What do i think?

[Guest]

if you thought you counted one condom missing, would you automatically assume your b/f was cheating?

 

Last week were on the verge of breaking up due to my trust issues and questioning him--i never heard him speak like that before saying i'm sorry i cant do this anymore--at that point i really started to think--maybe i am wrong and should start trusting more--or just try to calm down and not tell him everything i find weird which can be just a normal situation in reality.

We worked things out from last week.

[Guest]

(the one who posted origianlly) I thought i counted 9 last time--i looked at it atleast twice---last night--there were 8 including the one we used.

 

Well i just spoke to my b/f--and tried to bring up a convo related to it--i said maybe we should be using more of those(meaning the condoms) and he said ok, it's not a big deal. I said--you look like you are running out and he said not really--there should be 7 or 8 there..I then said you count them? And he said no he saw when he was pulling one out when we used one, and then he asked back--do you count them?--and i said why would you ask me that--and he said well you asked me that--he said i have heard of girls doing that to check on their b/f's--and i said for what--to find out if they are cheating? and he said yeah i guess--although its stupid b/c if he wants to get away with it, the guy can spend the few bucks to buy another package. I said, gese, you sure do know a lot about getting away with cheating--he said you know what, if i really wanted to i probably could. He said usually sooner or later things are found out though.

 

I then mentioned--didn't want to say it was the other night b/c i'm supposed to be more trusting of him--that a few months ago or i dont really know when i thought i saw a few missing..my b/f just said are you kidding me? He said well then why didn't you mention it since you mention everything else that bothers you--i just said i don't know i just didn't and i said what would you even tell me--and he said i guess nothing and you know why? b/c there is nothing to tell.

So i think even looking at the condoms from now is not gonna help--either he realized it from the convo--or my b/f isn't stupid--he knew about this in general and maybe is careful or just didn't do anything.

[megnog]

usually, i'd want to say "keep snooping and find out whats really going on!"

 

but for this case i think you should lay off the condoms bit. it seems like hes getting frustrated by you always questioning him about little things and that can send him cheating if he isn't already.

quit counting the condoms, you not knowing how many there were and are will stop you worrying about that. if he cheated i think there are different ways to eventually find out so just relax, enjoy a good relationship, and stop badgering him at least for the next month to make sure he doesn't want to call it quits.

 

however, should you find other hard evidence, just drop him - hes not worth your time and stress.

[Walk]

Hmmm... Are you always this suspicious in relationships? Is it just this relationship? Did your insecurity level increase at a specific time in this relationship? (ie. were you fine for a year, and then suddenly get insecure about everything?)

 

I don't think your bf is cheating. I don't think he's even entertaining the thought of cheating right now. I think you have some serious trust issues, and are incredibly insecure. That's alright... but it might help you to talk to someone who could help shed some light on why you are so suspicious and distrustful. But I seriously doubt your bf is cheating (from what you posted).

 

• i'm sorry i cant do this anymore
  
• i said maybe we should be using more of those(meaning the condoms) and he said ok
  
• he said no he saw when he was pulling one out when we used one [condom]
  
• he asked back--do you count them?--
  
• [he said] its stupid b/c if he wants to get away with it, the guy can spend the few bucks to buy another package.
  
• [he said] if i really wanted to i probably could
  
• He said usually sooner or later things are found out though.
  
• [he said] are you kidding me? He said well then why didn't you mention it since you mention everything else that bothers you--
  

 

The reason why I say I don't think he's cheating is because none of his reactions have been defensive toward the accusation of cheating, he's defensive toward your lack of trust. He stated that Yes, he could (cheat) if he wanted to. He was surprised you count the condoms. He wasn't upset that you supposedly caught him in a lie.... but that you would go so far as to count condoms in an attempt to catch him lying. He wasn't upset that you accused him of cheating now, but sarcastically surprised that you didn't mention it earlier.

 

You don't trust your bf. I guess it's rather simple actually. Dump him. Nothing he says or does is going to change your mind. For what ever reason, it seems like you've got it in your head that you're not good enough for him, and that he'll find someone else. Maybe you think you are worthless or something, and you're scared he'll realize this and cheat on you. I don't know... but you can't have a solid healthy relationship if you don't trust him. So either dump him, or get yourself some help so that you can have a healthy relationship. You trust him enough to have sex with him, yet won't trust him on the important things? I strongly, strongly urge you to talk to an advisor, or get some professional counseling to help you work through some of the problems you are having. They will help you see things more clearly, could potentially talk to each of you to discover what things your bf might be doing that cause you to lose your trust in him. And maybe they could give the two of you some ideas on how to communicate more clearly and how to build your trust in each other. As it is now... your relationship won't last if it continues the way its going.

[Guest]

I really appreciate your response b/c not many have responded.

 

I don't know if i am not thinking clearly about the number b/c i dont wanna believe my b/f would do that especially after him almost breaking up with me over trust. I really felt it was end just b/c i NEVER heard him speak like that. If didn't stop him and just said if thats the way you feel ok--it would have been over.

 

Listen to this though--when i did originally look which was about a week and a half ago..maybe almost 2 weeks ago..we have 2 different sets..and there were only one left of the one set--and i originally got suspicious thinking there should be more of that set and i just let it go b/c i really wasnt sure--we hadn't used them in awhile--But i thought i counted the other and 9 seems familiar(like thats what i counted and then one of the other which makes 10)...When we did sleep with one another and used one that night..i don't remember counting 7 of the one kind and one of the other making 8 in total. I could have sworn i remember counting 9 of the yellow condoms...my head and heart are really hurting right now.

[Guest]

Do i let all of this go just b/c i am feeling anxious and just hope another sign would turn up if he is up to no good..maybe a night we don't see each other i should see if he is at his apartment when he is telling me he is at his mother's house where he usually stays.. What can i do here?

[Walk]

Are you basing this completely off a condom count? Is there other stuff going on that you didn't mention in this post? I'm curious if you are reacting to other things (in addition) but didn't post them in this thread.

 

I'm sorry you believe your bf is cheating. Its not a happy place to be. And the worst part is, unless you catch him in the act, then you'll never know for sure. He may be telling you the absolute truth. He may be lying. But you have to take both his words and actions into consideration. Mostly his actions. Place weight on those.

 

And I think the two of you have communication problems. Somewhere in there you two aren't getting the full message across. You're feeling insecure, and he's upset with you for being insecure. It might do better to have a discussion with him on how to rebuild the trust, rather than putting all your energy into catching him. How can he prove to you he's not cheating? And would you be willing to work on your trust issues if he could prove it?

 

Quick story... One night I was up with a bad stomach ache... It was about 2am or so. We have nextel, and the my bf's phone chirps, and I hear this woman's voice asking "Are you still awake?" I sat there for a moment.. and then I hear... "Are you there?" So, I answer it and say "I'm sorry, he's sleeping." She says okay, and signs off. Then I got to thinking.... why would someone be calling my bf at 2 in the morning. So I beep her back, and I say "You just beeped this number, and I was wondering who you were trying to reach." She tells me a name, which isn't my bf, I tell her she had the wrong number, and that was it.

 

My first reaction wasn't "he's cheating". Figured it was someone he gave his number to. Then I realized that he probably wouldn't give another woman his number, so she probably had the wrong number.

 

How do I know he isn't cheating? I don't. But we communicate what we need, what we feel is lacking, how to resolve that, what our partner can do to make us happy, and what are partner is doing that we appreciate.

 

If you are so focused on catching him in a lie, you'll destroy your relationship anyway. If you want that, then why don't you track his odometer miles? Get his cell bill and check numbers? You can cross check them on reverse number look up. You could get a keylogger for his computer and track every message he sends. You could follow him and track his every move. Check his glove compartment for condoms and count those. Track his spending. And call his parents house to double check if he actually showed up. If you want to invest all your energy into catching him, then go all out on it. However, I strongly recommend that you work on making your relationship the kind where he wouldn't want to cheat, rather than focus on catching him cheating.

 

What will you do if you find out he's not cheating? What will you do if you find out he has? Would you leave him if he was?

[Guest]

I would never stay with someone if they were cheating. Plain and simple.

 

My good friend said--i shouldnt be looking for things--if he is cheating,somehow it will be discovered on its own and i should just let this situation go.

 

Why he almost break up over me not trusting and the arguments and then do something like that?

[typical]

Listen to this though--when i did originally look which was about a week and a half ago..maybe almost 2 weeks ago..we have 2 different sets..and there were only one left of the one set--and i originally got suspicious thinking there should be more of that set and i just let it go b/c i really wasnt sure--we hadn't used them in awhile--But i thought i counted the other and 9 seems familiar(like thats what i counted and then one of the other which makes 10)...When we did sleep with one another and used one that night..i don't remember counting 7 of the one kind and one of the other making 8 in total. I could have sworn i remember counting 9 of the yellow condoms...my head and heart are really hurting right now.

 

Look.....I used to be a condom counter....I did the same things you did, count, recount every few days, kept track of colors, brands, dates, play tricks on my mind, swearing that I miscounted days before.....It made me freaking nuts. NUTS. Things reached an all time low when I started making little marks on each condom....and then.....

 

I stopped. I finally came to the realization that it didnt matter anymore. Nothing did, really. I think I went a little crazy during that time. I did find condoms were missing, but when I confronted, there was always a story, and it was always a story that logically sounded legitimate, but had no real proof, but still couldnt accuse because it sounded legitimate, if that makes sense. I realized that what I had on my hands was a master liar and manipulator and that I just had to wait, and all would be revealed.

 

There is another theory.....he could be testing you. He could have taken one condom out and hid it to judge your reaction. Mine has done this to me on many of occasions, (regarding alot of things, not just condoms)screws with my head like that.

 

I have learned to live with it and ignore it. For now. All that matters is that you are living right. You have no control over his actions, only yours. Dont let yourself continue being sucked up in this vicious cycle. It will destroy you and your relationship, garanteed. He might feel a surge of pride that he could bring you to your knees with something seemingly so small and trivial. To know that he has that power over you.....

 

Why he almost break up over me not trusting and the arguments and then do something like that?

 

He is training you. Conditioning you. Dont you understand this?

Because its all just a game, a test.....He knows he has got you, and probably feels so empowered. Dont let on that you know this, from here on out.....IGNORE IT ALL. it will hurt, you will feel sick inside, really really sick, your stomach will churn with anger and sadness.....go walk it off. I know you wont let go of him, otherwise I would tell you to leave him. But for some reason, the stakes are too high for him with you, and you wont cut ties.

 

Take back your power. You have to give a crap enough not to give a crap anymore if you really want this thing.

[bab]

I would never stay with someone if they were cheating. Plain and simple.

 

My good friend said--i shouldnt be looking for things--if he is cheating,somehow it will be discovered on its own and i should just let this situation go.

 

Why he almost break up over me not trusting and the arguments and then do something like that?

 

Why be with someone that you don't trust anyway? Either put your trust in him, or leave him. A relationship in which you feel the need to count the condoms, isn't a relationship, it's a prison term. Stop stitting on the fence. Either invest yourself in the relationship or get out. This half-way stuff is going to cause you to end up in the loony bin.

[Guest]

I definitely see your point about him probably liking me like this to a certain extent.

 

Do you really think him saying that was just a test or "training"? In over a year he never said that to me--and i really feel if i just said ok if that is how you feel then i guess this really over--and i think that would have been it.

 

Maybe i am wrong and just blinded but that is what i truly thought. He has told me before too--if you don't trust me and think everything i say is BS, then what are you doing, why are you with me?