should I call off my engagement ??

[live4love]

My fiance's ex got pregnant just as they were breaking up. He believes this was her way of trying to keep him. Now that he is with me she is very upset, destructive, and rude to me. she threaten's him with child support and him not seeing the child.

 

My fiance thought it would be best to try to stay friends with her as she was having his child. However, this would always lead to her thinking he was coming back and going nuts again. I ask my fiance to stop seeing her until after the baby was born and go to court for parenting time because she could not handle seeing him. He said he couldn't do that , that was mean. I told him then he should have stayed with her if he felt he needed to be with her during her pregnancy... Leaving her was mean. Was I wrong for telling him this?????

 

However, he chose not to do that. He felt telling her that we were not together would calm her down. While with me, he continued seeing her and discussing them and their breakup, He took her to the doctor, they had a babyshower and then he went to the hospital for the childs birth. Of course she called and told me these things to upset me and to verify if his story of not being with me was true. Of course, I told the truth. Rudely, She told me she still cared about him and I was wrong for being with him. When I found this out, I was very upset with him and told him he should not have done any of this as this as it was decieving and disrespectful to me, his wife to be. He became upset with me for talking to her and telling her we were together. Was I wrong ????? Do you think he should have gone to the babyshower under these conditions??????? Should he have gone to the hospital with her for the birth?????? Do you think, I should have gone to the hospital too and waited in the car or something??????

 

My fiance feels, going to court will only upset her more and make her more destructive. He says she is just upset and will calm down over time or when she finds someone new. He asked me not to take anymore of her calls as this causes us problems. He feels he has to do this because he has to see the baby. She has ask him not to have the child around me, if does, she will not let him see the baby. So, he says he's not letting me around the baby, because "I can't handle the situation", but I know where this is steming from.

 

I feel he is not considering my feelings only hers and not allowing her time to get over things by continuing to see her. I believe is only thinking of now, as he is affraid he is going to miss out on the first months of the baby. He not thinking of the future for everybody by lying. I could go along with it, until she finds out the truth again and the mess starts all over. He's firm on not going to court and just getting parenting time. He says he's going to do it his way not mine.

[Darkwall]

I don't think he's ignoring your feelings but, rather taking responsibity for the feelings of the girl he impregnated. As he should.

 

Whether or not the pregnancy was an accident... he now has a responsibility to that child. An obligation.

 

What if the tables were turned and you were pregnant. Would you feel good about him deserting you? I didn't think so.

 

You obviously accepted the proposal of a decent man or you wouldn't have said "yes". He sounds to me to be a good person with a big heart. Not too many out there.

 

So, now, what to do about this situation? You know in your heart and gut what to do and what's really going on.

 

But, me? I would have to make a decision. Marry the man I love and accept his baggage? Or give up the man I love because another girl (an ex girl - who he left ) is trying to control him with a baby.

 

It's a tricky one I know. Put aside how this happened and why. And focus on keeping the lines of communication and honesty open with him. Sounds to me like he already has made a choice to accept this baby.

 

C'mon. What would you do? He kinda has an obligation to this child now.

 

Would you rather he pushed this girl and the baby to the curb. Is that the kind of man you want to marry? He doesn't have to be by her side especially if she has moral support from her family.

 

As for baby showers and the rest. They are not a couple anymore. His only obligation to her is "the baby". He didn't have to be in the delivery room nor did you have to wait outside. He's doing this out of guilt and compassion.

 

I think you were right to talk to her about the fact that you are together. She needs to know that. And he shouldn't hide it. BUT PLEASE... NO GAMES.

 

You and her do not need to speak to each other. It will only make things worse and complicate matters. It's up to HIM to work this out.

 

But remember, the baby is innocent in all this.

 

KEEP ME POSTED and I'll do my best to help you. DARKWALL

[michelangelo]

and should consider at the very least pulling back from wedding planning.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who lies to you about how things are between him and his so called ex? or for that matter, lies to you and her about your own status with him?

 

He is choosing to be with the "ex" and his child but also likes having you on the side.

 

He will string you along as long as you go for it.

 

If you like this drama, keep churning in it. And recognize that this kid will keep him occupied for the next two decades.

 

Otherwise, why not find someone without a child on the way with another woman.

[norajane]

Back out of this marriage and move on. He lies to you, he lies to her, he's too much of a wimp to stand up for himself in court for his parental rights, and she's got him wrapped around her finger...at your expense.

 

Unless you want to be involved in this mess for the rest of your life with a guy who won't stand up for you - supposedly the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with - and who won't even bother to consider your feelings, forget this guy. It won't get any easier when YOU have a child. He's bad news.

 

You deserve a lot better, and there are plenty of other guys out there who would be more than happy to give you the love and respect you deserve.

[Buttaflyy]

I'd hate to tell someone to break an engagement...but this situation sounds like it will only get worst. IMO he already has handled himself and his predicament incorrectly. I feel you are right that he didn't consider you in any of his plans. I could not be with a man that wanted me to lie to anyone and say that we weren't together. I'd think this was a cover up for him to continue a relationship with her, but even if it wasn't he's asking for you to put your feelings aside to spare hers!? WTF is that?? Outsiders should be of no concern to your relationship. He should be worried more about you feeling secure with this predicament he's put you in.

 

That's just my thoughts. I think this guy is full of nerve. Not too many women would walk into a situation and deal with all of this. He's too concerned with pacifying her. Why is this?

[live4love]

Thanks for the replies...I didn't know what to think about it all. I wish he did. I want him to see the baby and be a father and I feel sorry for her. But she's gotta get it together.

 

More Drama: When we were in the process of getting a house we moved in with each of our parents, separate living. He wanted to try to see the baby without the ex around, the ex asked him 2 questions..1. was he with me. 2. are you going to have any kids with her. Then the ex told him to not have the child around me. He tells ex he's not going to have me around and he's not with me and he wasn't having any more kids. He goes on to say he's living with his dad now, she with her mother because he wasn't going to let anything come between him and the baby. Of course the ex called me to verify. I told ex..he is with me and we're buying a house thats why we live apart and I plan on having a baby. She flipped totally out and called him. He tells his ex, I'm just trying to hurt her. Then, He calls me upset and canceled me and the house because I told her the truth. I talked him out of it. He says he doesn't want her to know anything and didn't want her to try to vandalize his house. Of course she calls me back, calls me a liar and wanted to know why I was trying to hurt her. He didn't get the baby that day and of course it was my fault. Isn't this crazy????????

 

1 month later, he and the ex goes to celebrate the baby's first birthday at a restaurant. I told him she should not be there, they are no longer together. He says this was the only way she would let him see the baby to celebrate. I told him then tell her party off and take the baby some gifts, he can still be a father. He goes anyway as he says he had to celebrate the 1st birthday. Of course, the ex thinks I'm not around and he still lives with his dad. I told him I should have been the one at the party with him..pretty much he was disrespecting me again by sitting at a table with this woman as if I didn't exist. Was I right????????? Should I have not said anything to him about this party????????? What should he have done ????

 

Your probably wondering, why I'm still around??????? Me too!

 

What could I possibly tell him to make him see that this isn't the way to handle this and he is making things worse ?????? He thinks I'm putting up a fuss because I don't want him to see the baby. duh, its her I want out.

[Curmudgeon]

What could I possibly tell him to make him see that this isn't the way to handle this and he is making things worse

 

You've already told him more than enough to get the hint but that only works if there are two elements present: 1) He's not so dense that he doesn't get it; and 2) He really cares what you want and what you think.

 

If you want to know what being married to him will be like, you're living it right now. She says, "Jump!" and he asks, "How high?" while he's already on the way up.

 

The term "wuss" comes immediately to mind!

[amaysngrace]

I think you should not get married.

[Buttaflyy]

Dump him! Forget anything I said about not wanting to tell anyone what to do in their decision to marry.

 

You already know this situation is crazy! I think he is too, but thats just my opinion. Don't be a fool. Please ask yourself, is he at all concerned with your feelings or your relationship over all? If he can't tell his ex that he's with you and are planning a family with you, how could he marry you? If he's trying to keep your relationship a secret, do you really think he'll marry you anyway? Dump him! He can't be so stupid as to think that his only way of being a father to his child is to pretend to be a happy family with the mom too. Don't you think that he's pretending to be husband to her extends to the bedroom?

 

Plenty of men are good fathers and are seperated from the mother. I've never heard of anything quite like this though. I'd never put up with it. My SO has a daughter from a previous relationship. If he'd ever expect this of me, I'd know for sure that he's gone off and lost his mind!

[Adora]

This guy isn't looking at the full picture. He thinks he is doing what's best for the baby and the mother.. yet he somehow totally doesn't think about how you feel. Right there should raise red flags, being that, you two are planning on getting married.

 

The whole lying thing is extremely ridiculous. You are the person he says that he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with, yet.. he tells the other woman (babies mother) that you and him are no longer an item, let alone engaged to be married. It is complete utter bs if you ask me.

 

I can't, nor can anyone else on these forums tell you what to do as it is your decision alone, but I would suggest taking time off from one another. It is obvious that his attention is more directed towards his ex and child than it is towards you. It isn't fair for you to sit and wait for this ladies head to be screwed on correctly inorder for you two to finally come out in the open again about your relationship.. it, as I said before, is complete utter bs.

 

He has a lot of growing up to do in my eyes. I really don't see why he won't just go to court and get joint custody or whichever route you BOTH chose to do (key: both - meaning you and him .. somewhere he lost that part a while ago). He is using excuses by saying she will do this or that.. well if she does anything to harm either one of you, in the childs presence, well I don't think it would take much for a court to see that she is an unfit parent by causing harm or vandelism to your property. There is a reason the law exists. He can not police this situation on his own.

 

I really believe that he has the best of both worlds. I don't think its fair he is living two lives... 1) him, ex and baby - she believes and he makes it clear to her that you no longer are a equation in his life. They are living it up together raising a child, etc.. 2) you and him.. you know the whole story (at least the parts he is telling you - I strongly believe this isn't just a parent relationship the two of them are having - else he'd come clean with her and own up) - you have to deal with her calling you and gloating about how happy they are raising their child while you are supposedly out of the picture and are told by him not to tell the truth, yet to continue hiding his little secret.. Basically, you shouldn't have to deal with all of this.

 

Again, these are just my thoughts that have processed from reading what you have stated thus far. I do have a couple questions for you tho..

 

1) What do your parents think about all of this, or other immediate relatives, even friends?

 

2) What does his parents think about this? Do they believe that you two are not together anymore as well or are they also going along with his lies?

 

3) When you two first became a couple was this right after he split up with the ex (when she became pregnant)?

 

4) This is the most important one.

Are you, truthfully, happy? Do you see yourself 5 years from now with him (hopefully the current issue being over), not remembering how he treated you during this time?

 

I do wish you the best with whatever you choose to do. Bottom line he needs to realize the pressure and pain he is unleashing onto you. He needs to own up to what is going on and take action that will make YOUR lives better from here on out if he ever plans on going through with your marriage.

 

Take care of yourself

[live4love]

I've really been too embarrased to tell my parents the whole story. But they know enough to tell me I really need to re-consider. His parents really don't know... he doesn't want them to know his business. His friends know nothing. He will not talk to anyone about this. He is so sure he is doing the right thing. I believe, he doesn't want to know the truth..that this is just wrong. However, I did speak to his father regarding one incident and he pretty much advised me to think hard about this, he was really suprised that his son was acting this way. Of course my fiance was upset with me for talking with his father.

 

His ex became pregnant the same month we started dating. Supposedly, he didn't find out until 3 months into our relationship. I stayed with him because he made me feel he was out of the relationship with her, so really I didn't expect he'd keep dealing with her in the manner he has been, I was hoping it would only be about the baby. But for some reason, he feels he has to deal with her to see the baby. And he's not going to court because that would mean, he'd be bringing the baby around me and i can't handle that. He is not getting it's how he's handling this situation that I cant handle. Like you said, I think its all excuses at times. Sometimes I feel like the other woman when his ex questions him and he goes into his denying mode.

 

I'm happy , when I forget about everything. But as soon as I remember..back to sad and frustration. Like dealing with a brick wall. If he could change his thinking and admit he has been dealing with this incorrectly and that he loves me enough to start handling this like a man...I could possibly see myself with him 5 years from now. But I need a genuine apology from him, and he needs to put his foot down with her and put her in her place. I want him to do that soon, before he gets a rude awakening from this woman and realizes he needs to leave her alone. I want him to do it from his heart, not because something bad almost happened. You know what I mean. genuine. Will he do that though??????????????

[whichwayisup]

This child is going to be part of his life. And yours if you plan on staying with him. AND, that also means, dealing with his ex.

 

Does he want to be a father to his child? I assume he does...

 

I think you need to decide what YOU want. If you want him, you need to learn how to handle her and the baby.

 

Not sure if there is a wedding date set yet, but if not, DO NOT set one. Both of you may need some counselling.

[live4love]

Yes, he does want to be a father and I want him to be one too. I've been trying to deal with his ex , but it's hard to get her to respect our relationship and me, if my fiance disrespects our relationship in front of her. I believe if she see's him handling this situation , in a manner that says it's just about the baby...she will stop trying to still be his girlfriend. To her, nothing has changed, because he's lying to her making her think he's single, available and still around, just like old times. I put more of the blame on my fiance than her. He's driving us both crazy having us think he's there for the both of us in more ways than one. She's really just feeding of him.

 

We do need counseling, but he's not going for that, he does not want anyone to know his business..go figure...he rather keep making the same mistake over and over, than seek help or guidance. Geez. We talked more today and he told me he's still not going to have the baby around me and he's not going to court. He says, I just want him to go to court because I want her to know I'm still around....that's crazzzzzzy. Then So what if she knows!!!! You know what I mean.... I'm blue in the face.

 

I "hear" everything your saying though. I do need to decide if I want to deal with this.... And no there is no wedding date.

[norajane]

he told me he's still not going to have the baby around me

 

So, what's his grand plan here? Does he intend to keep you away from the baby forever? What does he expect is going to happen when (IF) you get married?

[Adora]

live4love, I really feel awful that you have to put up with this..

 

When the two of you are together, does he still treat you the same, inlove/happy? Still talk about the future? I just don't understand how he can continuously lie about your relationshop to his ex in order to keep peace with her and the baby.

 

You say that he refuses to let you around the child.. to me that is just wrong. What if, 3 years down the road, you and him (if still together) have a child between the two of you, making this the other babies half-sibling... will he still make it so you and the other child can't be around one another, or even your child and his previous child not able to be around one another?

 

He is living in secrecy. Will he continue to do so down the road? How long will he keep this going? Has he even informed you of a time-line when he'll stop living in denial?

 

Honestly, the problems he is causing now before you two are even married, what will he do once you two exchange vows?

 

I don't mean to come off completely negative, maybe he has his own share of problems he personally needs dealing with... but to string you along and treat you like a puppet isn't fair to you.

 

I would, if you haven't already, sit him down and demand a change for the better of your relationship. A marriage is supposed to bring two people together, not separate them, and you shouldn't be left out of something as important as another human being, i.e., his child, from his life.

[Buttaflyy]

I too am very sorry for the position that you are being put in but always remember that you are entitled to happiness and the man that you marry should be fulfilling you and ensuring your happiness as much as possible. He does not do this now.

 

If he would take the stance that he's taken with you toward the exgf he'd be a model father and soon to be husband. You are the one who has a decision to make here. Just as you had to decide whether or not to be involved with him when he had a pregnant ex. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, which is very noble of you. But I hope that you consider everything while making a decision on whether you leave or stay. I hope you know that you should be secondary to his child only in his life. This doesn't include the exgf. Your relationship shouldn't revolve around her demands.

 

It sounds like you already see that he is most likely playing on the two of you. Are you going to continue to play along? You feel disrespected, rightfully, are you going to change things for yourself? If you've talked to him about this and he was adamant on keeping you separate from his child, his family, what could he possibly expect by asking you to join his family and marry him? He doesn't sound as if he knows what he wants.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you come out of this a winner:)

[Mirage222]

It will just get worse. The baggage (meaning the ex girl) will always be there/ You do not need this in your life, no one needs that type of drama.. It is crazy! Nice guy or not, he should have taken precautions and care of his actions to begin with. Now, I would make him suffer... he gains a child but in a relationship he no longer wanted. And you, you go on and find someone with out all the xtra drama. It will eventually end your marriage if you do stay and put up with this mess!

[aljc123]

when two people have a baby together it creates a bond between them that you can never penetrate. So he may see the ex, and the baby together.in a way the baby deserves for her parents to have a friendly relationship showing some indication of the love that created her. THIS DOESNT MEAN HE DOESNT LOVE YOU, and it doesnt mean hes ever going to go back to her. HOWEVER... belittling your relationship to her, or anyone else, lying to you etc is not acceptable in any circumstance...if you could sort out the parts after the HOWEVER and work together on the first bit, you could get this worked out

[live4love]

But...Right now, his ex can not handle the two of them together. This is where it falls apart. What the child is getting from this is a lack of a father because when she's upset, she stops him from seeing the child. Then too she's calling me to tell me half lies and truth about him being with her.. So, I really can't tell if he loves me or not...or if he's playing games with me or not. And that causes problems for us. You know what I mean?

 

I agree 100% the child needs both parents love. But, she is unable to deal with reality and living in a fantasy world when she is with him. This is making her unbearable. I want him to help her deal with this in a more healthier fashion, so the child isn't confused about the relationship between him and her and the relationship he has with me....if I am going to be in his life as his wife.

 

Do you agree???? I understand what your saying though....but it's hard to tell if he loves me the way things are. And its really hard to determine what kind of bond he has with the ex right now too.

[norajane]

Why are you so desperate to hold on to a guy who treats you like sh*t?

[justagirliegirl]

How long have you two been seeing each other?

[queenbee930]

No offense, but he sounds like a Class A Jerk! How long r u going to put up with this? It's been what almost 2 years and all of this is still going on? It doesn't look like he is changing at all.

 

How exactly does he plan on marrying you in secret? And how is he going to keep your kids a secret? And how r your kids going to interact with this child when you can't be around it? What is the plan here? It looks to me as if he doesn't really want to marry you. Why r u letting him do this to you?

 

Not being judgmental, just really curious as to your thinking process. This type of treatment is actually abusive. I think you should leave. There can't be a healthy future with him if you two are still having these problems. If he refuses to change, leave. Sooner or later your going to have to make a decision. I know leaving won't be easy but you have to take care of you. The road less travelled, and all that.

 

Good Luck!!!

[littlekitty]

My SO's son was only 6 months when him and his ex split up. We met only a month or so later. We did keep our relationship 'quiet' for a few months afterwards (not hidden - but quiet) for her sake. He didn't want to rub it in her face - she was very angry and upset at the time - and I respected that completely. That said by the time we let her know, I was very ready for her to know.

 

I have always accepted that she will be in his life, until the time their son is 16, and beyond. I don't have an issue with this though... why? Because my SO has treated me with absolute respect every single step of the way. Been open about our relationship, didn't agree when she said he couldn't have his son if I was there (she soon gave in), stood up for me, we did things as a team, and has continued to make it clear that we are together and now that we are getting married next year.

 

We now live together and she knows her son is with 'us' every weekend. It's nearly 2 years on since we got together. Believe me, she has stuck her nose in, tried to cause trouble, done everything in her power, to split us up in the past 2 years. But she hasn't suceeded because we love each other, and we work as a team. Our main goal always being his sons happiness, and I'm just fine with putting him first.

 

I don't think you stand a chance. He's not putting his foot down, he's not standing by you, he's not working with you as a team. And you, most of all, stand to lose.

[live4love]

I've been asking myself, why am I so desperate too.....We've been together 2 years now. And I hate to say, this has been going on for 2 years.

[live4love]

Littlekitty... that's how i thought it should be. my guy isn't quite getting that. Your guy has made you feel important in your relationship, but at the same time keeping with his responsibility as a Father. It's so much easier to deal with partners children, when they make you feel comfortable with the situation and include you in. It must be a beautiful thing.