xxbaddgurl83xx Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have been engaged for about 2 years. We both really want to get married but there seems to be one thing holding us back..... my mom! Her and my boyfriend do not get along AT ALL!!! In fact he isn't allowed anywhere near her house and since him and I moved in together a few months ago she hasn't even been over our place because he is there! They had words with each other about a year ago and ever since she wants nothing to do with him. She even bad talks him to my other family memebers which has got them against our relationship now too! Him and I went through a rough period where we broke up for a few months, well we decided to get back together and all I would hear her say is how stupid I am for being with him. We both want to get married and we even talked about going to the court house but deep down I don't want to do that. I can't bear the thought of getting married without my family's approval and I sure don't want to sneak behind their backs and do it. I don't know how to make things better. My boyfriend is willing to make amends with my mom but my mom wants nothing to do with him. I've asked her over and over again when she is going to come to my new place and she keeps saying "when the time is right". Well she's felt this way for over a year now, so when is the time going to be right?!?! What am I suppose to do? This has me a emotional wreck. I am constantly crying to my boyfriend because it hurts so bad that my family, especially my mother can't accept us. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Does your mom have a reason for not liking him? If so, I'm sure she has told you what the reason may be. Share it with us. The key to making someone change their mind is something that is usually the very last thing we would EVER do. What is it? Listen to their point of view. Once they feel like you are taking their concerns or ideas seriously, they are more open to hearing how you are handling them or different ideas. Think about it for a second. When was the last time that you were trying to explain something to someone and they kept interupting you saying, "yea, but..." "yea, but..." It probably frustrated you and you didn't bother to listen to what was after the "but..." So, don't do that to your mom. Listen to her concerns slowly. (Some of them might be valid, but that is okay). After she is done, then you can start with, "I can see how that would be a concern. (this statments assures her you are taking her seriously) I've talked to Bob about that and here is our plan to deal with it." Conflict resolution is difficult, but in this case you are joining two families, and you need to be aggressive (in a passive way) about resolving it. You don't want to be saddled with these issues for the rest of your life. And, if you don't want to do the courthouse thing, then don't! Plan the wedding, and hopefully your mom will come around by the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 There's lots of reasons why my mom does not like him. Geez where should I begin: 1. I ended up cheating on him and when he found out we got into a huge fight and he slapped me in the face. This hasn't happened since and we have worked everything out but my mom just thinks that it is eventually going to happen again. 2. My brother was being a jerk towards me and when my boyfriend tried to defend me my brother threw a coffee mug at his head so my boyfriends first reaction was to go after my brother so I had to jump in between them (mom didn't like that very much) 3. My boyfriend and I were arguing and my mom jumped in the middle to give her two cents and my boyfriend told her to shut the hell up and mind her own f**king business. That was basically when she started hating him. I guess I can understand why my mother would be concerned because she doesn't want to see her only daughter end up hurt. But I just wish that she could see that things are going really good and we love each other very much. I just wish she could keep the past in the past. Things have been going great between us for some time now. If I'm happy than why can't she be happy for me? She needs to let go of the past and focus on the present. Link to post Share on other sites
vampress1 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I think bab has offered you some pretty wise advice. Was he unfaithful to you? I'm not saying your mom would have a right to hold a grudge, but surely you can see why a situation like that might cause a mom to be protective. In the end, it is your decision to marry this man. Your mom should accept that you have made your choice. It would be wise of her to attempt to reconcile with your fiance for the sake of your relationship with her. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. It seems very unfair of your mom to put you in the middle. She is forcing you to make a very difficult decision... him or her. I think it is very mature of your fiance to be willing to make amends. I hope your mom comes around. Link to post Share on other sites
vampress1 Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I'm a bit slow with the typing... sorry about that. So your mom does have SOME reason to not be too fond of the fiance. BUT, it is definitely time to let bygones be bygones. Use the conversation advise given to you by bab and I think you will be pleased with the end result. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 How about if you tell your mom that your boyfriend wants to make sure she's comfortable with your relationship, AND that he is willing to go to pre-marital counseling with you, AND that he is willing to take some anger management classes (if he's willing, of course). My view is that she's seeing a pattern of potentially abusive behavior there - his response to things when he's angry is to let his anger get out of control and either respond physically (slapping you, going after your brother) or to respond in a verbally abusive way (telling your mother off). She's probably witnessed other arguments/behaviors as well and is concerned that if you stay with this guy, you will end up in a bad, bad situation. If he shows that he is willing to take actual steps to curb his response to anger, perhaps that will help your mother accept him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 My boyfriend has taken steps to help himself and our relationship. He has brain damange which is pretty much why he reacts in such irrational ways when he gets angry. Well probably about 6 months ago he got on medication for these issues, his brain damage and his anger. The medication is working wonderfully! But of course my mom sees it just as his ploy to keep me! She doesn't see it as him trying to help himself and prevent these bad things from happening. It seems like everything possitive that he does she has to somehow find something negative about it. Getting through to her is like getting through to a brick wall, it just isn't happening! We shouldn't feel like we have to prove our relationship to anybody yet that is how I feel. I feel like I can't even mention his name around my mom because her whole attitude changes. God forbid I say anything negative about him because than in her mind he is a ******* but when I say good things about him is seems to go in one ear and out the other. She could care less. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 God forbid I say anything negative about him because than in her mind he is a ******* but when I say good things about him is seems to go in one ear and out the other. She could care less. I have been right where you are now. The first time I got engaged my whole family told me they wouldn't be at my wedding. It was completely lovely of them, don't ya think? Anyway, I never did marry him. But my oldest son is his child, my love child. He was and still is a good guy. His heart is in the right place. And I still think about him 'that way' sometimes. Unfortunately when you express your anger or whatever bad feelings you have of him to your family, they're gonna share in that. Because they love you, and the anger goes towards him, not you. They hear this is wrong with him and that is wrong with him and mostly all they're seeing is how upset he makes you. Which is why they don't like him. They aren't around for the good things he does or is. They don't love him. Therefore, forgiveness isn't as easily given to him by them as it is by you. I wish I could tell you what to do. But, if you're anything like me, you're gonna do what you wanna do. Link to post Share on other sites
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