Lovers, friends, or what?

[sandilynn]

Hi, I have been seeing my boyfriend 3 months now. He never *asked* me to marry him, but simply stated that *he would marry me*... so last week, I brought it up... he said he would marry me and asked me when. I suggested we get married next month or in September. He seemed happy with that. But, then he disappears on me for 4 days, comes back and tells me that he only wants us to be friends...that he does not want anything serious, does not want to marry me or anybody, just wants to have fun. He said that he is not seeing anybody else, doesn't want to, wants only me, tells me that he loves me, and doesn't need to sign a piece of paper. He told me that he wants us to build a strong friendship, become best friends that nothing has changed between us, just that he does not want to marry me. That pretty much sums it up. I don't know what to make of this yo-yo love he is dishing out. His actions and body language clearly say "I love you", but what comes out of his mouth is not matching what he is showing me in non-verbal body language and physical contact. I have been reading a lot of relationship sites, trying to decipher him. I am now more confused than before! These sites, based upon what I have read, my man is really head-over-heals crazy in love with me. So, why this pull-back? He still holds me, hugs, kisses me...touches me in *those special intimate ways*... like before, but not as often and our sex life has not even started.

 

He has gone through the first two stages, and for the past 3 weeks, has been in stage three: Head Over Heals. He says he wants to wait awhile before we start having sex....says he wants something more than *just sex* with me, that he wants to build a very strong friendship/best friends foundation with me first. He said that too many people have sex too early on in their relationships and they never last. He wants us to last. So what do I do with all of this? I am torn up about what to do. I see him as my *forever* love .. the love of my life...even without sex...but I want sex with him now and he won't go beyond heavy petting, kissing, hugging and teasing me sexually.

 

Oh, I want to add: until 3 weeks ago, we were seeing each other daily and often, I would stay the night at his place. Now we see each other 4 to 6 times a week, he has not wanted me to visit him at his place either for 3 weeks. Can't say I blame him for that, he is living in his mom's garage. Though, he has converted over nicely as a bedroom, his mom is not too keen with my staying overnight there...or him living there. He says it's his mom who told him *no visitors*.

 

What advice do you have for all of this?

[michelangelo]

but since you were and he still wanted to sleep with you, at least he was moving in that direction, he waffled and said the things he did so he could bed you some day. He apparently is pretty slow. So imagine him not rushing into marriage if he isn't rushing into sex.

 

of course, he'll deny that, but i think at this point you scared him off with the marriage thing.

[sandilynn]

From the start, he's not pressed for sex. After a fight, we talked calmly a couple of days later about it and that was when he said someday he would like to marry me. We met back in February, but did not start seeing each other till April. If I scared him off, why did he come back after disappearing for 4 days? His behavior is not matching his talk or many non-verbal signals. I did, agree with him about slowing things down and just enjoy being together. Truth be told, I am not ready for marriage, either. But, with how things got between us, I thought we were both ready for it. So, I brought it up again. He seemed to look forward to it, at the time. I am not freaking out over the marriage thing. I know it's rare to happen, but even after that folly of marriage-talk, there have been couples to work through that mistake, take things slower and later, much later, get married. Since he came back to me, I am considering this as a positive. He could have just stayed away, after all! I am willing to go the extra mile to turn things around for us. I am willing to take that chance. I am not concerned about the marriage thing, as I am more concerned with getting us back on track and keeping things going in a positive and constructive growth between us. He is favorable to it, so I will take that risk with him. It just makes no sense to me, to throw in the towel, when he wants to remain with me and build a deeper, lifetime relationship with me. I believe him about genuinely wanting that with me. I see this marriage-talk mistake as being no diferrent than any fight couples will have and remain together. There are several other faucets of our relationship, that I did not bring up, that makes me confident enough to at least try to recover from the marriage talk blunder and have a wonderful relationship with him. As for him not pressing for sex, there is a more realistic reasoning for that...both of us live with our family and haven't any privacy for having sex. Also, neither of us have the financial ability to afford a motel room.