3 long years(long entry though)

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For 3 long years i've like "This Girl." She has been a tremendous influence in my life. I've become the person i am today because of her. It all started when I was going out with her best friend, I didn't know her at the time. Things dind't work out, but me and my ex still stayed REALLY close friends. So i started to get to know "This Girl" a little bit better when my ex went back to Korea. Her and I became really close friends then, I think what sparked it was when she invited me over to her HUGE white house with a lake in the backyard. The sun was setting and i asked to go out to the backyard to see it set. Another person was with us,a friend of ours, but our friend didn't want to see it and suggested that we should go out there ourselves. So we did and it was GREAT(for me at least). It was beautiful looking at the red, orange, and purple skies. I became close friends with her by the time my ex got back from Korea, to the point when my ex became jealous(she used another reason at first but years later she told me the truth) of her that it kinda ruined their friendship(it more complicated then this). We all grew apart a year later and i was still having feelings about "her". So i decided to tell her, i wrote her an email telling her my feelings. But the response i got ruined me from years on. She said she's sorry but she only thought of me as "bestfriend's boyfriend."( yeah she's still loyal to her best friend even long after they've broken apart). Everyone thought she liked me, EVERYONE, but in the end she said no. Is it because of loyalty to her friend or she just had everyone fooled? In the letter it dind't say anything about not liking me(at least i cna't recall becase i was too upset at the time, i deleted it).

 

We haven't talked for about a year, not like usually at least, but she later invited me to her birthday party, the party that me and two other girls including her old ex-bestfrend(all of us were her old friends) got invited to, most of the other people were her new friends. Her present from me was a drawing that i drew of her, framed, along with two other presents. On the back of the drawing i wrote lightly "i'm still in love"(don't knwo she found it yet). What upset me the most was when i came there and she didn't recognize who i was but at least she invited me? She said it was because of my hair, that i've grew it out that she dind't recognize me. We didn't talk much after that but she was still on my mind every once in a while.

 

Months later I'm invited to my ex's party, planned by her and her friends. But at the time my ex asked me to be her fake boyfriend for the party because some guy wanted to go out with her but she doesn't. So i said yes because i thought it was harmless fun.(We pretty much fooled everyone at the party that we had got back together) Turns out the guy wasn't even there(iuno if he was even invited), but "she" was. she was supposively "talking" to another guy. That upseted me. After that I talked to her on Aim and somehow we got to the subject of her going out with that guy. She asked me "is he right for me? do you think?" and I said "I think you deserve better but you can't help who you like so...i guess". Days later i found out she didn't go out with him *phew*, but i don't believe it was because of my convincing. Why can't she "talk" to me?! Why can't she see? Is it because of the stunt that i pulled with my ex that made the distance between us even further. But she was talking to this guy before the party.

 

Valentine's day came and it was snowing. I decided today would be a perfect day to give her all her presents from the past holidays i've bought for her. So i drove to her house and rang the door bell and left her presents and a rose on her doorsteps. She called me later that day saying thank you. Not much of a conversation but it was enough...no it wasn't I'm denying myself. After months of not talking to one another and i did that for her all she has to say is thank you? does she not want to do anything with me anymore or did she not know what to say?

 

We don't talk that often but months later she invited me to go hang out (it's surprising after so long she still invites me to go hang out after not talking and then suddenly inviting me to hang out) with her and some friends of hers it was great, at first, this lasted about a month until i got sick and tired of driving them around and wasting my gas, that and the fact that "her" and another guy in the group was "talking". A month later when i stoped hanging around them because i was jealous. They went out and it killed me. From then on i stop talking to her, at least not getting into her personal life. I talk to her every 3 times a year kind of thing . Most if not all of the conversation that we rarely(because she gets on like 20 times a year) have on AIM now is because of me IMing her.

 

I called her to tell her happy birthday this year but from the judgement of my friends who heard my overly loud phone's speckers said it sounded liek she didn't want to talk to me or even do anythign with me. It was an ackward conversation. It went somethign liek this:(i've recently had a phone change and havne't called her yet)

 

Me: Hello?

Her: Hello?

Me: You know who this is?

Her: No?

Me: Guess

Her: If I get this totally wrong, I'm sorry. *Insert my name*

Me: Yeah, I've had a recent phone company change, I'm just calling to tell you happy birthday

Her: Thanks

Me: So how was it?

Her: Good

Me: Did chu do anything?

Her: Yeah, went to Olive Garden with some friends

Me: How was that?

Her: Good

Me: Hey, we should go out and grab a bite to eat sometimes.

Her: Yeah(said in a weird way, or so my friends said)

Me: and expect a present soon from me.

Her: No, No it's okay( they said this was the part where she sounded like she didn't want to talk to me anymore or do anything with me)

Me: Well anyways i needa go I'll talk to you later

Her: Bye

 

Why doens't she want to talk to me? Why not even as a friend? Is she afraid or is it because we've grown apart so much?

 

I know her new bestfriend and we've recently talked and I told her if she needs anyone to play tennis with just call me up. During a recent message sent on Myspace she said something about her and "HER" trying to call me to play (this is a surprise because "SHE" doens't play tennis)but i dind't answer my phone, i was expecting the message to be something like "I" tried calling you, but you dindt answer and not the "and" included. Phones are sometimes gay and you dont' recieve anything sometimes. But yeah this is giving me hope again but I think i shouldn't be looking at that. I also THINK she's talking to another person.

 

My question is, why am i still dreading on her?! AHH! It's not like i can't get another girl, I'm going out with someone right now and i still can't think of "her". "She" isn't the prettiest girl to look at nor is she on the fine list. But something about her just gets me hooked on to her, I don't know what ,but i want it out. I feel as though I like her because of her status she's rich, huge house with lake in the backyard, she has her own apartment at age 14, and she goes to hokaday(second best school in the nation). Maybe it's not that, I hope not, but the more think about it the more it's driving me nuts. Maybe it's because I like how outgoing she is,how talented she is, how random she is, and how i can talk to her like no one else. This drives me nuts, but she can writes songs and performs them too. Plays the guitar and sings all at the same time while I can't even play an instrument. It sounds liek i'm some stalker of hers but I'm not. This was before when i knew her, she shared everything with me, from books to tampons. I feel like i'm in the movie memoirs of a geshia cept i'm the the geshia and she's "that girl" that has to be loyal to her friend. What should i do?

 

You know writing all this down and sharing it really took alot off my shoulders. i'm starting to feel like i ONLY miss her now. I don't even care anymore that she's is or not goign out with someone. But i would still like to hear your opinion