No sex, no hugs, no nothng. Just what is holding her back. Maybe you need to listen to her throughout the week. Maybe it means more touching, hugging, in a nonsexual way. It may mean getting your own dinner, luch, etc. while the kids are being taken care of. Maybe it means doing laundry instead of watching nascar, football, or whatever sport. Sex is much more than a romp in bed. It is a 24 hour preparation. As much as she enjoys the nights out and you watching the kids, it may be that throughout the week, she needs to feel that you are supporting her. I understand your anger and frustration. Is it worth all of this? I can say yes, but you may not feel that way now.

 

(Side note...as I type this, I am babysitting my kids for the day. My wife worked. Obviously, I should be babysitting/parenting. However, I know of another husband that expects his wife to come home after her night shift, and watch the kids while he is working or playing. Then he wonders why she is not perky at night. When I cannot do it, I make sure that there is someone available, or I am here. No I am not perfect, but this much I have learned..."when Mama's happy, we're all happy.")

 

One last thought...don't overdo the "relationship talks." She will begin to look up against date night if it is not about the two of you just going out, getting away from children and enjoying each other...no strings attached. Trust me, this I know.